Okay, I know this should have been written prior to Opening Day, but I’m easily distracted by the sins of man (it’s a miracle I got my keeper league off the ground in time for last Tuesday’s draft). Regardless, even though Opening Day(s) have passed it hasn’t influenced any predictions, so deal with it. After thinking long and hard after too many libations, here’s my take:
AL East: Red Sox, Yankees, Orioles, Rays, Blue Jays
AL Central: White Sox, Tigers, Twins, Royals, Indian
AL West: Athletics, Rangers, Angels, Mariners
NL East: Phillies, Braves, Marlins, Nationals, Mets
NL Central: Brewers, Reds, Cardinals, Pirates, Cubs, Astros
NL West: Rockies, Giants, Padres, Dodgers, Diamondbacks
AL Wildcard: Yankees
NL Wildcard: Braves
NL Pennant: Phillies
AL Pennant: Red Sox
World Series Champion: Philadelphia Phillies
AL MVP: Robinson Cano, Yankees
NL MVP: Carlos Gonzalez, Rockies
AL Cy Young: Jon Lester, Red Sox
NL Cy Young: Cliff Lee, Phillies
I know I’ll get called a homer for picking the Phillies, but pitching wins championships, and the Phillies have pitching. Every night a Phillies fan goes to Citizens Bank Park, they are guaranteed to see an ace on the hill. The player on this rotation to watch is Cole Hamels. Now a number four starter, Cole will be seeing very favorable pitching match ups, which will only boost his confidence and let him finally come into his own.
In saying this, the Red Sox are far and beyond the best team in the American League. The Yankees age and rotation scares me, and the White Sox don’t have to lineup or pitching staff to keep up with the Sox from Boston. If there’s a dark horse here, it’s the Athletics. Billy Beane has again built a team with a young solid rotation and an oft-overlooked lineup.
Some other takes:
- Andy Pettite will make a return mid-season and rejoin the Yankees, prompting Suzyn Waldman to have a second overjoyed meltdown on WCBS-AM. Shortly after this meltdown, John Sterling chokes her to death.
- The team that will be the biggest surprise in the league is the Baltimore Orioles. A team with 13 consecutive losing seasons will win 85 games and finish in third place. Owner Peter Angelos, seeing improvements in his franchise, fires Buck Showalter and offers six-year contracts to former fan favorites Albert “Don’t Call Me Joey” Belle, Brady Anderson, and Rafael Palmiero.
- I will drink more beers by April 15th than the Mets will have wins this season. The Mess will lose over 100 games. GM Sandy Alderson will blame this not on bad contracts and lack of talent, but Bernie Madoff.
- Chase Utley will play less than 25 games this season. The fans are okay because Wilson Valdez is batting above the Mendoza Line and female fans think he’s cute.
- Tony LaRussa will not cut his mullet and continue to piss me off by batting the pitcher in the eighth spot.
- Back to the Mets... Due to injuries and underachievement in the starting rotation, the Mets will sign Mr. Met to a contract. He will be the team’s lone All-Star representative and lead the team in wins with 10.
- Not to be outdone, the Phillies, knowing Chase Utley will be out most of the season, sign the Phillie Phanatic to a contract. After two games the Phanatic pulls a hammy and Wilson Valdez returns as starter. An overjoyed Mr. Met gives the Phanatic the finger.
- The Yankees will trade a refurbished Mark Prior to the Reds for Jonny Gomes. Upon being reunited with Dusty Baker, Prior’s arm pulls a Dave Dravecky in his first start, forcing a long overdue retirement.
- Brett Myers will still be an asshole.
- The Royals will have the first annual Bo Jackson Night. If you have an artificial hip, admission in free. Men in convalescent homes and Eddie Van Halen are overjoyed.
- The Mets, out of desperation for offense, convince Mo Vaughn to Come out of retirement. Although he agrees, he never takes the field. Not because of injury or a failed physical, but they couldn’t find a big enough uniform for him.
- The Indians, who are in the basement of the AL Central, offer contracts to Charlie Sheen, Tom Berenger, Wesley Snipes, and Corbin Bernsen. Apparently ownership believes movies are reality.
- Joe Morgan will choke on a hot dog.
- The Mariners announce the dismissal of mascot Mariner Moose. No one cares.
- Charlie Sheen signs with the Indians.
- Upon hearing the lack of respect for Mariner Moose, the Milwaukee Sausages and Washington Presidents go on strike. Still, no one cares.
- Royals and Pirates fans finally have something to smile about. They’re not Mets fans.
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