Kellen Winslow Loves Target; A Little Too Much

I’m starting to become a big fan of Kellen Winslow Jr.  Not for his play on the field, let’s be honest, he’s terrible.  It’s his off-the-field antics that tell me he’s doing something right.  It all started back on November 17^th.

Kellen scored himself some synthetic ganja and had a hunkering for some Boston Market (SIDEBAR:  I haven’t done drugs in a while, when did people start making synthetic weed?  More importantly, why does one need synthetic weed?  It’s not like there’s a weed shortage.  If regular ole’ pot isn’t getting the job done, you might have a problem and possibly need to locate a 12-step program).  While I don’t know much about the fake ganj, I too enjoy some Boston Market (I dig the creamed spinach), but let’s get back on track.  Kellen seemed to get lost in route the Boston Market (one can only assume he was way too fucked up to use a GPS, OnStar, or one of the 1,000 other ways you can locate an eatery), so he decided to sit in a Target parking lot and regroup. 

Someone must have called the fuzz (a black man sitting in an Escalade, duh), because they paid his car a visit.  He explained that he was merely lost trying to get some rotisserie chicken.  Even though the cops observed some empty containers, which may or may not have contained a controlled substance they let him go.  That changed a little over a month later.  On December 30^th charges were filed against him for possession of his “Mr. Happy” and “Funky Monkey” (those were the apparent names of his fake weed).

Well fast-forward two months (since the date of the original incident)…  It’s now come out that while Winslow was sitting in the Target parking lot he was treating his body like an amusement park.  The woman who called the cops also stated that the “black male in the Escalade” was rubbing his erect penis. 

That’s outstanding…  Seriously…  Outstanding…

I don’t know about you but when I get the urge to rub one out in public I’m more of a Kmart guy, but I digress (we all have needs).  As much as this story makes me want to go out and buy a Winslow Jets jersey, he probably won’t be on the team next year (he wears out his welcome pretty quickly), and I’m not sure if I think these allegations are true.

If he’s in an Escalade, one can only assume its pretty high up off the ground (I’ve yet to see a low-rider version).  Also, if you’re going to jack it in your car, wouldn’t you ease the seat back (according to David Lee Roth you're supposed to)?  So unless this woman is 6’5 with heels on or Winslow’s wang puts Tommy Lee to shame, how did she see the alleged masturbation?

Now the police report did say, that Winslow was wearing sweatpants (which give you quick access, but the danger is fear of pitching a tent), and there was an open container of Vaseline on the console, so I guess the proper paraphernalia was in place, but the only legit way I can see that this woman saw anything is if Kellen decided to give her a sneak peek.

I’m probably thinking about this WAY too much, so I’m going to stop now.  What do you think?  Drop a comment or email me at gimmeasign@gmail.com.  Follow me on Twitter @JayPlatt for profane-laced tirades about the Oilers.