More Comedy...Live From Quebec (A Follow Up)

A couple weeks ago I wrote an article about French Nationalists in the Canadian Province of Quebec calling for protests against the Montreal Canadiens and Molson Beer over the hiring of interim coach Randy Cunneyworth because he didn’t speak French (he was also always the skinny guy in the JCHL.  Only Chris will get that reference, but I don’t care).  I felt when looking at what is going on in the world, protesting a coach who doesn’t speak French is small potatoes.  In fact I went on to say that I found it to be racist and compared Mouvement Quebec francais (the French Quebec Movement for you ignorant Anglophones who can’t read French), to the Ku Klux Klan. After I heard that the MQf planned to stage a formal protest at the Bell Centre on January 7^th because of the hiring of Cunneyworth and his lack of lingualism, I got enraged.  I wanted to write a follow up piece blasting these jack holes.  This type of Nationalistic bullshit wouldn’t fly here in the States and since it’s not really news in the States, I was going to make sure at least the Rioters! Were aware of this ignorance.

Then I took a step back…

With myself being an American, I’m ignorant when it comes to the politics of Canada and specifically Quebec.  Without a little research, I’d just look like another American asshole.  So I decided to reach out to some contacts I have in the great country of Canada.  While they helped me and gave me a little local insight, nothing helped me more than reading MQf’s website (thank god for Google Translate because the only French this Anglophone knows he learned from Pink Panther cartoons).  I must say it changed my life because it makes so much sense.

       -           Their main platform is not to have French be one official language but the ONLY official   language in the Province of Quebec, even though French isn’t the common language in Quebec (Vive le French!). 

-          Although less than 50% of the citizens of Montreal are French, and less than 80% in the entire province of Quebec, there should be no government “over-funding” (which is probably a Loonie in their eyes), for Anglophone schools or hospitals in Montreal (when less than half of your citizens speak French, it makes total sense).

-          All workers have the right to work solely in French even if their dealings are outside of Quebec with people who don’t speak French (that’s going to make outside businesses go out of their way to work with companies in Quebec).

-          For Quebecers not to feel guilty for being French (and here I thought it was only Jews who were self-loathing).

Then it all made sense to me, and made me proud to be French (even though I’m not French).  The French have always been known as pussies so it’s good to see them finally stand up for something (especially an important cause such as this). 

I think they should take it a step further.  Screw a protest.  What is waving Quebec flags and holding signs going to do?  These Anglo’s occupying your province can’t read French (hell, they just want to watch the Canadiens shit the bed for 60 minutes).  What you should do is push them the hell out!  If you see an Anglophone, beat him silly.  He deserves it for not having enough respect to speak French.  If you see an Anglophone’s house, set it on fire.  Eventually they’ll start to get the picture and if they’re smart, they’ll start eyeballing the American border or Ontario (if they know what’s good for them).  If that doesn’t work, it’s time to take it to take it to a new level; form a militia. 

We all know militant groups have a high rate of success, so here’s my plan: 

Start in Montreal and greet a person on the street in French.  Should they not reply in French, beat them, and then stick them in a van.  Then drive the van to a designated POW camp.  At said camp, these Anglophone bastards will be taught French.  Should they refuse, send them to Saskatewan or even worse, Mississippi (I’m sure the American Government will stand behind this if the price is right).  If history has taught us something, putting people in camps always ends well.  Sometimes if you believe enough in a cause you need to go to extremes, and I think this will definitely get the MQf’s point across.

After 37 years I’ve finally found something I can stand behind.  I’m so amped up I want to beat an Anglophone myself.  As of December 30, 2011 I am officially a member of Mouvement Quebec francais (I hope they mail me a card just so I can use the phrase “card carrying member”).  Although an Anglophone myself, I think I’ll be accepted into this organization (to my MQf brother’s out there, my user name is “Nordiques74”).  I’m making arrangements to attend the protest in Montreal.  I’ll be the guy dressed like a mime welding a baguette and a bottle of wine.  You Anglophone f*cks better watch out!
This has me so inspired I’m starting my own movement.  As a left-handed person, I feel discriminated against so, I’m going to start a movement against right-handed people In the United States.  While 89% of American Citizens are rightiphones, it’s about damn time us leftiphones can drink a cup of coffee in the morning and be able to read how Garfield the Cat hates mornings, loves lasagna, or how I’m a #1 Grandma. 
Who wants to join my cause?  Hit me up at thesportsriot@yahoo.com.  If you really stand behind me you’ll follow me on Twitter @TheSportsRiot.  Viva la Leftiphone!