Women's Sports AT ITS' BEST!

The WNBA celebrates its’ 15th anniversary today and I have to say, who cares? I can't think of a thing that is less important and more boring than the WNBA. The ONLY reason I'm even mentioning the WNBA on this site is because I got a little pop-up on my cell phone about the WNBA as a "This date in History" thing.  How sad is June 21st if the WNBA is the most important thing that happened to day.  My morning bowel movement could spark more interest than the WNBA. I don't have to even go outside of sports to find a more significant event.  In 1970, Pele and Brazil became the first country to ever win the World Cup 3 times.  Oh, here's something that MIGHT be more important than the WNBA's inception today; in 1788, the US constitution was ratified. I guess the WNBA's first game takes some precedent over the US becoming what it is today and the rules by which the greatest country in the world lived by for over 200 years. Watching Rebecca lobo and Sheryl Swoopes bank lay-up after lay-up for two and a half hours; way more important than the adoption of the US Constitution. Please don’t misunderstand this slam; it's not the players fault. I don't want to sit here and pretend that I can beat Chamique Holdsclaw in a one on one because I can’t; she is tremendous at what she does. What I'm saying is nobody wants to watch her do it.  Who's watching the WNBA really? Girls who play basketball with the hopes that someday they can play in that league and make a living at it, that's it. There are no housewives watching that shit while Oprah's on, or the OWN network is doing some Oprah-ey thing (OWN- Oprah Winfrey Network). And there are definitely no guys watching these women.  The only way guys will watch the WNBA are if they a) start dunking b) draft Scarlett Johannsen, CoCo, Halle Berry and Katy Perry look-a-likes or c) do choice b, and start playing in bikinis.  Why would a guy watch women's basketball when the NBA is right around the corner?  I would rather watch the CBA, or International ball to get my fix; at least those games are similar to the NBA.  So my problem is with ESPN and the media in general treating this league with any measure of respect like it's a part of our fabric. They are having a WNBA triple header on ESPN 2 today.  THREE F#$KING GAMES! WHAT?! To me, that's what hell is like.  Watching three WNBA tilts while sitting next to Celine Dion smothered in Patchouli oil, rambling about her female named husband Renee and all the beautiful children as pan flutes are played behind her. I have to say this, but I don't want to, and my only hope is that it comes off the right way.  Guys in the media and ESPN, women do not need to be pandered to.  If there product isn't any good, they will move on and do something else.  Women in this country are very strong, and much smarter than us guys so I have no worries about them; it's us making ourselves feel better about ourselves for treating the Woman's league like we would the Men's league. It's Bull Shit. Look, ESPN dumped the NHL a few years back because of bad ratings.  There is no way that the WNBA is pulling better ratings than the NHL.  If that's true, I will watch the WNBA religiously this season and report on it weekly right here at The Riot!. Shit, I will throw on a Diana Turasi jersey right now if that’s true.

But now that I think of the NHL and the WNBA I have a much better idea for a televised women's sport that everyone can get behind; ROLLER DERBY! I have said once and I'll say it again, I love me a Roller Girl.  A girl that can knock your teeth out and look HOT doing it is OK by me; that's some liberating shit there.  And I think most men agree with me. And even better, a greater portion of women have a Roller Girl inside of them than a pro basketball player. Am I right? It’s a growing underground sport that many people are aware of, but it hasn’t hit the mainstream consciousness yet. Well I’m here to tell you it’s time has come. If I have to endure nine hours of WNBA lay-up drills then the time for Roller Derby’s ascension into the mainstream has come. Hell, you add any kind of production element to Roller Derby and you have yourself a sport that will grab ratings.  Now not all Roller Girls are HOT in looks but their ability to just destroy someone's soul is very attractive.  I'm not saying that all WNBA players are ugly, but the attractive ones are few and far between and I'm terribly sorry, but the excitement level of a WNBA game just doesn't match that of a Derby Bout. It's like hockey with more violence; it's great. And there are teams already in most of these major WNBA markets garnering some attention.

Let's Trade shall we:

New York Liberty -for- Gotham Girls

LA Galaxy - for- LA Derby Dolls

Chicago Sky -for- The Windy City Rollers
Seattle Storm (sounds like a DC hero) -for- The Rat City Rollers

Even the names sound more exciting. Now I know Roller Girls like to be on the fringe, and the idea of going commercial at first sounds awful. They may run the risk of losing some of their underground charm, but don't worry, when the money starts rolling in, they won't be concerned about that anymore. Here are a few tips from your biggest fan, The Sports Riot! to stay commercially on the fringe:
1) Keep up the brutality.  Let's not get all "Saw" brutal, but keep it where it is now, you know.
2) Keep dudes out of it. I used to watch a show back in the day called "RollerGames" and there were dudes and girls and it really took away from the hotness. 
3) Steer clear of WWF type shit talking.  Again I reference the last time Derby was a televised thing and it tried too hard to be more than what it was.
4) Most important, stay true to your fandom. The thing I think I love most about Roller Girls is that your fans love you and you seem to love them.  Nobody "loves" the New York Liberty.  People "love" The Gotham City Girls.

So to sum up, the WNBA has no business being on ESPN or ESPN 2 several times a week, definitely not on ABC ever, and most certainly not on my phone as a "this day is history" factoid.  I wept for June 21st for a moment before I realized what ACTUALLY happened in the history of this day. Also, maybe we just added a new chapter to June 21^st. Maybe June 21st can go down in history as the day the movement to get Roller Derby on mainstream TV started and get that two and a half hour glorified jump shot festival, the WNBA, off.  It starts here, and it starts now.