Where are They Now?

I’m a big proponent of using “we” when referring to teams I love.  Of course when you’re in a bar you always run into some asshole who makes a smart ass comment like “We???  You’re not on the team.”  I say bullshit, if you have the passion to live and die by your team, spend money on your favorite team, be it tickets, you’re part of the team (ask any player about the crowds in Philly, during playoff time.  In saying that, sometimes these fans do something stupid and get a little public notoriety before they fade away. They deserve their own redemption song, and I’m just the asshole to do it (SIDEBAR:  If you do not know who these people are, you cannot use the term “we”, you’re not on the team).

Jeffrey Maier

Known for:  In Game 1 of the 1996 ALCS, Jeff reached over the right field wall at Yankee Stadium, giving Derek Jeter a game tying home run in the bottom of the eighth inning.  Amongst protests from both manager Davey Johnson and right fielder Tony Tarasco (and eventually AL President Gene Budig when the Orioles officially protested the game), it was still ruled a home run.  The Yankees ended up winning the game in the eleventh inning on a Bernie Williams home run.  I hate this friggin’ pecker head.  This set the tone for the series as the Yankees ended up winning the series four games to one, but that’s highly misleading, because if not for a bad call the Orioles would have headed home up 2-0.

Maier became a hero in New York, and even received a Key to the City (which in reality, umpire Rich Garcia really deserved the key to the city, since it was his terrible call that made that 12-year old bastard a local hero).  Another class move by New York.  A kid interferes with a live ball and he’s a hero? If it had hurt the Yankees, he’d probably get pelted with batteries.

Where are they now?:  I really hoped to do some research and find out that Little Jeff developed a heroin habit, but no such luck.  Maier was a collegiate baseball player, and rumor had it he would be drafted by the Orioles.  They passed on him as did every other team and he went undrafted.  Currently Maier is searching for an MLB front office job (I still think the junk habit would be more fun).

Steve Bartman

Known for:  If you mention his name to any Cubs fan they will either a) cry or b) kick you square in the nuts.  In Game 6 of the 2003 NLCS (with the Cubs leading three games to two), Bartman, an avid Cubs fan, interfered with a foul ball that should have been in the glove of left fielder Moises Alou (did I mention this happened in the eighth inning with the Cubs leading 3-0?).  That out, which would have been the second out of the inning, but instead it fueled a Marlins rally and the Cubs lost.  The next day they lost Game 7, and while the Marlins went on to the World Series and beat the Yankees, Cubs fans went home, drank luke warm Old Style and beat their wives.

Where are they now?:  Bartman received tons of death threats following the incident and went into hiding (I’d personally go into hiding if I was a Cubs fan too).  For years he disappeared and his current whereabouts are still sketchy.  Some say he lives at home with his parents in a northern Chicago suburb, some say he’s in Chicago still and married, and one rumor was he had his job transferred to London.  ESPN did an article on him and apparently found him outside his Chicago-area job, so I doubt the London rumor is true.  One thing that is true is that he’s not welcome back to Wrigley Field.

Andrew Giuliani

Known for:  Andrew is the fat son of Former NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani. He was notorious at Yankees games in the 90’s for throwing tantrums that the New York Media so conveniently caught on camera.  This became so well known in New York that this little bastard had his own Saturday Night Live skit (see above, played by Chris Farley).

Where are they now?:  Older and now an upper echelon douche bag, Giuliani is still throwing tantrums.  An aspiring golfer, he was thrown off the Duke golf team.  That got Fat Andy’s panties in a bunch and he sued the school.  The suit was laughed out of court.  Most recently he started dating gold medalist Sarah Hughes.  While it’s hot to date an Olympian, when she looks like she has Down Syndrome, it’s not so hot; it’s a deal breaker.

Morganna “The Kissing Bandit”

Known for:  A former stripper (whose claimed measurements were 60-23-39), Morganna was known for running out on Major League fields in the 70’s and 80’s and kissing players.  Among her victims were George Brett, Steve Garvey, Pete Rose, and Nolan Ryan (I guess if you have tits you can run on the field, sexually assault an athlete, and still not be tazed).  This national notoriety landed her guest spots on Johnny Carson and David Letterman, as well as the cover of Playboy in 1985.

Where are they now?:  Morganna faded out in the late-80’s.  She made occasional appearances in minor league games, and finally “retired” in 1999 and is no longer in the public eye.  She currently resides somewhere in the less than spectacular State of Ohio.

William Ligue Jr.

Known for:  In a selfless act of father/son bonding, Will and his “shorty” were the two white trash scumbags who weren’t entertained enough at a White Sox/Royals game that they thought they would up the ante and run on the field and beat the shit out of Royals first base coach, Tom Gamboa (good thing it wasn’t bat day).  Both parties got their own asses kicked by Royals players and were arrested. 

This incident never made any sense to me for two reasons:

1 – Who the f*ck takes their shirt off at a baseball game?

2 – How did these two trailer park bags manage to score front row seats in order to reach Gamboa? 

Anyway, enough of my person pondering and digression. 

This wasn’t Ligue’s first brush with the law or with violence.  In 2000 and 2001 he was charged with domestic violence, but charges were dropped (I guess the bitch knew what was good for her).  In 2002 Ligue’s old lady had one black eye too many as he was arrested for punching her in the face, neck, and back.  He wasn’t done.  After beating her senseless he hurled a brick through her window (Ladies, I know what you’re thinking.  Is he single?).  Oh, and in 1996 he was sued for failure to pay child support (who didn’t see that one coming).

Where are they now?: This one is a bit of a mystery as information is hard to find.  In 2006 Ligue was arrested for breaking into a car, which violated his parole (go figure), so maybe he’s still in the joint (we can only pray).  If not, there’s a good shot he’s at a hillbilly bar outside a trailer park drinking Old Crow looking for a new woman to slap around.  On a side note Men’s Health Magazine rated him the #7 worst father  (wedged between David Hasselhoff and Eliot Spitzer).

Alyssa Milano

Known for:  Aside from being my teenage wet dream?  Alyssa is to baseball what Pamela DesBarres is to rock and roll.  She’s dated Barry Zito, Brad Penny, Carl Pavano, & Russell Martin among others (shes caught more balls than Yogi Berra).

Where are they now?:  Alyssa has said she sworn off baseball players and wants to date a regular guy like a plumber (this is a temporary move until a new class of young players establishes themselves).  She also has a blog for MLB and is a fashion designer, designing a line of “dugout girl” apparel (see above) for female baseball fans.

Well there you have it kids.  Do you want to find a long lost super fan?  Hit me up at shatmeself@yahoo.com and I’ll be your private dick.