Baseball's All Time Ugly Team

“Peter Gibbons: What would you do if you had a million dollars? Lawrence: I'll tell you what I'd do, man: two chicks at the same time, man. Peter Gibbons: That's it? If you had a million dollars, you'd do two chicks at the same time? Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up, too; 'cause chicks dig dudes with money. Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks. Lawrence: Well, the type of chicks that'd double up on a dude like me do. Peter Gibbons: Good point.”   

Yes, I watched “Office Space” last night.  I actually probably watch it twice a week and each time, it fuels my hatred for Corporate America.  Anyway, the above scene, which takes place over a beer in Peter’s apartment, inspired me to make a roster of baseball players who found themselves in the same boat as Lawrence.  Fortunately for these players (and unlike Lawrence), they had the money chicks dig.  I pray each member on this 25-man roster used their money to do two chicks at the same time. 

Catcher:  Andy Etchebarren

Based on Andy’s “I have no idea what’s going on” expression, and weathered face, I think it’s pretty safe to say he subscribed to the theory that a catcher’s mask was optional.  Also, based on his gold medal winning uni-brow, I’m willing to place a wager that grooming and hygiene weren’t top priorities either.

First Base:  John Kruk

The ’93 Phillies on their own might make their own case for All-Ugly team. If I had to pick a whole team as an All-Time, All-Ugly team, it would be the ’93 Phils (with the ’86 Mets a damn close second).  Krukker is on the top of that team list.  A greasy permed mullet, a dick-do (that’s when your belly sticks out more than your dick do), and f*ck off facial hair isn’t getting you any player points.  Also, anytime Chris Farley portrays you in a skit on Saturday Night Live and looks better than you, you’ve got problems.

Second Base:  Mickey Morandini

The only saving grace for Mickey in this picture is that anyone standing next to Danny Bonadouche looks like Brad Pitt.  Another  ’93 Phillie, Mickey was against the permed mullet, but dug on the f*ck off facial hair, mainly to detract from his Jay Leno chin, boxers nose, and pock-marked skin.  If it wasn’t for Harry Kalas and how he would say “Mick-ey  Mor-an-din-I”, he probably would have never been a baseball player, instead hanging drywall in Charlotte.

Third Base:  Jorge Cantu

Cantu is no longer allowed to do autograph appearances.  His skin is so scarred from acne, he frightens small children, and that’s no good for team public relations.  It’s a shame the never had ProActiv Solution in Mexico.

Short Stop:  Honus Wagner

Here’s a little-known secret about Wager.  He was nicknamed “The Flying Dutchman” due to his ability to fly with his ears, not for his play on the field.  Also, check the nose.  Is it possible he’s the long lost great grandfather of Gheorghe Muresan?

Outfield:  George Foster

If this picture doesn’t scream serial rapist and janitor, I’m not sure what does…

Outfield:   Willie McGee

Willie resembles the interspecies by-product of a weasel and E.T.  Since Willie’s retirement, he has been mercifully out of the public eye.  Most likely because he’s being probed at Area 51.

Outfield:  Otis Nixon

Pay attention, kids.  If you smoke crack and bang hookers, this is the end result. 

Pitcher:  Randy Johnson

Mammas hide your daughters.  Combine a greasy mullet and skin so bad it makes Seal feel better about himself, with a really sketchy moustache and you have Randy Johnson.  He’s currently at the local Wal-Mart looking to get in your teenage daughter’s pants.

Pitcher:  Tim Lincecum

We all know Tim likes the reefer, but it’s a good thing he can pitch; otherwise he’s got a one-way ticket to Meth Mountain (he already has the teeth for it).  Another thing, I’m 12 years older than Timmy and I abuse my body on a regular basis and I have fewer  creases and wrinkles on my face.  Take care of yourself,  Ace.  Oh and by the way, Jackie Haley claimed that look in the Bad News Bears in 1976.  Be original. 

Pitcher:  Ezequiel Astacio

What the f*ck is on his face?  Seriously, what the f*ck is that?  I pray it’s not contagious.

Pitcher:  Fernando Valenzuela

Fernando is somewhere between a full sized Herve Villechaize (AKA Tattoo) and George Lopez.  The difference is that he weighs more than both of them combined.  I better stop now, though.  I’d hate to feel the wrath of “Fernandomania”.

Pitcher:  Don Mossi

When you have ears bigger than Honus Wagner, and a nose bigger than Jimmy Durante, you better be able to throw a curve ball.

Pitcher:  Steve Trout

I like when people look like what their last names are, and Steve-O is a perfect example of this (I’m also a fan of people who look like their dogs).  I hope he realized that trying to look like the singer of REO Speedwagon in this picture, with wavy hair and glasses, didn’t deter from his fish face.  It made him look like a bigger douche.

Pitcher:  Kent Tekulve

I hate Kent Tekulve.  Not because he was on the ’79 Pirates that after being down three games to one beat the Orioles in the World Series, but because he has no chin.  People with no chin have no souls (along with midgets and gingers).  While he had a decent career as a closer, he’s also the poster boy for why inbreeding is against the law.

Pitcher:  Zane Smith

How much wood could a Zane Smith chuck if a Zane Smith could chuck wood?

Pitcher:  Rod Beck

I was completely unaware that you can take mug shots in your uniform.  I thought the owners of baseball teams would frown on that sort of thing.  The original Kenny Powers looks like he has already polished off a couple fifths of Jim Beam to come down from his four-day coke bender.  R.I.P. Rod Beck.

Pitcher:  Dick Pole

Ok, Dick isn’t exactly an ugly dude.  He sort of resembles a poor man’s John Holmes.  But Dick has an outstanding name, so he made the team.  The only better name in all of sports might be former NBA player Chubby Cox.

On a complete sidebar, notice this is actually an autographed card.  Something tells me the only reason the person got it signed was to watch him write the name “Dick Pole”.  I know I would.

Pitcher:  Julian Tavarez

With all due respect to burn victims, give Julian a striped sweater, fedora, and a glove with razor blades in the fingers and he’ll haunt you in your dreams.

Bench:   Jeffrey Leonard

If I had to put a caption on this photo it would be “Bitch, what you mean I’s ugly.  All the ladies call me penitentiary face.”

Bench:  Ron Karkovice

Karkovice looks like he shaves with a weed whacker (I know it’s hard to see because he’s also a step down from albino).  This is probably where his pocks and scars on his face came from.  If you see this man driving a white van with a box full of candy, please contact the local authorities.

Bench:  Jack Clark

Every time Michael Strahan sees this picture he kills a kitten.  The man who prides himself on not going to an orthodontist as a kid wasn’t the original.  Mike, at least you don’t have a uni-brow.

Bench:  Yogi Berra

All I have to say is, watch Planet of the Apes…  ‘Nuff said..

Bench:  Lenny Dykstra

“Nails” is a fitting name for him.  Aside from looking mildly retarded, with a clump of chew in his jaw, this financial guru  looks like he took a swan dive in a pile of nails.

On a sidebar, another ’93 Phillie.

Bench:  Hideki Matsui

How can we have a team without a representative from the Orient?  I’m not sure what Matsui did earlier in his life but aren’t the Japanese known for their silky smooth skin? Maybe that’s why they call him Godzilla.

Some honorable mentions who didn’t make the cut:

Joel Youngblood, Pete Rose, Alan Trammell, Hubie Brooks, Pete Vuckovich, Early Wynn, Greg Maddux, Jeff Montgomery, Alan Wiggins, Kevin McReynolds, Steve Jeltz, & Gorman Thomas 

Baseball 2011, It's Back!

Birds are chirping, the breeze is warmer and the snow is starting to disappear in most places. This can only mean one thing-- it's time to play ball. I'm not going to get all Norman Rockwell on you and wax poetic about the days of yore, but I do get a certain feeling in the cockles of my heart during this week before opening day.  It's a feeling of hope; a feeling of renewal.  Some people get this feeling on New Year's Eve.  Some get it on their birthdays.  I get it on or around April 1st.  It has been happening since I was a little kid, and it still happens today. Even this year, as I sit here on March 29th, 2011, I have that very sense of hope and renewal.  As you may know, I am a rabid Mets fan, and I live and die with that team-- which is why I've been dead inside since 2007.  But the magor difference between this year and the past ten is that this year, the Mets have NO CHANCE.  None. Fahgheddaboutit. The Citi Field faithful will cheer for approximately 2 weeks before the Phillies' stranglehold begins, the Braves' young lineup and pitching shows one more year of experience, the Marlins' ever-present talent surpasses us again, and even the lowly Nationals' off-season moves prove to best the Metropolitans. I fully expect the Mets to be cellar dwellers by June.  They have ok, but questionable pitching; Santana's health is a huge question mark. Their lineup is spear-headed by a very overrated Jose Reyes, who is now a shell of the offensive threat he once was. A now very overpaid Carlos Beltran hasn't been the same since he stared at strike 3 in Game 7 of the 2007 NLCS. The 150K kid, Ike Davis, is this generations Dave Kingman.  And a host of hasbeens and never-will-bes will guarantee that your 2011 NY Mets, will finish dead last in the NL east, and possibly the NL period. And there is no end in sight.  With financial troubles abound, an owner who is so inept, he found a way to have his team forever linked with Bernie Madoff, and a star closer that's just punching people, this could be a 5 year swoon, not just one rebuilding season.

So you fans in Kansas City, San Diego, Cleveland, and Pittsburgh, you're always saying that the big cities don't know what it's like to feel like you have no chance of winning.  Rest assured, there is a whole fan base in New York City with that very feeling, they just don't know it yet. But Opening day is upon us, and for that I'm thankful.  Because for just one day in the spring, everyone is in first place.
Now that my opening salvo has been shot at my beloved Mets, it's time to get into what the baseball season is really about. For me, it has not always been about the wins and loses, it's about what we did as kids that I hold so dear. Funny things, serious things, and sad stupid things.  Over the next week, and probably for the season, The Riot! will be providing the stories and analysis you won't be reading anywhere else.  Other than my downtrodden view on my NY Metropolitans, there will not be a "season preview" coming your way.  I write that because anyone who knows me, is shocked to hear me say those things. So enjoy, and Play Ball!

An Urgent Message From The Sports Riot! Arena

“……we are live…….from ringsi………at…..t! stadium.  The first matc……….vs. Mike Tyson is just underw……and this rumbling is coming……..nder the ring. It’s head is gigantic.  Foaming at the mouth and just spewing………about no……..included.  Send he……he’s just kil……everybody. Send help righ………..<end transmission>”

This is Chris from The Riot! I am sorry to say that the criminal tourney has been cancelled due to the apparent slaughter of all the participants, destruction of the building, and the sheer ravaging of all of our Doughnuts.  That bastard! That was the final transmission from Phil McCracken at the sight of the tourney.  We have word that Phil made it out alive, but has many anal splinters from being raped in the ass by baseball bats.  We’re also embarrassed to say that we’re not sure whether or not that was a choice or not.  Yikes Phil, get some help.

Descriptions of our perpetrator so far have been very sketchy and scarce.  All we have so far is it’s head is enormous, and it was angry.  Still not even sure if it was human.  It is reported that the level of rage and power this thing showed was almost inhuman. So as details roll in, we will send them along to you, our faithful reader.  We apologize for this development, but when shit goes down, what are you going to do, right?  I mean, who thought something terrible could happen in a room full of burgulars, murderers, rapists, kidnappers and creeps. I mean, we didn’t even pay for the extra security, I guess hindsight is a bitch huh? Anyway, maybe next year we’ll do something a little less dangerous. Maybe a most ferocious animal contest? Wolverines are cuddly once you get past the fangs and shit.

Anyway, I need to go down to the arena, or what’s left of it and see if I can find any body parts.  You never know what kind of money a Mike Tyson arm could get.  Collectors are sick.

Pick Like Me and You Are Sure To Be Broke By The Weekend

It’s tourney time folks, and your all- knowing omniscient sports prognosticator is here for another round of “Pick like me, and you are sure to be broke by the weekend.”

In the past during March Madness, I used to seriously strategize ways to win these brackets.  Every year I would be what you would call a first round world beater.  On average, I would win 30 out of 32 first round games.  I would be in 1^st place, riding high, and ready to roll to a championship win.  Then the 2^nd round would hit, and I would start the steady decline to near the bottom.  Gwen in accounting, who can’t even tell you where Gonzaga is, winds up ahead of me by a large margin.  I asked her one day how she comes to her picks.  She gave me some bullshit about which school or region had the hottest guys.  I wasn’t buying it.  She was an insider.  No doubt.  But I took this new approach into my next tourney and sure enough, random things work.  I went for the hottest guy angle.  3^rd place, best finish ever.  It was a Laettner year. Ever since, I’ve always chosen something to base my picks on that wasn’t sports based at all.  From jerseys to cities, to hair styles and best diners.  This year, I’m going with an obvious one, but I never really tried it.  I don’t know why.  Maybe it was too obvious.  Well, here we go; I will win this tourney based on mascots.  Which team’s mythical creature can kick everyone else’s ass?  So without further ado, it’s bracket time.

2011 NCAA Tournament East Region

1 Ohio State Buckeyes

16 Texas SA Roadrunners

*Now this should be a slam-dunk right?  A 1 seed vs. a 16 seed.  The 16 seed has never, EVER won.  Well, it’s not happening here either.  Roadrunners are fast, but stupid little birds.  So they may be able to run, but when up against a Buckeye, it doesn’t stand a chance.  You see, there are many definitions for what a “Buckeye” is. In this case, I think the “Buckeye” in Ohio State stands for an Ohioan.  A guy from Ohio.  Not a tree or a type of bird, but a greezy, fat, 12 sandwich eating, Midwestern Ohio man.  Big thick beard, flannel shirt, and work boots. You know, the kind of guy who wears his Carhart coat in June.  Ohio, you know. Anyway, you dip a roadrunner in gravy, and that fucker is gone.  Take the Buckeyes.

8 George Mason Patriots

9 Villanova Wildcats

*As a typical 8-9 matchup would be, this is a tough call.  A wildcat is self-explanatory to a degree.  It’s a cat that’s wild.  But how big is it? Is it a tiger or a lion? Those are big. Or is it an Ocelot, or just your run of the mill alley cat? Those would be considerably smaller. More difficult to gauge would be the word “Patriot.” Being a “Patriot” is a state of mind. And does that make you tough.  A child could be patriotic.  So when you take these 2 things at their lowest form, an alley cat vs. a 7 year old patriot, I think the 7 year old patriot comes out the winner.  He may be all scratched up, and whining, but instinct will kick in, and the cat will go down.  Take George Mason.

5 West Virginia Volunteers

12 Clemson Tigers

*Finally a slam dunks. In the great tradition of 12 seeds knocking off 5 seeds, take the Tigers over the Volunteers.  Because even though volunteering is an honorable thing, a hungry tiger doesn’t give a shit about you honor.  Honor tastes awesome, so West VA is going down.  Take Clemson in the upset.

4 Kentucky Wildcats

13 Princeton Tigers

*Well, here’s where my method hits a snag. A tiger is a wildcat.  So should I pick Princeton for being more specific?  What kind of cat is Kentucky’s wildcat. When I was dealing with Villanova, I broke it down to its lowest form.  So should I look at it as a wild alley cat vs. a baby tiger cub?  First off, that’s just adorable, isn’t it?  Second, it will always comes up tiger in this case.  I have to go with Princeton in this one.

2 North Carolina Tar Heels

15 LIU Pioneers

*OK, it’s getting very interesting here in the East Region.  We have the people of North Carolina, Tar Heels, vs. Pioneers.  Now throughout history Pioneers have always been considered tough and smart, and the first ones to do a lot of things. The People of North Carolina? Ehhh, not really sure about that. I guess the early settlers of NC were Pioneers.  So maybe I will judge this one by numbers.  There have been way more North Carolinians than Pioneers. So I think the Tar Heels may just overwhelm our best, and our brightest Pioneers.  Go with NC.

7 Washington Huskies

10 Georgia Bulldogs

*Ahh, a battle Michael Vick can really sink his teeth into.  Just remember Mike, you can’t be within 1,000ft of a dog fight, even if it’s Mascots. It’s the law. Now to the matchup, this one is actually pretty easy.  Bulldogs are pretty tough, but they are small and dumpy.  Whereas Huskies are just that, HUSKY.  Washington is the pick.

3 Syracuse Orange

14 Indiana State Sycamore

*This might be the most ridiculous match-up yet.  You have a color vs. a tree.  WTF?  First off, why did Syracuse change from the Orangemen to just Orange.  It’s like being the Montana Air.  How do you get behind a color? IDK, in this mythical battle of dumbness, I guess you can’t defeat a color.  Especially if you are a tree. Go ‘cuse.

6 Xavier Musketeers

11 Marquette Golden Eagles

*Now we’re talking.  Golden Eagles are badass.  Have you ever seen one in person? Being in California for the past 3 years, I have seen some bird’s man.  And the Golden Eagle is a huge, majestic, beautiful, vicious bird.  This thing could rip an adults head off without question.  Unfortunately, they can’t defeat a gun.  Even a Musket.  A musket is like an old school, revolutionary war type gun.  Even so, I believe a gun takes out a bird, but it may take a few shots. Xavier wins this one.

2011 NCAA Tournament West Region

1 Duke Blue Devils

16 Hampton Pirates

*Ok, so here’s my issue with this one. Devils, or the idea of devils are scary and evil. Pirates these days have become fun and evil. I would take scary and evil to defeat fun and evil any day. Although Pirates know how to party.  Go on the “Pirates of the Caribbean” ride at Disney, it’s a wholesome good time. Duke.

8 Michigan Wolverines

9 Tennessee Volunteers

*I hate to keep picking on the volunteers because we need good people to willing help out with stuff for no pay.  However, a volunteer vs. a wolverine in a closed room, it’s ugly. That dude is volunteering to be lunch for the day.  Michigan wins.

5 Arizona Wildcats

12 Memphis Tigers

*First off, the 3^rd wildcat and the 2^nd tiger in this tourney; let’s get some new names can we? I mean, there are Pumas, Ocelots, Cougars, Lions, Cheetahs, Lynx, Leopards, Jaguars, and bobcats….oh my.  Stop with the Wildcats and Tigers. Anyway same principal applies here, Tigers kick generic wildcats ass any day. Memphis is my pick.

4 Texas Longhorns

13 Oakland Golden Grizzlies

*A longhorn, otherwise known as a Bull, may actually be able to take on a grizzly. Originally I thought, very few animals can take on a Grizzly bear, but a Bull…..maybe. Think about it, speed, strength, and it would only take one kill shot with a horn to impale a grizzly bear. I feel like the bull wins this one more often than not. Texas.

2 SDSU Aztecs

15 No Colorado Bears

*The Aztecs were a crafty bunch back in the day.  As one of the earth’s first societies, the Aztecs were among the first to build things and create a society structure that endures today. Bears are just Bears.  And I’m willing to bet, that the Aztecs hunted bears because my God, one Bear will feed a ton of people.  SDSU wins this one.

7 Temple Owls

10 Penn State Nittany Lions

*Owls are smart and wise and awesome looking, but they are less then awesome when it comes to fighting a Lion.  Penn State is the obvious pick here.

3 UCONN Huskies

14 Bucknell Bison

*Although a Bison is huge, and not very fast, I would imagine that a huskie may have a difficult time bringing one down alone.  So let’s make a more specific prediction, the Huskies win a tight one. UCONN.

6 Cincinnati Bearcat

11 Missouri Tigers

*Boy tigers are hard to beat. Especially for generic wildcats and little tree hugging Bearcats.  Sorry to say it, but another Bengal is moving on. MIZZOU.

2011 NCAA Tournament Southwest Region

1 Kansas Jayhawks

16 Boston Terriers

*A Jayhawk isn’t real.  It’s a symbol of the struggles Kansas settlers endured in the early years of the state. A terrier is a really, little, fruity dog.  There is no winner here.  It’s a huge plight vs. a fruity dog. Go with Kansas and win one.

8 UNLV Runnin' Rebels

9 Illinois Illini

*Indians vs. Rebels.  A classic tale. American to its core. Who won the battle historically?  Well, how many American Indians do you see kicking around the states these days? ‘nuff said.  UNLV.

5 Vanderbilt Commodores

12 Richmond Spiders

*Well, this one is interesting.  I can’t help but think of Lionel Ritchie and the song “Brickhouse” when I hear the word “Commodores.” And even though the commodores were a group of tall, platform shoe wearing black guys.  I think spiders are scarier in this instance.  You take black widows and tarantulas, and then some of those just flat out creepy fuckers you find in your house.  Richmond wins.

4 Louisville Cardinals

13 Moorehead State Eagles

*2 birds, going at it in a dog fight. Birds in a dog fight? Whatever. Not really a dog fight, more like a bloodbath. Eagles destroy Cardinals. Moorehead State.

2 Notre Dame Fighting Irish

15 Akron Zips

*Irish win…period.  What in thee hell is a Zip?  You lose just for having a stupid ass name.  The zips? At least there not the Wildcats.

7 Texas A&M Aggies

10 Florida State Seminoles

*The title of Aggie refers to someone attending an agricultural school.  I’m sorry, but this makes you queer.  A Seminole is a badass Indian with a spear and shit.  What do you have, a hoe and a rake?  Florida State wins.

3 Purdue Boilermakers

14 Saint Peter’s Peacocks

*This is easy.  Peacocks are beautiful, majestic birds who strut their stuff when they are wooing the opposite sex.  A lot like “The Situation” lifting his shirt to show his abs. What a dick.  Just a side note, what do you call a female peacock, a peac**t? Fill in the blanks and figure it out. Anyway, unfortunately, a peacock is just as effective in a fight as “The Situation,” not very. Not to mention, a boilermaker is like a steel welder.  Those guys are sick. Purdue wins.

6 Georgetown Hoyas

11 VCU Rams

*Oh boy. Unfortunately, the Hoyas have come up against an actual thing.  You see, Hoyas is from a term.  It was something Georgetown fans used to chant back in the day when the Hoyas were called “The Stonewalls.”  Many students took Greek and Latin and started yelling “Hoya Saxa,” which apparently means something. So this name stuck, and now I’ve wasted yours and my own time on this explanation.  Rams win, because they are a real thing. VCU

2011 NCAA Tournament Southeast Region

1 Pittsburgh Panthers

16 UNC ASH Bulldogs

*Finally, a different cat, and I like this cat.  A panther shreds a bulldog. PITT.

8 Butler Bulldogs

9 Old Dominion Big Blue

*Another bulldog? Do I need to start listing dogs now? These teams, starting next year, need to be more original. Anyway, how do you defeat a color?  I had the orange earlier and now not just the blue, the BIG BLUE. Go ODU.

5 Kansas State Wildcats

12 Utah State Aggies

*Well, it’s another Wildcat.  But this time they will win, because as I said before. Aggies=queer. ‘nuff said.  KSTATE.

4 Wisconsin Badgers

13 Belmont Bruins

*A bruin is a bear.  Unfortunately for the 4^th seeded Badgers, they are just a snack for a bear. BELMONT

2 Florida Gators

15 UCSB Gauchos

*A gaucho is a person from South America essentially.  And even though people are generally smarter than Gators, put them both in a small room and who do you think wins.  I bet on the Gator every time.

7 UCLA Bruins

10 Michigan State Spartans

*Even though I think bears are badass, Spartans are more badass.  Did you see 300? Rent it, and then talk to me. Michigan State wins.

3 BYU Cougars

14 Wofford terriers

*Well, we went through this before, Terriers are fruity little dogs.  A cougar is either a 40 year old tramp, or a big fucking cat.  In this case, it’s a big fucking cat.  And big fucking cats eat little fruity dogs. BYU.

6 St. John’s Red Storm

11 Gonzaga Bulldogs

*Yet another bulldog, which is frustrating.  When thinking about this, I began to think about what a Red Storm might look like.  Shit, that would be scary. St John’s.

Well, that’s it.  Good luck on your brackets.