In pondering this week’s a-hole of the week, I was distracted by a guy on the train. Middle aged, balding, and wearing a suit, this guy was starting his morning off right, watching porn on his iPhone. I immediately thought he could be the a-hole of the week, but considering he wasn’t remotely athletic, and no one knew who he was it would lack relevance. Then I thought, watching porn on a public train, is a pretty bold move, so maybe he’s actually the hero of the week.
So I decided to pour myself a cocktail, put on a Hot Water Music record (Fuel For The Hate Game, if you must know), and ponder it a little more. It didn’t take too long to think of a-holes, but then I realized, who isn’t a bigger a-hole then the great Albert Haynesworth.
This overpriced chucklehead, who’s out of shape and has the intelligence of a bucket of Crisco, managed to get himself in legal trouble not once, but twice in 48 hours.
On Sunday, Haynesworth was formally charged with assault after a road rage incident. Apparently the dipshit was driving in his pickup truck where he came upon a car in front of him that wasn’t going fast enough for his liking. Instead of passing the car, Haynesworth thought it would be smarter to ride the guy’s ass for a couple miles. The driver in front obviously didn’t like this, so after hand gestures were exchanged, both parties pulled over, and Haynesworth assaulted the man. Of course Albert agent maintains his innocence (even though Haynesworth’s agent, Chad Speck is a slime ball, and even he knows his meal ticket is an a-hole).
But Fat Albert wasn’t finished, and was determined to continue his quest to be the biggest scumbag in DC.
Reports are that a waitress for the W Hotel in Washington DC is accusing Haynesworth of sexual assault. According to the police report, Haynesworth was at the hotel knocking back a couple of cocktails Sunday night (most likely celebrating his assault charge), when he asked for his tab. Upon receiving said tab, Haynesworth wanted to pay with his credit card. The waitress in question had her hands full and said she would be right back for it. Now while most people would be understanding of this, Al wasn’t down. He asked if he could put the card in the pocket of her blouse (he is an important Washington figure after all). The waitress obliged, but instead of Haynesworth simply putting the card in her pocket, he had to go all creepy on her and cop a feel of her boob (maybe in-lieu of a tip?).
I know athletes and celebrities get more perks then the average fella, but the last time I touched a tit when paying a tab, I was as a low end strip club in suburban Atlanta, and I still left feeling dirty.
I’d like to think Al is better than that, but in reality he’s not. Given his history with his on and off the field antics, he’s clearly an a-hole. If there’s one redeeming fact about him it’s that he makes Redskins owner Dan Snyder look like a bigger jackass for actually giving this ass clown a contract.
I flaw both victims in one respect. Had they dressed like quarterbacks there would be not legal issues. Any average football fan knows if there’s one thing he can’t do well is getting to the quarterback.
Jay
No comments:
Post a Comment