I woke in Gainesville to five people sleeping in the living room. Outside of Jim, I had no idea who the other four people were. Apparently the band from New Jersey that played Tallahassee the night before got back to Colin’s super late.
I woke up feeling like total shit. I was super congested, my throat was so sore it burned to smoke, and I couldn’t stop sneezing. Something told me what I thought were allergies was really a cold. But who gets a cold in Florida in August? It’s not like I went through a serious weather change. Before I left Philly it was in the mid-90’s there. I did get caught in the rain during the Philly show but I get caught in the rain all the time. I could blame Atlanta. The entire time I lived there I was sick all the time. That’s probably not it either. In reality it’s because I’m not taking care of myself.
Although I’m eating different foods, I’m not exactly making the healthiest decisions when I am eating. I’m probably drinking too much and I’m not sleeping well. I sleep more in the van then I do at night. I don’t think It’s because I’m sleeping in a strange house be it floor or couch, when I’m home in my bed I rarely sleep. Believe me, I wish I could sleep in like the rest of the band; it just doesn’t happen. On a positive note it does give me some time to myself, so all isn’t for loss.
Eventually everyone rolled out of bed and we received some disappointing news. Mike would not be able to tattoo us. His wife started a new job that day and he had to watch his two-year-old son. While it was a bummer, family needs to come first, so I totally understood. Besides there were other things we could do like watch Jim take on the seven wing challenge.
We all figured Jim had this one in the bag which was really good because $100 gift certificate would definitely help. The band doesn’t have a ton of money and I was getting ready to look in the couch for change because I wouldn’t be getting any money until early the next morning.
Jim called the wing place again, and for some reason the story changed again. He could do the challenge but he had to bring seven people with him. This had bait and switch written all over it considering it wasn’t mentioned the night before. Also counting Colin there were only five people in our group, so we were already short a couple. We entertained asking Mike to come along with his son (even though he’s two it would technically be seven people in our party), but two of the guys from the other band at the house said they would go.
So Jim calls the place back.
Yet again the story changed. They would have no problem letting him do the challenge but it had to be on Friday because the sauce they use they were out of. Talk about a bunch of bullshit. Considering it’s a Monday morning and we are on tour it wasn’t possible and who runs out of wing sauce??? Even if we were in Gainesville on Friday, I’m sure they’d feed Jim another line of shit.
I’m just glad Jim called ahead of time. Imagine how many people just walk in for the challenge, only to be given the run around, but since they are hungry they’d probably stay anyway. I wish I remembered the name of the bar that was advertising this (in hindsight I should have written it down), because I’d love to rip them an asshole. Any place that needs to false advertise to get people in the door is a shitty place you should boycott.
We were bummed but we didn’t dwell on it too long and immediately looked for a cheap buffet where we can get some lunch.
I’m learning that a buffet is something essential to find on the road. Since they’re not big rock stars (yet), on tour buses, everyone is on a budget. For anywhere from $5-$10 you can eat and if you time it right you’re probably not going to want to eat the rest of the day. My downfall is I don’t make the best decisions, but I’ve been craving salad.
After some research we found an all you can eat pizza and salad buffet called Stevi B’s. We immediately got ready and made our way there.
How to describe Stevi B’s. I’d describe it as a place somewhere between Cici’s and Pizza Hut. Not the best quality but it’ll fill you up and there’s worse pizza out there (and it’s much better then a Chinese buffet). One thing I did like is they offer custom made pizza’s that they bring to the table for you. That concept sort of bit me in the ass.
When we arrived there was some girl behind the counter who you could tell really didn’t care much about her job. She rang the four of us up for one buffet and a water glass each (Colin didn’t order the buffet). We sat down and started getting our eat on, but the water wasn’t doing it for me. Instead I filled my glass with Mr. Pibb (as did Joe). We ordered a few specialty pizzas and the same girl who rang us up was serving the pizza to us. She knew Joe and I didn’t pay for soda, but like a good pizza employee turned a blind eye to it. She even was giving Colin pizza knowing he didn’t buy the buffet. She didn’t care, we didn’t care; life was good.
Then I got up to use the restroom. Upon my return I was stopped by what I’m assuming was the manager. I’m assuming this because he wasn’t wearing the red polo shirt like the other employees, but a blue button down shirt. (SIDEBAR: I’ve learned that there’s a hierarchy in the lower end of the food industry. The person with the most buttons normally has the most power. Pay attention next time your out at a shitty place and you’ll see I’m right). I don’t think he was Stevi B, because Stevi B isn’t exactly a popular name in Pakistan (but I digress).
Anyway he asked me why I was drinking soda out of a water glass. I just played stupid and said I thought it came with the buffet. In so many words he told me it didn’t and demanded $2.10 for the soda I had consumed (talk in about a f*cking mark-up for a fountain drink). Well I didn’t have $2.10 on me (if I did I would have ordered a damn soda), and he wasn’t happy about that and was getting a bit upset over it. As much as I wanted to tell him to take his $2.10 and stick it, I didn’t want Samir calling the cops over a fountain drink. I borrowed a buck off Ryan and paid my soda fee (then hate drank five more glasses of soda out of pure spite).
We left, laughed at the power trip Samir was on and figured out what to do next. Colin asked if we wanted to see some alligators in the wild (Duh, who doesn’t want to see the alligator chilling in his natural habitat possibly ready to pounce on an unsuspecting dog?). We all were down for it and made our way to the wildlife refuge.
On the way to see the gators I happened to check Facebook and found the following post on my wall from Jim:
“To everyone who knows and cares for Jay Platt, this afternoon Jay was arrested at Stevi B’s Pizza Buffet. After filling his water glass with soda, the manager then confronted him and asked him to pay. A frustrated Jay called the man of Indian decent a slew of things the man didn’t care for. After this, the manager open hand slapped Jay which prompted Jay to smash a hot smores desert pizza into the man’s soft brown face.”
Then Jim followed with this:
“Jay is currently being held at the Gainesville PD on $1,000 bail. A Pay Pal account will be set up for donations ASAP. Please help by reposting. A friend is in need!!!”
After reading that I was in tears from laughing so hard. While I was afraid my mom would see it and freak out, but I’m sure she’d try and contact me if she didn’t get that it was a joke. This expanded to the idea that Jim was in the hospital because he lost a foot after being attacked by an alligator. An alligator he was trying to catch and sell to help me with my bail. Maybe you had to be there to see the actual humor, but it was damn funny.
We arrived at the refuge and saw all the warning signs about alligators and bison (apparently bison roam free in Western-Central Florida). So I was stoked to see the animals in the wild. Living in Florida I used to see gators swimming in a lake but never sunbathing on the banks of a river. Seeing a herd of bison was just a bonus (Kevin Costner isn’t the only one who can Dance With Wolves). The one thing I wasn’t digging was the banana spiders that were everywhere (call be a pussy, fine, and I don’t care if they’re not poisonous, they’re big f*cked up looking spiders and although not poisonous I bet if one bites you it’s going to hurt like a son of a bitch).
Well we walked about a mile or so into the refuge and pretty much got skunked. We did see some gators swimming in a lake, and saw the tail of a gator under a tree (which Jims efforts of chucking rocks at it so it would turn around were unsuccessful), but the area around the rivers was super overgrown and the water levels were ridiculously low. Unfortunately there were no bison sightings either. Regardless it was nice to nature. Living in the city I don’t see nature very often.
The only drawback was the heat. It was absolutely brutal. I can’t wait to get out of Florida. The humidity it unbearable and while Florida does have a lot of cool outdoor things to offer, what’s the point in doing them when after being outside for 20 minutes you want to shoot yourself.
It was getting late so it was time to head to Tallahassee. Nothing really to report on that end as it was fairly uneventful and involved Jim playing NHL 97 and me taking a nap.
The show in Tallahassee was a house show at a place called The Shark Tank. The people who lived their had their carport enclosed and it was now used as a room for shows with a tiny stage. There were four total bands slated to play the evening. A couple local ska bands, The Fake Boys and a band out of Athens called The Fuzzlers. There was a lot of people at the house either playing NES 64 or drinking cheap beer in the front yard so it was primed to be a good show.
The first band played literally for five minutes. I forgot their name but it was their first show ever. They clearly liked Less Than Jake, because that’s who they attempted to sound like, sans the horns. The second band I didn’t hear at all. I took a phone call from the better half and seven minutes later when I got off the phone The Fake Boys were already about to go on stage. The Fake Boys continued to be the best band on the stage every night of the tour. The sound wasn’t super great but not much is expected when it comes to the PA at a house show.
Something caught my eye during the bands set. I was in the kitchen in front of all the merch and I had no room to maneuver around because there was costumes and random props in the kitchen. I asked one of the dudes from The Fuzzlers if it was theirs and they told me it was part of there act. One of the other band mates held up a giant mask that was very remnisent of Mr. Bill and told me it was Elvis’s brother, who was a crack head. I’m assuming that was an attempt at humor but it really wasn’t funny. At that moment I knew The Fuzzlers were going suck.
I loathe props. I think it takes away from the art, be it comedy or music. It’s a mask to divert the viewer from realizing there’s an obvious lack of talent. Sadly people buy it. Sure, they’re mostly rubes but it happens.
Come on, everyone has encountered a fan of Carrot Top or Gallagher. Their average fan has the intellect of a dirty sponge and are still entertained with “not” jokes. Anyone with half a brain realizes these two prop comics have two things in common. They’re both disturbing to look at and aren’t funny. Smashing watermelons and gluing together toys isn’t comedy. It’s something pre-school kids find entertaining.
The same goes for music. If you’re going to see a live band and are looking forward to a prop show stay the hell home. You’re as about as smart as a bag of hammers (with all due respect to a bag of hammers), and you should probably jump in front of a moving bus. If you can’t get down with a moving bus, The Fuzzlers might be your band.
They came out in all sorts of ridiculous outfits. The singer was wearing a pink cocktail dress and some other doucher in the band look like he was part of Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. The others, I’m not sure what they were wearing because the entire band disgusted me. I was further disgusted when I actually heard their music (but wasn’t surprised. I’m not a fan of ska and they were ska. I really hate the band The Aquabats (another shitting band with costumes, props, and shtick), and they really wanted to be The Aquabats.
Then the costume change occurred. One guy became the poor copy of Mr. Bill who was supposed to be Elvis’s crack head brother, and the other guy came out as some poor rip off of Godzilla. If you think they were embarrassing themselves at that point they took it to an idiot extreme. There was a Lego tower on the stage and they began to smash it and start a Lego fight. It’s unfortunate no one in the band or who was watching the show lost an eye.
I pray I never see something like that ever in my life. It’s a total mockery of music, and music is something I love.
Once the show winded down, Tim from the Caffiend (who was in attendance), drove us to a local apartment complex so we could scale a fence and jump in their pool. Afterwards we thought about going to Goth Night at one of the local clubs, but opted against it because we wanted to hit the road. Houma, Louisiana was a good ways away and we wanted to get there early.
Stay tuned to see what happens next in the life of a Road Warrior.
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