Dear Cincinnati,
I hope your Christmas was all it’s cracked up to be. Mine was fantastic, thanks for asking. The reason I’m writing you is because of the articles I’ve read this morning concerning the people of Cincinnati and their beloved Bengals. After reading these articles it’s been brought to my attention that this Sunday’s season finale might not be sold out. Are you guys kidding me? For the third time in the last 21 years you actually have a watchable product, and a victory this week over the Ravens guarantees you a playoff spot, and there are tickets available to the game? Wait, what? How many? Half the stadium not even sold yet? Yeah ‘Natti, there actually might be post season football in the Queen City for a change, but judging by your ticket sales you don’t care.
I expect this type of garbage from those clowns in Atlanta. Their fans are terrible and don’t know what Fandom is (forget Advanced Fandom), but you guys are better than that. This will go down in history as badly as when the Braves couldn’t sell out Game 1 of the World Series in ’99. You all should be embarrassed and ashamed that you’re coming up on the biggest Bengals game of the season (and most seasons before this one), and the team is forced to beg fans to show up. The Bengals management has resorted to a TWO for ONE sale on tickets. ARE YOU F’N KIDDING ME!? This is a playoff game as much as next week’s game will be if you win Cinci, and management had to pull the “blue light” special out to get you hacks to come to the game? GET IT TOGETHER! If this were to happen here in Philadelphia the tickets would be gone in seconds (but that would never happen in Philadelphia because people love the Eagles, even when they suck, and tickets are almost impossible to get unless you want to spend more than double face value). Come on ‘Natti, you’re better than that. At least you should be.
So as much as I hate to do this, I’m putting you all on notice. You need to get off your asses and buy tickets for this game and root the Bengals to victory. I know money’s tight right after Christmas, but if you did the right thing to begin with and bought someone you love a pair of Bengals tickets for Sunday’s game the Bengals wouldn’t be begging for people to show up. So now you need to borrow from a friend or hit up the pawn shop and hock something so you can get tickets. That stadium needs to be filled to capacity and it better be loud, because let’s be honest, who the hell knows when you’ll have another chance to see the Bengals in a playoff hunt. Another thing is, and more importantly, you need to make sure this shit never happens again. As fans you should be embarrassed. This keeps up, you’ll be in the same league as Atlanta as the shittiest sports fans around. I know you guys are better than that so I expect this situation to be resolved ASAP.
Oh, and what’s with the “Who Dey” slogan you guys came up with? It’s a blatant rip-off of that “Who Dat?” shit they say in New Orleans and it’s stupid. Get some originality.
I want to take a quick second to also address those with the Bengals Organization. I’m sorry you have been forced to beg your fans to attend the game. Because I know what Advanced Fandom is and this type of behavior from your fans is something I can’t get into and will never be able to stand behind, that’s why I’m calling them out. In saying all this I have a bone to pick with you guys as well.
In your pleas to the Bengals fans in the Greater Cincinnati area, please explain the thought process in choosing Pacman Jones to be the Official Beggar of the Bengals. Why would you let Pacman approve ANY message? Look, I understand that you guys like to keep up with the Cowboys and are always in competition with who can sign the most convicts, but Pacman??? Aside from Albert Haynesworth he might be the biggest piece of shit in the NFL. If Pacman was at the top of the list, I wonder where Andy Dalton finished. Sure he’s a ginger, which might scare off some people, but at least he doesn’t have a rap sheet as thick as a phone book. Think about the kids Bengals execs. Personally I don’t think athletes should be considered role models but if my kid was looking up to Pacman, I’d consider putting him up for adoption to avoid any future headaches. So even though the Bengals fans should know better, I’m still holding you guys responsible for terrible, terrible marketing.
Okay Cincinnati, you guys fumbled big time, but it’s not too late to make amends. Go out, buy tickets, and make me proud.
Sincerely,
Jay Platt
The Sports Riot!
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