Jay's Mail Bag

Here at The Riot! the readers sometimes have questions, comments, or just basically need life advice. Well that’s where I come in.  Readers have been emailing me at shatmeself@yahoo.com, with these quandaries, and it would be plain disrespectful if I didn’t give these people a little love.  I normally do this with my favorite bartender (my own personal Ann Landers, f*ck Dear Abby), but not everyone is me.  So sport fans, I’ll play the role of bartender.  Let’s check the email:

I know you are a Phillies and a big Flyers fan.  What do you think our chances are in the playoffs?

Ben, Philadelphia, PA

Ben,

I’ve soured on the Flyers down the stretch.  They’ve played real lazy hockey, and have had care free attitude since clinching a playoff spot.  Playoff hockey is about momentum, and the Flyers have none of that right now.  Initially I thought they are a one and done, but I like the match up better with the Sabres in the first round more than being matched up with the Rangers.

Keys are Pronger returning to anchor the defense, and Leino and Richards need to step up and show some consistency.  One bright spot is we won’t have to worry about a shootout in the playoffs, where the Flyers are god awful. 

What’s your beef with the AFL?  It’s huge here in Orlando.

Kyle, Altamonte Springs, FL

I lived in Orlando for a majority of the 90’s, so I’m well aware of the love the Predators get in O-Town.  Shit, back then I’ve been to some games myself.  In saying that, the reason my buddies and I would go there on a Friday night, wasn’t for the “sport” of arena football, but it was a place to pre-game before we got shitty in Downtown Orlando.  It was a party and all of a sudden a pickup football game broke out.  There were no kids there, the crowd was rowdy, and girls liked to show their tits (once I was at a game there beer was cut off mid-second quarter and I got hit upside the head with a banana).  Now if the AFL was still like that I’d probably be a Philadelphia Soul season ticket holder, but they tried to legitimize.

And of course Orlando loves the AFL and considers it a sport.  It’s not a sports city.  Aside from the Magic, a defunct IHL hockey team (the brilliantly named Orlando Solar Bears), Central Florida football, and Double A baseball (if Orlando even still has a team, it was the O-Rays when I lived there), what do they have?  Orlando is a transient city controlled by The Mouse.  Hell, they even consider Frisbee golf a sport, so love for the AFL is not surprising.

My girlfriend wants me to give up my Bulls playoff tickets to go to with her and another couple to the ballet.  She’s been to a bunch games with me and my buddies this season, so I’m leaning toward selling my ticket.  What should I do?

Scott, Chicago, IL

Scott,

Are you f*cking serious?  You need to listen to your friends, who if aren’t pussy-whipped like you, will tell you to ditch the bitch.  Your girl needs to realize the importance of playoff tickets, and that ballet is for fags.  Hell, I’d help someone move or have a root canal then even consider your ballet.  If not, turn in your man card, give up all live sporting events for life and grow a vagina.

The fact you’re even entertaining this make me question your manhood.

The Phillies are going into the season with an historic rotation this season, is this the best of all time?

Tracy, Moorestown, NJ

On paper the Phillies rotation is tremendous and the potential is there to be one of the best of all-time.  Before they are crowned that though they need to produce.  I know a lot of the “experts” compare them to the mid-90’s Braves rotations, since they are considered one of the best, but I disagree.  Until you have four 20-game winners on the same staff like the 1970 Orioles (Jim Palmer, Dave McNally, Mike Cuellar, and Pat Dobson), you’re not the best in my book.  Unfortunately, even with the talent the Phillies have, I never see that happening again.

I think your a jackass you know that cuz?  You talk all kinds of shit and come off like you know what your doing but your a loose douche!  where do you hang out so I can come meet you and teach you a lesson tough guy???

Vince, Philadelphia, PA

Vince,

Wow…  I think I know who this is, and I never knew she was married or married to such an intelligent man such as you.  If it makes you feel better, she came on to me.  But I’ll be happy to decipher your third grade spelling and address your questions.

While Chris is the self-proclaimed jackass at The Riot! and I prefer being called an asshole; I can see how some might think I’m a jackass.  I take that as a compliment.

I do talk all kinds of shit.  But I get my point across, normally with a laugh and toothless dickbags like you read it, so I guess I’m doing my job.  I’m not exactly sure what a “loose douche” is (I’m not big on the cool kid lingo anymore), but if you care to explain it in our next correspondence, I’ll be more than happy to address it.

Where do I hang out?  Do you mean when I’m not at a hotel banging your wife?  You can find me at a South Philly watering home.  Normally Rays Happy Birthday Bar.  Come by, I’ll buy you a drink.

What lesson do you plan on teaching me?  I pray it’s not spelling and grammar.

I notice you mention drinking a lot, what is your favorite drink?

Casey, Lowell, MA

I’m pretty low brow.  You give me a can of Pabst, Natty Bo, or Narragansett (the fine product from your way); I have a smile on my face.  I’m a cheap date.

On a side note Casey, if you are of the female variety, next time I’m in Beantown, I’ll look you up.

The other day I was checking my 15 year old's internet activity and saw he visits your website.  After reading a few articles, I was appalled what I found.  How can you say such garbage on the internet and use such foul language?  You should be ashamed of yourself!  I will be praying for you.

Myra, San Fernando, CA

Thanks for visiting the website Myra!  Even if it was at the expense of snooping on your high school son.    Maybe instead of being upset you should be happy he’s not meeting an “older male friend” at his apartment to drink wine coolers.

 

People like you crack me up.  You see something you don’t like and are instantly offended.  I bet you are the same person who forces your religious and political agenda down other people’s throats (which personally I find offensive).  While I have shame in my life (which I’m sure someone like you on your high horse is perfect and doesn’t), it has nothing to do with my writing.

Save your prayers for someone who wants them lady.  Speaking of prayers, I PRAY your son continues to read The Riot!  Then he might get laid in high school and won’t turn out like you.

If you were a Peanuts character, which Peanuts character would you be?

Lesley, Gainesville, FL

Without a doubt it’s Pigpen.  Who wouldn’t want to walk around surrounded by a cloud of filth?  Only drawback is you’re easily spotted at a masquerade party or if trying to knock off a liquor store.

Are you really an Orioles fan?  This has to be a joke.

Clint, Branson, MO

I’ve rooted for the Orioles since I was a kid.  It’s been a painful process, but I’ve dug in.  Pay attention this season, they’ll be turning heads. 

Little known fact:  Since Buck Showalter took over the team last August; they have the best record in the AL East.

Branson huh?  Give Andy Williams my regards.

What was the last song you listened to?

Jackson, Montclair, NJ

Rock Star by Agnostic Front.  It’s playing as I type this. 

I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you’re having a good idea but it’s just eggs hatching.

Arizona Andy

Andy opted not to not provide where he was from, but I’m guessing Arizona, unless he’s a big fan of iced tea.  This incoherent mess also comes with a link (which I will not support).  Given this genius, I figured the website might be more writing while tripping on acid.  I was wrong.  It was a link to buy Air Jordan’s.  I’m thinking this might have been spam.

Andy, if this isn’t spam, I pretty much only wear old school Vans.  If you can hook me up, drop me a line.

On that note, I think the mailbag is done for now.  Keep the emails coming and I’ll make sure I’ll address them on The Riot!  Shatmeself@yahoo.com.  Don’t be shy!

Quick Takes with a side of Rice

Good Afternoon race fans, and welcome to “Quick Takes.” A few announcements before we begin.  My voice is down for the count for at least 3 months, if not longer.  Apparently my insane ranting at ballparks and sports bars has finally caught up with me, and I have some sort of long term laryngitis.  So, this is the new format I will dominate like I did the old, so welcome aboard. Quick takes will also serve as my tote board for all things that I want to keep track of throughout my existence on this site.  So here’s what we are following:

*Mets are 5-5 after 10 games, not as bad as I thought, but still….they have a $150 million payroll.

*ESPN did training camp and 2011 season projections for the Buccaneers, Chiefs and 49ers this week.  It’s April, and they are locked out. WTF?

*My World Series picks were the Oakland A’s and the Milwaukee Brewers. As of today the A’s are 5 up and 7 down and the Brewers are 5 and 5. Not a great start but when you make such bold picks, sometimes you get burned.  We’ll see.

*Nobody knows who killed Rosie Larsen yet.

*Bonds’ head is turning north, so it looks like smooth sailing for this trip, now on with it.

No Longer a Major Sport

As far as I can see, the NHL has become about as relevant as “The Joy of Painting” reruns on PBS. I mean no disrespect to Bob Ross, may he rest in peace, but he’s not exactly blowing up the Nielsen’s, and neither is the NHL.  Here are signs that your sport has become completely irrelevant. The first thing is when ESPN sportscenter, on the eve of your postseason kicking off, does nearly 10 minutes on the WNBA draft, and barely mentions the NHL.  With the story lines the NHL has, and the fact that the Rangers, the top draw in the NHL, are in the playoffs, you should be able to easily grab some headlines from the WNBA.  I mean, it’s the WNBA.  Now I understand that the WNBA is an ESPN product, but really, 10 minutes to 3 minutes is a very large difference. The 2^nd sign of the apocalypse is if you are buried on NBC once per week on a Sunday morning.  Back in the day, this time slot was reserved for Roller Derby. The only reason I watch these games on Sunday is because I’m on the west coast, and it’s on at 9am.  So I’m finished with it by lunchtime, and I have the rest of my day. And on that note, the NHL “Game of the Weak” on NBC leads you into Bull Riding. BULL RIDING?  If you had any draw at all, they would have you lead into something more relevant, like the Jihadi games from Tehran, or something like that. And the final sign of the end times for you as a league in America is when your playoff games are being televised on a cable channel that only 50% of America can get if they wanted it.  So that means, the most important games in your league, to determine who gets to play for your championship, are being shown to only 50% of the country, and I bet that only a 5% of those people are actually watching. Now in Canada the NHL is thriving.  As a matter of fact, they cancelled a televised government debate for Wednesday night because the Montreal Canadians are opening there first round series with the Boston Bruins.  Hockey is messing with the government in Canada.  Makes you feel good to be an American, doesn’t it? A make-up date for the debate has not been set yet for those of you following the Queen’s government.  However the one thing the NHL, nor anyone else for that matter can compete with is RUSH.  Apparently, the same Canadiens-Bruins series Game 3 is being pushed back a night so RUSH can tear the face off of Montreal’s Molson Centre. You damn right, eh. “Living in the Limelight the universal dream” I’m air drumming right now.

Defending your title

Not to pick on the NHL anymore, but they are quite the easy target these days. The Chicago Blackhawks, the defending Stanley Cup champs, backed into the playoffs yesterday when they lost to the Red Wings, but benefitted from an equally inept Dallas Stars team, who lost with the playoffs on their stick.  So with this in mind, I went back through the annuls of sports history to around 1980 or so, searching for past champions who never even got a chance to defend their title on the biggest stage. In the NHL, it doesn’t happen very often because well almost every team makes the playoffs.  So that list was very short at the 2007 Carolina Hurricanes.  You have to suck on an exceptional level to not make the playoffs in the NHL. 

In the NBA, it’s a similar story; most of the teams make the playoffs every year.  So you have to either be decimated by injuries, suck big time, or have to replace someone as legendary as Michael Jordan, which is exactly the circumstances the 1999 Chicago Bulls found themselves in. So they didn’t make the playoffs after a 6 title in 8 year run, so no one holds it against them. 

In baseball, this happens more often than any other sport. If you go all the way back before the wild card was a factor, this was a yearly occurrence.  Because back then, you had to win your division to make the playoffs.  But even now, only 4 teams per League make the playoffs, so it happens quite a bit.  As a matter of fact it was only 3 years ago that the St. Louis Cardinals after an improbable run in 2006 to a World Series title, failed to reach the postseason the following year.  The 2006 version of the red birds are and probably will always be, the worst MLB champs with an 83-78 regular season record, exactly 12 games worse than there World Series opponent, so when the 2007 squad failed to make the post season, I don’t think anyone was shocked.  Other notables were the 2004 Florida Marlins, 2003 Anaheim Angels and the 2006 Chicago White Sox.

In the NFL, the Super Bowl champ almost always answers the bell, except for one, The Pittsburgh Steelers.  3 times in the illustrious history of this great franchise, the Steelers failed to qualify for postseason play and defend the title they had one the year prior. The last 2 times it was due to career rapist and all around douche bag Ben Roethlisberger and his bag of irresponsible decisions. In 2006, Ben was involved in a Motorcycle crash and the first of his rape accusations came down, and then in 2009, Ben was at it again with the young ones. Man, there are some hot cougars out there, hands off the high school girls bro. The other Steeler team not to answer the bell was in 1980.  Other notables from the NFL were the Super Bowl I & II winners, the Green Bay Packers, and Super Bowl IV winners, the Kansas City Chiefs also failed to make the postseason after winning it all the year prior.

Mason on Steroids

"He's been on this crusade about HGH, but he needs to be on a crusade about getting these owners together and trying to work out a deal. To me, he's a joke, because every time I look, he's talking about performance enhancements instead of talking about trying to figure out a way to make sure football is played in August."

That was Derrick Mason from the Baltimore Ravens, commenting on Roger Goodell’s remarks demanding a drug program in the NFL that includes; testing for HGH in the new Collective Bargaining agreement. Remember, you heard it here first. Derrick Mason is on performance enhancing drugs.  What other conclusion can you draw from this statement made on the “Norris and Davis Show” on 107.5 in Baltimore last week. Anyone who comes out so strongly against something like this is running from someone.  Derrick Mason, a 37 year old WR, stands to lose a lot by sitting out this season, I get that.  I can also see the outrage when you hear the commissioner come out and basically add another issue to an Alp sized mountain of issues that they are already fighting over.  On the other hand, I can also see, if you’re me, how someone who was trying to prolong his career, uhmmm chemically, would be outraged over adding a more stringent drug testing program to the deal of the future. Derrick appeared on ESPN’s First Take as I was writing this, and seemed to back off these statements a little bit, but not totally.  If I were an NFL player, I would not want to mess with Godfather Goodell.  You’re just taking your NFL life into your own hands. But everyone has their mountain to die on; I guess Derrick has chosen his.

Meanwhile, Back in the NHL

I hate to dump on the NHL but my ex-passion is really screwing themselves at every turn.  So I’m watching ESPN First Take on ESPN 2 and the NHL finally gets a segment of roughly 7 to 10 minutes to really preview there upcoming postseason. I guess the segment as a whole was ok, but here was where it got irritating.  I don’t want to tell Barry Melrose that he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, or where to bet his money if he’s inclined to do so, but if you FINALLY get a segment on “The Leader in Worldwide Sports” to discuss your sport, you really need to step it up. Say something bold, something news worthy. His picks were ridiculously predictable. My 8 year old could make Melrose’s picks. First off, he picked the two #1 seeds to face off in the Finals. WOW, that’s a bold one. I bet Barry picked the four #1’s in the NCAA as well. Stop being so scared of being wrong. Nobody cares if you are wrong, especially if you go safe like that. Then when asked for a dark horse, he picks the Anaheim Ducks, a #4 seed.  Stop the presses that would a REAL UPSET, if a 4 wins it all.  Let’s go through the history here Barry.

                *Seven #8 seeds have beaten a #1 seed

                *In 14 seasons only six #1 seeds have won the cup

                *Only once has two #1 seeds played each other for the title

                *5 teams seeded 5^th or higher have made the finals

                *Three 4 seeds and a 5 seed have won the cup

Now I know what some of you are saying “since #1 seeds don’t win that often, it’s kind of a bold pick.” If you think this, you are an NHL apologist. I used to be one of those, it’s a lonely existence. It’s lazy and short sighted.  Barry is not here to be right, he’s here to promote the sport right? Look, if I were an analyst for any sport I would always make the outlandish pick. Why? I, as a fan, never remember the guy who picked the #1 seed or the favorite to win a big game or tourney.  But I do remember the guy who sticks his neck out, and picks Butler to go to the Final Four. Now I know any dick can just pick an 8 seed and get lucky, but if they back it up with an explanation, I’m game. During Barry’s picks his reasons for picking Vancouver and the Caps were “they are the most talented and they’ve been tough all season.” NO SHIT! That’s why they are…..wait for it Barry…..#1! But look at some of the other factors.  The Caps are facing the Rangers in the 1^st round.  Now the Rangers are 3-1 against the Caps this year.  Did Barry say that, no. There are many reasons why any team can win or lose, it’s all about match-ups, and Barry you failed to shine a spotlight on the match-ups.  You failed to shine a spotlight on your league.  I mean what good does it do to discuss Sidney Crosby when he may not even play, and if he does, he may not be any good. He certainly will not be at 100%, so why not spend some time talking about the Sharks, who have quietly put themselves in position to FINALLY win it all.  Or the Red Wings continued dominance of the NHL.  They may not win every year, but the Atlanta Braves of hockey continue to answer the bell.  I hope soon, before it’s too late, the NHL begin to take advantage of the few opportunities it’s afforded. Get rid of Barry Melrose, find someone with some balls like Mick Vikoda or Tie Domi, and have these guys do the analysis.  They may not be the smartest, but God they would be entertaining. BTW, the Phoenix Coyotes and the Buffalo Sabres are going all the way.  BANK IT!

Jose Can-You-Seco

So last week I told you about Jose Canseco’s “Parent Trap” routine and now he’s trying to be legit……apparently.  It was reported today (Tuesday) that Jose Canseco has been hired as the manager of the Yuma Scorpions in the independent league. Jose, who swears that he was blackballed by Major League baseball, will be participating in the sport for the first time since playing for the Laredo Broncos of the United league a few years back. I understand the move, Jose is…….well he’s an accomplished……ok, I don’t get this move other than a publicity stunt to either get more players, or sell more tickets.  Now, any player worth his weight in hypodermics will not play for Jose. He has no legitimate skills.  Let’s take his Home Run ability, steroids. Let’s take his speed and stolen base ability, steroids. How about that fine outfield he used to play?  Well, even steroids couldn’t help that. This was the guy who’s most famous fielding highlight was the ball bouncing off of his head, and over the wall for a homer. Yikes, sign me up.  I wouldn’t even want this guy coaching my 8 year old’s little league squad. Oh get this; his bench coach is none other than his twin brother, Ozzie.  So let’s take this full circle, can you see the scenario playing out where Jose gets tossed from a game, and Ozzie leaves the bench instead of Jose.  That would make Bobby Valentine’s mustache and glasses bit look like a parlor trick.  You’re dealing with pros here. "I think it's exciting for Yuma," league president Kevin Outcalt told Yuma (Ariz.) Sun. "Jose is a very accomplished player, he has a lot of sway in the media and in pop culture, and he's bringing that to the city." Yes, Jose is a very accomplished chemist and pharmacist apparently. And as for that sway in the media? It's us moving back and forth from laughing at Jose at every turn to feeling bad for a guy who could've been one of the best.

And finally…..

Strippers and prostitutes in the Las Vegas area were dealt a terrible blow today when the NBA cancelled its summer league in Vegas for the year. The NBA sighted impending labor strife as its reason for the cancellation.  The NBA owners and players have not met formally since February to try and hammer out a new collective bargaining agreement.  So the NBA has fired the first shot by cancelling the summer league that is hosted by Vegas every year.  But who are the real victims here? The strippers and the pros that make large bank by entertaining the NBA’s young stars and borderline players during these summer sessions.  I guess the pros and strippers will have to wait for Tiger Woods and the PGA tour to blow through Reno in August.

The Top 5

So I've succumbed to my disease.  I am addicted to Top "whatever" lists.  Take any subject, anything and put it into a top 5 or a top 10 format, and I will read it.  So without further ado, here's the first installment of The Sports Riot!'s Top 5 list.

Top 5 Worst Championship Games

Playoffs in all sports usually outshine the regular season.  And it is almost always the case when it’s a winner take all situation for a championship.  Game 7’s are usually the most drama, and the best watch.  But every once in a while, you get a real stinker. Monday’s 63-52 UCONN championship victory over Butler got me to thinking about the worst that I have ever seen, and thus kicking off our weekly Top 5 segment. This year’s championship game definitely cracks the top 15, but not the top 5; we have some real crap in here. 

5) 1985 World Series Game 7 – Royals 11  Cardinals 0

 -One night after being jobbed by first base umpire Don Denkinger, who blew an obvious out call at first base, the cards just didn’t seem to have the heart to continue.  In the bottom of the 9^th of Game 6, Jorge Orta of the Royals hit a routine bouncer up the first base line, rookie Todd Worrell was covering when the flip from Jack Clark was there in plenty of time, beating Jorge Orta by a step and a half.  However, Denkinger called him safe, and the bottom of the 9^th unfolded, resulting in Orta scoring the game winner, and forcing the awful Game 7. Some say Denkinger was subconsciously making up for a bad call at 2^nd base earlier in the game that was nearly as bad, but not quite as timely.

4) Super Bowl XX – Bears 46 Patriots 10

 -This game was over before it started. First off, 1986 was a huge year for me in terms of sports.  There were a lot of first memories for me.  The 1985 World Series was the first time I remember watching a whole series with interest.  The 1986 World Series was when I was galvanized as a Mets fan.  I remember struggling with every pitch with my dad during that epic series.  And this Super Bowl sticks out as well. There were some obvious things, the Super Bowl Shuffle, Jim McMahon’s white headband, and the Fridge pounding in TD’s.  This I believe was the first appearance of the Bud Bowl during the Super Bowl broadcast.  I will need to confirm that, but I remember it.  The most memorable thing about this game though was me, a 9 year old with very little experience or football knowledge, asking my father what those children in the red jerseys were doing on the field with the Bears before the game started.  He told me it was the New England Patriots.  I knew at the tender age of 9 what was about to happen to the old Red, White, and Blue on that day. It was very bad, very bad.

3) 1996 Fiesta Bowl – Nebraska 62  Florida 24

 -Perhaps the last lawful appearance by Lawrence Philips and the last football appearance of Tommie Frazer.  Tommie Frazer had one of the most memorable plays in this game when he took a routine looking option 11 yards, and turned it into a 25 yard gain by carrying half the Gator D on his back. This game over by the half when the Huskers put up 29 points in the 2^nd quarter thus ending any shot Wuerfel and the Gators may have had.

2) 1990 NCAA National Championship Game  UNLV 103  Duke 73

 -Now as bad a night as Butler had on Monday, they only lost by 11. The Coach K led team was decimated by the Runnin’ Rebs and Tark the Shark.  A few notes from this one.  First off, the Rebs were the first and only team to ever to drop 100 points in the championship game.  30 points is the largest margin of victory for a final and it came against an institution like Coach K’s Blue Devils. Let’s also not forget that this was a Laettner/Hurley team, this team was no slouch. The other reason this game is so memorable, and terrible is that it marks Brent Musburger’s long run as the voice of college sports on CBS.  One of the staples of my childhood was Brent Musburger on New Year’s Day, Brent Musburger in the NFL today studio before Sunday’s Giants game. And that memory was extinguished for a little while after this particular game, because the day following this debacle, Brent Musburger was fired by CBS.

1) Super Bowl XXVII Cowboys 52  Bills 17  and Super Bowl XXIV  49ers 55  Broncos 10

 -This one is a toss-up for many reasons.  The niners annihilated the Broncos by 45, whereas the ‘boys only won by 35.  But the Cowboys forced 9 turnovers, which is a SB record.  The niners were up 27-3 at the half, where the Bills were only trailing 28-10. And if you recall, the Bills were a much better team than those Denver teams, or so we thought. So I guess maybe those 7 points could determine whether or not the casual fan is still tuning in.  I’m obviously splitting hairs here, both of these games were embarrassments, and basically over by the half thus making them the most uninteresting, and boring Super Bowls to date.  Unless you’re a Cowboys or a 49ers fan, Ant I know you were glued.

Honorable Mentions – 2009 Ncaa Women’s Champ game UCONN defeated Louisville by 22,

                                  -2006 Ncaa Men’s Champ Game Florida over UCLA by 16, it wasn’t that close

                                -1987 Stanley Cup Final Game 7 Oilers 3 Flyers 1 – I know the score looks close, but the Oilers took the lead early in the 1^st, and out shot the Flyers 25-8 in the final 2 periods.  Flyer goalie Ron Hextall became 1 of 4 players in the 100+ year history of the finals to win the Conn Smythe trophy (Playoff MVP) and lose the series.   

A National Pastime

Bud Selig, and all the powers that be over there at Major League Baseball, need to stop messing around and ruining what was once THEE summer institution in this country. This Opening Week I’ve seen yet another severe lapse in judgment by Major League Baseball to go with a long list of bad moves. Why in the world are we ever playing games in cold weather cities during the 1^st 2 weeks of the season?  There is absolutely no reason for this to happen.  As it stands right now, there are 8 teams in the AL that either play in a warm weather city, or an indoor stadium. In the NL, there are 9. Why is there baseball in Cleveland, NY, Philly, and Boston before April 15^th? There is no need for it. Do you know that they are calling for snow in the northeast this week? Why would you even attempt to play baseball in this weather? Players hate it. Fans going to the stadium hate it. And honestly watching baseball in the sleet, or snow, or freezing- cold is cool for like an inning or 2 and then it’s just shitty baseball.  Look, there is no home field advantage in April, or anything lost by the Yankees being on the road for 10 days early in the season. If anything, it will give those teams a guaranteed 10 game home stand in like August or September, when you really want one. I would be pissed if I was the Phillies and have Roy Halladay get shelled in an early start because he can’t grip the ball in sub-freezing temperatures and a driving sleet storm, you know?  Here’s a baffling fact, the Anaheim Angels play their first 8 games away from home. WTF!? It is forecasted to be between 73 and 90 for the next 10 years in Anaheim, and you take the Angels and put them in other warm weather cities like Tampa.  That’s a waste of space.  There are enough warm weather cities or indoor stadiums to facilitate this request.  It doesn’t sound hard.  Here’s what opening day should look like next year:

AL

Yanks @ Tampa

Red Sox @ Toronto (Indoor)

White Sox @ Texas

Twins @ Anaheim

Cleveland @ Kansas City

Detroit @ Seattle (Indoor retractable)

Baltimore @ Oakland

*And Baltimore is a borderline warm city.  The coldest it’s been there in 2 weeks is 53 degrees.  Way better than the 35 degrees it was at Yankee Stadium on Opening Day.

NL

Phils @ Braves

Mets @ Marlins

Cubs @ Giants (BTW, another outrage, the Gigantes started the season with 6 games in LA and San Diego, WTF?)

Pirates @ San Diego

Reds @ LA Dodgers

Rockies @ Brewers (Indoor)

Nats @ Arizona

Cards @ Astros

Now that was not that hard.  And then for the 2^nd and/or 3^rd series of the year, you can still move these teams along to the other warm places.  By April 15^th or so, the wintery weather is usually relegated to an occasional cold gusty wind, or a chilly rain shower, and not the full out Nor’easter you are more likely to see on April 1^st.  Being a transplanted easterner, I’m very familiar with the shocked feeling you get when the annual end of winter Nor’easter bell is rung, and you get a day and a half’s worth of snow/sleet and freezing rain. Then usually, within a week, you are also shocked when the warmth finally gets here, like it does every April 10^th or so. So let’s stop being shocked that we are playing baseball in the snow on April 2^nd in Cleveland, and move the first 2 weeks of baseball to the warm weather cities across this great land of ours. The quality of baseball will go up, and I would venture to guess that all these early season injuries would go down as well. I would guarantee if the players were polled off the record, they would support this idea, no doubt.  I can’t see any viable reason why this is a bad idea.  And as a trade, you can help out the Texas Rangers, the Houston Astros, the Florida Marlins, the Atlanta Braves and all the other teams that play in cities where the heat is so oppressive, by playing 2 weeks’ worth of games in New York, Philly and Boston where even though it’s hot, it’s not THAT hot.

It seems that Bud Selig is purposefully driving baseball into the ground. That’s the only theory I can come up with. If Major League Baseball isn’t careful, and the NFL, or the NBA, who are both savvy enough, launches any kind of summer league, it’s over for baseball. OVER! It’s things like their inability to see that a salary cap, a few scheduled doubleheaders, and a World Series game or 2 that is guaranteed to end on the same day it began on the east coast, would vastly improve the standing of this remarkable pastime called baseball that any man over the age of 25 holds very dear to their heart. Ask most men over the age of 25 about baseball and they will have a profound memory or 2 about the boys of summer.  Now the game of summer seems to be more about NFL and NBA draft picks, NFL training camps and the countdown to NFL preseason.  You see, Major League Baseball has a very unique opportunity this summer.  The NFL is entrenched in a deep labor dispute that threatens to delay the September start of its season.  Similar story in the NBA as labor strife is brewing on the hardwood.  So you may have only baseball to count on come September.  And if you look at what’s on the horizon, and what is GOOD about the league right now, you can see a resurgence taking place if they will let it.  The Giants with their great pitching and young stars like Buster Posey, Brandon Belt, Tim Lincecum and Brian Wilson. The Phillies and there Brave-like run of dominance in the NL. The Braves rebuilding with tremendous young talent like Jason Heyward and Freddie Freeman. The ever present evil empire of the New York Yankees and there aging stars AROD, Jeter and Mariano, and with the Bonds’ trial so close to being over, maybe the steroid mess will go away for a bit (as I’m writing this, Manny Ramirez just tested positive again, so this may be wishful thinking).So many great stories to talk about, but unfortunately the league will never do what is necessary to make this sport great again.

Like a salary cap. Do you remember when the Royals and the Pirates were GREAT franchises?  It was 20 years ago that the Pirates were on the cusp of being the dominant team of the ‘90’s.  Unfortunately the Reds in ’90, the Braves in ’91 and Francisco Cabrera and his miracle hit to lift the Braves in ’92, shut the door on that Pirate team for the last time. It was nearly 30 years ago now that the Royals were at war with the Yankees on a yearly basis for AL supremacy, and it was 26 years ago that they actually won a World Series.  These teams are nothing more than farm teams for the Yankees, Red Sox, Phillies, Mets, Angels, Dodgers and all the other money teams in the game right now. Look at the Royals. In the past 10 to 15 years, they are responsible as an organization for many World Series contenders.  Johnny Damon, Carlos Beltran, Jermaine Dye, Zach Greinke, Jeff Suppan, and Raul Ibanez are just a few players they’ve had to let go that will or already have impacted other team’s chances for a World Series run.  Why is that? The Yanks, Sox, Phils and others like them have way more money than the Royals or the Pirates.  I get that the Twins are competitive every year, and the Giants won the World Series last year but take a deeper look. The Giants and the Twins spent nearly $100 million last year on players that ranks as 10^th in Major League Baseball. The Pirates were dead last at $32 million while the Royals were in the high $60’s.  Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not blaming the Dodgers and the Yankees and the Red Sox for this.  Hell I’m a fan of the New York Mets who rank 5^th in highest payrolls, and they suck.  These teams are playing by the rules that are put before them, so they should get theirs. I also understand that there are exceptions to the rule like the Padres last year who almost made the playoffs and the Rangers who were in the World Series last year. But those teams are just that, exceptions to the rule. The last exception to the rule that actually won the World Series were the 2003 Florida Marlins.  And that team, like the 1997 Marlins, was basically dismantled the season after it won. Look at the players they couldn’t keep.  Josh Beckett, Ivan Rodriguez, AJ Burnett, Brad Penny, Carl Pavano, Derrick Lee, Mike Lowell, Miguel Cabrera, Juan Encarnacion, and Juan Pierre were all shipped away within 3 years of winning this world series. Most of them immediately. This team had dynasty potential, if there was a salary cap. A lot of those players went on to play integral parts on other World Series winners. It’s long overdue. I’m not mad at the Yankees for spending $200 million on players, it’s the rules I’m mad at.  I have no idea why this continues to happen. Look at what happened to the Rays this offseason.  Their whole team has been looted like a scene out of a worn torn country. The “haves” swooped in from the north and lifted Carl Crawford, Carlos Pena and Jason Bartlett for nothing. 3 of the best players from a team that has competed for a World Series title 2 of the last 3 years, taken because the Rays can’t afford to keep them.  With a salary cap, this couldn’t happen.

Here’s another thing. Why can’t we have 1 scheduled doubleheader, in each park, per month during the season?  Are the owners taking that much of a hit on 5 games? 5 Twi-night doubleheaders per club, per park is not much to ask.  Scratch that, let’s not ask too much. One doubleheader per team, per park. Just one.  Hell, make it one Sunday in May, and one in August, and make an event out of it. It’s not for me necessarily.  Honestly, unless it’s a playoff game, or the Mets, I have a hard time sitting for 9 innings let alone 18.  But as a kid, my favorite ball park memory was going with my dad to a twi-night doubleheader at Shea against the Astros.  First off, I saw Mike Scott and Nolan Ryan pitch that night, and that was sweet.  Not to mention, this was back in ’86, so we all kind of knew that this could be a playoff preview. It was awesome I got to spend a whole day, with my dad at the ballpark.  An added bonus was Game 2 went 16 innings. It was almost a triple header. Another perk that could just happen, you can’t really facilitate this so much, but in ’96 I went with Ant to a Yankee-Oriole doubleheader that wound up settling the division title.  Of course both teams got in due to the Wild Card, but it was still amazing being in Yankee stadium for 18 intense, rivalry filled innings where the teams on the field were determining first place. Another side note, Ant and I nearly got into a brawl with some douche who called a very hot young lady wearing an Oriole hat a See You Next Tuesday.  It was both hilarious, but very uncalled for, so we said something. I digress, scheduled doubleheaders used to happen on a regular basis back in the day.  Now they are like an endangered species, or Yogi Berra, just not there at all.

Lastly, can we please start these playoff and World Series games at a reasonable time?  Look, without younger fans, this sport is going to die.  I’m lucky that I moved out to the west coast.  When I lived in NY, my 10 year old son never watched baseball.  I thought he wasn’t interested.  Maybe it wasn’t his thing? Maybe it was because the games that matter most don’t begin until 8:30pm on the east coast. WTF?  Baseball is supposed be played in the sun.  I say I’m lucky to move out west because due to the time change, and the San Francisco Giants playing in and winning the World Series last year, my boy got to watch every inning, and agonized with every pitch. The reason he got to watch it, because it started at 5:30pm out here.  Perfect time for a kid, to watch a baseball game with his dad, and now he is a rabid Giants fan. You see, I think these smart business types have no soul.  They don’t see us as fans, or kids, or families, they see us as dollars. I’m not a millionaire, nor am I “business savvy.” But I do know what I see.  I see a sport that may see ticket sales go up every year, advertising revenue at a sustainable rate, and TV viewership going down. “So what, we still have the advertising and a game of the week on FOX, so what if the ratings stink.” I also know that if you take a real close look at those stands, they’re filled with men who are 25+ years of age, and not many kids.  At least not nearly as many as there used to be. You see, if you don’t recycle your fans, your sport will die.  I live in a pretty diverse neighborhood out here in the San Francisco Bay Area in age, ethnicity and sex.  There are a lot of boys and girls who hang out and play at my house with my kids.  And I have to say that it is striking to me the lack of baseball gear I see.  There are 2 big time ball clubs out here, the Giants and the A’s.  There was a surge of Giants gear obviously at the end of their championship run last fall, but that seems to have gone and been replaced by 49ers gear.  The 49ers? A team that didn’t make the playoffs. A team that hasn’t had a snap since December? A team that may not see the field for a long time, and this is what I’m seeing on the opening week of the Giants title defense.  This is it!?  Even from a fashion standpoint, black and orange are more agreeable colors than red and gold. But if I look at these kids dads, they have their Giants and A’s paraphernalia on in force. They are watching the games, and going to the park.  Oh the kids will go to the games for sure.  It’s still fun to go to a game, but that’s not where your fandom is built.  See as I said above, one of my favorite memories was going to that doubleheader with my dad, but it wasn’t about the baseball. It was about my dad, the place, the hot dogs and all of that.  Your fandom is galvanized when you follow every pitch, every game, every blissful victory and every bitter defeat.  Watching your team go on the road for 10 games, that’s where your fans come from.  So let’s bring this around, and let’s say you do get some kids to watch these teams in NY. Young, burgeoning, 10 year old Yankee fans follow them all the way to the World Series and they are amped to watch that Game 1 from hallowed Yankee stadium. “Dad, Dad, please can we go?” “ Sure son, after I remortgage the house to be able to afford the tickets, sure, what time is the game?” “It starts at 8:30.”  A little math for you here – 8:37 start time + 3 hours for a normal length game + an extra 1 hour for the playoff drama, commercial timeouts, and other variables + 1 more hour because it’s the Yankees and that’s what they do. 8:37+3:00+1:00+1:00= “1:37am, HELL NO! I HAVE WORK IN THE MORNING, YOU HAVE SCHOOL!” and that’s if there are no long innings, or extras.  Oh by the way, just from experience, your 10 year old isn’t staying up until 1:30 am anyway.  So what is the harm in starting at 7pm?  At the very least, it keeps it on the same day that the game began. And maybe make a Game 2 and 3 be a daytime game.  I just don’t understand why you can’t have a World Series game start at 4pm on a Sunday.  Church is long over, it’s October 20^th or so, so unless you get the freak 75 degree fall day in NY, it’s not gorgeous out.  The sun is beginning to go down anyway, what an awesome time to sit and watch a World Series game with your boy on a Sunday evening.

This won’t happen.  Neither will the salary cap, or the double headers, not until it’s too late.  It seems that baseball has this stubborn approach to change.  They were ok with changing it to the way it is now, but at the risk of possibly admitting fault, they won’t go back to how it was when baseball was the #1 sport in America.  I noticed the other day that the term “National Pastime” doesn’t get thrown around nearly as much as it used to.  The definition of National Pastime is a national sport that you do in your spare time because it’s fun or you are interested in it.  Well, that might explain why it’s not used anymore, no one is interested in it anymore.  I have my final prediction for this baseball season. Major League Baseball has a very unique opportunity this summer to seize the fans love again, and restore itself to its’ rightful place as our “National Pastime” in the traditional sense, but it will fail to do so.  I think I have a new definition for the term “National Pastime.”

Baseball as America’s National Pastime – A sport whose time has passed.

fin

Chris's 2011 Baseball Predictions

Well, it’s about time I weighed in on what I think is going to happen this baseball season.  Let’s do this in the same format Jay did, shall we? Ok, let’s begin.

AL East:  Yanks, Orioles, Red Sox, Blue Jays, D-Rays

AL Central:  Twins, White Sox, Tigers, Royals

AL West:  Rangers, A’s, Mariners, Angels

NL East:  Phillies, Marlins, Bravos, Nationals, Mets

NL Central:  Brewers, Reds, Cardinals, Cubs, Astros, Pirates

NL West:  Giants, Rockies, Dodgers, Padres, D-Bags

AL Wildcard: A’s

NL Wildcard:  Marlins

NL Pennant:  Brewers

AL Pennant:  A’s

World Series Champion:  Milwaukee Brewers

AL MVP:  AROD - Yanks

NL MVP:  Buster Posey - Gigantes

AL Cy Young:  Felix Hernandez (again) - Mariners

NL Cy Young:  RA Dickey (Mets) LONG LIVE THE KNUCKLEBALL!

*In what will arguably be the least watched, but most competitive World Series ever, the Brew Crew will take out the A’s in an epic 7 game series for the ages.  Of course you will have to watch it on ESPN Classic, or one of those Sports Illustrated special DVD sets, because the ratings for this series will get beat by the Stanley Cup Finals in 2011 and the Wheel of Fortune.

*AROD will have an epic season, with his bat, and his cock.  Apparently since getting off the juice, it works again.  Go AROD!

*Barry Bonds is going to get away with lying to a Grand jury, while the evidence is written all over his giant, parade float sized head.  You know when you’re in downtown San Fran, people use Barry’s head as a landmark?

              -“Excuse me sir, can you direct me to Golden Gate park?”

              -“Sure, you head up 5^th and keep going until you hit the wharf.  Then you make a right and go straight until you see Barry Bonds’ head.”

              -“What is Bonds’ head near, just so I don’t miss it.”

              -“Don’t worry, you can’t miss it.” Get the picture……his head is BIG. If you go to Google Earth and type in Barry Bonds’ head, you can see it.  Try it, it’s true.

*The Phillies will not be as good as expected, but they will still win a good NL East. Sorry Jay.

*Jon Sterling, Yankees radio announcer, will get so excited during a home run call this season that he will finally choke Suzyn Waldman out while making the call.  “IT IS HIGH! IT IS FAR! IT IS GONE! AN A-BOMB! (thud is heard from Waldman’s body hitting the floor) FROM AROD! AND THE YANKS TAKE A STUNNING 17 TO 3 LEAD HERE IN THE 4^TH!” WTF is with that guy?  Relax, it’s not game 7 everyday dude.

*Chris Berman will break out a new “Berman-ism” during the Home Run Derby for the first time since 1994, and it will not go well. “And now coming up to the plate, Prince feeled-her up.  What? No Good? BACK,BACK,BACK…….GONE!”

*Continuing with my announcer theme, someone will finally, on the air during a world series game hopefully so everyone is watching, sneak into the FOX broadcast booth and justifiably snap Tim McCarver’s neck while he’s droning on about the height of the fucking in-field grass.  Then after Tim stops twitching, the person who is only practicing his “advanced fandom” <wink wink><knudge knudge> reaches over and grabs the mic out of Joe Buck’s hand and proceeds to make sure that Joe understands that he is not his father.  That he is not even his father’s jock sweat.  That he might be the most overhyped piece of shit announcer ever, and that the only reason this ass-hat has a job is because his last name is Buck. Then he will ……well, you get the point and this gets a little ugly so I will stop there but just remember, these are only predictions….not plans.

*Just a positive note, Bob Uecker, Vin Scully and Jon Miller are awesome.

*As I said, the Mets will lose 100 games, more credibility, and more fans.  It’s tough to be a second class citizen. RA Dickey will threaten 20 wins this year in an odd Mets positive spot this season.  Oh, and Frankie Rodriguez will punch 3 people. Nice glasses Wild Thing.

*The defending World Series Champs, the Gigantes,  will struggle mightily and make a late season push to win a weak NL West, and go to the NLCS.

*Jayson Werth will prove that he isn’t worth dick.  He was very much a product of the Phillies line-up.