Here at The Riot! the readers sometimes have questions, comments, or just basically need life advice. Well that’s where I come in. Readers have been emailing me at shatmeself@yahoo.com, with these quandaries, and it would be plain disrespectful if I didn’t give these people a little love. I normally do this with my favorite bartender (my own personal Ann Landers, f*ck Dear Abby), but not everyone is me. So sport fans, I’ll play the role of bartender. Let’s check the email:
I know you are a Phillies and a big Flyers fan. What do you think our chances are in the playoffs?
Ben, Philadelphia, PA
Ben,
I’ve soured on the Flyers down the stretch. They’ve played real lazy hockey, and have had care free attitude since clinching a playoff spot. Playoff hockey is about momentum, and the Flyers have none of that right now. Initially I thought they are a one and done, but I like the match up better with the Sabres in the first round more than being matched up with the Rangers.
Keys are Pronger returning to anchor the defense, and Leino and Richards need to step up and show some consistency. One bright spot is we won’t have to worry about a shootout in the playoffs, where the Flyers are god awful.
What’s your beef with the AFL? It’s huge here in Orlando.
Kyle, Altamonte Springs, FL
I lived in Orlando for a majority of the 90’s, so I’m well aware of the love the Predators get in O-Town. Shit, back then I’ve been to some games myself. In saying that, the reason my buddies and I would go there on a Friday night, wasn’t for the “sport” of arena football, but it was a place to pre-game before we got shitty in Downtown Orlando. It was a party and all of a sudden a pickup football game broke out. There were no kids there, the crowd was rowdy, and girls liked to show their tits (once I was at a game there beer was cut off mid-second quarter and I got hit upside the head with a banana). Now if the AFL was still like that I’d probably be a Philadelphia Soul season ticket holder, but they tried to legitimize.
And of course Orlando loves the AFL and considers it a sport. It’s not a sports city. Aside from the Magic, a defunct IHL hockey team (the brilliantly named Orlando Solar Bears), Central Florida football, and Double A baseball (if Orlando even still has a team, it was the O-Rays when I lived there), what do they have? Orlando is a transient city controlled by The Mouse. Hell, they even consider Frisbee golf a sport, so love for the AFL is not surprising.
My girlfriend wants me to give up my Bulls playoff tickets to go to with her and another couple to the ballet. She’s been to a bunch games with me and my buddies this season, so I’m leaning toward selling my ticket. What should I do?
Scott, Chicago, IL
Scott,
Are you f*cking serious? You need to listen to your friends, who if aren’t pussy-whipped like you, will tell you to ditch the bitch. Your girl needs to realize the importance of playoff tickets, and that ballet is for fags. Hell, I’d help someone move or have a root canal then even consider your ballet. If not, turn in your man card, give up all live sporting events for life and grow a vagina.
The fact you’re even entertaining this make me question your manhood.
The Phillies are going into the season with an historic rotation this season, is this the best of all time?
Tracy, Moorestown, NJ
On paper the Phillies rotation is tremendous and the potential is there to be one of the best of all-time. Before they are crowned that though they need to produce. I know a lot of the “experts” compare them to the mid-90’s Braves rotations, since they are considered one of the best, but I disagree. Until you have four 20-game winners on the same staff like the 1970 Orioles (Jim Palmer, Dave McNally, Mike Cuellar, and Pat Dobson), you’re not the best in my book. Unfortunately, even with the talent the Phillies have, I never see that happening again.
I think your a jackass you know that cuz? You talk all kinds of shit and come off like you know what your doing but your a loose douche! where do you hang out so I can come meet you and teach you a lesson tough guy???
Vince, Philadelphia, PA
Vince,
Wow… I think I know who this is, and I never knew she was married or married to such an intelligent man such as you. If it makes you feel better, she came on to me. But I’ll be happy to decipher your third grade spelling and address your questions.
While Chris is the self-proclaimed jackass at The Riot! and I prefer being called an asshole; I can see how some might think I’m a jackass. I take that as a compliment.
I do talk all kinds of shit. But I get my point across, normally with a laugh and toothless dickbags like you read it, so I guess I’m doing my job. I’m not exactly sure what a “loose douche” is (I’m not big on the cool kid lingo anymore), but if you care to explain it in our next correspondence, I’ll be more than happy to address it.
Where do I hang out? Do you mean when I’m not at a hotel banging your wife? You can find me at a South Philly watering home. Normally Rays Happy Birthday Bar. Come by, I’ll buy you a drink.
What lesson do you plan on teaching me? I pray it’s not spelling and grammar.
I notice you mention drinking a lot, what is your favorite drink?
Casey, Lowell, MA
I’m pretty low brow. You give me a can of Pabst, Natty Bo, or Narragansett (the fine product from your way); I have a smile on my face. I’m a cheap date.
On a side note Casey, if you are of the female variety, next time I’m in Beantown, I’ll look you up.
The other day I was checking my 15 year old's internet activity and saw he visits your website. After reading a few articles, I was appalled what I found. How can you say such garbage on the internet and use such foul language? You should be ashamed of yourself! I will be praying for you.
Myra, San Fernando, CA
Thanks for visiting the website Myra! Even if it was at the expense of snooping on your high school son. Maybe instead of being upset you should be happy he’s not meeting an “older male friend” at his apartment to drink wine coolers.
People like you crack me up. You see something you don’t like and are instantly offended. I bet you are the same person who forces your religious and political agenda down other people’s throats (which personally I find offensive). While I have shame in my life (which I’m sure someone like you on your high horse is perfect and doesn’t), it has nothing to do with my writing.
Save your prayers for someone who wants them lady. Speaking of prayers, I PRAY your son continues to read The Riot! Then he might get laid in high school and won’t turn out like you.
If you were a Peanuts character, which Peanuts character would you be?
Lesley, Gainesville, FL
Without a doubt it’s Pigpen. Who wouldn’t want to walk around surrounded by a cloud of filth? Only drawback is you’re easily spotted at a masquerade party or if trying to knock off a liquor store.
Are you really an Orioles fan? This has to be a joke.
Clint, Branson, MO
I’ve rooted for the Orioles since I was a kid. It’s been a painful process, but I’ve dug in. Pay attention this season, they’ll be turning heads.
Little known fact: Since Buck Showalter took over the team last August; they have the best record in the AL East.
Branson huh? Give Andy Williams my regards.
What was the last song you listened to?
Jackson, Montclair, NJ
Rock Star by Agnostic Front. It’s playing as I type this.
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you’re having a good idea but it’s just eggs hatching.
Arizona Andy
Andy opted not to not provide where he was from, but I’m guessing Arizona, unless he’s a big fan of iced tea. This incoherent mess also comes with a link (which I will not support). Given this genius, I figured the website might be more writing while tripping on acid. I was wrong. It was a link to buy Air Jordan’s. I’m thinking this might have been spam.
Andy, if this isn’t spam, I pretty much only wear old school Vans. If you can hook me up, drop me a line.
On that note, I think the mailbag is done for now. Keep the emails coming and I’ll make sure I’ll address them on The Riot! Shatmeself@yahoo.com. Don’t be shy!
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