More Comedy...Live From Quebec (A Follow Up)

A couple weeks ago I wrote an article about French Nationalists in the Canadian Province of Quebec calling for protests against the Montreal Canadiens and Molson Beer over the hiring of interim coach Randy Cunneyworth because he didn’t speak French (he was also always the skinny guy in the JCHL.  Only Chris will get that reference, but I don’t care).  I felt when looking at what is going on in the world, protesting a coach who doesn’t speak French is small potatoes.  In fact I went on to say that I found it to be racist and compared Mouvement Quebec francais (the French Quebec Movement for you ignorant Anglophones who can’t read French), to the Ku Klux Klan. After I heard that the MQf planned to stage a formal protest at the Bell Centre on January 7^th because of the hiring of Cunneyworth and his lack of lingualism, I got enraged.  I wanted to write a follow up piece blasting these jack holes.  This type of Nationalistic bullshit wouldn’t fly here in the States and since it’s not really news in the States, I was going to make sure at least the Rioters! Were aware of this ignorance.

Then I took a step back…

With myself being an American, I’m ignorant when it comes to the politics of Canada and specifically Quebec.  Without a little research, I’d just look like another American asshole.  So I decided to reach out to some contacts I have in the great country of Canada.  While they helped me and gave me a little local insight, nothing helped me more than reading MQf’s website (thank god for Google Translate because the only French this Anglophone knows he learned from Pink Panther cartoons).  I must say it changed my life because it makes so much sense.

       -           Their main platform is not to have French be one official language but the ONLY official   language in the Province of Quebec, even though French isn’t the common language in Quebec (Vive le French!). 

-          Although less than 50% of the citizens of Montreal are French, and less than 80% in the entire province of Quebec, there should be no government “over-funding” (which is probably a Loonie in their eyes), for Anglophone schools or hospitals in Montreal (when less than half of your citizens speak French, it makes total sense).

-          All workers have the right to work solely in French even if their dealings are outside of Quebec with people who don’t speak French (that’s going to make outside businesses go out of their way to work with companies in Quebec).

-          For Quebecers not to feel guilty for being French (and here I thought it was only Jews who were self-loathing).

Then it all made sense to me, and made me proud to be French (even though I’m not French).  The French have always been known as pussies so it’s good to see them finally stand up for something (especially an important cause such as this). 

I think they should take it a step further.  Screw a protest.  What is waving Quebec flags and holding signs going to do?  These Anglo’s occupying your province can’t read French (hell, they just want to watch the Canadiens shit the bed for 60 minutes).  What you should do is push them the hell out!  If you see an Anglophone, beat him silly.  He deserves it for not having enough respect to speak French.  If you see an Anglophone’s house, set it on fire.  Eventually they’ll start to get the picture and if they’re smart, they’ll start eyeballing the American border or Ontario (if they know what’s good for them).  If that doesn’t work, it’s time to take it to take it to a new level; form a militia. 

We all know militant groups have a high rate of success, so here’s my plan: 

Start in Montreal and greet a person on the street in French.  Should they not reply in French, beat them, and then stick them in a van.  Then drive the van to a designated POW camp.  At said camp, these Anglophone bastards will be taught French.  Should they refuse, send them to Saskatewan or even worse, Mississippi (I’m sure the American Government will stand behind this if the price is right).  If history has taught us something, putting people in camps always ends well.  Sometimes if you believe enough in a cause you need to go to extremes, and I think this will definitely get the MQf’s point across.

After 37 years I’ve finally found something I can stand behind.  I’m so amped up I want to beat an Anglophone myself.  As of December 30, 2011 I am officially a member of Mouvement Quebec francais (I hope they mail me a card just so I can use the phrase “card carrying member”).  Although an Anglophone myself, I think I’ll be accepted into this organization (to my MQf brother’s out there, my user name is “Nordiques74”).  I’m making arrangements to attend the protest in Montreal.  I’ll be the guy dressed like a mime welding a baguette and a bottle of wine.  You Anglophone f*cks better watch out!
This has me so inspired I’m starting my own movement.  As a left-handed person, I feel discriminated against so, I’m going to start a movement against right-handed people In the United States.  While 89% of American Citizens are rightiphones, it’s about damn time us leftiphones can drink a cup of coffee in the morning and be able to read how Garfield the Cat hates mornings, loves lasagna, or how I’m a #1 Grandma. 
Who wants to join my cause?  Hit me up at thesportsriot@yahoo.com.  If you really stand behind me you’ll follow me on Twitter @TheSportsRiot.  Viva la Leftiphone!

A Christmas Wish Amended

Hello and Happy Holidays to you all. Listen, I had a cute little “Top 5” X-mas list like Jay did, but something happened on X-mas eve that completely changed my whole perspective on what I was hoping for this year. My original list included

*a new brand set of golf clubs marketed by Tiger Woods called “Strip Clubs”

*for the Hartford Whalers and Minnesota North Stars to return to the NHL so I can see those awesome green jerseys every other night again

*for French Canadians to take to the streets with berets on taking out non-French speaking people in their province (province is funny) by burning English to French dictionaries on their lawns and being snooty to them every chance they get

*and of course a Jets Super Bowl berth in my near future (that’s right a true Jets fan doesn’t wish for something ridiculous like a Super Bowl victory, you’re just setting yourself up for failure).

Well as I’m sure you well know the Jets spit the bit on Saturday in typical “Jets” fashion. You know the emotional push and pull I’ve come to expect from a Jets game. You’re up, you’re down, you’re left you’re right, in and out….all the clichés all wrapped into one mind-melding clusterf**k of pain and suffering that you pray is worth it after the clock hits triple zero. Too often this season, and in the lifetime of this fandom, it has not been. Every Sunday, it’s like poking a deep wound, and just when the wound starts to heal, you rip that scab off and start poking again. It’s like taking the most unhappy moment of your life, and thinking about those moments right before that….when everything was normal and good and them BAM! it happens. But then moments later, happiness….and then BAM! Despair again; over and over again, for 3 and a-half hours.  

The only joy I took in Saturday’s ridiculous display of torture the Jets put on for their fans was that Eagles fans went through it with us. HaHaHa, LMFAO times 1000! You thought you had rough Mr. Eagles fan? How’d you like that shit on Saturday HUH? Try doing that 16 times a season, not including playoffs. My God, it’s so much worse now because everyone (including Eagles fans) expected the Jets to win that game. Let me tell you as a Jets fan, expectations don’t happen very often for the Jets and in typical Jets fashion, they let TWO FANDOMS DOWN, not just one.

Only a team like the Jets could disappoint twice as many people at one time, and in such a torturous manner too. I mean c’mon, can this team just get its ass handed to them in a big game just once. I know it sounds weird coming from a fan, but losing that game on Saturday 45-3 would’ve been so much better than losing 29-14; especially when it was 20-14 with 3 minutes left and possession of the ball. That smelled like a possible victory. Instead we got Safety, a failed onside punt; an exclamation point TD run by Bradshaw and then a desperation heave INT by Sanchez all in two minute span. That’s how the Jets roll folks.

This brings me to my new X-mas wish. I don’t want to be a Jets fan anymore. I know what you’re saying (most women have said this to me) “just stop watching. Stop caring.” Yeah right. It’s just not that simple, sorry to break it to you. A team like this has an emotional hold on you, like some sort of hypnotization that I can’t break. No matter what I do, I’m going to keep watching and keep hoping. Even when the game is out of reach, I’m chasing the loss. So I can’t do it myself, I need some magic to stop being a Jets fan.  So I’m asking Santa for a belated gift, or I can even wait till next year if necessary; please, PLEASE, make this pain stop. Please, let me wake up one morning and be a Packers fan, or a Niners fan (since I live in the Bay Area now anyway).  Thank you.

I guess if Santa can’t help me, then I’ll ask Tebow…maybe he can do it for me.

Now I know what’s going to happen this weekend, the Jets will kill the Dolphins, the stars will align and they will get into the playoffs. I’m asking you Rioters! to be my support group here; AFA (Abused Fans Anonymous – for those fans who just can’t take it anymore) if the Jets make it in, don’t let me get excited or let my expectations get high. The Jets latest form of torture has been the worst, they made me a believer and now they are killing me for it. Rioters! I need your help. Your fearless leader, who has guided you through your Fandom, now needs your help to get through this.

For encouraging emails and hopeful “pick-me-ups” send them to thesportsriot@yahoo.com, or follow my descent into madness @TheSportsRiot on twitter.

Top 5 Dead Rivalries in Sports

On Monday night on the ice the New York Islanders and the New York Rangers squared off for another epic clash. The only problem is that no one seems to care anymore. The Rangers and the Islanders used to send at least minor shock waves through the sports world on the nights they would meet up back in the 80's and a little into the early 90's. Of course being a the rabid Rangers fan that I was in the 80's and 90's, I was especially in tune with when these games were coming up and what they meant. You see, I was one of a very few Rangers fans in my neighborhood on Long Island (which is Islander turf), and it was a torturous morning when I'd have to go into school after a Rangers loss at the hands of the hated Islanders. I saw that this game was on the schedule twice in the past week, and I barely cared. I still love my Rangers, and I get amped when they play the Flyers or the Devils, but the Rangers have owned the Islanders for so long now, and the Islanders have become so irrelevant that it could've been the Blue Jackets losing to the Rangers 3-0 Monday night and it would've been all the same. So with that being said, and with the power invested in me by the fans and myself, I now dub the Islanders and the Rangers a dead rivalry; along with the rest of these rivalries. Enjoy.

5- LA Lakers Vs. Sacramento Kings (NBA) - This one is simple, the Kings just suck now (even with the Kings stunning defeat of the Lakers two nights ago). It seems that this rivalry was red hot in the late '90's when the Kings were a championship contender. For a three year stretch from 2000 to 2003, the Kings hooked up with the Lakers in the playoffs each year. Being in-state rivals was one thing, but the 2003 Western Conference Finals series was the pinnacle of this rivalry. To this day, I still don't know what game the refs were calling in Game 6, but it wasn't the Kings and the Lakers that's for sure. The Lakers received questionable call after questionable call for the majority of that game resulting in a Game 7 in Sacramento. The Lakers went on to win Game 7 in a dramatic OT win in which they came back from a large deficit in 4th quarter. The Kings to this day have not recovered from this loss.

4- Kansas City Royals Vs. New York Yankees (MLB) - During the late 70's through the mid 80's, these two teams were among the best teams in baseball every season. With both squads littered with Hall of Famers (George Brett, Goose Gossage, Reggie Jackson, etc) the quality and intensity of baseball that was being played was at the highest level every game. Matching up several times in the ALCS (4 times from '76-'80) with the Yankees winning three of those four meetings, but the Yanks never dominated the Royals. These series looked more like fierce battles in an epic war. The Royals finally beat the Yanks in 1980 en-route to a World Series loss to the Phillies.
Side Note: the famous Pine Tar incident with George Brett took place in Yankee stadium also.

3- Cleveland Brown Vs. Cincinnati Bengals (NFL) - Two teams with the same founder have to hate each other on some level right? Paul Brown, perhaps one of the finest coaches ever and the founder of both franchises, was the head coach of the Cleveland Browns from 1945 to 1963 when he was ousted by owner Art Modell. The move obviously was not met with joyous uproar from the fan base (considering the team was named after coach Brown) and Brown's next move is probably what caused such a strong rivalry in the first place. In 1968, Paul Brown returned to football by purchasing and coaching the AFL's Cincinnati Bengals. He would coach them until 1976 and year after year the Browns and the Bengals would meet, and each game was as bitter as the last. These were personal, deep wounds that the players played out on the field. In 1976, Brown officially retired as coach, but stayed on as president. As president of the Bengals, they made it to two Super Bowls (losing both to the 49ers) something Modell's Brown never did.
That was long ago. This rivalry has been dead since at least the 80's since both teams have been mostly terrible since then. First off, the Modell owned Browns moved to Baltimore to become the Ravens in 1995, thus ending any real connection to the old rivalry, and the new Brown's haven't really made any noise as a franchise in the years since they've been back. As for the Bengals, with the exception of one or two seasons in the playoffs, they too have been largely irrelevant on the field. Their relevance seems to be more present in a court room rather than a football field.

2- New York Knicks Vs. Indiana Pacers (NBA) - During the 90's the Pacers and the Knicks would battle it out for the runner-up position in the Eastern Conference every season (their prize was a quick exit from the conference finals at the hands of the Jordan-led Bulls) except for the 93-94 season. The stars aligned and Michael Jordan decided he was too good to play in the NBA anymore, so he retired and tried baseball for a year or so. During that season, the Knicks and Pacers met in an epic 7-game series in the Eastern Conference Finals which saw the Knicks defeat Reggie Miller and the Pacers en-route to a Finals loss to the Rockets. The thing about this rivalry was not it's longevity, it was it's dramatics. The Reggie Miller heroics in Game 5 in '94 (24 pts in the 4th quarter) and his Game 1 "8-points in 8 seconds" magical ending at the Garden, the Patrick Ewing missed finger roll in Game 7 in '95 to lose that series and everything in between. For a few seasons whenever the Pacers and the Knicks got together you could expect a dramatic turn of events to unfold like Reggie's feud with courtside fans at the Garden, especially Spike Lee.They've met up a few times in the playoffs since then, but it just seems that since the characters have changed the hatred for each other has gone away. Miller and Ewing have retired and the personality of both franchises has changed, so the rivalry no longer exists.

1- New York Rangers Vs. New York Islanders (NHL) - As I had said at the top, perhaps I'm biased on this one because of what it meant to me throughout my childhood, but it is sad what has happened to possibly the best rivalry in the NHL for years. The Rangers and Islanders have met in the playoffs 8 times and nearly 300 times since the Isles came into the league in '72. Their records against each other are basically even (The Isles slightly lead the all time playoff record, the Rangers slightly lead in All Time wins) but that is not what made this rivalry great. If you truly want to know what made the Islanders-Rangers rivalry great, you have to go to all the fights that took place during those games. There have been more brawls between these two teams than there's been hockey played. I remember having arguments with Islanders fans in my neighborhood about who won the fights the night before, not the games.

The other aspect of this rivalry that was key to it's intensity was the fans. The Rangers and the Islanders had such ferocious fans at the time that when you went to a game you'd best be prepared to verbally defend yourself and your team if you entered the enemies building sporting your teams colors; especially Nassau Coliseum. Yes, it's a dump and it always has been, but back then there was a section of fans that would coordinate just for the Rangers-Islanders games, and shout down any Rangers fans in the building. It was truly an impressive spectacle and is sorely missed because Islanders fans have disappeared into the ether of the NHL universe. Rangers fans are still around because they have continued to be relevant despite a 5 or 6 year playoff drought (the Rangers are currently in 1st place in the Eastern Conference). The Islanders on the other hand still play in that dump on Long Island, and one terrible move after another has led them to the trash heap of history. The once great franchise that won 4 straight Stanley Cups in the early '80's is dead, and as a result so is this rivalry. A moment of silence please for those who have passed.........thanks.

Is their a rivalry that you remember being a great one that just doesn't live up to that hype anymore, or even worse doesn't have a hype anymore? Email me and tell me about them thesportsriot@yahoo.com or follow us on Twitter @TheSportsRiot.

An Open Letter to the Fine People of Cincinatti

Dear Cincinnati,

I hope your Christmas was all it’s cracked up to be.  Mine was fantastic, thanks for asking.  The reason I’m writing you is because of the articles I’ve read this morning concerning the people of Cincinnati and their beloved Bengals.  After reading these articles it’s been brought to my attention that this Sunday’s season finale might not be sold out.  Are you guys kidding me?  For the third time in the last 21 years you actually have a watchable product, and a victory this week over the Ravens guarantees you a playoff spot, and there are tickets available to the game?  Wait, what? How many? Half the stadium not even sold yet? Yeah ‘Natti, there actually might be post season football in the Queen City for a change, but judging by your ticket sales you don’t care.

I expect this type of garbage from those clowns in Atlanta.  Their fans are terrible and don’t know what Fandom is (forget Advanced Fandom), but you guys are better than that.  This will go down in history as badly as when the Braves couldn’t sell out Game 1 of the World Series in ’99. You all should be embarrassed and ashamed that you’re coming up on the biggest Bengals game of the season (and most seasons before this one), and the team is forced to beg fans to show up.  The Bengals management has resorted to a TWO for ONE sale on tickets. ARE YOU F’N KIDDING ME!? This is a playoff game as much as next week’s game will be if you win Cinci, and management had to pull the “blue light” special out to get you hacks to come to the game? GET IT TOGETHER! If this were to happen here in Philadelphia the tickets would be gone in seconds (but that would never happen in Philadelphia because people love the Eagles, even when they suck, and tickets are almost impossible to get unless you want to spend more than double face value).  Come on ‘Natti, you’re better than that.  At least you should be.

So as much as I hate to do this, I’m putting you all on notice.  You need to get off your asses and buy tickets for this game and root the Bengals to victory.  I know money’s tight right after Christmas, but if you did the right thing to begin with and bought someone you love a pair of Bengals tickets for Sunday’s game the Bengals wouldn’t be begging for people to show up.  So now you need to borrow from a friend or hit up the pawn shop and hock something so you can get tickets.  That stadium needs to be filled to capacity and it better be loud, because let’s be honest, who the hell knows when you’ll have another chance to see the Bengals in a playoff hunt. Another thing is, and more importantly, you need to make sure this shit never happens again.  As fans you should be embarrassed.  This keeps up, you’ll be in the same league as Atlanta as the shittiest sports fans around.  I know you guys are better than that so I expect this situation to be resolved ASAP.

Oh, and what’s with the “Who Dey” slogan you guys came up with?  It’s a blatant rip-off of that “Who Dat?” shit they say in New Orleans and it’s stupid.  Get some originality.

I want to take a quick second to also address those with the Bengals Organization.  I’m sorry you have been forced to beg your fans to attend the game.  Because I know what Advanced Fandom is and this type of behavior from your fans is something I can’t get into and will never be able to stand behind, that’s why I’m calling them out.  In saying all this I have a bone to pick with you guys as well. 

In your pleas to the Bengals fans in the Greater Cincinnati area, please explain the thought process in choosing Pacman Jones to be the Official Beggar of the Bengals.  Why would you let Pacman approve ANY message?  Look, I understand that you guys like to keep up with the Cowboys and are always in competition with who can sign the most convicts, but Pacman???  Aside from Albert Haynesworth he might be the biggest piece of shit in the NFL.  If Pacman was at the top of the list, I wonder where Andy Dalton finished.  Sure he’s a ginger, which might scare off some people, but at least he doesn’t have a rap sheet as thick as a phone book.  Think about the kids Bengals execs.  Personally I don’t think athletes should be considered role models but if my kid was looking up to Pacman, I’d consider putting him up for adoption to avoid any future headaches.  So even though the Bengals fans should know better, I’m still holding you guys responsible for terrible, terrible marketing.

Okay Cincinnati, you guys fumbled big time, but it’s not too late to make amends.  Go out, buy tickets, and make me proud.

Sincerely,

Jay Platt

The Sports Riot!

Top 5 Christmas Games

Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Happy Kwanza, and Festivus to all.  I hope whatever holiday you Rioters! celebrated, everyone was ready for it.  One thing I love about Christmas, aside from spending time with friends and family, and getting new socks and underwear, is the sports.  Since there’s been no NHL or NFL games on Christmas Day since 1971, its’ basketball or nothing and it’s the NBA’s showcase day (I’m not counting the usually boring college bowl game).  This year, the NBA kicked its season off on Christmas day and it didn’t disappoint with a classic in LA (Bulls beat Lakers with last second shot), and an epic comeback in NYC (Carmelo putting up 17 in the 4^th quarter the stun the Celtics by 2). As much as I do bitch about basketball, I do watch, especially on Christmas because some of the game’s greatest moments have occurred while we’re sitting in our living rooms deciding if the sweater grandma gave us is actually worth a re-gift.

5 - 2004 – Pistons/Pacers – On paper this doesn’t look like much of a classic Christmas game.  It was a matchup of two .500 teams with the Pistons defeating the Pacers 98-93.  What made it interesting was this was the first meeting of these two clubs since a November 19^th brawl that resulted in  Ron Artest and Stephan Jackson entering the stands and attacking fans.  In what was considered the worst brawl in NBA history a total of 10 players were suspended for a total of 146 games (most notable Artest who was suspended for the remainder of the season and playoffs).

The hype surrounding the re-match of these two clubs made national headlines and most feared that there would be retaliation from Pacers fans on the Pistons (the original brawl started when some jackass in the stands hit Artest in the chest with a cup of Diet Coke).  Thankfully the Pacers fans had more class than those in Detroit and the game went on without any incidents.  Rip Hamilton led the Pistons in scoring with 25, while Reggie Miller scored 24 for the Pacers.

4 - 2010 – Lakers/Heat – In 2010 the Heat became the most hated team in the NBA outside of Miami, mainly because of Lebron James douchebag “I’m taking my talents to South Beach” comment, and Chris Bosh proclaiming the Heat to be a “Dream Team” (yeah, Vince Young wasn’t the first).  The media followed the Heat’s circus wherever they went, but all eyes were on Christmas day when the Heat travelled to Los Angeles to take on the World Champion Lakers.  The game was billed as two of the league’s best players going head to head.  The cocky James against the aging Kobe Bryant.

The game lived up to the hype that surrounded it as two of the top teams in the league fought for 48 minutes. The Heat proved to be the better team that night, led by James’s 27 points, 11 rebounds, and 10 assists (James recorded his first triple-double of the season), the Heat took the victory 96-80.  James’s “Dream Team” buddy Bosh was no slouch either kicking in 24 points and 13 rebounds.

The Lakers were flat and Bryant only chipped in 17 points.  That tied for the Lakers lead with Pau Gasol.

While the Heat won that round, we all know what happened to the “Dream Team” in the NBA Finals against the Mavericks.

3 - 1984 – Nets/Knicks – The Knicks were an abomination in the 1984-85 season (only the Pacers and Warriors had worse records), but it didn’t stop them from still stealing the spotlight on Christmas day 1984 (the Knicks have appeared in 46 Christmas day games, most in the NBA).

Led by Bernard King, who scored a whopping 40 points in the first half (a Knicks Franchise record), the Knicks appeared to be pulling an upset over their rivals from across the Hudson.  That was until reality set in and led by Buck Williams, the Nets stormed back and defeated the Knicks 120-114.

King finished with 60 points, which is an NBA record for Christmas Day games and he went on to be the eventual scoring champion.

2 - 2004 – Lakers/Heat - I can’t remember the last time an NBA game was so hyped than on Christmas Day of 2004, when the then Shaq-led Heat were making their first trip of the season to Los Angeles to face the Lakers.  The dynasty that was once shared by Shaq and Kobe had crumbled in epic-proportions when they got into a pissing match about who was “the man” on those Laker teams.  After a bunch of shit talking to the media on both sides, Shaq demanded a trade and ended up taking his talents to South Beach.

In one of the best Christmas Day games I’ve ever witnessed, it was an on the edge of your seat battle, that started with the Lakers giving Shaq a video tribute (a class move even though both Bryant and Shaq claimed they didn’t watch). 

The head-to-head matchup was clearly dominated by Kobe who led all scorers with 42 points, but it was the Heat who was victorious thanks to Dwayne Wade who had 29 points and 10 assists.  Despite fouling out with two minutes left to play (Shaq lost count how many fouls he had.  Counting to five is a tough task for some), Shaq held his own scoring 24 points and had 11 rebounds.

1 - 1985 – Celtics/Knicks – As tough as it is to find a game to trump that battle in 2004, the best Christmas Day game had to be on December 25, 1985, which became known as “The Christmas Miracle at The Garden”.  The Knicks were again terrible in 1985 and the rival Celtics were the leagues best (they would go on to win the NBA Championship).  With injuries to Bernard King and Bill Cartwright, the Knicks would have to rely on a rookie named Patrick Ewing.  They were no match for the likes of Bird, McHale, Ainge, and Parrish, right?

That’s exactly how the game started with the Celtics dominating the Knicks.  It was so bad the Celtics were beating the Knicks in the third quarter 58-33.  That’s when the momentum changed and the Knicks went on a 20-5 run to finish the quarter.

Heading into the fourth quarter, Ewing took over scoring 18 points (12 in a row at one point).  The Knicks got the lead reduced to two points and Rory Sparrow tied the game with two free throws, forcing overtime.

In overtime the Knicks struggled again, but battled back and tied the game on a Trent Tucker’s three pointer at the buzzer, forcing a second overtime.  The Knicks dominated the second overtime and won 113-104, marking one of the biggest comebacks in Knicks history.  Ewing finished with 32 points and 11 rebounds, which was only the beginning of his legacy in the Big Apple.

What was your favorite Christmas game?  I want to know.  Hit me up at thesportsriot@yahoo.com and fill me in.  Also remember to follow us on Twitter @TheSportsRiot.  Feliz Navidad…

Jay's Christmas Wishes (A Top 5 Tale)

Dear Santa, It’s that time of year again when you put on your red suit and give all the good children presents-- and the bad ones, well, they’re shit out of luck.  Now I know I’m not a kid, and it’s highly doubtful I made the Good List this year, but I do have a few requests.  Don’t worry; it’s nothing crazy like a car, a winning lottery ticket, or instant fame and success (although I wouldn’t complain about those).  It’s just some basic wishes that I that I think, with your influence and with a couple of calls, you can make happen.  Although I haven’t been the ideal guy this year, I’ll be sure to leave out cookies and milk for you (this year I’ll make sure the milk isn’t spoiled) if you do me this solid and hook me up with these requests.

5 – For the Clippers to be the Dominant Basketball Team in La-La Land - Before you think it, I’m not jumping on the Clippers bandwagon.  The NBA lockout has left a residual bad taste in my mouth, so unless the topic is the Knicks, I’m not really interested.  I would like to see the Clippers make a move to relevance --not because I think Chris Paul and Blake Griffin will be a great 1-2 scoring punch, but because I’m sick of the Lakers.  I’m over Kobe and his personal life, I find Pau Gasol disturbing to look at, and I didn’t like the way they moaned and bitched when the trade for CP3 was denied by the league. 

Considering the Clippers have never been a good team (and the only Clippers fan I can think of is Bill Simmons), it would be refreshing to see them take over LA and, for once, the Lakers take a back seat.  Besides, it’ll be funny to see all these life-long Clippers fans come out of the woodwork when they’re in the playoffs.

4 – For There to be a Hot Player in the WNBA – I’m not sure if this can actually happen because I’m not sure the WNBA is actually still in existence.  I don’t watch it, and I don’t know anyone who does.  It is possible for that to change though, just by adding a little eye candy (which to my knowledge they’ve never had, unless you count Rebecca Lobo, but she only looked hot because everyone around her really wasn’t).

Look, sex sells and men are pigs; if you bring in a couple less-talented-but-smoking-hot players into the league, dudes will start watching the WNBA (men can overlook a terrible product if they get to stare at hot chicks on a basketball court.  We’re shallow like that).  It worked for tennis.  Personally I don’t like to watch tennis, but if Maria Sharapova is playing Petra Kvitova, I’ll pause my channel surfing and watch a couple of sets.  It’s what guys do.  Ladies, if you’re dating a guy who said he wouldn’t do that, he’s lying.

3 – For the Jets to Make the Playoffs – With 33 games under their inaugural belt, the Jets are 15-13-5, currently sitting in 11^th place in the Eastern Conference with 35 points.  Their record isn’t as impressive as it should be, mainly due to a poor start, but things are turning around in Winnipeg.  The Jets are 6-2-1 in the month of December and have made the MTS Centre their own, going an impressive 6-1-1 this month.

Although the Jets are currently in 11^th place in the conference, they are only one point behind the eighth-seed Senators and seven points behind the division-leading Panthers.  If the Jets continue their up-tempo style of hockey, there’s no reason to think the playoffs are out of reach.
Should they make the playoffs, I will keep my word and get a Winnipeg Jets tattoo, the logo chosen by the Rioters! in Manitoba.

2 – For the Marlins to Still Suck – I don’t like the Marlins.  I never have and I never will.  The fact that they have won more World Series titles in their existence than the Phillies have during that period, makes me sick.  Any ownership group that puts together a World Series team only to tear it down the next season doesn’t deserve to own a sports franchise.

Now the Marlins are “Miami”, and they are going into a new stadium, with horrific looking uniforms, and have made a splash in free agency; all fourteen of the Marlins faithful think they have a legitimate chance at challenging the Phillies for the division.  Sure, the additions of Mark Buerhle, Heath Bell, and Jose Reyes are nice, but their manager is a cocky, obnoxious asshole who would rather drop ten f-bombs during a press conference than actually formulate an articulate sentence as to how his team performed.
I know Ozzie Guillen stepped in shit once and won a World Series with the White Sox, but that’ll never happen again.  Guillen was a loser as a player and a loser as a manager.  Couple that with a city that doesn’t care about the Marlins, and they’ll be selling off pieces during next year’s trade deadline when the team is in the red.

1 – For the Eagles to Fire Andy Reid – I understand it’s not the best fandom to hope your team loses, but I think in some cases it’s allowed.  For example, for Colts fans, I can understand wanting them to lose so they win the Andrew Luck lottery, or in my case, hoping the Eagles would continue to lose so Andy Reid would finally be fired and some fresh blood would be brought into Philadelphia Eagles football.

While I think it could happen, it’s probably not likely, but I’m hopeful that Santa can get a hand in there and work some magic.  The Eagles’ little hot streak, and their outside shot at making the playoffs, is the worst thing for an Eagles fan.  The hot streak will end up as gigantic blue balls, as it’s just enough decent play to give fans a false sense of hope.  Eagles fans, forget it; it’s not going to happen.  This little hot streak at the end of the season is just enough to save Andy’s fat ass.  He’ll be back next season and we’ll continue to be frustrated.
Unless you’re an Eagles fan and see what he does week in and week out, you won’t understand my frustration.  People might see a coach that takes his team to the year after year, but I see a guy who’s an asshole to the media, doesn’t know how to manage a clock and isn’t capable of winning the big game.  As an Eagles fan, I’m sick of being a bridesmaid.

Santa, I think you can make these things happen.  I promise to be good next year.  I’ll drink less, not curse as much, and do my best to be less offensive.  No promises, but I’ll try.

Love,

Jay
The Sports Riot!

On a more serious note, we like to joke around here at The Sports Riot!, and I hope you are entertained (if you’re not, there’s probably something wrong with you).  But for a second I want to take a second and give love to those who we might take for granted.  While most of us will wake up on Christmas morning with a marginal hangover getting ready to open gifts, there are people who won’t be home.  They’ll be out working their asses off to help us. 

There are firefighters who are sitting in their firehouse waiting in case they need to prevent or stop a holiday tragedy.  It’s their job to literally put their lives on the line and save the Average Joe and for that I thank them.  There are the police who are out patrolling the street keeping us safe, and there are the doctors and nurses who are manning emergency rooms ready to help should some unfortunate action happen.  And most importantly, there are the brave members of our military, some of whom won’t be home for Christmas, in the name of freedom and patriotism.
All these people will be sacrificing time with their families to help us.  I am grateful to all of them.

Sports or No Sport Parts Unknown

It’s been a while since I’ve taken a look at what sports actually are indeed sports and those that aren’t.  So long I forgot how many I’ve done (I could probably check but that inherent lazy-thing kicked in), so this edition comes from the same place former WWF wrestler the Missing Link comes from…..unknown.

Wrestling – I’m not talking about the WWE here.  We all know it’s fake and any dude over the age of 15 who watches that trash on a regular basis probably doesn’t get laid (you normally don’t see a dude with a John Cena tee shirt with a group of good looking ladies around him).  I’m talking about Greco-Roman style wrestling.  You know that shit you see in the Olympics and what overly jocked-out guys in high school were into.

In saying all that, it is 100% NOT a sport.  Personally I find it to be extremely homo-erotic.  Think about it, two dudes wearing skin-tight singlets essentially in a 69 (one of them is biting a pillow)?  That’s not a sport, it borderlines on sodomy.  If Greco-Roman wrestling is a sport, foreplay is as well because that’s all it really is.

Competitive Facial Hair Growing – This has been a new “sport” in recent days, and guess what, it’s not remotely a sport.  Dirty hipsters sporting flannel shirts, trucker hats, and big beards isn’t a sport.  It’s what you see at happy hour in most bars in Williamsburg or South Philadelphia.

While it might be a contest, growing a big moustache or beard doesn’t involve any athletics (with the possible exception of giving moustache rides), there’s a good chance you’re a douche.

(SIDEBAR:  I might be a little biased here since I’m pretty much hairless, and it takes me over a month to have some assemblance of a beard, so I can’t compete in any of these reindeer games.  Even if I had the ability to grow a beard though it still wouldn’t be a sport.)

Figure Skating – There’s good and bad when it comes to figure skating.  The good is hot Eastern European girls scantily dressed prancing around a hockey rink for five minutes.  The bad is Eastern European and Canadian dudes dressed like Liberace prancing around a hockey rink for five minutes.

Now where I come from, dudes dressed like Liberace prancing around a hockey rink for five minutes aren’t participating in a sport, they’re trolling for ass.   I’ll go as far as saying that figure skaters are athletes (hell, my fat ass can’t do it), and they do get points for the hot chick factor, but I can’t get over the whole Liberace nonsense to approve this as a sport.

Bocce – This is absolutely a sport.  It’s such a sport that I can play it on my iPhone whenever I want, and I do.  The closest thing on the planet to horseshoes (which is also a sport), has actually started to sprout up in Brooklyn where bars will have indoor bocce courts and leagues (what goes better with a can of lukewarm Pabst than bocce?).

While it’s not the same as the traditional bocce (in which the players are normally old Italian guys wearing plaid shorts, knee-high brown socks, and sandals, all while smoking cheap cigars), it’s good to see Italy’s sport getting love among the drinking community in Brooklyn.

If you’ve never played bocce, you should get off your ass and give it a try.  That shit will change your life.

Rodeo – I was originally on the fence about rodeo.  Sure it takes ability to rope a hog or ride one angry-ass bronco, but it’s more of a game of skill and you’re relying on an animal to do a lot of the work.  Animals aren’t athletes, they’re just an accessory.

Then I thought about it more and once I factored in that the south prison rodeos are kind of a big deal, it got my blessing as a sport.

There’s an asterix when it comes to rodeo though.  Being a rodeo clown is not part of the sport.  Rodeo clowns are suicidal morons.  While the typical athlete isn’t going to be in MENSA any time soon, you have to take life to whole new level of stupidity to be a rodeo clown.

Dog Racing – It’s not a sport, let’s just get that out of the way right now.  It’s an activity for degenerate gamblers to piss away their rent money before their wives find out they got paid.  I’ll go as far as saying that dog racing is so white trash, degenerate card players and guys at the OTB betting on the ponies frown upon the garbage at a dog track.

The only thing trashier than the actual piece of shit that bets on dog racing, are the trashbags who actually own the dogs that are racing.  I’m far from being a member of PETA, but those assholes really abuse the greyhounds that are used to race.  To make matters worse, once the dog is past their prime, they’re discarded like a used cigarette butt.

Adopt a greyhound; I hear they’re nice dogs.

Weight Lifting – Just because you take so many steroids and supplements that you can lift 700 pounds doesn’t make you an athlete or part of a sport.  It makes you a meathead with the personality of a dishtowel and an IQ to go along with it.  If I’m at a magazine shop, I’ll normally look at the covers of weightlifting magazines.  I find it funny looking at these puffed up jerkoffs with veins sticking out of every part of their body are trying to be a “men”.

Ladies, if you encounter one of these juiceheads expect not to be happy in the bedroom; all that juice shrinks their junk away.

Oh and don’t even get me started on female bodybuilders.  That’s just gross.  There’s nothing remotely attractive about a chick with no fun bags that can beat me at arm wrestling.

Kickball – God damn do I love me some kickball.  The sport we all loved as a kid has made a comeback with adults and kickball leagues are where it’s at.  What makes kickball great is that it barely takes a ton of talent, so any asshole can play it, even with a buzz.

There’s also another benefit.  Since you can get a runner out by throwing the ball at them, it’s a great way to get rid of some aggression by hitting some dipshit who’s pissed you off in the past in the back of the head (oops).

Cardboard Tube Fighting – I didn’t know people actually considered this a sport and frankly you shouldn’t because it’s stupid.  Basically you make shields out of cardboard and use the inner tube from wrapping paper as a sword.  Now while I probably participated in something like this when I was 8 or 9, if you’re doing this shit as an adult you should be ashamed of yourself (even the wrestling assholes with the John Cena tee shirts are pulling in more trim than you).

I’m guessing dudes who participate in this sort of “hobby” (and I use that term very loosely because cardboard tube fighting is really lame), collect comic books, play Dungeons and Dragons, attend Star Trek conventions and renaissance fairs, and live in their parents basement.  If you’re an adult and you’re cardboard dueling you need to think long and hard about where you went wrong in life.

What are your thoughts?  Can you convince me that cardboard dueling is actually a sport (along with convincing me that you have pride and self-esteem), or that bocce isn’t?  Let me know.  Hit me up at shatmeself@yahoo.com.  There still is that Twitter thing we do and I’m going to keep hammering all of you until you follow us.  You’ll get updates from TSR! and some of our stupid shenanigans @TheSportsRiot.