Best Sports Names

Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), I have a very warped sense of humor and most of the time some of the dumbest things make me laugh.  I might get strange looks from people, but f*ck ‘em, it entertains me and that’s what counts.  I guess it’s what happens when you have the maturity level of a 12-year-old boy. 

One thing that really entertains me is people’s names.  I was in the mortgage industry for 15 years (until I decided to steal my soul back and join the revolution), and one of the things that got me through some days were reading some of the names on people’s loan applications.  People give their kids some stupid names and while it sucks for them, it entertains others.  In sports it’s no different, intentionally done or not, there have been some great and fitting names in the world of sports.

Antonio Bastardo

The current Phillies closer, former set up man, and former middle reliever has been on my radar for a long time.  When he was a standout starter in the minor leagues I prayed every day he would make it to the majors just so I can get a Bastardo jersey; I was ecstatic when he made his Major League debut.

Tony Bastard never disappointed and is becoming a fan favorite in Philadelphia.  The fact he’s good is only a bonus.  Bastard is a perfect name for a player on a Philadelphia team.  While I don’t have his jersey as of yet, I do have a Bastardo tee shirt (the only one I’ve seen to date).

Dick Pole

Damn I love this name and can’t say it without laughing.  When you’re name is Dick Pole, you’re better off playing pitch and catch with Sindy Coxx, not the Boston Red Sox.  Judging by his career 25-37 record with a 5.05 ERA, I might be on to something.

No worries Dick.  You might have had a shitty career, but you have one of the top five names in baseball history.

Razor Shines

When I hear the name Razor Shines, I think of a gang member in the M-13, not a former backup first baseman for the Montreal Expos.  While it’s not entire funny and I don’t laugh when I hear it, it’s still very entertaining and quite frankly might have extended his short lived career (come on, announcers had to love when Razor Shines came to the plate).

Thanks to Razor’s mom, for providing us with such a good name for your son that we ignored his god awful offensive statistics...

Dick Trickle

The second Dick of the list might be the toughest sonavabitch around.  Dick was so hard core in his race car he had a cup holder so he could drink coffee during the race (probably to get rid of the whiskey cobwebs from the night before), and had a hole drilled in his helmet so he could smoke.  Lest not forget, his name is Richard and he chose to go by Dick.  Rich or Rick weren’t good enough for such a bad ass like himself.

Aside from having one of the best names of all-time, he might be the toughest bastard in sports history.

Tony Suck

Sure you probably never heard of him, but Tony Suck did, indeed, exist.  He played baseball for two years in the late 1800’s (if you don’t believe me, look it up).  Unfortunately with a name like Suck you’re destined to fail.  In two seasons Suck sucked, batting a whopping .151.  And modern day fans think Mario Mendoza sucked. If .200 is the “Mendoza” line, maybe .150 should be the “Suck” line.  I mean .200, .150, we’re really splitting hairs here, they both Suck.

So even though Tony sucked, 130 years later he’s being discussed on The Riot!  For that you are saluted.

Kaka

Those crazy Brazilians…  While Kaka isn’t his real name (that would be Ricardo Izecson dos Santos Leite), to be nicknamed after a phrase two-year-olds tell their mom’s after they soiled their diaper is brilliant.

The one fitting thing about Mr. S**t is he’s one of the best soccer players in the world, so I guess he might be the s**t.  Still, it’s funny watching these soccer dorks rocking jerseys with “Kaka” on the back.

Johnny Dickshot

If I was in the porn industry this would be my stage name.  His six seasons in Major League Baseball amounted to nothing except a good laugh for baseball fans.

“Money” (my own personal nickname for him), gave himself the nickname “The Ugliest Man in Baseball”.  No worries for “Money”, with a last name like Dickshot, he wasn’t hurting for a date.

Chubby Cox

If my last name was Cox, I’d too go by Chubby.  The problem would be I’d just end up disappointing the ladies in the end.  So for Kobe’s uncle to go by “Chubby” is him just bragging.  No one likes a braggart Chubby.

Good thing Chubby had something to fall back on.  His 29 career NBA points didn’t exactly make him Wilt Chamberlain.

Rusty Kuntz

Every joke has probably already been told about Rusty, so I’m just going to say if you’re looking for Rusty Kuntz they can be found in nursing homes through out the United States.

Misty Hyman

My mom once told me “No hyman, no diamond.”

Pete LaCock

Is there a better name for a Spanish porn star?  When your first and last name are slang phrases for dick, with a “the” in the middle, you’re doing something right.  Sporting a John Holmes moustache only adds to the look.

Too bad his name couldn’t help him hit a curve ball.

Dick Butkis

When your name is “Dick Butt-Kiss”, your not one to be f*cked with.  Granted, Dick Trickle will take him down in a heartbeat; but nonetheless, if you laugh at his name to his face, you might feel his d**k and there will be a butt kiss involved.  Regardless it’s a damn funny name.

Moe Mantha

Chris has gone over this before; this is just a funny name.  Moe is a great name in general.  I’m a little upset my parents didn’t bless me with such a fantastic name.  Then there’s Mantha.  It sounds like a sea creature.  Maybe I’ll see a Mantha on the beach today. 

The greatest defenseman in JCHL history.  We love you Moe Mantha.

Ron Tugnutt

I’ve been known to tug a nut or two in my time, but never advertised it.  But if it’s your last name it’s your God given right and should be proud to tug a nut whenever and wherever possible.  This could be why he was always late getting back on the ice after an intermission.

Also, there’s something great about the name Ron.  Not sure what it is but it makes me laugh.

Ryan Theriot

Okay, there’s really nothing funny about Ryan Theriot, except he’s THE official Riot! athlete.  When your last name is “The Riot”, we at The Riot! must bow down to you. 

Ryan, we’re still going to get that interview out of you.

Did I miss anyone?  Find my humor lame (I know I do).  Hit me up at shatmeself@yahoo.com and tell me where I want wrong.  I’m still trying to figure it out myself.