“……we are live…….from ringsi………at…..t! stadium. The first matc……….vs. Mike Tyson is just underw……and this rumbling is coming……..nder the ring. It’s head is gigantic. Foaming at the mouth and just spewing………about no……..included. Send he……he’s just kil……everybody. Send help righ………..<end transmission>”
This is Chris from The Riot! I am sorry to say that the criminal tourney has been cancelled due to the apparent slaughter of all the participants, destruction of the building, and the sheer ravaging of all of our Doughnuts. That bastard! That was the final transmission from Phil McCracken at the sight of the tourney. We have word that Phil made it out alive, but has many anal splinters from being raped in the ass by baseball bats. We’re also embarrassed to say that we’re not sure whether or not that was a choice or not. Yikes Phil, get some help.
Descriptions of our perpetrator so far have been very sketchy and scarce. All we have so far is it’s head is enormous, and it was angry. Still not even sure if it was human. It is reported that the level of rage and power this thing showed was almost inhuman. So as details roll in, we will send them along to you, our faithful reader. We apologize for this development, but when shit goes down, what are you going to do, right? I mean, who thought something terrible could happen in a room full of burgulars, murderers, rapists, kidnappers and creeps. I mean, we didn’t even pay for the extra security, I guess hindsight is a bitch huh? Anyway, maybe next year we’ll do something a little less dangerous. Maybe a most ferocious animal contest? Wolverines are cuddly once you get past the fangs and shit.
Anyway, I need to go down to the arena, or what’s left of it and see if I can find any body parts. You never know what kind of money a Mike Tyson arm could get. Collectors are sick.
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