A couple months ago I wrote an article about what I felt were some of the best names in all of sports. I got some feedback. Some people got the joke and laughed their asses off, some people decided to break my balls over it; letting me know what an immature asshole I am (which isn’t far from the truth), and others simply didn’t get it (those guys are the real assholes).
Then a couple weeks ago I did a Top 5 on the best moustaches in all of sports in honor of Movember. That piece was an overwhelming win (how could it not have been?), and it prompted a debate with some friends of who they felt should have made the cut and who I forgot.
Well to make a short story as long-winded as possible, the other day I’m sitting at the bar and these debates came up yet again. Everyone has an opinion, which is what makes sports great, and is what The Sports Riot! aims to do. A couple buddies kept pounding me (in a non-jailhouse sense), about one player who should have made both lists. Who you ask (if you didn’t pick it up by the title of this disaster)? None other than Dickie Thon.
After thinking about it, they were right. How could I overlook Dickie Thon (this is what happens when you drink too much)?
Born Richard William Thon, he chose not to go by Dick, but Dickie (I knew a dude high school who used to wear a dickie. If he wasn’t such a dork I would have felt bad for him, because dickies are weak). It takes a rare breed to intentionally go by Dickie (aside from Thon, the only Dickie’s I can think of is former major leaguer Dickie Noles and Mighty Mighty Bosstones singer Dickie Barrett). Although his name isn’t as bad ass as a Dick Pole or a Dick Trickle, it still warranted consideration.
He also did sport a serious moustache; similar to the “John Holmes” that Keith Hernandez and Don Mattingly celebrated in the 80’s. After thinking about it further Thon might have had a leg up on Hernandez and Mattingly because he was a middle infielder (although Thon didn’t have the hookers and blow Hernandez had). It was a known rule that shortstops didn’t sport a moustache in the 80’s (the lone exception might have been Dale Berra, but everyone knows he couldn’t carry Thon’s jockstrap, so he really doesn’t count).
Thon also garners more merit for both of these honors because he’s the only Hispanic baseball player, that a) doesn’t look like he has a lick of Puerto Rican in him and b) having the most un-Hispanic name in all of sports (believe it or not Thon was inducted into the Hispanic Heritage Baseball Hall of Fame in 2003).
So Rioters!, this Dickie’s for you…
Thon broke into the league like gangbusters for the California Angels in 1979 batting .339 in 35 games, immediately becoming their top organizational prospect. Unfortunately for Thon, the Angels were holding him back. Instead of using the up and coming blue chip, the brain trust in Anaheim used the tandem of Burt Campaneris and Freddie Patek at shortstop (they had a combine age of 74). Finally in 1981 the Angels did the right thing, trading Dickie to the Houston Astros for pitcher Ken Forsch.
Once getting a full opportunity in 1982, Thon tore the ass out of the league batting .276 with a league-leading ten triples. It was only the beginning for Dickie. In 1983 he batted a career-high .286 with 20 home runs and 79 RBI’s. It was the first of what should have been many All-Star appearances.
At the end of the 1983 season, Thon was on top of the world. Screw Cal Ripken, Ozzie Smith, and Ivan Dejesus, they couldn’t hold a candle to Thon, who was quickly becoming a household name (studies show that in 1983 1 in 89 children born in Houston were named “Dickie” and 1 in 276 were named “Thon”).
Thon’s 15-minutes of fame came to a grinding halt on April 8, 1984.
Facing the New York Mets, Thon caught a fastball in the face from washed-up pitcher Mike Torrez breaking his orbital bone around his left eye. Thon missed the remainder of the 1984 season as well as a majority of the 1985 season dealing with depth perception issues.
(SIDEBAR: Torrez has always maintained that the pitch that caught Thon in the melon was accidental and it was simply a brush back pitch because Thon was crowding the plate. Torrez’s story behind closed doors was much different. He intentionally hit Thon in the head because he openly hated shortstops. He was never able to get over giving up a three-run home run to Bucky Dent in 1978 which ended the Red Sox pennant hopes. Rioters!, these are the type of stories you won’t find in Wikipedia.)
After the accident Thon’s hopes of being a Hall of Famer were squashed. He kicked around with the Astros for a few more seasons, but was a disappointment. After being released by the Astros, the was signed by the Padres where he was a halfway decent platoon player before getting a second chance with the Phillies.
In 1988 the Phillies were garbage finishing 65-96. An overhaul was afoot and the Phillies needed a replacement for stud infielder Rick Schu (who also sported a solid ‘stache), and Thon was their man. While Thon split time at shortstop with phenom Steve Jeltz, his stellar play earned him starts at second and third base. In three years with the Phillies he became a fan favorite. He finished batting .259 with 32 home runs and 152 RBI’s.
After the 1991 season, Thon sought greener pastures and signed with the Rangers before being released and finished his career with the Milwaukee Brewers, which was forgettable.
Thon is a legend here in Philadelphia as well as Houston (Texas men love them some Dickie). Thon even has a fan club; www.dickiethon.com. Unfortunately when I visited this morning it forwarded me to a message board that hasn’t been active since September 2011 (which is a damn shame). Hopefully the people behind The Dickie Thon Fan Club will get their shit together, because I’ll join.
Dickie had a bright future ahead of him. He was well on his way to be an offensive juggernaut, basking in the glory of a fruitful Major League career. That was until that asshole Torrez abruptly ended that. Even so we salute you Dickie. It doesn’t mean you’ll be an official Riot! guy like Moe Mantha or Wayne Fontes, but that might change one day. For now you have my love…
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