Punch In The Face List - Wes Helms and Brian Sanches

Originally when I began writing this, I specifically wanted to reserve this space for Cardinals manager Tony La Russa.  That man has always gotten under my skin, but I’ll save that for a later date.  He’ll do plenty more to piss me off.

In this installment I’m choosing to make an exception and give it to two former Phillies, who are now current teammates in South Florida.  Those two players are Marlins pitcher Brian Sanches, and infielder Wes Helms. 

I know you are reading this saying “who?”  Well let me give you some background.

Sanches spent the first two years of his career in Philadelphia.  A former second round pick by the Royals he was a highly regarded pitching prospect in the Phillies organization.  Like most Phillies pitching prospects in the early 2000’s they never panned out.  In over two seasons Sanches appeared in 30 games.  He finished his Phillies career 1-1 with a 5.75 ERA, with 25 walks in 36 innings and the ever so stingy 1.694 WHIP (by stingy I was being sarcastic).  After being a mop-up pitcher, he was released after his second season in Philadelphia and went on to suck more in Washington.

Helms was signed prior to the 2007 season to be the Phillies starting third baseman.  It was a terrible signing by the Phillies as Helms was a big ball of suck.  His .246 average with 5 home runs and 39 RBI’s weren’t what the Phillies were expecting and he ended up spending a lot of time on the bench while studs like Abe Nunez and Greg Dobbs got to see some action (by studs I was being sarcastic).  After the season Helms was sent packing and continued his suck-fest in Florida.

But just because they donned the red pinstripes and sucked isn’t the reason why they deserve a punch in the face (well maybe, but if that’s the case my punch in the face list might be never ending).  The reason is because they’ve acted like whiny pussies.

Last week the Marlins had to have three “home games” moved to Seattle because U2 rented out Sun Life Stadium for a string on concerts.  The Marlins lost two of three to the Mariners, and clearly it was U2’s fault.

Helms was quoted as saying “U2 is making our life harder.”  How Wes???  Please elaborate.  Wait, I’m guessing you were thrown off by playing in your home whites in front of a crowd that was more than 7,000 people.  Damn you U2, people are actually watching the Marlins play. 

Wes, I’m sure it was U2’s fault you went 0 for 5 in the series.  I’m also sure it’s U2’s fault you only started one of the games (the one you guys actually won, no thanks to your 0 for 4 line score).  I’m sure it’s Bono’s fault that you’re season average sits at .207.  Maybe it’s not U2 making your life harder, maybe it’s because you suck and lack talent.  Jackass…

Sanches apparently didn’t feel that U2 was making their life harder, but since the Marlins were so gracious to move their home games to Seattle (because you know it was the players call on that one), but that Bono himself OWED the Marlins for this inconvenience.

Sanches told the Boston Globe “that it would only be fair if Bono gave all the players backstage passes every time they played in each player’s home city.”   Is he out of his f*cking mind?  Look Brian, you cheap son of a bitch, you make enough money to go out and buy your own tickets and maybe if you had a set of tits (based on your whining, you and Wes already have a vagina), you can probably get backstage.  Insisting you should be entitled to a lifetime supply of backstage passes is an express route to NOT to get back stage.  Another Jackass…

Don’t get me wrong, I hate Bono.  I think he’s a self-absorbed pompous asshole, who he himself deserves a punch in the face, but if he wants to punch both these guys in the face as well he has my full support (SIDEBAR:  At the time of this writing the Phillies beat the Marlins 14-2.  Sanches allowed six runs on seven hits and three walks over three innings. Helms didn’t play.  I’m sure this is Bono’s fault as well.  We’ll await to see what Sanches demands now).

Cry Meter

Helms is clearly a pussy who likes to blame others for his own incompetence and lack of talent.  For a good shot in the face he gets a 9 (out of 10).  He’ll cry like a little bitch.

Sanches isn’t much tougher, but he has entitlement issues.  He gets a 7 (out of 10).  He’ll definitely cry but after he’s finished crying he’ll insist he should be allowed to bang my girlfriend anytime he’s in Philadelphia.