Quick Takes

So due to my voice sounding like Harvey Fierstein has taken my body (what a bear), I am forced into using my fingers and type my takes this week.  I would normally being spewing this vocally, but here I am, willing to give this blogging thang a shot.  So without further delay, here are my quick takes.

*The Jets become more and more like the WWF every day.

What in theeee Sam-hell is happening in New Jersey?  So what, you’re about to be locked out.  That gives no excuse for this crap. Jets LB Bart Scott made an appearance and will continue to make appearances on Thursday nights “TNA” wrestling broadcast.  First off, I understand that Hulk Hogan and some other classic wrestlers are part of this “TNA” nonsense, but you had to join the B-league of wrestling?  I bet Ray Lewis gets on WWE, and he’s a murderer. LT would have never have done “TNA” wrestling.  Only “TNA” teenage hookers.  But that’s a different story for a different time.  Apparently, Bart Scott’s little tirade at the end of the Jets playoff win in Foxboro this year was an audition for a future career in wrestling. All I know is if Bart is in trouble in the squared circle, and Rex Ryan appears from under the ring and clocks Hulkster in the head with a chair, I’m team shopping next fall.

*Music Sucks!

So what is up with music these days? I was watching the Grammy’s, severe boredom had set in, and the award for record of the year came up.  And the winner is….Lady Antebellum with “Need you Now.”  Yay! Who the hell is Lady Antebellum? Are they a band that sings songs about the brain? No, that would be cerebellum? Is it Lady GaGa’s sister, spinoff artist? Apparently not.  What they are is some sappy, awful, country-pop music hybrid that makes me want to stab my ears first, so that agony stops, and then my eyes so I don’t even have to watch a-holes in 10-gallon hats pretend that country music is relevant. So, I digest the fact that this bullshit is the best song of the year in music, and I weep for music and what it has become.  Then the next morning it happened.  I woke up, and I was singing this song non-stop in my head.  I started to panic.  “Did Lady Antebellum pierce my cerebellum with their musical witchcraft? Am I doomed to hum easy listening country music in my head for eternity? Do I actually like this shit!? What song did this shit replace in my head?” Then it came to me. “Wait a second, I know that song.  Did I hear it somewhere else? I don’t listen to the radio.  Maybe in a grocery store or a fucking Hallmark? They always play shit like that in those gift stores.  Kinda guilt you into buying extra stuff for your lady with sappy music. It just was Valentine’s day, so I was card shopping and all that.” So I’m humming in my head, and humming in my head and I realize…..I wasn’t singing the dreaded Lady Antebellum tune.  I was, however, humming an almost equally grotesque, and equally puke inducing easy listening classic “Eye in the Sky” by none other than The Alan Parsons project.  The beginning of this tune kills, and is a sports arena staple, but the rest of it is just drek.  These 2 songs are almost identical at times.  And I know what you Lady Antebellum fans are going to say “you can do this with any song if you really try.” First off, kill yourself, painfully, for admitting you like this shit, and contributing to its successful existence. Secondly, I’m willing to admit that the music business can be incestuous at times when it comes to creativity and song writing, but when you rip off a chorus and a hook almost note for note, it goes beyond a coincidental, or an influential thing. You are stealing Lady….STEALING…from the great Alan Parsons. This is not in defense of the awfulness that is The Alan Parsons Project, giving progressive rock a bad name, and setting us back decades with their crap.  It is in defense of artistic integrity and Lady Antebellum’s lack of it.  And this just proves, YET AGAIN, (ex – Metallica loses to Jethro Tull in 1989 in the best Hard Rock Release category…..YUCK!)That the academy of music or whoever it is that chooses these winners, are hacks that clearly have no idea, what is good or bad in music.  If it was up to them, Rod Stewart, Michael Bolton, and Taylor Dayne would each put out a “best of the romantic 50’s” album, and they would be up for Album of the year next year.  I hope they all die! And furthermore, I hate to beat a dead horse here, and its name is Lady Antebellum, but is this as good as it gets in 2011? Who are the revolutionaries on the 2011 music scene?  I can’t remember the last influential rock band, or solo artist to emerge from nowhere. Muse is a good one, but do they rank with the Stones, or the Beatles, or G-N-R, or U2, Madonna, even Mariah Carey or Dr. Dre? I like Muse, but what is there “New Year’s Day”, or “Sgt. Pepper’s?” Is Lady Gaga the next Madonna? Something to think about kiddies.  In this revolution…we need tunes.  I’m tired of bringing them.

*Fighting makes everything better

I have said it in the past, and I will say it again…you add a fight to anything, and the entertainment value goes up exponentially. Let me prove it to you.  A wedding. Beautiful, spring day. 200 guests, sitting in a church, waiting on the bride.  Now what’s more entertaining? ENTERTAINING?

A)     Bride comes down the aisle, meets her husband at the end, vows are said, rings are exchanged, and happiness ensues. Or….

B)      Bride comes down the aisle to meet her husband, but at the end….she picks up a chair, and clocks him across the back Mr. Fuji style.  He falls in a heap.  Best man comes over to defend him, but bride-zilla blows blue smoke in his face, also Fuji style, and the father of the bride takes umbrage and puts the best man in a figure 4 leg lock.  The groom is out, best man is tapping out, and this is a far more entertaining scenario. 

I didn’t say it was a “better” scenario, but definitely more fun.  Here is my much belabored point. I was dying last Tuesday night, as you well know by now, with Strep Throat and other fine viruses, and for whatever reason with 600+ channels on my satellite dish, I landed on Speed Network.  And they had this “Top 10” show on.  I am a full blown sucker for “Top 10” shows.  I don’t know what it is about them, but it doesn’t matter what the topic is, I will watch it if it’s in a “Top 10” format. “Top 10 celebrity periods” where do I sign? Anyway, Speed Channel was showing the “Top 10” NASCAR moments.  So that days topic, “Top 10 NASCAR Feuds.”  AWESOME! Rednecks going at it, ON A RACE TRACK?  First off, let me say, that there are very few things in this world funnier than a dude hopping out of his car, and punching another dude through a window.  I wish this would happen in traffic, up the road from me.  It’s hilarious.  It’s even funnier when 1 guy hops out of his burning vehicle after causing a 17 car pile-up behind him, and going off on some other guy punching his own head to put the flames out. Did you know that the very first nationally televised Daytona 500 erupted in an all-out brawl between 2 of the stars of NASCAR at the time? By the time this “Top 10” was over, I was amped to watch a race.  I HATE NASCAR, but NASCAR fights are awesome.  Keep those coming, and you may open up to a whole new audience. I mean, think about how cool Hockey fights are. I know they’ve been trying to “clean up” the sport for decades now. You want to know the dirty little secret…they are never getting rid of fighting in hockey.  It’s not happening.  It’s the only thing that consistently gets on ESPN.  When the thugs with L’s for noses go at it on the ice, everyone watches for 45 seconds of bliss.  Where else can you get that kind of violent release, and not see someone cuffed and led away to jail? Al-Jazeera maybe? IDK.  Why do you think MMA is so popular?  Because these guys really show great technique when they nearly kill their opponent.  Think of who the most famous fighters in both boxing and MMA were.  Mike Tyson in boxing.  Why Tyson? In the grand lexicon of boxing greats, Tyson doesn’t rank really. Ali. Frazier. Foreman. Marciano. Louis. Just to name a few.  But MOST POPULAR? MOST WATCHED? TYSON! Why?  Violence.  When he hit a dude, that sucker was gone.  Trevor Berbeck still slurs when he speaks.  I remember in MMA’s infancy, Tank Abbot was a huge name.  I saw that guy hit someone so hard, he folded in half when he fell.  It was like one of the Top 10 sickest things I’ve ever seen. “The Top 10 sickest things Chris has ever seen” is on Crap TV, I need to go.

*The Oscars Suck Too!

Just sayin’.  I mean, it’s too long, it’s boring, and nobody has heard of half of these movies.  You know it’s a weak field when Colin Firth, who I think IS a good actor, wins an award for Best Actor and he was playing….British Royalty? HE’S A BRITISH ACTOR! When you don’t even have to fake the accent, should you win an award for acting British?  At that point, I think he’s just talking. Maybe I’m oversimplifying this with my impressive case of ZERO Oscars thus far, but like I said before….I’m just sayin’. I think they should shorten the show, just a little bit.  It ran roughly 3 and a half hours this year.  I say shave like 3 hours off that total and you have yourself a killer awards show. I mean, what awards do you really care about? Best Picture. Best Director, which I don’t get because if a movie wins Best Picture, didn’t the director do the Best job.  IDK seems logical to me. Best Actor and Actress.  Maybe best supporting Actor and Actress.  But that should really be it.  Do you really care who the Best cinematographer was? I wish they would have a back stage Oscars awards.  Like who delivered the best rolls and bagels to the sets this year. Which place provided the best shmear, you know.  Doesn’t that interest you a little bit more? Like I said before….I’m just sayin’.

*Taking on Tyson      

      

Ok, this is somewhat of a shock to me.  I’ve always known that Mike Tyson is….well….fucked up.  To put it lightly, he checked out a long, long time ago.  I believe either Cus D’amato, or Robyn Givens has his brain in a jar of formaldehyde somewhere, just waiting to be reclaimed.  He, oh God <uncontrolled laughter>he has a show coming out about him training and racing pigeons competitively. Mike Tyson handling a pigeon is like Lennie petting the mouse in “Of Mice and Men.” It’s both tragic, and hilarious.  The show premieres this week on Animal Planet, which I also find ironic because Tyson has been viewed as largely sub-human for some time now.  Let’s take a look, in of course my favorite format, the Top 5 Mike Tyson “Animal Planet” moments:

                5) The Rape in Indiana.  Just imagine Tyson trying to be slick before the attack, and then the look      in that animals’ eyes during.  Oh, terrible.

                4) When Buster Douglas knocked his ass out.  The picture of him trying to pick up his mouthpiece.  He looked like a big dumb animal.

                3) After defeating Brian Nielsen, Tyson said he wanted to fight then champ, Lennox Lewis, by proclaiming his desire the eat Lewis’s children.  Lennox Lewis has no children, and after this statement, Tyson praised Allah. Huh?  I didn’t know Allah was into to baby eating.  You learn something new every day.

                2) Leading up to the Lennox Lewis bout, a press conference was held.  Tempers flared, and in typical Mike Tyson sub-human style, he not only berated a female reporter by saying “I’m a real man. I’mma fuck you till you love me.” Then he reportedly bit Lennox Lewis on the calf. WTF?

                1)In one of the most shocking things I’ve ever had the pleasure of watching live on TV as it happened (that’s what live means), Mike Tyson went full animal and in the middle of having an ass beating administered to him by Evander Holyfield, he bit his ear, not once….but twice.  BTW, how dumb is the ref to let this shit continue after someone purposely gets bit the first time. I digress, Tyson bit Holyfield the first time and must have thought to himself, “that shit tastes like jerky, let’s do that again.” WOW!

So tune into “Taking on Tyson” this week on Animal Planet. Check your local listings; it ought to be a doozy.

*And now for some Riot! Math

11 batters + 18 pitches + Andy Sonnanstine = YUCK! (or 5 homers for those who use conventional math) Welcome to Spring Training Tampa.....it's going to be a long year.

….And now back to the show

*A Lonely Feeling

As if being a male cheerleader is not hard enough, especially in college.  I can’t even imagine what it feels like to be that full of shit for 2 to 3 hours at a time, for what like 30 games?  But now to do this as a male cheerleader, you have to be a real dummy.  In a matchup of conference rivals this week, Louisville held a 3 point lead late in OT when Kyle Kuric slammed it home for what appeared to be the icing on a 5 point victory for the Cards at home.  The Yum! Center erupted.  (Side note: Is there no more a perfect place in the world than Louisville, Kentucky, to have a stadium called…The YUM! Center.  In the middle of greezy, pork rind infested, sleeping with their sisters, eating mayonnaise sandwich eatin’ Kentucky? One of the fattest people I know…..from Louisville.)  So the stadium erupts thinking the victory had been sealed, and the game was in fact over.  It in fact, was not.  So when male cheerleader Jordan Alcazar, grabbed the ball after the dunk and launched into the stands, the refs were forced to call a technical foul on Louisville, because there was 0.5 seconds left on the clock.  Now, basketball officials in recent years have determined in both pro and college games that it takes at least 0.3 seconds to score a basket.  So with a 5 point lead, this would be a victory for the Cardinals, right?  Wrong.  If Pitt hits the now 2 free throws afforded them because of Tiffany’s miscue, they would also get a shot at an inbound and a quick 3 to tie.  Luckily for this Male cheerleader, the shot came up short and Louisville won the game. But we here at the Riot! are firm believers in getting yours and my God does he ever deserve it.  First off, for being a male cheerleader in the first place, and then being so clueless to touch the ball at all.  That’s why you have the pom-pom Mary, you suck with the ball remember.  Stick to “GIVE ME A C!” and leave the ball playing to the real men.  Thanks.

*And Finally…..

I was listening to Frank Zappa for the bulk of the time that I was writing this article, and it dawned on me that Captain Beefheart had died in December and I made no mention of it on this page.  So I will now.  Unfortunately for me, I did not come to know the musical stylings of one Don Van Vliet, or Captain Beefheart, until later in my life.  I was around 22 or 23 when I was introduced to this madman’s work.  And I hated it.  But as all things do when they are of a certain quality, his music grew on me.  And the more I looked into his music and lyrics, the more interested I became.  Now I’m not going to launch into a 17 page dissertation on the artistic ways of Captain Beefheart, but I urge you, if Avant Garde music or art is your thing, Beefheart was your guy.  Go online and check out his artwork, and his solo music, but I highly recommend his collaborations with Frank Zappa.  That’s what I’m most familiar with, and I hope you will be too.  RIP Captain Beefheart.