Okay so they are already here but I had to get your attention some way. Thursday was opening day for the 17th annual X-Games. I was lying on the couch and caught about 10 minutes of BMX, before changing the channel. That got me thinking, who really gives a s**t about the X-Games? I mean I’m not opposed to it and if I’m channel surfing I’ll give it a look for a bit but I’m not going to go out of my way to watch it. Actually outside of 15-year-old skater kids, who really gets excited about the X-Games anymore?
Besides, what is so “EXTREME” about the X-Games? Maybe 15 years ago when skating and BMX weren’t mainstream, but now they’re an Olympic sport. Is there anything EXTREME about Mary Lou Retton? I don’t think so. And with all due respect to Shaun White, while he might be talented there’s nothing EXTREME about him. He’s nothing more then a guy who whores himself out on sponsorships and dreams to be on a Wheaties box. Sorry Shaun, there’s nothing EXTREME about that.
After reading Chris’s take on the X-Games in Wednesday's “How It Went Down," it got me thinking. How can we improve the X-Games to make them more EXTREME? Maybe the pussification of the X-Games is why no one cares. So I have some ideas of some new “EXTREME” sports that might actually make the X-Games more interesting to watch.
Porcupine Toss
The PETA people aren’t going to like this one but those assholes need a sense of humor anyway. Set in the theme of the childhood game Hot Potato, 10 x-gamers stand in a circle but instead of a hot potato the contestants are tossing a porcupine. Not just any porcupine though. This porcupine is locked in a cage, has not been tested for rabies, and hasn’t been fed in three days. It’s likely the little bastard is going to be quite salty.
So each contestant passes the pissed off porcupine around the circle avoiding getting stabbed with a quill, scratched, or bit. But you don’t want to be the guy who drops the porcupine. Attached to the prickly prick is a small charge of C-4 explosives that will blow upon impact. So if you drop him you better duck and cover, otherwise you’re not just out of the game but out of lives.
Indian Dick Wrestling
This game is still in the works but is a spin-off of the ancient Apache game known at “Buffalo Pole Flying Snake”, arm wrestling, and thumb wrestling. All I can say is it involves two dicks, and Indian (Chief Firewater, not The Dot), two midgets, a pit of hot coals, and the Eddie Murphy hit “Boogie In Your Butt”.
Tricycle Vert
This one is pretty self-explanatory. Each x-gamer must drop in a standard half-pipe with hopes for big air. There are a couple catches. The tricycle cannot be modified. It must a standard red tricycle that you rode as a kid. Feet must be on the wheels at all time while in the half-pipe (if they’re getting big air they can do as they wish). Oh, and pads aren’t allowed. Pads are for pussies…
Big Wheel Demolition Derby
Who didn’t like riding a Big Wheel as a kid? When I was six-years-old it was the shit. So we’re going to old school on this one. In a dirt pit there are 25 contestants on Big Wheels. Once the whistle blows a standard demolition derby ensues, except you can ride your Big Wheel forward (unlike reverse in standard demolition derby).I know what you’re thinking. In regular demolition derby a winner is crowned when there is only one car running, but these are plastic toys, how can they stop running? Here’s the catch. Attached to each Big Wheel is a small explosive. It’s in a different spot on every Big Wheel and the contestants don’t know where it is. Once it’s hit though the big wheel will explode like a ’78 Pinto in a rear end collision.
Extreme Curling (AKA Big Air Stoning for those in the Mid East)
This is for our X-Gamers north of the border because of their love of Curling and the first team sport. The extreme version is a slightly different. Instead of having the rock being slid down the ice, one participant throws the rock toward the “target”. The sweepers still remain, but instead of sweeping the ice, their job is to hold the “target”. The “target” is a player on the opposing team. Points are awarded as follows:
Head Shot – 3 Points
Chest Shot – 2 Points
Balls Shot – 5 Points
Leg Shot – 1 Point
Should a player on a team leave due to injury, his team will forfeit and all players on his team get rocks thrown at them for 10 minutes by the audience.
The first team to 21 wins the game and matches are best two out of three.
Extreme Hackie Sack
This game is pretty simple. Take your standard game of hackie sack, but make it a circle of eight with elimination. Should the sack hit the ground the participant just picks it up and restarts the circle. Sounds easy right? Not for your average sack pounder. Elimination goes as follows:
Once a participant says “dude” or “bro” (or “brah” for that matter), or if a participant references The Grateful Dead, Phish, Pearl Jam, Dave Matthews Band, Bob Marley or a drum circle they are immediately removed from the circle and tazed on the spot.
The average time of this game is under five minutes.
Extreme Frisbee
Who doesn’t like Frisbee? It’s a great beach activity or something to do on a Sunday afternoon in the park. But x-gamers want it EXTREME! So let’s make Frisbee EXTREME. Every five inches on the Frisbee will be a razor blade. This should work out to about 4 razors per disc. You best know how to catch because one false move you can lose a digit.
There really is no winner with this event. It’s just a couple choads throwing a Frisbee for 10 minutes losing fingers. It’s strictly entertainment for the fans.
Extreme Golf
If you’ve seen Caddyshack II (possible the worst sequel to a comedy ever made, mainly because Jackie Mason really isn’t funny), you know what I’m talking about. Contestants play a round of golf, but as they approach the hole there is a goalie. Once a shot is made the goalie goes after the ball should they choose. Instead they can go after the golfer and beat the shit out of him until the ball stops rolling, but he’s taking the chance the ball might land in the hole.
Winner is determined by standard golf practices.
Minefield BMXMinefield BMX is already huge in Vietnam and parts of Pakistan. Minefield BMX is a standard downhill bike race except the track is in a minefield. Riders will have a choice to go down different paths, with most being short cuts. But are the landmines on the shortcut? Or could they be on the regular path? This is where extreme goes to a new level. Should a rider hit a mine, the obvious happens.
Only real extreme x-gamers have the coconuts for this game.
SIDEBAR: There has yet to be a winner in any Minefield BMX race in Vietnam or Pakistan. It’s a form of punishment for stealing and doesn’t involve a BMX but a pair of sandals and a blindfold.
Kamikaze Skating
Personally I think this can really take off. Inspired from the Japanese invasion on Pearl Harbor. It goes down like this:
Each skater is required to smoke two joints while listening to “Smoked Two Joints” by Sublime. From there each skater then will ride there board down a ramp attempting to jump a pile of bricks. Here’s the catch, there’s no way they’ll ever clear the bricks, so they will continuously go face first or kamikaze themselves into a pile of bricks.
The winner of this event is me because I’ll laugh my ass off.
Extreme Musical Chairs
Remember musical chairs as a kid? Well this is the same premise with EXTREME consequences. Each participant will walk around a line of chairs to the song “Walk The Dinosaur” by Was Not Was. Upon the music stopping, x-gamers will scramble and knock the shit out of each other for the remaining seats because they don’t want to face the consequences.
Should you be the odd man out? You’re forced to play Russian Roulette with Mario Lopez, Anthony Michael Hall, Zach Braff, or Michael Stipe (which is a win-win). The referee for Russian Roulette will be Christopher Walken dressed in his outfit from The Deerhunter.
Okay… All of the above EXTREME games have been said in jest and to hopefully let people realize the X Games is everything but EXTREME. In all seriousness there is one sport I do think would be a good addition to the X-Games and I know it would make me watch. That is the sport of Roller Derby.
Here at The Sports Riot! we have professed our love for roller derby and will continue to do so. It’s making a huge comeback and really deserves more exposure then it currently gets. Derby is as EXTREME as it gets and I guarantee the derby girls can kick the shit out of those pansy BMX douchers, and they are much better looking.
Besides, what would any heterosexual man prefer to watch? Some clown in a half pipe, or hot chicks tackling and checking each other? If you even had to think about that I’m questioning your manhood.
So what do you think of The Riot! X-Games? Any personal additions? Let me know. Hit me up at shatmeself@yahoo.com and we’ll discuss it here on The Riot!
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