Yes I said it. Until the NCAA gets their act together and puts a legit playoff system in place, it’s not as REAL as it could be. Don’t get me wrong, I dig Saturdays in the fall, and I love watching the NCAA brand of football, it’s just not as satisfying as the National Football League. So this will be all about what to look for in this upcoming season and my predictions for what I think will happen all the way out to the Super Bowl; these will be picks you can take to the bank and fork over your money because they will be losers for sure. I know the first game is in the books, a rousing 42-34 defensive struggle between the Packers and the Saints, but I figured why do the popular thing and make predictions before the season starts? This is the Sports Riot! damn it, we will do what we want. A new revolution is brewing and it starts here; predictions after the first game, not before.Rex –n- Effect
This ain’t no Rumpshaker, no-no, none of that please. Could you imagine just sticking Rex Ryan’s big ass in that video? What a nightmare. Anyway, this will be the place where we will keep track of all of Rex Ryan’s little “isms”.
*How many times will he drop the F-Bomb within ear shot of a mic – Damn, this number could be in the thousands. Let’s break it down this way; he’s pretty careful at press conferences, so that number will be 15. On the sidelines? 1,500+, bank on it.
*How many times will Rex guarantee a Jets Super Bowl berth – This is almost a rite of passage at this point. I’m going to say at least five; the pressure is really on this year for Rexy to deliver, and I think the rhetoric will be coming fast and hard this year.
*How many pranks will there be? - Rex is prone to silliness despite his harsh exterior, so I would say 3. I would have predicted more, but his game against his brother Rob Ryan (D coordinator for the Cowboys) is this Sunday and there hasn’t been any hi-jinx yet. Maybe Rex is playing this one seriously. God I hope not.
So there you have it – 1,515 F-Bombs
6 Super Bowl Guarantees
3 Pranks
(BTW, my fandom lies with the J!E!T!S!, JETS!,JETS!,JETS!, so I love me some Rexy.)
More things to look for
*The Crypt Keeper, otherwise known as Pat Sumerall, will make his annual appearance to make us all thankful that we will NOT live to be 127. (Love Pat Sumerall, great childhood memories of his voice but damn he is old)
*I will miss John Madden calling games for another year. (BOOM! <tear>)
*Cheese-heads will be out in force. My God, it will be fattening.
*Mark Sanchez will get ripped unmercifully until he wins a Super Bowl, or kills Skip Bayless (which would finally give us a reason to watch ESPN’s “First Take” and not hate ourselves for it).
*The Lions will make us wonder what all the hype was about again.
*Continuing on the Lions front, we will be asking why the Lions play on Thanksgiving every year when they suck so bad thus proving the hype was exactly that, hype.
*Alex Smith will actually play well this season, but the 49ers will lose anyway, and we will all blame Alex Smith.
*The Raiders will be good and the Chiefs will not.
*It’s Super Bowl or unemployment line for Norv Turner in San Diego. He has the 2nd best QB in football, all his weapons back and a solid D. No more excuses Norvell, its Bolt time.
*We are watching the beginning of the end of Peyton Manning
*The NY Giants will contend for the NFC East quietly.
*The Eagles will struggle to make the playoffs loudly.
*Josh Freeman will become an elite big game QB
*Panthers will be better than expected (4-12 instead of 2-14)
*The Browns will make some noise (8-8)
*If the Texans don’t win this division now, they never will
*Chris Johnson will have an injury plagued, sub-par season
*TO will make a difference somewhere this season and Chad Ochocinco will not
*Haynesworth will raise the ire of Bill Belicheck very soon
*The Bengals will be awful (nothing groundbreaking there)
*The Cowboys will be very good despite losing in week 1 to the Jets
*Chris Berman and Tom Jackson will finally reveal their not so Hetero love for each other in Week 12; Keyshawn will clap.
*Skip Bayless will make a living over the next 5 months ripping on the Jets and sitting on the tip of the Patriots as he so often does. (Will Skip give the Jets their due if they win the Super Bowl? Survey says……Probably not, he will blame the losers)
*….and I will have roughly 37 minor heart attacks during the season while watching the Jets on Direct TV. I didn’t have this luxury last season, so I had to watch the crawl on the bottom of Raiders and Niners games. This season is a whole new ball game; someone heat up the paddles and just wait for me ‘because I’m coming.
And Now, time for the picks guaranteed to make you broke
Last time I engaged in predictions it was the beginning of the baseball season. I currently have one World Series contender left (The Brewers) but every other prediction has gone by the waist side. So with that said, I’m going to make three sets of picks. A fan’s picks, an analyst’s pick and natures pick.
Fan
AFC East – JETS
AFC North – doesn’t matter because the Jets are better
AFC West - doesn’t matter because the Jets f**king rule
AFC South - doesn’t matter because the Jets are going to F them up
AFC Wild Card - doesn’t matter because the Jets are going to beat them like red headed step-children and the dirty, stinkin’, cheating, over hyped, pretty boy QB havin’ Patriots
NFC East – Not the Giants
NFC North – Cheeseheads
NFC West – Boy do they suck
NFC South – Saints (we respect New-awlin’s)
NFC Wild Card – Not the Giants and NOT the 49ers (they suck)
Super Bowl pick – Jets 24 over the IT DOESN’T MATTER BECAUSE THE JETS ARE GOING TO BEAT THEM!!!
Analyst
AFC East – Pats (13-3)
AFC North – Ravens (12-4)
AFC South – Texans (10-6)
AFC West – Chargers (10-6)
AFC Wild Card – Jets (11-5) & Steelers (11-5)
NFC East – Eagles (10-6)
NFC North – Packers (13-3)
NFC South – Saints (12-4)
NFC West – Cardinals (8-8)
NFC Wild Card – Falcons (10-6) & Lions (9-7)
Playoffs
AFC
1st Round
Steelers win @ Chargers
Jets win @ Texans
2nd Round
Jets win @ Ravens
Patriots beat Steelers
AFC Championship Game
Jets beat Patriots 27 – 17 (Look what we did to you……AGAIN!!!! –Dice)
NFC
1st round
Lions win @ Eagles
Falcons win @ Cardinals
2nd Round
Packers beat Lions
Falcons Beat Saints
NFC Championship Game
Falcons beat Packers 35-20
Super Bowl
I know what you’re saying, that I picked the Jets as the analyst, and it was my “fan” pick. Yes it was, but I just feel that they are ready to take that next step. Sanchez is ready, they have good veteran leadership and the only real question mark is Plaxico Burress over Braylon Edwards.
Anyway, the Falcons get it done 16-13 in a dramatic Super Bowl for the ages. The Falcons will celebrate by doing the “dirty bird” in honor of Jamal Anderson and the 1998 team. Here’s my caveat, they will only win the Super Bowl if they wear the Red Unis from the 70’s and 80’s; if not they get decimated in the Super Bowl.
Nature
Nature’s picks are the ones that follow the order of Nature. Like for example, this week the Jets should annihilate the Cowboys. Why? Because no group of Cowboys could take down a fleet of Jets, not unless the team was called the Dallas Cowboys with Missle Launchers would they be able to accomplish this feat. So here is how it should go down.
AFC East
New York Jets (14-2) It’s a friggin’ Jet OK? What is taken out a Jet? Nature has them losing to the Patriots because they play them twice, and a good Patriot will figure out how to take a Jet out by the 2nd time around. And the Chargers, because how do you defeat lightning.
New England Patriots (12-4) How can you keep a good Patriot down. Besides, that’s an average season for the Pats.
Miami Dolphins (2-12-2) That’s right, two ties. Well in battles with a dolphin, they need to take place in water right? So how does a Bronco and a Buffalo get in the water? Other than that, Dolphins suck as fighters.
Buffalo Bills (1-14-1) Buffalo are just big, dumpy animals who chew grass slowly. They will get their asses beat, just like in real life.
AFC North
Cincinnati Bengals (15-1) a favorable schedule helps this big cat of the Serengeti. There are a lot of creatures in the NFL that could take a Bengal but they are just not on the schedule this season. Their only defeat comes at the hands of the Titans.
Pittsburgh Steelers (8-7-1) The gritty nature of a Steeler carries him through some tough battles.
Baltimore Ravens (3-13) I mean, it’s a Raven. They may look spooky in a certain light, at a certain house, but outside of that, they are nothing a good sized rock can’t take care of.
Cleveland Browns (3-13) Now this one was somewhat objective on my part. If a “Brown” is a common domestic dog, then that would explain the 3-13. Perhaps if they were the Pit Bulls, it could’ve been better. I would give a Pit Bull a shot against some humans and even a big cat, but your average mutt? 3-13.
AFC South
Tennessee Titans (16-0) We ain’t talkin’ about no “Remember the Titans.” No Denzel here, or sentimental morality speeches; just straight up pain. Look up “Titans” and you’ll see what I saw. Zeus. The Kraken. Bad ass, undefeatable s**t.
Houston Texans (11-5) – Texans are not generally viewed as intelligent, but they are packin’ heat, and they are seen as “tough.” So with that in mind and a favorable schedule, the Texans end up with a very nice record.
Jacksonville Jaguars (11-5) – a Jaguar is not the biggest or toughest cat of this bunch, but given their division and their schedule, they manage just fine, and rip out some throats in the process.
Indianapolis Colts (4-12) perhaps it’s poetic justice that Peyton went under the knife again today thus signaling the beginning of the end of him, and the Colts fantastic run, that I point out that horses are f**king p**sies. They have zero defenses and the only reason they win 4 battles is because they play the Saints (who are the only 0-16 being in the NFL) and horses are smart enough to eventually outsmart a Texan and stomp a dog.
AFC West
San Diego Chargers (16-0) – How do you beat lightning? Maybe the Scranton Rubber Tires can beat lightning? Maybe if Trojan condoms field a team? Other than that, I don’t know how you game plan for lightning.
Oakland Raiders (11-5) First off the idea of a “Raider” conjures images of big dudes who rape and pillage a village in the dead of night. Add to that the image of a helmeted skull from the Raider logo and you have yourself a pretty formidable foe.
Kansas City Chiefs (9-6-1) They are “Chiefs” for a reason.
Denver Broncos (0-15-1) God horses suck. They can’t fight for s**t. The only reason they are not 0-16 is because they too smart to get in the water to fight the Dolphins.
NFC East
New York Giants (15-1) The only things in the league that could take out a Giant would be a Jet or a Titan.
Washington Redskins (10-6) There’s an old game of Cowboys and Indians happening here and the rest of the schedule is full of animals a “Redskin” would hunt and eat. That’s pretty bad ass.
Dallas Cowboys (9-6-1) a schedule full of birds, horses and cats that a Cowboy could either shoot, ride, or molest gives the Cowboys a good season.
Philadelphia Eagles (7-9) Unfortunately as tough of a bird the Eagle is, it’s in a division with Giant who can swat it, Cowboys who can shoot it, and Redskins who would hunt it and eat it. Otherwise, the Eagle would be a tough one to beat.
NFC North
Minnesota Vikings (14-2) – Have you ever seen “How to Train Your Dragon?” Those dudes are not only huge, but they fight and kill dragons. I’m not f**king with any Vikings anytime soon that’s for sure.
Chicago Bears (11-5) – There is a stuffed Grizzly Bear in the Lindsey Wildlife Museum here in Northern California. You don’t really know how big a Bear is until you’re standing next to one. I really pray that it is the only time I’m standing next to an actual Grizzly Bear.
Detroit Lions (7-9) – Lions are tough, but can they take a Grizzly or a Viking…..I think not.
Green Bay Packers (2-14) – WTF is a Packer? Fudge? Gangsta? Billy? Whatever it is, it isn’t that tough. I would take Vikings, Lions and Bears oh my, any day of the week.
NFC South
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (14-2) You could have gone one of three ways with this one. I could have seen a Buc as a bad ass Pirate like the bad guys from “Pirates or the Caribbean,” a drunk Pirate like Captain Jack Sparrow, or a gay Pirate like “The Pirates of Penzance” or Zorro “The Gay Blade.” I chose the bad ass Pirate, and that’s how I arrived at the 14-2 record.
Carolina Panthers (9-7) – The Panther may not be the biggest cat of the bunch, but they are ferocious.
Atlanta Falcons (5-11) – The Falcon is not nearly as impressive as you think it is. WEAK!
New Orleans Saints (0-16) – He may be the nicest guy of the bunch, but you don’t bring your “nice” to fight with. There is a reason why the phrase “nice guys finish last” exists.
NFC West
St Louis Rams (10-6) - A favorable schedule and being in a division with a stupid, ugly bird, a drunken gold sifter and a tiny bird helps this head banging dummy of an animal.
San Francisco 49ers (6-9-1) – These people traveled across the country when there weren’t even roads or cars yet; and the threat of dysentery loomed large (Oregon Trail anyone?). They are pretty tough but I have to imagine that they got drunk often, and sifting rivers and lakes for gold in the desert sun would make you a little loopy. So that’s why they don’t suck, but they are not good either.
Seattle Seahawks (5-11) The only reason this ugly f**king rat with wings isn’t in last place is because it’s bigger and stronger than a Cardinal and a Raven.
Arizona Cardinals (2-14) – The beautiful, majestic Cardinal sucks in a fight. End of story.
So that’s that, let’s see how nature fairs. She has Cinci as a 1 seed and the Packers in last place. I wouldn’t put much stock in what she says, but it’s always fun to hear her voice.
Send me your predictions @ thesportsriot@yahoo.com or follow us on twitter @thesportsriot and show your fandom. If you think a Raven is bad ass, defend them. I will openly laugh at you, but every fandom deserves to be heard.
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