Competitive Eating: A Sport?

I hope everyone had a great weekend.  There were definitely no complaints on my end.  From seeing live music, to going to a birthday barbeque, to some straight out relaxing, I surrounded myself with those I care about. I probably drank more than I should have, but it’s a holiday weekend, and I’m good looking, so why not.

Well yesterday I was sitting at Rays enjoying a beer with my buddy and on the TV was the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest.  I remember going with my family as a kid.  It was mainly a local contest in Coney Island and it amused me, but boy times have clearly changed.

ESPN provided the coverage for the contest and it was nothing but a goddamn circus.  I’m not ever sure where to begin to dissect the sport they call “MLE” or Major League Eating.

First let’s start off with the obvious.  This in no way is a sport.  Eating is a necessity.  A necessity is something you do in order to survive.  Using the logic these assholes came up with who run the MLE, drinking water should also be a sport.  Competitive eating constitutes as overeating, which is nothing but gluttony.  The last time I “competitive ate” I was probably in the fifth grade and I we had a contest who can eat our slice of tasteless square cardboard pizza the fastest, and the winner got the losers cup of jello (SIDEBAR:  I wonder if school lunch has gotten better since I was in school.  I imagine in the past 19 years the slop they served, which barely met FDA health standards, has to be better then the shit they served me.).  Even at the ripe old age of 10 I felt like an asshole shoveling crappy pizza down my gullet.

Now let’s look at ESPN’s less than spectacular coverage.  Now I’ll say in their defense with a contest that lasts all of ten minutes long they have to fill the time with something, but there has to be better then the crap they were throwing out there.

They started by showing a recap of the First Annual Women’s Hot Dog Eating Contest (nothing gets my motor running than some broad chowing down on hot dogs like she’s in a gangbang).  That contest must haven’t been too important because they only shown about two minutes worth of highlights along with a 30 second interview with the winner.  If anyone cares the winner’s first name was Sonja (I didn’t actually care enough to remember her last name).

Followed by that were tips from these “professional” eaters, giving different techniques to the Youth of America (if I had a kid and he wanted to be a competitive eater, I’d pray he/she got an eating disorder).

The basic rules of the eating contest followed as well as a recap of last year’s event, as well as the World Championship Belt (which looked like something I made out of tin foil when I was a kid wrestling in my backyard).

Then came the introductions.  This actually to absurdity to an entire new level.  The announcer, who was a cross between a poor man’s Michael Buffer and the understudying ringleader for Ringling Bros.  This is when competitive eating looked more like the WWE and lost whatever legitimacy the MLE had.  Prior to each eater’s introduction, a shit-talking bio was announced, and then they ran onto the stage.  These competitors just aren’t binge eaters; they are also real bad dressers who come out in outlandish outfits, jumping up and down like Apollo Creed.  At this point I laughed so hard beer almost came out of nose.

Oh, one thing I forgot to mention about these “competitors”, is aside from their outfits, little dances, and bullshit biographies, they also all have nicknames.  Yeah, f*cking nicknames…  Here are some of the more well known eaters:

Joey “Jaws” Chestnut

This asshole is ranked #1 in the world and actually looked the most normal (I bet he gets all the groupies), and won the event yesterday (I think it was his fifth year in a row).  I’m not sure how many hotdogs he managed to deep throat because I care about that as much as I do that Casey Anthony trial, but I’m sure it was more then a young boy in a Turkish Bathhouse on a Friday night.  By the way, “Jaws” as a nickname?  I knew someone nicknamed “Jaws” once, but she earned that nickname for sucking down numerous things with dudes under a boardwalk.

Patrick “Deep Dish” Bertoletti

If this guy’s job wasn’t slobbering down food in under 10 minutes, he’d be the #1 ranked douchebag in the world.  They call him “Deep Dish” Because he is from Chicago (which means he’s probably a Cubs fan and already a loser).  This choad sports a mohawk, handlebar moustache, a headband, aviator glasses, while wearing headphones.  Oh and his introduction went as follows “American born, Italian by last name, and Irish by the Grace of God, please welcome Patrick ‘Deep Dish’ Bertoletti”.  Need I say more?

Tim “Eater X” Janus

If anyone wanted to know what happened to The Ultimate Warrior, now you know.  He traded suplexes and elbows, for rocky mountain oysters and hotdogs.  Seriously, what the f*ck does “Eater X” think he’s doing with all that shit on his face.  He really looks like an asshole.  I’m willing to venture Janus didn’t get laid much in high school.  He currently paints his face and shoves bull balls in his mouth at a rapid pace.  Imagine what he was doing in high school.

Erik “The Red” Denmark

Jesus, tell me this assbag doesn’t model his look after Johnny Knoxville.  “The Red” is a failed golfer who instead of getting a real job decided to eat for a living.  His claim to fame (aside for oozing douchbaggery), is eating 14 pounds of shrimp in 12 minutes.  Aside from wishing he was driving instead of Ryan Dunn (too soon?), I don’t know what else to say.  I just couldn’t get over this douchers picture.

Kids, don’t go into competitive eater.  It’s stupid, .not a sport, and you’re sure as shit not an athlete (and expanding your stomach in that short time span cannot be healthy).  If this is honestly considered a sport, I want to be a competitive chain smoker…