I have a standard morning routine. I wake up entirely too early (6:30 today, but at least I slept), grab a cup of coffee, then proceed to pace my apartment, chain smoking cigarettes, and thinking. This is how I plan my day. Strange maybe, and if I have a lady over it normally drives them up a wall but its how I roll. I think about what work I need to do for the day, and then I ponder my life’s stress. You know, the standard shit, bills, how I can get more money, bills, thinking what side gigs I can pick up, bills. Oh, did I mention bills? At that point I catch a shower, chain smoke some more, grab my laptop, and head to the bar for breakfast and writing.
Well this morning, I realized my life really isn’t all that bad. I’m not a congressman who sends pictures of his genitals to woman he meets on the internet, then lies about it, only to get caught in his lies and all of a sudden is the most apologetic man on Earth. (SIDEBAR: Ever notice how people are apologetic ONLY when they get caught? That’s when they realized they might have f*cked up and in hindsight they shouldn’t have done it. Funny how that works. It’s all crocodile tears and rainbows once they get caught. Maybe if theses jackoffs had a bit of dignity they wouldn’t have done it in the first place) I’m also not a former all-star baseball player looking at spending his golden years in the joint.
Former Mets and Phillies outfielder Lenny Dykstra’s life is in the shit. Last month the former all-star and “financial guru” was charged with 12 federal charges, including bankruptcy fraud. Nails might have been a “financial guru”, but he doesn’t know how to use a paper shredder (dumbshit).
Well now that the Feds had their turn to charge Lenny with 12 charges, the State of California wasn’t about to be outdone so they charged Nails with 25 counts (23 felonies), that pertain to fraudulently obtaining luxury cars and various drug charges involving cocaine, ecstasy, and human growth hormone.
When I first heard the announcement yesterday I was sitting at the bar and couldn’t believe the reaction from the people around me. They must have had a touch of the palsy because they were in shock as if Dykstra was an angel. They were too busy focusing on “Dude” or “Nails”, the centerfielder, not the person. Lenny’s been all about the booze, gambling, and women since jump street, and most recently a two-bit con man (based on these new charges).
If you actually doubt me look at Lenny’s party life. He was a member of the ’86 Mets who were notorious for parties filled with booze, blow, and bitches (the Three B’s to a good time). I don’t think Lenny was sitting alone in his hotel while Keith Hernandez and Darryl Strawberry were blowing lines off a whore’s ass.
Who can also forget in 1991 when he wrapped his Mercedes around a suburban Philadelphia tree almost killing him and teammate Darren Daulton (we’ll get in depth with this guy another time), leaving John Kruk’s bachelor party. Aside from that, as a member of the Phillies the stories of his gambling and partying in Atlantic City were legendary (he was living the dream). Oh, let’s not forget he’s good friends with Charlie Sheen (winning!), and we all know what a cherub Chuck is. Call me a cynic, but I don’t find it to be a stretch that police found cocaine and ecstasy in Dykstra’s home.
As for the HGH, he was mentioned numerous times in the Mitchell Report as well as Jason Grimsley’s affidavit.
The parties were just a tip of the iceberg when it comes to Dykstra. After Dykstra retired after the 1996 season he became a business man, opening a string of car washes in Southern California, and became a bigger scumbag, but it took a while.
In 1999 he was arrested for sexually harassing a 17-year-old employee. While charges were eventually dropped, that charge alone has scumbag written all over it. I’m currently 36 (which is the age Nails was when arrested), have loose morals, and even I wouldn’t consider hitting on a chick who’s not even legal. That’s pretty f*cking gnarly.
Lenny then hid his scumbag ways for the next 10 years (I’m guessing they were still there, just wised up a bit and kept it on the down low), and became a financial guru. He purchased and flipped homes for profit and was somehow an expert when it came to picking good stocks. He had his own article pertaining to stocks and was a regular on CNBC. When I saw this I was completely shocked because I always considered him to be a complete rube. Hell, in his player interviews he was fundamentally monosyllabic.
The wheels started falling off the Dykstra Dynasty in 2009. He had over two dozen lawsuits against him, and was buried in debt. His businesses were failing, homes he purchased to flip went ill-fated and the man who once was worth $58 million was living out of hotels and his car. The man who was on top of the world was now had a failing marriage, and age started to set in. Although he said with some investments he was able to live in an apartment and proclaimed a comeback, this is when the scumbag reared its ugly head.
In 2010 Dykstra was accused of writing a $1,000 bad check to an “escort”. Lenny had a nice evening with his lady of the night, but when it was time to settle up he was short on cash (but at least he had his checkbook). It’s pretty scummy to bounce a check to a hooker. She’s just trying to earn an honest living.
Not to go off topic, but real quick, who pays for a hooker with a check (aside from Jerry Springer)? I’ve never picked up a hooker, but if I felt the need to pay to get laid, it’s going to be a cash transaction. Do you really want that kind of paper trail tying you to an escort service? On the flip side, if I was the hooker I’m taking cash only and I want it up front. I’m pretty sure I’d probably feel the back of my pimps hand if I gave him a personal check at the end of my shift. It’s not like you’re buying orange juice.
In early 2011 Nails was accused of sexual assault by his housekeeper (how does he have a housekeeper when he’s bouncing checks to hookers?). Supposedly Nails wanted a weekly blow job from his housekeeper. The housekeeper, who didn’t want to lose her job, went along with the weekly slob knob, but eventually did go to the police. Hey, at least Lenny didn’t have to worry about writing a bum check.
See maybe I’m equally as scummy (or more so in hindsight), because if I’m banging the help it’s the nanny (providing they are legal, but we’ve already been over this). I don’t understand the housekeeper love. That housekeeper Arnold knocked up was a total pig. Something tells me Lenny’s housekeeper was probably on par with that, if not worse (if that’s possible).
And now we have come full circle. Last month Dykstra was given 12 federal charges, including bankruptcy fraud for destroying documents and reporting false debts.
As sarcastic as I’ve been and really want to continue to rip Nails for being a scumbag it’s actually a real sad story. He was on top of the world and now he’s just a sad shell of a man. Dykstra is currently in the Los Angeles County Jail being held on $500,000 bond.
Good luck Nails, I wish you the best.
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