February 16, 2011
Dear Albie,
Do you mind if I call you Albie? Since I see you on TV all the time, I feel like we’re almost friends, so 'Mr. Pujols' seems a bit formal. You can call me Jay. Um… Actually, call me Mr. Platt. Although you read my work, you don’t see me on TV every day, so I don’t exactly feel comfortable with you using such loose terms when referring to me. Once we know each other a little better, we can revisit this.
Now that we’ve gotten the formalities out of the way…
I know as you're asking yourself, “Jay from ‘The Sports Riot!’ writing me? He’s a busy guy, with his writing, his beer, and his women. How does he have the time?”
While I do have more going on than sitting in the Florida sun with a bunch of dudes, snapping towels in a locker room, and playing a child’s game, I wanted to take a minute to put the ladies and sauce aside, and give you a little pep talk.
It’s a real shitty thing what the Cardinals did to you and I’m sorry for that. They essentially gave the best player in baseball the middle finger over a few million dollars. You’re probably feeling like Latrell Spreewell right now. I know you have kids to feed. It’s inexcusable what they did, and you and I both know it will come back to bite them in the ass.
Let’s look on the bright side. Who wants to play for a manager in his 60’s, who still sports a quazi-mullet? If it wasn’t for the moustache, I’d get him and Dennis Eckersley confused. Besides, aside from the country’s highest crime rate and the scene in National Lampoon’s Vacation where the Griswolds got lost, what good has come out of St. Louis? It’s a crime-filled sewer that is still second rate to Kansas City in terms of barbeque (and head to head World Series play).
Here’s the good news, Albie. Jay, I mean Mr. Platt, has the perfect destination for you. A little gem tucked away between Philadelphia and Washington. That’s right, Albie: Baltimore.
The Charm City itself is where you could become a household name. The birthplace of Babe Ruth and the home of Albie Pujth (we might have to alter your last name). Tell me that’s not peanut butter and jelly right there.
Let me point out just a few non-baseball perks of the greatness of Baltimore:
- It’s close to the motherland. Just a 3 hour plane flight and you’re on the beaches of Santo Domingo drinking a pina colada.
- Its home of The Wire. I’ve done my research, Albie; I know it’s the only reason you subscribed to HBO.
- Crab cakes. Need I say more?
- It’s John Waters' favorite city. Don’t be shy, I know you’re a big movie buff, and word around the campfire is that Cecil B. Demented is one of your favorite flicks.
- They have a water taxi! That’s right. For a few pennies you can stumble out of the Inner Harbor and wind up in Fells Point. That’s where the ladies are Albie.
Now, let’s look at the historic tradition of your future franchise:
- While the Orioles over the past 13 years haven’t continued the Oriole Way, this is a new time for the Birds. Bucky Showalter has these kids playing for their jobs. He’ll do the same for you and it’ll only make you a better person, both on and off the field. After Buck took the helm in Baltimore, the Orioles went 34-23. That was the best record in the AL East over that time span.
- Look at some of the names in their lineup: Brian Roberts, Mark Reynolds, Nick Markakis, Adam Jones, Derek Lee (well obviously he’ll be gone considering you’ll be at first base), Luke Scott. I’m just naming a few, and while they are not the biggest names in baseball, they are a young, talented bunch. They work hard on the field every day and just need the right leader to set the tone for the new Orioles Way. That would be you, Albie. You’re the Field General that's lacking in Charm City.
- I know the lack of household names might be a bit concerning, but you’ll never have to look over your shoulder for snakes like Matt Holladay or Lance Berkman. You don’t play your cards right, you might end up like Nancy Kerrigan, if you know what I’m saying.
- The Orioles have a young and very talented pitching staff. Jeremy Guthrie was second on the team in losses with 14, but his 3.83 ERA led the rotation. The Orioles lacked offense last year (Hell, Ty Wiggington was the Orioles' “big bat” in 2010 with his 22 home runs and 76 RBI’s. We both know you can do that one-handed). Brian Matusz won 10 games as a rookie. He’s only going to get better and although he struggled with injuries, Brad Bergesen finished strong with 8 wins of his own. Let's not forget Justin Dushscherer is primed for comeback. After 3 injury-plagued years, he’s due for a Cy Young-type performance.
- The bullpen is deep, anchored by Kevin Gregg, Mike Williams, Koji Uehara, and Alfredo Simon (pending his legal charges in the motherland, as he’s still in a Dominican Republic jail). With names like that, you know a lead is safe. If not, I know you’ll come up in the clutch and send the other team packing.
- Also, you get to tell the Yankees and Red Sox to stick it for summers. The Yankees are getting older by the minute (Jeter, Posada, Rivera), and A-Rod hasn’t been the same since he tainted his numbers. The Red Sox still are trying to buy a championship, but the AL East will be going through Baltimore once you’re on the field.
There are some perks here, buddy. The world would be your oyster, or should I say crab cake (get my little joke?), in the Charm City.
Oh, I almost forgot the best part. It’ll give us a chance to hang out! How cool would that be? You can send a limo, or maybe even helicopter to me, and we can spend the weekends bro’ing down. You could hook me up in a suite for a game, then after we could grab a nice dinner, have a couple cervezas, and scope out some fine Baltimorean tail. Occasionally I’ll even surprise you. I’ll take the bus down, and I’ll check into my hotel (I always stay under the name “John Leggo”, mainly to keep the scags away). I’ll head to the box office, where I know I’ll have tickets always waiting for me, and during the game I’ll send you a text. Something like “guess who’s in town???” Then we can tear the city up!
Hell, if you’re ever in town for an interleague game in Philly, you can crash on my couch (I’m sure it’ll be cool with my roommate), and we can grab cheese steaks at Pat's. This is exciting stuff, Albie. I hope you’re excited as I am about this. You can play for a quality baseball team and hang out with your good buddy Mr. Platt (well, maybe Jay by then; we’ll have to discuss that). I’m getting douche chills just thinking about it.
I hate to cut this short, but I have to run. I have a very busy schedule and I must tend to it. I look forward to your reply (I’ll be checking my mail daily, or hit me up on Skype).
Sincerely,
Mr. Platt
P.S. – Please tell Mr. Theriot that all here at “The Riot!” are huge fans and send our regards.
P.S.S – I’ll send that autographed headshot to you later in the week. Would you rather I send it to the spring complex or to your home address (if it’s your home address, please provide)? Either way is fine I just want to make sure you get it.
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