Baseball's All Time Ugly Team

“Peter Gibbons: What would you do if you had a million dollars? Lawrence: I'll tell you what I'd do, man: two chicks at the same time, man. Peter Gibbons: That's it? If you had a million dollars, you'd do two chicks at the same time? Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up, too; 'cause chicks dig dudes with money. Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks. Lawrence: Well, the type of chicks that'd double up on a dude like me do. Peter Gibbons: Good point.”   

Yes, I watched “Office Space” last night.  I actually probably watch it twice a week and each time, it fuels my hatred for Corporate America.  Anyway, the above scene, which takes place over a beer in Peter’s apartment, inspired me to make a roster of baseball players who found themselves in the same boat as Lawrence.  Fortunately for these players (and unlike Lawrence), they had the money chicks dig.  I pray each member on this 25-man roster used their money to do two chicks at the same time. 

Catcher:  Andy Etchebarren

Based on Andy’s “I have no idea what’s going on” expression, and weathered face, I think it’s pretty safe to say he subscribed to the theory that a catcher’s mask was optional.  Also, based on his gold medal winning uni-brow, I’m willing to place a wager that grooming and hygiene weren’t top priorities either.

First Base:  John Kruk

The ’93 Phillies on their own might make their own case for All-Ugly team. If I had to pick a whole team as an All-Time, All-Ugly team, it would be the ’93 Phils (with the ’86 Mets a damn close second).  Krukker is on the top of that team list.  A greasy permed mullet, a dick-do (that’s when your belly sticks out more than your dick do), and f*ck off facial hair isn’t getting you any player points.  Also, anytime Chris Farley portrays you in a skit on Saturday Night Live and looks better than you, you’ve got problems.

Second Base:  Mickey Morandini

The only saving grace for Mickey in this picture is that anyone standing next to Danny Bonadouche looks like Brad Pitt.  Another  ’93 Phillie, Mickey was against the permed mullet, but dug on the f*ck off facial hair, mainly to detract from his Jay Leno chin, boxers nose, and pock-marked skin.  If it wasn’t for Harry Kalas and how he would say “Mick-ey  Mor-an-din-I”, he probably would have never been a baseball player, instead hanging drywall in Charlotte.

Third Base:  Jorge Cantu

Cantu is no longer allowed to do autograph appearances.  His skin is so scarred from acne, he frightens small children, and that’s no good for team public relations.  It’s a shame the never had ProActiv Solution in Mexico.

Short Stop:  Honus Wagner

Here’s a little-known secret about Wager.  He was nicknamed “The Flying Dutchman” due to his ability to fly with his ears, not for his play on the field.  Also, check the nose.  Is it possible he’s the long lost great grandfather of Gheorghe Muresan?

Outfield:  George Foster

If this picture doesn’t scream serial rapist and janitor, I’m not sure what does…

Outfield:   Willie McGee

Willie resembles the interspecies by-product of a weasel and E.T.  Since Willie’s retirement, he has been mercifully out of the public eye.  Most likely because he’s being probed at Area 51.

Outfield:  Otis Nixon

Pay attention, kids.  If you smoke crack and bang hookers, this is the end result. 

Pitcher:  Randy Johnson

Mammas hide your daughters.  Combine a greasy mullet and skin so bad it makes Seal feel better about himself, with a really sketchy moustache and you have Randy Johnson.  He’s currently at the local Wal-Mart looking to get in your teenage daughter’s pants.

Pitcher:  Tim Lincecum

We all know Tim likes the reefer, but it’s a good thing he can pitch; otherwise he’s got a one-way ticket to Meth Mountain (he already has the teeth for it).  Another thing, I’m 12 years older than Timmy and I abuse my body on a regular basis and I have fewer  creases and wrinkles on my face.  Take care of yourself,  Ace.  Oh and by the way, Jackie Haley claimed that look in the Bad News Bears in 1976.  Be original. 

Pitcher:  Ezequiel Astacio

What the f*ck is on his face?  Seriously, what the f*ck is that?  I pray it’s not contagious.

Pitcher:  Fernando Valenzuela

Fernando is somewhere between a full sized Herve Villechaize (AKA Tattoo) and George Lopez.  The difference is that he weighs more than both of them combined.  I better stop now, though.  I’d hate to feel the wrath of “Fernandomania”.

Pitcher:  Don Mossi

When you have ears bigger than Honus Wagner, and a nose bigger than Jimmy Durante, you better be able to throw a curve ball.

Pitcher:  Steve Trout

I like when people look like what their last names are, and Steve-O is a perfect example of this (I’m also a fan of people who look like their dogs).  I hope he realized that trying to look like the singer of REO Speedwagon in this picture, with wavy hair and glasses, didn’t deter from his fish face.  It made him look like a bigger douche.

Pitcher:  Kent Tekulve

I hate Kent Tekulve.  Not because he was on the ’79 Pirates that after being down three games to one beat the Orioles in the World Series, but because he has no chin.  People with no chin have no souls (along with midgets and gingers).  While he had a decent career as a closer, he’s also the poster boy for why inbreeding is against the law.

Pitcher:  Zane Smith

How much wood could a Zane Smith chuck if a Zane Smith could chuck wood?

Pitcher:  Rod Beck

I was completely unaware that you can take mug shots in your uniform.  I thought the owners of baseball teams would frown on that sort of thing.  The original Kenny Powers looks like he has already polished off a couple fifths of Jim Beam to come down from his four-day coke bender.  R.I.P. Rod Beck.

Pitcher:  Dick Pole

Ok, Dick isn’t exactly an ugly dude.  He sort of resembles a poor man’s John Holmes.  But Dick has an outstanding name, so he made the team.  The only better name in all of sports might be former NBA player Chubby Cox.

On a complete sidebar, notice this is actually an autographed card.  Something tells me the only reason the person got it signed was to watch him write the name “Dick Pole”.  I know I would.

Pitcher:  Julian Tavarez

With all due respect to burn victims, give Julian a striped sweater, fedora, and a glove with razor blades in the fingers and he’ll haunt you in your dreams.

Bench:   Jeffrey Leonard

If I had to put a caption on this photo it would be “Bitch, what you mean I’s ugly.  All the ladies call me penitentiary face.”

Bench:  Ron Karkovice

Karkovice looks like he shaves with a weed whacker (I know it’s hard to see because he’s also a step down from albino).  This is probably where his pocks and scars on his face came from.  If you see this man driving a white van with a box full of candy, please contact the local authorities.

Bench:  Jack Clark

Every time Michael Strahan sees this picture he kills a kitten.  The man who prides himself on not going to an orthodontist as a kid wasn’t the original.  Mike, at least you don’t have a uni-brow.

Bench:  Yogi Berra

All I have to say is, watch Planet of the Apes…  ‘Nuff said..

Bench:  Lenny Dykstra

“Nails” is a fitting name for him.  Aside from looking mildly retarded, with a clump of chew in his jaw, this financial guru  looks like he took a swan dive in a pile of nails.

On a sidebar, another ’93 Phillie.

Bench:  Hideki Matsui

How can we have a team without a representative from the Orient?  I’m not sure what Matsui did earlier in his life but aren’t the Japanese known for their silky smooth skin? Maybe that’s why they call him Godzilla.

Some honorable mentions who didn’t make the cut:

Joel Youngblood, Pete Rose, Alan Trammell, Hubie Brooks, Pete Vuckovich, Early Wynn, Greg Maddux, Jeff Montgomery, Alan Wiggins, Kevin McReynolds, Steve Jeltz, & Gorman Thomas