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The Audio Blog Returns 12/1/11
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Jay's NHL Western Conference Report or More Dogging on Teams 20 games in
So you already had the opportunity to be wow’d by my Eastern Conference report card. I’m sure you discussed it with your colleagues, drinking buddies, random strangers, and have come up with your own grades. That’s what I want. It’s what you deserve. Well now that you were able to drink in the Eastern Conference and digest it, let’s get on the Western Conference.
Anaheim Ducks – It can’t get much worse in Anaheim. It’s a team full of All-Stars playing like a bunch of girls, and if it weren’t for the Blue Jackets they’d be the worst team in the league. A coaching change is definitely in order and once that happens the Ducks might turn things around. There’s way too much talent on this team to keep this up, but right know they suck.
Grade: FCalgary Flames – Much like the Ducks, the Flames suck. The difference is that the Ducks are talented and the Flames aren’t. You’d think at some point Alex Tanguay and Jarome Ignila would turn things around but until that happens the Flames fans are counting on guys like Roman Horak and Brendan Morrison. Sorry Flames fans. If that continues, mail it in for the season because you’re shit out of luck.
Grade: DChicago Blackhawks – The Hawks are looking much like the team that won the Stanley Cup in 2010. Jonathan Toews, Patrick Kane, Patrick Sharp, and Marian Hossa have dominated other team’s defense and Corey Crawford, although snubbed from the All-Star Ballot, is one of the best goalies in the league. This team is for real and not much is going to change in Chi-town.
Grade: AColorado Avalanche – The Avs started the season hot, but reality has set in and the Avs are right where they belong, on the outside looking in. Look Avs fans, I don’t mean to pop your cherry, but this was expected. The Avalanche are just not a good team. While they have some young talent in the organization, they’re a long way from serious contention.
Grade: CColumbus Blue Jackets – The only thing Columbus has to cheer for is that Urban Meyer will coach Ohio State football, because the Blue Jackets are trash. I want to know what kind of sexual favors Scott Arniel is doing to keep his job because the Jackets are unwatchable. Jeff Carter has been a bust (he misses his boyfriend Mike Richards), and only two months in a Blue Jackets sweater he’s already demanding a trade. I feel bad for Rick Nash. He’s a great player stuck on a shitty team.
Grade: FDallas Stars – The Stars have cooled since a red-hot start but are still a competitive team every night. A big reason for this is the red-hot start of goalie Kari Lehtonen who has stood on his head at times and is tied for the league lead in wins. Youngsters Jamie Benn and Loui Eriksson are going to have to keep up their scoring pace for the Stars to continue this success, but I don’t see any signs of a big collapse.
Grade: BDetroit Red Wings – The Red Wings once again are fighting for the top-spot in their division. GM Mike Babcock does a hell of a job putting a competitive Wings team together no matter how old they appear. Thus far it’s goalie Jimmy Howard that is keeping the Wings in contention. While the offense hasn’t heated up yet, I don’t doubt it will. European veterans are like an old car in cold weather. It has to warm up before it drives well.
Grade: AEdmonton Oilers – The Oilers are still a couple years away but have an exciting young nucleus, which is a reason Oilers fans should be excited. At 18, Ryan Nugent-Hopkins is already becoming a dominant force and Taylor Hall and Jordan Eberle are just beginning to show their true potential. In order for the Oilers to continue to compete Nikolai Khabibulin is going to have to play like a Vezina candidate. I still have my doubts they’re a playoff team but they’ll be exciting to watch.
Grade: BLos Angeles Kings – In the preseason I picked the Kings to be near the top of the Western Conference standings. Like most of my preseason predictions, I’ve been way off base to date (but it’s not over yet). The Kings have been playing a real sloppy brand of hockey and the offense is non-existent (their 55 goals scored is 13th in the conference). Goalie Jonathan Quick can only do so much but if Mike Richards, Simon Gagne, Justin Williams and Anze Kopitar can’t get the offense going, the Kings are going nowhere. Oh, and Dustin Penner is lazy (sorry, I hate Penner).
Grade: CMinnesota Wild – The Wild have no offense. In fact they rank last in the conference with only 54 goals scored. Sniper Dany Heatley is under performing, only scoring six goals to date and their leading goal scorer, Matt Cullen, has only eight. Yet given these facts the Wild are still in first place in the Northwest Division, thanks to the defense and goaltending. In saying all this, unless the offense gets their ass in gear the current record of the Wild is a mirage. The Western Conference is way too good to win solely on defense.
Grade: ANashville Predators – Goalie Pekka Rinne started off hot and was awarded a multi-year extension. Since he got “paid”, Renne has struggled some and when he struggles so do the Predators because they can’t put the puck in the net. Shea Weber and Ryan Suter are both elite defenseman and are the best defensive pairing I can remember since Chris Pronger and Scott Niedermeyer. I really like this team on paper and if Rinne gets hot, the rest of the league will notice.
Grade: CPhoenix Coyotes – I didn’t expect much from the post-Gretzky Coyotes, especially after they traded Ilya Bryzgalov to the Flyers and replaced him with Mike Smith. Those moves have worked out. While Bryzgalov has struggled with inconsistency in Philly, Smith is putting up All-Star numbers. Offensively they play true team hockey and although there’s no sexy name on the roster, every line can hurt you. The Coyotes will be in Quebec, Hamilton, Kansas City, or Seattle soon; so Coyotes fans, enjoy it while it lasts.
Grade: BSt. Louis Blues – The Blues started off the season terribly. Goalie Jaroslav Halak was an abomination and the offense completely forgot how to play hockey. Once they fired coach Davis Payne in favor of Ken Hitchcock (dick), they’ve turned things around. Since Hitchcock took the reins in St. Louis they have won seven games and only lost one game in regulation. Hitchcock has a history for turning franchises around so it’ll be interesting to see how this pans out.
Grade: BSan Jose Sharks – The Sharks are right where they are supposed to be; atop the Pacific Division, even though starting goalie Antti Niemi missed the first few weeks (Thomas Greiss did a great job in his absence). The offseason trade of sending Dany Heatley to Minnesota for Brent Burns really bolstered the defense. There’s no doubt the Sharks will be in control of their own destiny the remainder of the season. The question is will they keep it up in the playoffs or continue to be on the level with Philip Rivers and remain giant choke artists.
Grade: AVancouver Canucks – When the season started the Canucks were God awful and spent the first few weeks of the season in the basement in the Northwest Division (how come no one rioted?). Since then the Canucks have turned it on and are currently riding a four game winning streak and they now find themselves in second place in the Northwest. Even though they are hot they still haven’t played to their potential so Canucks fans have many reasons to smile (and not flip a car).
Grade: CThere you have it Rioters! The report cards have been handed out. Where do you stand? Let me know at shatmeself@yahoo.com, and tell me where I’m right (or in most cases, where I’m wrong). Don’t forget to follow us on Twitter @TheSportsRiot. I’m going to harass you guys until I see you following. All you have to do is click a button. Make it happen.
Jay's NHL Eastern Conference Report Card or Ragging on Teams a Quarter of the Way In
Well Rioters! we are a quarter of the way through the 2011-12 NHL season and the league is beginning to shape up with who are the pretenders and who are the actual contenders. If you don’t believe me last season a study was done in Toronto and it found that 77.5% of the teams that are in the top eight in their division make the playoffs. This is the time of year when the men are separated from the boys (I’m sure Jerry Sandusky used that line often). In saying that, it’s report card time. I always hated getting a report card. What used to really piss me off was that it always came out right before a holiday break or vacation so it could f*ck up your time off (at least in my case). Normally I tried to hide it for as long as possible and tried to have one of my friends forge my mom’s signature (actually being a good student never really crossed my mind). In the long run it always blew up in my face but at least I didn’t get busted for my half-assed forgery until after the break. Anyway enough of my life as a shitty student, what grade does your favorite NHL team get in their quarterly report card?
Boston Bruins – Despite a slow start the defending Stanley Cup Champions have found last year’s magic and are back on top. Sophomore Tyler Seguin is leading the offense and Tim Thomas has been unbeatable over the past month. Bruins fans are currently shitting rainbows.
Grade: A
Buffalo Sabres – I honestly expected a little more out of the Sabres given the talent on their roster. The excuse could be the injury to goalie Ryan Miller but that’s bullshit because Miller currently ranks 33rd in GAA and has a losing record. Their offense is underachieving and they have no real physical game, which will hurt them in the long run.
Grade: C
Carolina Hurricanes – Carolina has been terrible so far. Cam Ward can’t stop a beach ball, Eric Stall couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn with a puck, and the defense is so bad it makes the Islanders look good. I’m sure they’re regretting the Thomas Kabrle trade. He’s an offensive defenseman who can’t play defense and forgot how to play offense. What a waste.
Grade: F
Florida Panthers – The Panthers are one of the biggest surprises at this point in the season. Kris Versteeg, Jose Theodore, Thomas Fleischmann are all playing way above their career averages and the trade for Brian Campbell looks like a steal (despite his big contract), since he’s playing like an All-Star. I’m still not sold on this team, but for now all systems go.
Grade: A
Montreal Canadiens – Sorry Habs fans, the Canadiens aren’t very good. Sure, Carey Price is one of the best goaltenders in the league, but the offense is non-existent (they are currently in the bottom quarter of the conference in goals scored), and it’s not going to get any better unless Erik Cole decides to earn his paycheck (which he won’t).
Grade: D
New Jersey Devils – The Devils are exactly where I expected them to be; spending the season around eighth in the conference. The goaltending is a big concern. Martin Brodeur and Johan Hedberg are senior citizens by NHL standards and are injury prone. This doesn’t bode well for a team that doesn’t score goals. Hopefully they’ll get a spark when Travis Zajac returns because every Devils fan knows that the cheap bastard Lou Lamarello isn’t going to open his wallet to bring in a superstar via trade.
Grade: C
New York Islanders – This team is a joke from the ownership to the shitty product they put on the ice. It’s a damn shame because the Islanders do have a great NHL history (even if it was 30 years ago). I can’t wait until I see Islanders fans start wearing paper bags on their head. I know I would if I rooted for them. Their style of hockey is an embarrassment to the entire league and it won’t change until there’s new ownership in place (which isn’t likely).
Grade: F
New York Rangers – Hendrik Lundquist has become the best goalie in the Eastern Conference and that’s a good thing because the Rangers have struggled to score goals. This is surprising given the talent on the roster. That tells me the Rangers are due for an offensive breakout. This team is a lot better than I have given them credit for.
Grade: B
Ottawa Senators – The Senators are playing better than I expected them to but they still aren’t very good. They are probably one of the most physical teams in the conference but their goaltending is junk (they’d be better suited to bring up prospect Robin Lehner and throwing him to the wolves), and the offense isn’t consistent. They are a punching bag for the rest of the division and that’s not going to change.
Grade: D
Philadelphia Flyers – I had high expectations from this team. A quarter of the way through I see a team that can score a lot and score often. They also give up a ton of goals and consistently turn the puck over. When Chris Pronger is not on the ice they are a different team (which happens more often than not). If they honestly expect to go deep into the playoffs Ilya Bryzgalov is going to need to take his head out of his ass and find his way out of the woods.
Grade: B
Pittsburgh Penguins – I hate the Penguins more than I hate the Devils, Rangers or Capitals and I wish I could rip them. Unfortunately I can’t. The Pens are among the league’s elite and they’ve done this without Cindy, I mean Sidney Crosby. I can only pray Gary Bettman’s wet dream will mess up team chemistry and they’ll crash and burn, but even I’m not delusional enough to think that will happen.
Grade: A
Tampa Bay Lightning – The Lightning look like a shell of the team that made it to last season’s Eastern Conference Final. The offense is still there, but the goaltending has been atrocious. Dwayne Roloson’s 3.47 GAA and .887 save percentage are among the league’s worst (it doesn’t help that he’s like 60), and while Mattieu Garon isn’t having a terrible season, the Lightning are going nowhere if he’s the starter. I think they’ll improve some but without decent goaltending, they’re screwed.
Grade: D
Toronto Maple Leafs – The Leafs have done nothing wrong this season. The league’s youngest team has the ability to score at will, and have had consistent goaltending despite multiple injuries. Things have been going so well for the Leaf’s I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop, but maybe they are the real deal. It’s been a while since the city of Toronto has had something to cheer for since the Jays, Argonauts, and Raptors blow; so good for them.
Grade: A
Washington Capitals – If the Ducks weren’t as piss poor as they are, the Capitals would be the biggest disappointment this season. I picked them to win the Stanley Cup, and they’re making me look like a choad. With Ovechkin, Semin, Backstrom, Green, and Vokoun, there’s no reason the Capitals should be barely hanging on in the conference (at the time of this writing, The Team 1260 is reporting coach Bruce Boudreau has been shitcanned).
Grade: F
Winnipeg Jets – My love for the Jets aside I have concerns about them. The offense is all or nothing, and the defense is real shaky at times. In saying that, it’s what I expected out of the Jets this season. I do think a step in the right direction would be moving Dustin Byfuglien to a forward role. He’s better suited there. I’d love to see the Jets make the playoffs this season, but I’m not going to hold my breath.
Grade: C
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
TSR!'s NHL Quarterly Report
Kessel is proving to Maple Leaf doubters that trading away the second overall pick in last season’s draft (Tyler Seguin, who is having a fine season in his own right), wasn’t another chucklehead move by Toronto’s front office. His lead-leading 30 points are giving Leaf’s fans a sense of hope that they actually might make the playoffs, ending a seven-year playoff drought. Although I really haven’t given the Leafs much thought since they dealt Doug Gilmour to the Devils in 1997, it’s good to see an Original Six team being relevant.
The biggest question surrounding Kessel is if he can keep this pace up considering his history of being a streaky player. Personally I doubt it, but considering he’s an American I’ll invoke a false sense of patriotism and root him on.
Runners Up: Claude Giroux – Flyers, Kris Versteeg - Panthers
Once again Weber is showing the league while he’s the league’s best defenseman. He currently leads all defenseman with a plus 16 rating and when he is on the ice with his defensive partner Ryan Suter opponents haven’t scored an even strength goal since October 30th (unfortunately for the Preds when other pairings are on the ice they are combine minus 25).
Currently Weber has 15 points after 21 games putting him on pace to eclipse is career high of 53 points in a season. It wouldn’t surprise me to see the Predators trade Weber as they fade from contention. Weber will be a free agent at season’s and will have 29 other teams dying to sign him to a long term deal (granted there’s a chance he will be re-signed, but Suter is also a free agent and it’s unlikely Nashville will be able to sign both of them long term).
Runners Up: Ryan Suter – Predators, Erik Karlsson - Senators
Calder Trophy (Rookie of the Year) – Ryan Nugent-Hopkins – Oilers
As an Oilers fan I was stoked when Edmonton drafted Nugent-Hopkins with the first overall pick this past summer, as he was the most put together prospect since Cindy Crosby. When he made the team out of camp I had reservations if he was NHL-ready (given the fact he’s only 18), and if you listen to any type of sports radio I wasn’t the only one.Well “The Nuge” is proving all skeptics wrong (myself included). He currently leads all rookies in scoring with 24 points (an eight point lead over Luke Adam and Craig Smith), and is the first line center on a young Oilers squad. With young studs like Nuge, Taylor Hall, Jordan Eberle, and Jeff Petry paired with seasoned veterans like Shawn Horcoff, Ryan Smyth, and Ales Hemsky, Oilers fans have plenty of reasons to be excited.
Runners Up: Matt Read – Flyers, Adam Larsson - Devils
Vezina Trophy (Best Goalie) – Jimmy Howard – Red Wings
For some reason Jimmy Howard was left off this year’s All-Star ballot (along with Tyler Seguin, and Corey Crawford, but a concussed Crosby made it. What the hell was the NHL thinking?), but that’s not stopping Howard for continuing to be one of the league’s best goalies. Howard currently leads the league in wins with 13, shutouts with 3, while sporting a stingy 1.87 GAA. He is currently on pace to exceed career highs in wins (prior 37), shutouts (prior 3), and GAA (prior 2.26). He’s the main reason while the Red Wings continue to be a force in the Western Conference.
Runners Up: Tim Thomas – Bruins, Nikolai Khabibulin - Oilers
Adams Trophy (Coach of the Year) – Kevin Dineen – Panthers
If you look back in our archives I picked the Florida Panthers to finish dead last in the Eastern Conference. Well we’re a quarter of the way through and the Panthers lead the Southeast Division, and are once again making me looking like an idiot. The biggest reason for this surprise start is Kevin Dineen.Dineen has the upstart Panthers believing that they are actually a good team. He has Kris Versteeg playing like an elite player, Jose Theodore thinking he’s not over the hill, and Mike Weaver thinking he can actually play defense (I wish his last name was Seaver. I’ve been dying to use a Growing Pains reference). While I personally don’t think the Panthers can keep it up, Dineen is doing a fantastic job to date.
Runners Up: Mike Yao – Wild, Tom Renney – Oilers
It wouldn’t be a Riot! piece if we just gave straight forward thought. What are we Yahoo! Sports? Rioters! expect more from us, which is why I’ve come up with our own awards. Allow me to present the TSR! Awards.
Alex Daigle Award (Biggest Disappointment) – Jarome Iginla, Flames
Iginla has had 10 consecutive seasons with at least 30 goals and four of the past five seasons with at least 85 points. This season is a bit askew. Iginla has been an absolute abortion recording 6 goals and 4 assists in 21 games. His -11 and watching him get his ass kicked anytime he tries to fight is just another kick in the balls for the underachieving forward. I’d blame him for the Flames troubles so far this season but Calgary flat out sucks (which makes Lanny McDonald’s moustache angry). Fear not Flames fans. Once Iginla gets traded to a contender he’ll heat up and return to his prior form.Runners Up: Ilya Bryzgalov – Flyers, Alex Ovechkin - Capitals
Shotgun Wedding Award (Biggest Surprise) – Joffrey Lupul, Maple Leafs
I’ve followed Lupul since he was drafted by the Ducks in 2002. He was a seventh overall pick and I thought had the talent to be one of the NHL’s elite. I was wrong. He was nothing but a marginal second line forward (actually better suited on the third line) in Anaheim (twice), Edmonton, and Philadelphia. This year, in his first full season in Toronto, Lupul is living up to his potential. He’s currently third in the league in scoring (27 points), and along with line mate Phil Kessel, they are carrying the first place Leafs. I have my doubts he can keep it up since the most points he scored in a season is 50, but stranger things have happened (like people who thought Adam Sandler’s Jack & Jill was a good movie premise).Runners Up: Kris Versteeg – Panthers, Kyle Wellwood - Jets
Asham took a lot of flak for his actions after this fight. After beating the shit out of Beagle, rendering him unconscious, he motioned to the crowd it was over, and then put his hands to his head like it was bedtime (which it was for Beagle). I disagree. First off, Beagle deserved to get his ass kicked. He’s not a very good player (he actually sucks and has no business being on an NHL roster), he’s nowhere near a fighter (especially to try and take on a guy like Asham), and his last name is the breed of a dog (that just annoys me). Snoopy got what was coming to him. Secondly Asham wasn’t trying to be an asshole; he was just trying to pump up the home crowd. I can completely stand behind that.
Runners Up: Tanner Glass (Wpg) vs. Cody McCormick (Buf), George Parros (Aha) vs. Brian McGrattan (Nsh)
Andy Reid Award (Coach That Should be Fired) – Randy Caryle, Ducks
I don’t care if he led the Ducks to a Stanley Cup Championship in 1997; Caryle needs to be given his walking papers. When you have players like Corey Perry, Bob Ryan, Ryan Getzalf, Teemu Selanne, and Jonas Hiler, there’ no reason your team should be tied with the Islanders with 17 points (only one point ahead of the last-place Blue Jackets). There’s clearly a motivation problem on the Ducks and that stems from Caryle and his inability to motive his team. Fifteen years was a long time ago. Caryle can’t continue to live on prior laurels while his team shits the bed.Runners Up: Jack Capuano – Islanders, Brent Sutter - Flames
I’m all for people being an asshole. Hell, I’m one myself (hence the name of the award), but sometimes people even exceed my asshole threshold and Lucic is clearly one of those assholes. Aside from being one of the many wanna-be tough guys on the Bruins, I still can’t get over his cheap shot on Sabres goalie, Ryan Miller. I understand when a goalie is out of the crease they’re fair game but to blindside a goalie, giving him a concussion, is a total pusscake move; especially on a guy like Miller. I’m willing to bet if it was Ron Hextall or Billy Smith was in goal that shit wouldn’t have happened because Lucic would have gotten the shit beat out of him.
Runners Up: Sean Avery – Rangers, Derek Dorsett – Blue Jackets
Runners Up: Alex Ovechkin – Capitals, Roberto Luongo – Canucks
Well the quarterly awards have been given. Can they keep it up until the midway point? In most cases it’s not likely, but stay tuned as the season progresses and I do my midseason awards. Do you agree with my picks? If you don’t, I could care less. Actually I kid. Hit me up at shatmeself@yahoo.com and let me hear your take. Don’t forget to follow us on Twitter @TheSportsRiot. It’s more addictive than cigarettes.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Suh-pid!
This isn’t just about his bonehead antics on the field. I can almost understand or even justify that. If you’ve ever played sports you can understand the passion that comes with it. Sometimes in the heat of the moment you do something stupid that the John Q. Citizen isn’t going to find sportsmanlike but unless you’re actually the one in that instant fit of passion you don’t understand. The thing is, after the incident, regarding how severe it is, you have to man up to it and take responsibility for your actions.
This is when Suh-pid’s thoughts went off the reservation. In his post game comments, following his ejection for stomping on an opposing player, Suh said the following:"I want to apologize to my teammates, my coaches and my true fans for allowing the refs to have an opportunity to take me out of this game. What I did was remove myself from the situation the best way I felt, with me being held down. My intention was not to kick anybody, as I did not, removing myself. I was on top of a guy, being pulled down, and trying to get up off the ground -- and why you see me pushing his helmet down, because I'm trying to remove myself from the situation, and as I'm getting up, I'm getting pushed, so I'm getting myself on balance."
This quote says so many things, and most of them are completely stupid, but definitely entertaining. Let’s break it down:
"I want to apologize to my teammates, my coaches and my true fans for allowing the refs to have an opportunity to take me out of this game.” Ok… While the opening sentence starts of in a good direction, nine words in it makes a wrong turn at Albuquerque. He should apologize to his teammate and coaches. His stupidity cost the Lions a touchdown, but that’s not what he’s apologizing for (we’ll get to that).
As it continues he apologizes to his “real fans”. Now by “real fans”, only one can assume it’s the “fans” that think he did nothing wrong because Suh is clearly in the right (at least in his mind). That comment automatically alienates him from the average slob, sitting in their Laz-E-Boy, eating a leftover turkey sandwich, watching Sportscenter. Not that they’ll find any sympathy for his actions, but because they’ll see the replay, hear his comments, and think he’s a bigger a**hole than he already is.The kicker in this sentence is “for allowing the refs to have an opportunity to take me out of this game”. If you actually BELIEVE the refs took him out of the game, you probably believe there was a second shooter on the grassy knoll. There’s no conspiracy here guy with too many consonants in his name. The bottom line is you f*cked up and deserved to get 86’d from the game.
This sentence would have been some much easier if Suh simply said “I’d like to apologize to my teammates, coaches, and fans. I f*cked up. In the heat of the moment, anger got the best of me, and I took it out on a second-rate lineman.” If he simply said that the statement would have been over.
Let’s continue…
What I did was remove myself from the situation the best way I felt, with me being held down.
This statement is 100% jack-shit. It’s nothing but Suh-pid attempting to play the victim when he clearly was in the wrong. See, and because he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed he doesn’t realize that once again he’s looking like a giant asshole. Let’s say hypothetically he was being held down (which he clearly wasn’t), the best idea he thought of to break free from being held down was to repeatedly bang a man’s head on a concrete slab covered in Astroturf? Then when you get up you stomp on their arm? Maybe he felt, while being in front of 80,000 people, teammates, coaches, referees, and 5 million viewers on purpose, that his life was in danger. That then triggered a Vietnam flashback, and he went into “Rambo” survival mode. That’s highly doubtful.
Next…
My intention was not to kick anybody, as I did not, removing myself.
Most people might think this sentence is a lie but I disagree. Technically he’s not lying. He never kicked anyone. He stomped on them (there is a difference and personally I prefer a kick). This is Suh trying to be a kindergarten Matlock, but still looking like a jackass and not taking any responsibility for his idiocy. What he failed to address is when he “didn’t kick” Deitrich-Smith he was already removed (if there was a lie there it was that he never removed himself but was assisted by other players).
I was on top of a guy, being pulled down, and trying to get up off the ground -- and why you see me pushing his helmet down, because I'm trying to remove myself from the situation, and as I'm getting up, I'm getting pushed, so I'm getting myself on balance."
First off this sentence begins like a rape victim giving a police statement but I’ll give Suh credit that he sticks to his story no matter what. We know he was on top of a guy (that’s what she said), but where’s the magical force pulling him down? And what’s this shit about trying to get up? My girl’s three-year-old niece could see the video and realize he’s full of shit.
Another consistency in Suh’s statement is he’s clearly trying to remove himself from “The Situation” (which I can agree with because The Situation oozes douchebaggery), but it’s a self-inflicted “Situation” (much like those skanks he hooked up with who are now in line at the VD clinic). My question is that in removing himself from “The Situation” he needed to bash a player’s head against the field multiple times (which is something I’d like to do to The Situation)???
As for the line of shit that he needed to use Deitrich-Smith’s head for balance to “remove himself from the situation”, the only two people I can think of who need to bounce something off the ground for balance to get up might be Michael J Fox or Muhammad Ali. Come one Suh-pid, you’re better than that.His excuses are about as good as Styx’s comeback record Edge of the Century (probably only Chris will get that reference but if you do excellent pick up). All Suh had to do was simply apologize, but he chose to take the high road and be self-righteous a**hole. I’d punch the guy in the face, but I’m a smart enough guy to realize he’ll kick my ass. Instead I might punch his mom’s face for giving him such a stupid name.
A Fandom of a Different Kind
As I wrote about earlier, I went to a Katy Perry concert earlier this week in Oakland and not only did I see a half naked, gorgeous pop star prance around the stage for two hours, I witnessed quite a bit more. I had the opportunity to witness Fandom on a whole new plain; the likes of which this Advanced Fan has never seen before. You see, I’m a fan of many things; my teams (Jets, Mets, Rangers, etc.) and my music (RUSH, 3, KISS, anything progressive, etc.) just to name a few. But what I experienced on Monday night at the Oracle arena was something I had never experienced before; pop music Fandom. This animal was untamed, and off the hook. You would think this list was just 16-year-old little girls and maybe some parents, but no, this list was way more than that, and a little frightening.
The Teenage Girl – So this one is self-explanatory and probably accounted for 75% of the audience and rightfully so. Katy Perry is a little edgier than your typical pop star, and her lyrics are not something I would want my teenage daughter singing (“I wanna see your Peacock-cock-cock, your Peacock”) but that aside, your average 13 to 19 year old girl is what I would expect to see at this concert. This group is rabid, and crazy and apparently drunk. Let me tell you, I haven’t seen that many drunk teenage girls since Big Ben Roethlisberger stopped slipping mickeys at dive bars. I’m willing to bet if the Oakland PD had the manpower (they are currently to busy dealing with Occupy Oakland) they could have had one of the most massive fake ID raids of all-time. How did all these girls get so wasted? Unless they are all super young looking 21 year olds? I don’t know, but what I do know is these banshees can scream, WOW! Sloppy, drunk and loud….sounds like my kind of night, but be careful boys sometimes these girls look 25-years-old and that is a trap you don’t want to spring.
The 20-something girl – I don’t think this group exists. It’s either teenagers who look 25, or cougars that look 25. Either way, be careful with this group.
The Cougar – Now, being a man in his thirties, nothing is hotter than seeing a 35 to 45 year old decked out in fish-nets, bousteir, glittery make-up, blue wig and skirts so short that this portion of the article can be part of our moustache conversation. Of course, I’m being sarcastic. Ladies, I don’t mean to put you down, and make you feel insecure because most of you were very pretty and downright hot, but grab a notepad and take a lesson. Katy Perry herself would not dress like that to go to a concert. It is sad to see a 40 year old dressed like that. I’m not going to go into it any further, it just is.
The Dignified Woman – Well, there are very few of these, I was lucky enough to be with one of them. They are beautifully, appropriately dressed for their age, and just excited enough to make the show fun. They sing loudly, and scream when necessary. These girls are usually with someone on a date and are just a joy to be around. I wish I was sitting next to a few more of these people. Instead, I had teenagers in front of us, and a 10-year-old behind us. UGH!
The 10-year old and their parents – As obnoxious and ear-piercing as the teenagers were, the 10-year-old and their parents are ridiculous. Look, first off why are you bringing your 10-year-old to see a half naked girl sing about kissing girls, and going all the way for two and a half hours? I mean, I will probably do the same thing and defend myself at that time, but right now I have to tell you, it’s bad parenting. Secondly, if you are going to bring your child to a concert, please keep them in line. I mean, this goes for all venues (restaurant, movies, train, airplanes, etc.); control your child. As a father of roughly 2,000 kids I know that it’s not an easy task to keep your kids in line in public. Mostly because you can’t hit or threaten to hit them in public, but for the sake of the people around you, and your own safety you have to. I say this because my wife was continuously blinded and had her head violated by this little 10-year-old boy, of all things, shining a flashlight in her eyes and ass-butting her head for two and a half hours. Multiple times I turned around and glared at his parents, and being a parent myself I know the glare of people swearing off pro-creation because of the punishment your child is inflicting on their senses, but to no avail, the ass-butting continued.
Guys – OK, so there are some sub-catagories here and since males made up maybe 5% of the 15,000 people that were there I feel safe putting them all together.
*Gay guys – DUH, most female pop stars are loved by gay men I think. Since Madonna, I think most of them play to that demographic. Now, I’m not a gay man but I feel Katy Perry would definitely be a fav of that community and judging by what I saw on Monday night, I think I’m right.
*Gay guys posing as straight guys – Yes I saw you, you’re not fooling anyone.
*Guys there because they want to get laid – This happens at every concert. It’s either a date situation, or a group of single guys hoping to score with some girl high on the sexuality of the performance and drunk enough to not care that you are a straight guy at a Katy Perry concert without a girl (which means you’re there to score, get it). You can see these guys from a mile away. They usually have their shirts off, and are being overly masculine. This is to separate themselves from the gay guys, so there is no mistaking them as gay. These guys don’t even know who’s performing, they just stick their c*cks in the air and pick up the scent; like a coke hound.
*Guys there because they want to make their significant others happy – That would be me. Although I enjoyed the show, I would never have gone if it were just me. These guys are sprinkled about the arena. You can usually spot them via radar, and connect with them through eye contact and a simple nod of the head.
Adults who don’t know why they are there – OK, this was an odd one. I’ve been to concerts before where people obviously didn’t belong (I saw an infant at a Pantera show once, no sh*t) but some of these were just uncomfortable. I saw four senior citizens in blue wigs. No, not wigs they were trying to pass off as actual hair, and no not a bad dye job, actual Katy Perry sanctioned blue wigs. WTF!?
“Grandma, where are you going?”
“To play bridge with Ethel.”
“What’s with the blue wig? Halloween was weeks ago. Uh oh, did you forget your meds again?
“No, dear, just trying something new.”
“OK, well be careful, we don’t want to have you accidentally commited again. Remember when you went to play bridge at Ethel’s with KISS make-up on, that didn’t go so well did it?”
“ Ok Dear, don”t wait up, it’s going to be another late night at Ethel’s.”
All this time, Grandma and her friends are sneaking off to arenas going to teeny bopper concerts. What an odd sight, but go for yours gram; get your “Teenage Dream” on with your blue wig.
All in all, it was a pretty harmless crowd; the gay boys kept to themselves, and the gropers were usually there with a gropee to keep them occupied. The dangerous spots in this crowd are the shirtless, Abercrombie crew who think they are tough and the stealth teenage girl who looks 25 but is actually 17: BEWARE OF THIS.
I have to say, I’ve been studying fandoms for years now and this one was a tough one to get a hold of. I’m not sure if it’s a formed unit yet, I guess only time will tell. I do have to say though, most of the people at this show truly love this artist, and I can see why (check out my piece from earlier in the week http://thesportsriot.blogspot.com/2011/11/and-now-for-something-completely.html).
Anyone one else who was at this show or have seen Ms. Perry in another city, drop me a line and let me know what your thoughts are thesportsriot@yahoo.com. I wouldn’t call myself a fan, but I can why I would be.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Top 5 Things The Riot! is Thankful For
Happy Thanksgiving Rioters! Thanksgiving is a day we awake and recover from the hangover from the night before, spend the day with friends and family, and become so gluttonous that we consume more food in one sitting than an African village does in an entire month. Personally it’s my favorite holiday. It gives me chance to reflect and be thankful for the things I have. There are the trivial things like having a job, knowing my bills are paid (well most of them), a roof over my head, family, friends, and my significant other. Then there’s the important things; the meat and potatoes of life. Of course I’m talking about beer, sports, and music.
When Chris and I discussed each doing a top 5 of what we are thankful for in sports, it really got me thinking. With all the gratitude I have when it comes to sports how could I possibly narrow it down to five things? Well after taking a shower, putting away laundry, and chain smoking seven cigarettes I managed to narrow it down.
5 – Thanksgiving Day Football – When I think of Thanksgiving I think of turkey and football (although I probably should think about pilgrims giving thousands of injuns small pox, but that’s not the American way). For years now it’s been great to watch the football games after a belly full of grub, but it still has its annoyances. First off the Cowboys play ever year no matter how bad they are (I hate the Cowboys). Secondly due to poor scheduling the games were nothing more than average. This year is finally different.
The Detroit Lions are finally a relevant team and that make me as happier than seeing Wayne Fontes inhale a giant bowl of pudding. At 7-3, they’ll host the undefeated Packers. I’m expecting a high scoring game with Matthew Stafford and Aaron Rogers gun slinging the pigskin down the field. My prediction 42-38 Lions. Book it. Kevin Smith will have another big game (he better since I’m starting him in fantasy football this season), and the cheeseheads will be crying in their beer.
There’s one BIG issue I have with the Lions/Packers game; the halftime show. Nickelback is the “talent” (I use that word very loosely), and is scheduled to perform. I HATE Nickelback and my hatred runs deep. Their music completely sucks. I put it on a shelf with Three Doors Down, Puddle of Mudd, and Stain’d. I file this under “White Trash Rock”, and there’s no room for that shit in my music catalog. Then there’s their cheesy pyrotechnic show. It’s so campy and overproduced even KISS finds it offensive. I hate Nickelback so much I’ve walked out of stores if I heard one of their songs playing (I know I have problems, don’t judge me). My hatred for this second-rate shitty band isn’t my issue (well it really is). My other issue is they’re Canadian!
I have plenty of love for my friends North of the border, so this isn’t some type of bullshit “I don’t want them there Can-a-dian’s playing my football game.” It’s not a “these colors don’t run” speech either. My issue is Thanksgiving is really an American holiday. I think it would be more fitting it was played by Americans (just like Three Doors Down shouldn’t play a Boxing Day event). An American from Detroit would be a plus. I think clowns like Kid Rock and Eminem both suck, but at least they have some roots in the city where the game is being held. If I had my way, I’d love to see Ted Nugent tear shit up during halftime at Ford Field (I’ll overlook his facist political views).
4 – NBA Lockout – There’s still no NBA and quite frankly I don’t care. In fact I like it. Although I have love for the Knicks and was looking forward to seeing Amar’e Stoudamire and Carmelo Anthony finally turn a great franchise around, I’m not going to lose any sleep over it. The big plus it’s less I’ll have to hear Charles Barkley.
I loathe Barkley. I didn’t like him as a player and I can’t stand him less as an announcer. He really contributes nothing. He likes to hear his own voice by trying to be a tough guy or telling a poorly thought out joke. I used to find it entertaining because the guy is such a choad, but now it’s just annoying (he’s on par with the Skylar Brothers). The only thing that makes him appear entertaining is that Ernie Johnson has the personality of a cigarette butt. Unfortunately I still have to hear Barkley’s monosyllabic nonsense on the radio from time to time but it’s a lot better than his shtick on TNT.
I actually have benefitted from the lockout because of an encounter I had with Kevin Durant. A few weeks ago I went to the Mitchell & Ness Store here in Philadelphia with the intention of buying a Quebec Nordiques hat (the next city to return to glory with an NHL franchise). After looking around for a bit I saw a bitchin’ Kansas City Scouts hat (if you don’t know who the Scouts are, look it up). Since I’ve never seen one before, it was a score for a hat dork like me, so I picked it up. As I headed to the counter I saw this giant black guy. He too was looking at the Scouts hat. The register girl told me it was Kevin Durant. So I had to go introduce myself (I wish I had business cards because I’m the kind of guy Kev wants to know). We took a few pics (those to follow), and I went on my merry way. It’s nice to know that even though Kev is unemployed he’s still contributing to the economy.
3 – Winnipeg Jets – Big surprise here. Chris and I have never hid our love for the City of Winnipeg and the return of the Jets. We campaigned for their return for a long time now and it’s great to see them back. I listen to them on the radio and watch the game whenever I can (which isn’t exactly easy in Philadelphia unless I have the Center Ice package, but I’m a starving artist). Saturday I was watching the Jets/Flyers game with the better half and her brother came over. He asked me if I was really a Jets fan or if I just liked the hat. I think he knew the answer when he watched me cheer every time the Jets beat Sergei Bobrowsky (eventually the channel was changed to college football).
While the team does still have some questions, the Jets are only going to get better and I’m looking forward to 2012 when they return to Philadelphia (hopefully they’ll score 10 goals this time).
I’m also thankful that as a result of the Jets returning to Winnipeg, that Atlanta no longer has a hockey team. Like our love for Winnipeg we have also never hid our disgust for the lack of fandom in the “Crab Apple” (when I lived there the yokels would tell me “You’re from the Big Apple, now you live in the Little Apple.” After about three hours living there I dubbed it the crab apple). Atlanta is a terrible sports town and doesn’t deserve a hockey team when there are cities out there that are dying to have one.
2 – No John Madden – I think I’m beginning to develop a pattern here. It’s appearing I’m only thankful for things in sports I won’t have to see (with the exception of the Jets). What can I tell you, I’m an angry guy, but it only fuels my fandom. There are plenty of things I love but I guess I might take them for granted. Anyway, enough of my digression, let’s get angry.
I know it’s been a few years since the slob Madden graced with his Thanksgiving coverage on Fox. I’m thankful for this every day but more so on Thanksgiving because I know I won’t have to hear his dimwitted insight. Aside from him lending his name to one of the best video games ever made I have no use for the guy. He was a poor announcer with bad long-winded stories. That’s if you can understand what he was saying. Half the time it sounded like he was trying to get words out between bites of a ham and swiss hoagie. It’s no surprise Pat Summerall was a drunk. I’d need a bottle of Jack Daniels just to get through the first half of a game if I had to sit next to that fat bastard.
Then there’s that stupid turkey he would waddle out with (well or get someone to bring out. If he had to do it himself he couldn’t get 10 steps without starting to nosh on it). Although ridiculous, it taught me one thing. Fat Johnny only liked white meat. Think about it. If you go back and look at pictures of the turkey it consists of eight legs and thighs, thrown together. There were no breasts. What he didn’t shove already down his gullet was waiting for him on his tour bus.
A little known fact about John Madden: He was never really scared to fly. He was blacklisted from the airlines because his fat as couldn’t fit in the seat.
1 – Not Thinking About The Phillies Collapse – This still haunts part of me every day, although it’s slowly getting easier. The fact that the Phillies dominated the entire season, only to shit the bed in the playoffs killed me. After going through all seven stages of grief at once, which lasted about 10 days (Chris did post a nice email rant I sent him after the Phillies collapsed like a folding chair supporting John Madden’s ass), then I would curse Ryan Howard every day. I almost felt what it was like to be a Mets fan (except the Phillies collapsed AFTER they made the playoffs). It didn’t help either that the Eagles have played like a Division II Jr. College.Now that the World Series is over and baseball’s second season has started it’s getting easier. I love the offseason. It’s where Ruben Amaro Jr. will figure out what went wrong in October and make sure it doesn’t happen again (in theory). They’ve already added a new closer (Jonathon Papelbon), and two big bats off the bench (Ty Wigginton and Jim Thome), so things are moving in the right direction. Next is to re-sign Jimmy Rollins (or bring in a shortstop who is proven and more talented), and sign Mike Cuddyer, and I’ll be a happy guy counting the days until February when pitchers and catchers report.
It could be worse. I could actually be a Mets fan. Then I’d know what it was like to root for a team that has been run into the ground. It’s not going to be pretty next year when they’re looking up at the Nationals in the standings.
As you can see I’m pretty thankful. What are you thankful for? Drop me a line at shatmeself@yahoo.com and let me know. I don’t want to hear about the trivial crap like your dog, kids, Jesus, lawnmower, or wife. I want what really matters. Your fandom (well if you are really thankful for your lawnmower, I’ll accept that too). Oh, and if you’re really thankful, you’ll follow us on Twitter @thesportsriot. Have a happy and safe Thanksgiving.
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