Well, it’s about time I weighed in on what I think is going to happen this baseball season. Let’s do this in the same format Jay did, shall we? Ok, let’s begin.AL East: Yanks, Orioles, Red Sox, Blue Jays, D-Rays
AL Central: Twins, White Sox, Tigers, Royals
AL West: Rangers, A’s, Mariners, Angels
NL East: Phillies, Marlins, Bravos, Nationals, Mets
NL Central: Brewers, Reds, Cardinals, Cubs, Astros, Pirates
NL West: Giants, Rockies, Dodgers, Padres, D-Bags
AL Wildcard: A’s
NL Wildcard: Marlins
NL Pennant: Brewers
AL Pennant: A’s
World Series Champion: Milwaukee Brewers
AL MVP: AROD - Yanks
NL MVP: Buster Posey - Gigantes
AL Cy Young: Felix Hernandez (again) - Mariners
NL Cy Young: RA Dickey (Mets) LONG LIVE THE KNUCKLEBALL!
*In what will arguably be the least watched, but most competitive World Series ever, the Brew Crew will take out the A’s in an epic 7 game series for the ages. Of course you will have to watch it on ESPN Classic, or one of those Sports Illustrated special DVD sets, because the ratings for this series will get beat by the Stanley Cup Finals in 2011 and the Wheel of Fortune.
*AROD will have an epic season, with his bat, and his cock. Apparently since getting off the juice, it works again. Go AROD!
*Barry Bonds is going to get away with lying to a Grand jury, while the evidence is written all over his giant, parade float sized head. You know when you’re in downtown San Fran, people use Barry’s head as a landmark?
-“Excuse me sir, can you direct me to Golden Gate park?”
-“Sure, you head up 5th and keep going until you hit the wharf. Then you make a right and go straight until you see Barry Bonds’ head.”
-“What is Bonds’ head near, just so I don’t miss it.”
-“Don’t worry, you can’t miss it.” Get the picture……his head is BIG. If you go to Google Earth and type in Barry Bonds’ head, you can see it. Try it, it’s true.
*The Phillies will not be as good as expected, but they will still win a good NL East. Sorry Jay.
*Jon Sterling, Yankees radio announcer, will get so excited during a home run call this season that he will finally choke Suzyn Waldman out while making the call. “IT IS HIGH! IT IS FAR! IT IS GONE! AN A-BOMB! (thud is heard from Waldman’s body hitting the floor) FROM AROD! AND THE YANKS TAKE A STUNNING 17 TO 3 LEAD HERE IN THE 4TH!” WTF is with that guy? Relax, it’s not game 7 everyday dude.
*Chris Berman will break out a new “Berman-ism” during the Home Run Derby for the first time since 1994, and it will not go well. “And now coming up to the plate, Prince feeled-her up. What? No Good? BACK,BACK,BACK…….GONE!”
*Continuing with my announcer theme, someone will finally, on the air during a world series game hopefully so everyone is watching, sneak into the FOX broadcast booth and justifiably snap Tim McCarver’s neck while he’s droning on about the height of the fucking in-field grass. Then after Tim stops twitching, the person who is only practicing his “advanced fandom” <wink wink><knudge knudge> reaches over and grabs the mic out of Joe Buck’s hand and proceeds to make sure that Joe understands that he is not his father. That he is not even his father’s jock sweat. That he might be the most overhyped piece of shit announcer ever, and that the only reason this ass-hat has a job is because his last name is Buck. Then he will ……well, you get the point and this gets a little ugly so I will stop there but just remember, these are only predictions….not plans.
*Just a positive note, Bob Uecker, Vin Scully and Jon Miller are awesome.
*As I said, the Mets will lose 100 games, more credibility, and more fans. It’s tough to be a second class citizen. RA Dickey will threaten 20 wins this year in an odd Mets positive spot this season. Oh, and Frankie Rodriguez will punch 3 people. Nice glasses Wild Thing.
*The defending World Series Champs, the Gigantes, will struggle mightily and make a late season push to win a weak NL West, and go to the NLCS.
*Jayson Werth will prove that he isn’t worth dick. He was very much a product of the Phillies line-up.
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