Sports or No Sport Parts Unknown

It’s been a while since I’ve taken a look at what sports actually are indeed sports and those that aren’t.  So long I forgot how many I’ve done (I could probably check but that inherent lazy-thing kicked in), so this edition comes from the same place former WWF wrestler the Missing Link comes from…..unknown.

Wrestling – I’m not talking about the WWE here.  We all know it’s fake and any dude over the age of 15 who watches that trash on a regular basis probably doesn’t get laid (you normally don’t see a dude with a John Cena tee shirt with a group of good looking ladies around him).  I’m talking about Greco-Roman style wrestling.  You know that shit you see in the Olympics and what overly jocked-out guys in high school were into.

In saying all that, it is 100% NOT a sport.  Personally I find it to be extremely homo-erotic.  Think about it, two dudes wearing skin-tight singlets essentially in a 69 (one of them is biting a pillow)?  That’s not a sport, it borderlines on sodomy.  If Greco-Roman wrestling is a sport, foreplay is as well because that’s all it really is.

Competitive Facial Hair Growing – This has been a new “sport” in recent days, and guess what, it’s not remotely a sport.  Dirty hipsters sporting flannel shirts, trucker hats, and big beards isn’t a sport.  It’s what you see at happy hour in most bars in Williamsburg or South Philadelphia.

While it might be a contest, growing a big moustache or beard doesn’t involve any athletics (with the possible exception of giving moustache rides), there’s a good chance you’re a douche.

(SIDEBAR:  I might be a little biased here since I’m pretty much hairless, and it takes me over a month to have some assemblance of a beard, so I can’t compete in any of these reindeer games.  Even if I had the ability to grow a beard though it still wouldn’t be a sport.)

Figure Skating – There’s good and bad when it comes to figure skating.  The good is hot Eastern European girls scantily dressed prancing around a hockey rink for five minutes.  The bad is Eastern European and Canadian dudes dressed like Liberace prancing around a hockey rink for five minutes.

Now where I come from, dudes dressed like Liberace prancing around a hockey rink for five minutes aren’t participating in a sport, they’re trolling for ass.   I’ll go as far as saying that figure skaters are athletes (hell, my fat ass can’t do it), and they do get points for the hot chick factor, but I can’t get over the whole Liberace nonsense to approve this as a sport.

Bocce – This is absolutely a sport.  It’s such a sport that I can play it on my iPhone whenever I want, and I do.  The closest thing on the planet to horseshoes (which is also a sport), has actually started to sprout up in Brooklyn where bars will have indoor bocce courts and leagues (what goes better with a can of lukewarm Pabst than bocce?).

While it’s not the same as the traditional bocce (in which the players are normally old Italian guys wearing plaid shorts, knee-high brown socks, and sandals, all while smoking cheap cigars), it’s good to see Italy’s sport getting love among the drinking community in Brooklyn.

If you’ve never played bocce, you should get off your ass and give it a try.  That shit will change your life.

Rodeo – I was originally on the fence about rodeo.  Sure it takes ability to rope a hog or ride one angry-ass bronco, but it’s more of a game of skill and you’re relying on an animal to do a lot of the work.  Animals aren’t athletes, they’re just an accessory.

Then I thought about it more and once I factored in that the south prison rodeos are kind of a big deal, it got my blessing as a sport.

There’s an asterix when it comes to rodeo though.  Being a rodeo clown is not part of the sport.  Rodeo clowns are suicidal morons.  While the typical athlete isn’t going to be in MENSA any time soon, you have to take life to whole new level of stupidity to be a rodeo clown.

Dog Racing – It’s not a sport, let’s just get that out of the way right now.  It’s an activity for degenerate gamblers to piss away their rent money before their wives find out they got paid.  I’ll go as far as saying that dog racing is so white trash, degenerate card players and guys at the OTB betting on the ponies frown upon the garbage at a dog track.

The only thing trashier than the actual piece of shit that bets on dog racing, are the trashbags who actually own the dogs that are racing.  I’m far from being a member of PETA, but those assholes really abuse the greyhounds that are used to race.  To make matters worse, once the dog is past their prime, they’re discarded like a used cigarette butt.

Adopt a greyhound; I hear they’re nice dogs.

Weight Lifting – Just because you take so many steroids and supplements that you can lift 700 pounds doesn’t make you an athlete or part of a sport.  It makes you a meathead with the personality of a dishtowel and an IQ to go along with it.  If I’m at a magazine shop, I’ll normally look at the covers of weightlifting magazines.  I find it funny looking at these puffed up jerkoffs with veins sticking out of every part of their body are trying to be a “men”.

Ladies, if you encounter one of these juiceheads expect not to be happy in the bedroom; all that juice shrinks their junk away.

Oh and don’t even get me started on female bodybuilders.  That’s just gross.  There’s nothing remotely attractive about a chick with no fun bags that can beat me at arm wrestling.

Kickball – God damn do I love me some kickball.  The sport we all loved as a kid has made a comeback with adults and kickball leagues are where it’s at.  What makes kickball great is that it barely takes a ton of talent, so any asshole can play it, even with a buzz.

There’s also another benefit.  Since you can get a runner out by throwing the ball at them, it’s a great way to get rid of some aggression by hitting some dipshit who’s pissed you off in the past in the back of the head (oops).

Cardboard Tube Fighting – I didn’t know people actually considered this a sport and frankly you shouldn’t because it’s stupid.  Basically you make shields out of cardboard and use the inner tube from wrapping paper as a sword.  Now while I probably participated in something like this when I was 8 or 9, if you’re doing this shit as an adult you should be ashamed of yourself (even the wrestling assholes with the John Cena tee shirts are pulling in more trim than you).

I’m guessing dudes who participate in this sort of “hobby” (and I use that term very loosely because cardboard tube fighting is really lame), collect comic books, play Dungeons and Dragons, attend Star Trek conventions and renaissance fairs, and live in their parents basement.  If you’re an adult and you’re cardboard dueling you need to think long and hard about where you went wrong in life.

What are your thoughts?  Can you convince me that cardboard dueling is actually a sport (along with convincing me that you have pride and self-esteem), or that bocce isn’t?  Let me know.  Hit me up at shatmeself@yahoo.com.  There still is that Twitter thing we do and I’m going to keep hammering all of you until you follow us.  You’ll get updates from TSR! and some of our stupid shenanigans @TheSportsRiot.