Quick Takes from the hard side…..”HARDSIDE!”

Good afternoon folks, and welcome to a special edition of Quick Takes.  You see, I’m not a writer by trade, I’m a talker.  I would usually be doing this on the radio, or in an audio blog format, but week 10 of the “my voice has disappeared and I don’t know why but I’m shitting my pants over it” saga has forced me to write this very bit.  Some of these columns have been very long “quick” takes, and some have been a regular amount.  I think today, we will keep this short and sweet, because its’ springtime, and I have some burgers to grill.

Canseco Wins Again

Just when you think Jose is going to do something fairly, he goes and pulls the wool over our eyes again.   The world’s most intriguing snitch since Henry Hill played what he called “The Parent Trap” in a boxing ring in Miami last weekend, when Jose, who was scheduled to fight Billy Padden, a British fighter with a career record of 1-5-2, sent his twin brother Ozzie to fight for him.  Ozzie, costumed in sunglasses and a t-shirt, was reportedly escorted from the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Miami by police.  The plan would have worked if he could’ve boxed in his shirt.  You see, Jose’s arms are adorned with tats, while Ozzie has not yet taken that plunge. Hey, Jose, the twin thing no longer works when your bro doesn’t have the same tattoos as you, dummy.  You know, this is really no surprise when you take into account that it was only a few months ago that this juiced freak of nature, and mental giant, told all of his 350,000 twitter followers that he was being evicted from his house.  Well, anyone who’s ever read “Juiced” knows Jose is not about pride or integrity, so these tweets are no surprise.

Do you live in a “Wife” or a “Girlfriend” City?

So the Barry Bonds trial began in San Fran last week, and it’s really beginning to heat up.  Yuck, is anyone else bored with this steroid crap.  We know Barry did them, and we know he lied about it.  The fact that in Pittsburgh he looked like a normal human being and then in San Fran a year later he looked like a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day float is irrelevant, the mountain of evidence against him is overwhelming.  But here’s the real story, Bonds’ ex-skank, Kimberly Bell, testified last week.  Oh, not about steroids, or needles, or clear and cream…but girlfriend cities. The most interesting story to come out of all this steroid drek is this little testimony about “wife” cities and “girlfriend” cities. So here’s the deal, apparently ballplayers have deemed certain cities good for their wives or steady girlfriends, and other cities for their side tail. WOW, how did Jose leave this tidbit out? Maybe he’s still doing it?  Ok, so Kim Bell referred to Miami as a girlfriend city, and we all stopped listening, and began to focus on that statement.  What makes a city a girlfriend city, or a wife city? Hmm, anybody? Is it the nightlife? Is it the proximity to the beach?  Is it the easy access to young whores?  WHAT IS IT BARRY? WHAT IS IT!? This is the only interesting question or topic coming out of the Barry Bonds trial, so ESPN…stop it with the updates, nobody cares.  However, we do want to know where to bring our wives and girlfriends.  So here’s the list I’ve compiled as girlfriend cities.

Girlfriend

*Miami - Hot ladies, spring break destination, which means lots of drinking, and it’s almost always hot a sticky.  What a great place to meet a skank. (Sorry Miami)

*LA – Fake breasts, celebs, perfect weather, plus some of the best beaches anywhere.  But beware; this could be a family destination with Disneyland being here as well. (San Diego also applies here)

*NYC –This one is weird.  NYC is so big; you may be able to juggle a doubleheader here.  And what’s better than a doubleheader, right?  It’s the city that never sleeps, so it can’t be topped for nightlife.

So those are the top 3 as I see it, so call your travel agents and get to it gentlemen.

VCU’s Run was unreal, wasn’t it?

Nothing makes me happier than when a selection committee such as the NCAA basketball tournament selection committee was lambasted for its’ selections this year.  Jay Bilas, Dick Vitale and the boys over at ESPN really let them have this year. VCU and UAB, over Virginia Tech and Colorado? VCU and UAB are one and done?  Whoops! As a side note, let me say this, nothing makes me happier than when ESPN analysts, who just spew “fact” all day long get what’s coming to them. When a team like VCU gives a big fat shit sandwich to the experts to swallow, I couldn’t be happier.  Even if it destroyed everyone’s Final Four picks, all the better for me. But here’s the most interesting part of this story, The Riot! has obtained an ultra-exclusive transcript from the selection committee’s final meeting.  Apparently someone was doodling on a pad, and words appeared, and these are those words.

Eugene Smith (Chairman) – So that’s all the bubble teams, I guess we can go home now; I could use a bear claw.  Anyone else up for some Krispy Kreme?

Lynn Hickey (Southland Conference Rep) – Eugene wait?

E.S. – (under his breath) f%^king b@#...., Now what Lynn, we already covered the mid-major thing, ok, ok…more teams next year…..

Lynn – NO! You forgot the last team.

E.S. – Did I?  Damn, I guess I just want me some Krispy Kreme!  Who do we have?

Dan Beebe (Big 12 rep) – Well, we have Colorado.

E.S. – And?

D.B. – Oh no, that’s it!

Ron Wellman (ACC rep) – Hey wait, what about Va Tech.  We had a great year and the Vicks are no longer PR poison.  That’s got to be worth something.

D.B. – yeah, maybe some kibble, that’s about it. Let’s take a look at Colorado.  A great season, plus we have John Elway and we even stole from the SEC, the great Tim Tebow.

R.W. – Great? We’ll see about that.

D.B. – Well, he’s better than the Vicks.

R.W. – yea, what place did the Broncos finish this year again?

D.B. – WE’RE REBUILDING! AT LEAST OUR DOGS AND DAUGHTERS ARE SAFE!

R.W. – HEY THE VICKS ARE ALL WE HAVE, TAKE IT BACK!

D.B. – (mockingly) bow wow, bow wow…..

R.W. – I WILL SHOW YOU BOW WO……

E.S. – ALRIGHT ENOUGH!  Children.  We need to settle this now because I have Bear claws on the brain, and I can’t think about this shit any more.  Any school have a bear claw as there mascot?

Secretary – No Sir, sorry.

 

E.S. – God, that would have been a slam dunk huh? Anyway, who’s left?

Lynn – Colorado, VA Tech, VCU and UAB.

E.S. – Ugh, these teams all suck.  Umm, let’s go with the ones with the longest names.

Lynn – Well, that would be VCU and UAB.

R.W. – That’s only 3 letters each…….(mockingly) southland conference?  Where is that... (sarcastic southern accent) in the south?

Lynn – umm VCU?  Virginia Commonwealth University?  UAB? University of Alabama Birmingham? Really, the Vicks?

R.W. – (growling)

E.S. – Stand down Wellman. It looks like we have our final 2.  VCU and UAB it is.  Now go tell Shaka and the boys the good news.

D.B. – Man, I know you’re black and all, but isn’t that a little racist?

E.S. – That’s his name, Shaka Smart?

R.W. – it sounds like a caveman sentence.

(Silence, and then a doodle that simply says “eat it ESPN”)

Cricket, WTF?

So I was just cruising the internet yesterday, and I came across this staggering statistic.  Do you know that over a BILLION people watched the World Cup Semi Final Cricket match between India and Pakistan the other day?  That is A B-B-B-BILLION! To put that into perspective, 111 million people watched this years’ Super Bowl, and that was a record.  Over a BILLION watched this particular cricket match. So I decided to look into this insect of a sport to see what all the fuss was about.  I have to say that it looks pretty interesting on the surface.  There is pitching and a paddle type bat that you have to use to hit the ball that’s pitched in, but then after that it gets confusing.  There’s all kind of running, and all kinds of ways to score.  So instead of hurting my head trying to figure it out by just simply watching, I turn to the internet to look up some rules.  The internet would have that info right? WRONG!  This was the best I could do.  From Wikipedia:

“The key action takes place in a specially prepared area of the field (generally in the centre) that is called the pitch. A run is scored when the batsman has run the length of the pitch after hitting the ball with his bat, although as explained below there are many ways of scoring runs.  If the batsmen are not attempting to score any more runs, the ball is dead and is returned to the bowler to be bowled again

WTF?  There’s quite a bit more, but that’s as clear as it gets.  It looks cool, but they need FOX to get a hold of this and dumb it down like it does everything else so I can understand it. BTW, India defeated Pakistan 260-231.  I don’t know what it means, but its’ 491 runs.  That’s about what the Yankees will score…..this season.

MLB Fan Cave

In New York City, Major League Baseball has opened something it’s calling a “first of its’ kind, immersive fan experience” that’s called the “Fan Cave.” Mike O’Hara, one of 10,000 applicants, will step into the “Fan Cave” on opening day and not leave until the final out is recorded in the World Series.  Sounds like everyman’s dream right?  Some of it does, but I don’t know if I can watch all that baseball. I’m as big a fan as there is, but outside of 9 innings per day may be a bit much for me.  I mean, unless I’m at the ballpark, or there is a division title on the line, I’m parachuting in on one game of a doubleheader, and staying for the other, you know what I mean? So watching every game, and having it be my job…I’m not sure about that.  Now from what I understand, this place will kind of be a media hub of sorts for MLB.  There will be players in and out of there, fans can visit, and Mike will be conducting interviews and broadcasting from the “Fan Cave” as part of this “job.” So that sounds like it could be cool, but I still can’t get over the amount of ball he needs to watch.  2,430 regular season games? That’s a lot. Especially when you consider that The Royals, Mets, Pirates, Indians and the Astros, just to name a few, account for 162 games each.  That’s a lot of crappy baseball to sit through.  Some of the perks are 15 Sony Bravia TVs at your disposal (3 60” and 12 32” screens), a fully loaded PS3 with the newest MLB “The Show” on it, and I would imagine the food will be awesome.  But with 32 gigantic windows looking in on your life, it could make working out, getting dressed, or getting a release a problem, if you know what I mean. It would be hilarious if fans come around during the dog days, and you just see him swinging from the rafters.  You know, after one too many Royals games. Yikes.

And finally……

I was doing my normal Sunday morning sit in front of my TV and pray that something cool appears before me on my electronic crystal ball routine, and I landed on the NHL game of the week.  It was the Rangers at the Flyers. Now, as I’ve said in the past, hockey used to be my favorite sports to watch and play.  But since my playing days a quite a ways behind me, and my Rangers have been after thoughts for the better part of 10 years, I’ve lost some interest.  My level of attention to the NHL is basically reserved to “well there’s nothing else on, I guess I’ll watch the Sharks and The Stars on a Wednesday night.” A side note, I live in San Jose, and it just always seems that whenever that scenario plays out, and I watch a random Sharks game, it’s either the Stars or the Red Wings they play.  Maybe I’m living some sort of Bill Murray “Groundhog Day” situation?  Who knows? Anyway, I put this game on and the tensions are running high, there was a brawl 70 seconds in and you know how I feel about fighting, playoff positioning in the Flyers case, and playoff lives in the Rangers case, were on the line, and it showed from the opening face-off.  This was the perfect game on a Sunday morning to get me interested in NHL again right?  The fact that the Rangers won in a shootout didn’t hurt my interest level either.  But then, as all things do in my fandom, the inevitable curse takes hold.  The next game, as I’m rooting for my Rangers for the 2^nd time in 10 years, one of their best players, Ryan Callahan, snaps his ankle and will most likely be out for any potential playoff run the Rangers might make. The curse strikes again. You know, I used to think that the teams were cursed.  The Jets, The Mets, and the Rangers have all had their hard times during my lifetime. Very hard times in fact.  The Jets have never won. The Mets won when I was 10, have only been to one World Series since and have had many an excruciating loss since. The Rangers have won once in my life, and haven’t sniffed a cup final since.  So hard times, I’ve seen them. But the more I go through this fandom of mine, I’m beginning to see that it’s me that’s cursed. You know how I know this?  Let’s analyze my fandom shall we.  BTW, a fandom is defined by what teams you live and die for, and those you love to hate.  Almost like a kingdom. So my list goes like this.  The teams I live and die for are the Jets, the Mets, and the Rangers. The teams I love to hate are the Yankees, the Braves, the Phillies, the Patriots, the Dolphins, the Islanders, and the Devils. So let’s really take a look at what my win-loss record is. SCOREBOARD PLEASE : 

Teams I live and die for – 2 championships in my lifetime

   Teams I Love to Hate  - 22 Championships in my lifetime

Now I’m aware that I hate 7 teams, and love only 3, so let’s narrow the field a little. So I’ll pick the teams per sport that I hate the most over the rest. That would be the Yankees, the Patriots and the Devils. That makes the score 13-2, still a mercy rule victory for the hated. It’s hard to be optimistic when the odds are so against you, and the deficit is so large. Unless the Mets, the Jets, or the Rangers go on some Yankee-like run, it’s going to be a very long time before I’m even competitive, let alone threatening a comeback. My best shot at A championship is the Jets. How many times in your life do you think you’ll hear that sentence?