Sport or No Sport Part Deux

With the success of the original “Sport or No Sport” I’m thinking a sequel is in order.  There’s a ton of sports out there outside of the four major sports in North America, and I’ll continue to go over them and upset people when they find out their favorite activities really aren’t sports; just ways to pass time.

Roller Derby

Roller derby was really popular in the 70’s; to the point where movies were made about it (most notably “Kansas City Bombers” that starred Raquel Welsh).  Then roller derby fell off the face of the earth for the better part of twenty years only to make a comeback in the 2000’s

In saying all this, roller derby is absolutely a sport.  In fact I’ll go as far as saying it’s the only female team sport (the WNBA is an abomination, and ladies ice hockey I find to be frightening).  Anytime there’s a bunch of broads on roller skates who are kicking each others ass with hip checks is a guaranteed sport in my book.  While I still don’t know all the rules I kind of find the whole concept of roller derby to be pretty hot.

Skiing

I dig getting my skiing on.  Winter weekends in the Poconos. When you hit the slopes during the day and in the evenings drinking hot toddies and listening to Ryan Adams is bitchin’.  In saying this, it’s not a sport but simply a winter leisure activity.  If I can hit the slopes half in the bag, wearing a flannel shirt and dungarees; there’s no way possible I can justify it as a sport.

People have given me the argument that it’s a sport because it’s dangerous and there’s a chance you’ll die.  There’s a chance I’ll get hit by a car and die while walking to get a hoagie too and that’s not a sport.

I will say it is an Olympic sport, but so are bobsled, luge, and biathlon (none of these are sports either).

Sorry Peekaboo Street…

SIDEBAR:  Trying to have a catch with a football while skiing isn’t a sport either.  It’s retarded and will end up with you hitting a tree (ask the Kennedy’s about that one).

Soccer

I’m not the biggest soccer fan.  I find the field to be too big and it lacks the action I desire when watching a sport, but I’ll give this one a thumbs up.  Any jackoff who runs back and forth on a gigantic field for 90 minutes, has to be in damn good shape (but normally not super intelligent).

The only thing I’m on the fence about soccer is if it wasn’t for third world countries and parts of Europe, no one would really give a shit about it.  While the World Cup is exciting for soccer and non-soccer fans, soccer in America is a full-scale abortion, and will never be on the level it is in other countries.  The MLS is full of Eurobags way past their prime and any talented American will soon go over seas to make real money.  Hell, that peckerhead Andrew Shue (from Melrose Place), was on the LA Galaxy for a couple seasons.

Another positive aspect of soccer is they have hooligans who raise hell.  That’s something you don’t see in golf.

Hurling

If you have never heard of hurling you have to check it out.  It’s completely f*cking insane.  Played primarily in Ireland, it’s like a combination of field hockey, soccer, and lacrosse.  Played with a hard ball (similar to a baseball), players can hit the ball off the ground or hit it like you would self hit a baseball as they try and score a goal.  The game is very physical with checking and getting hit with the “hurlee” (the hurling stick), is common.  Oh, did I mention you’re not allowed to wear pads?

Since there’s a good shot of a brain injury or getting impaled, I’m assuming the average hurling player isn’t a member of MENSA.  Even though, it’s definitely a sport.

Bicycle Polo

I’ve never heard of bike polo until yesterday when over a beer a friend of mine was telling me she was hosting a bike polo team from Milwaukee at her apartment.  This morning, she shot me a text and I met her to check out some of the matches and I found it to be totally rad.

Bike polo is played on a roller hockey rink and there are three men on each team.  The player’s feet can never touch the ground and they cannot lean on the boards or goal, serious balance is needed.  Should you touch the ground you have to go to your side of the rink and “tap in”.  You hit the ball (a standard street hockey ball), with a mallet, and try to score.  This is the type of sport that the X-Games SHOULD have.

That’s right I called it a sport because it absolutely is; much more then regular polo.

Body Building

No shot here folks.  A bunch of juiced up douchers, covered in baby oil, and more tan than Snooki; sitting around flexing is not a sport.  It’s something you’ll find in a gay bar on a Friday night prior to a game of grab ass.

Oh and ladies bodybuilding is a million times worse.  Dudes don’t want their lady to be able to kick their ass and look like a man.  It’s some repugnant shit.

Skateboarding

Skateboarding is not a crime!  It’s also not a sport.  It’s relatively on the same sports level as tennis. The difference being skateboard is a big leisure activity among potheads (along with watching cartoons, playing X-Box, and ultimate Frisbee, none of those are sports either).  I spent a lot of time in high school smoking blunts and riding a skateboard.  It got me a good amount of scabby knees, but never considered myself to be involved in the “sport of skateboarding”.  That’s just ridiculous.

Stock Car Racing

People in the south love them some NASCAR.  Give them a NASCAR race, a lukewarm case of Busch Light, and a bug zapper they’re in heaven (throw in a relatively attractive first cousin, it’s the ultimate first date).  There’s something about cars making left handed turns for three hours on end that makes it one of the most viewed sports in this country.

Even though all these drivers are doing is driving in circles, stock car racing is absolutely a sport.  Going 180 MPH while you’re three inches from the guy in front of you while there’s a driver on your ass is pretty damn impressive.  What’s more impressive is they are drinking water during every pit stop to hydrate, and yet they don’t pee until the race ends.

Also, when a driver like Dick Trickle (one of the greatest names in all of sports next to Dick Pole), had a hole bored into his helmet so he can smoke cigarettes while racing, it helps the case of NASCAR being a sport.

Noodling

I’m no pussy but I’ll be the first to admit, I’m not man enough to noodle.  Wait…  Let me amend that.  It’s not that I’m not man enough; it’s that I’m just smart enough not to noodle.  The act of catching catfish by sticking your bare hand in a catfish hole is asinine.  Aside from the fact it’s a lot easier to catch a fish with a rod and reel, there’s a decent shot you might lose your hand to a snapping turtle, alligator, or rabid beaver.  While you might impress your neighbors in the trailer park with tall tales of noodling, anyone with an IQ above 100 thinks you’re an asshole.

Noodling is not a sport for the following reasons:

-          Its illegal is most states that aren’t in the south.

-          It’s stupid.

-          Slang terms for noodling are catfisting, hogging, tickling, gurgling, and stumping.  Those terms sound more like slang terms for sodomy, not catching catfish (If someone approaches me in a bar and asks me if I want to go catfisting, I’m going home).

If I didn’t get to you’re favorite sport this time, don’t fret just check installment three.  Any requests?  Drop me a line at shatmeself@gmail.com, and I’ll be happy to give my two cents.