Howdy folks! It’s time for another installment of everybody’s favorite piece, The Punch in the Face List. I was really hoping to avoid baseball again this time, unless it was Tony La Russa (I haven’t forgot about you buddy!), and I considered Cowboys Defensive Coordinator Rob Ryan. I was set to do it and it still might happen. Homeboy has a white Bob Seger mullet among other things, but I don’t want to spoil it. That’s when Carlos Zambrano came along.
When Carlos Zambrano first broke into baseball I was a big fan of his. In his first full season as a starter he went 13-11 with a 3.11 ERA, and was a big reason the Cubs went to the NLCS (although they did lose and shitty Cubs fans still blame Steve Bartman for this but conveniently overlook the fact the Cubs imploded after said play). I was more impressed with him because he was the only young starter in 2003 the Cubs had that even Dusty Baker couldn’t ruin his arm (sorry Kerry Wood and Mark Prior, pussies).
Then Zambrano became even better, poising himself to become one of the best pitchers in the National League. In fact, in 2006 “El Toro”, led the National League in wins with 16. That’s when the real Zambrano came to light (SIDEBAR: I’ve always said crazy always hides itself well. Hell, I can probably entertain you over a beer or five with some insanity I’ve encountered from “normal people”, but that’s for a different time). Let’s look at some of Zambrano’s lowlights:
- Prior to the 2007 season he threatened to hold out because he wanted a contract extension prior to the season and boldly stated he would win the Cy Young Award. I can’t stand when some holier-than-thou athlete holds out for more money, don’t they realize there are actually starving families world-wide?
- That wasn’t his only “hit of 2007”. In June he punched catcher Michael Barrett in the face in the dugout because of a past ball. Zambrano blamed the past ball leading to him giving up six runs in five innings. I’m sure it had nothing to do with Zambrano being ineffective.
- In 2009 Zambrano was ejected in Pittsburgh. Handling the ejection like a mature adult, Carlos proceeded to throw his glove and ball into left field, then beat the shit out of a Gatorade cooler with a bat. Initially he was going to be suspended, but it was handled internally by the Cubs.
- In 2010 Zambrano, unhappy allowing four runs in the first inning had a tirade in the Cubs dugout, attempted to attack first baseman Derek Lee, and again took his frustrations out on the Gatorade cooler (do you see a pattern here?). Wisely, manager Lou Pinella removed Zambrano from the game and the Cubs suspended him.
At this point the Cubs were looking to trade Zambrano, but regardless of his talent (he averages 14-9 with a 3.57 ERA), there were no takers because he’s too much of a damn headache. Even the Yankees, who have taken on such personality disasters like Doc Gooden, Jose Canseco, and Darryl Strawberry wanted no part him.
All these actions are NOT why I want to punch Carlos in the face. Obviously he has anger issues and doesn’t know how to control his temper, but he has passion. As someone who’s played baseball and softball since about age six I can relate to that. I remember one time I was ejected from a softball game for looking at the umpire the wrong way.
In the prior inning I hit a home run and gave my team the lead. Unfortunately the umpire insisted I missed third base and called me out (which to this day is complete bullshit). I had my words and I visibly unhappy, but I accepted it. Upon walking to the pitchers mound the next inning I just stared at the umpire who called me out. I never said a word. I was told by him not to look at me and I just stared. At that point I was tossed. It was at that point I completely lost my shit, but eventually left the field (we still went on to win that game).
What has my tits twisted is Zambrano’s latest stunt.
In Friday night’s game against the Braves, Zambrano gave up back to back home runs to Freddie Freeman and Dan Uggla. The next batter, Chipper Jones, had two balls thrown inside, to the point where Zambrano was headhunting. Umpire Tim Timmons ejected Carlos and he headed to the locker room. Zambrano then cleaned out his entire locker, left the stadium and told reporters he is considering retirement. At the time of this writing the Cubs aren’t even sure where Zambrano is (maybe he’s actually doing the Cubs a favor here).
This is some amateur shit. I can understand having passion, but man the f*ck up. Taking your toys and going home is complete bullshit and unacceptable. Zambrano deserves a punch in the face for being a quitter and a pussy.
Cry Meter
This is an interesting one. “Big Z” is three inches taller than me and has at least 30 pounds on me. I’m clearly at a disadvantage here. Also, unlike clowns like Mike Schmidt and Bud Selig, he’s younger than me. In saying that, even though he has a fiery Latin temper, he takes his aggressions out on plastic jugs that hold electrolyte-infused sugar water. Being he’s a quitter he also gains tears. I’m thinking one good shot in the jaw he’s not going to come back at me but look for something inanimate to destroy. He gets 6 out of 10 teardrops
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