The 1st Annual Sports Riot! Fantasy Tournament Bracket Draft

March Madness is upon us, and it is time to dive head first into our brackets. It’s now an American ritual that for 3 weeks in March, we have our noses in our brackets, trying to figure out the most insane upsets, the most unlikely final four, and ultimately how you can win the dough in your office or friends pool. Well, here at the RIOT! we’ve decided that although we love the college tourney and will be elbow deep in brackets come next Thursday, we wanted to see a different type of tourney play out. Our own type of Tournament. So with that, we unveil the 1st annual, Sports Riot! Fantasy March Madness bracket. And we kick it off in typical RIOT! style, Sports Criminals. From petty larceny to murder. From DUI to rape, we will pit these athletic scumbags against one another in an all-out brawl, celebrity death match style. There will be winners, there will be losers….well, they’re all losers; but it’s up to you and the Gods of sport to decide who will come out victorious in this creep festival. Can a serial rapist defeat a murderer? Can a kid toucher take on a wife beater? That’s why they play the games! So analyze and pick your brackets wisely, because the one thing about March Madness, and douchebag criminals who are rich, that can’t be denied……you never know what is going to happen. Here now is coverage from yesterday’s bracket draft. Rounds 1-3 coming up….NEXT!

ROUND 1

With the first pick in the Inaugural Sports Criminals Tourney goes to the "Chris" Bracket. And they choose:

Mike Tyson (Rape/Assault) - Something about Mike Tyson intrigues me to no end. I mean, he looks like a bulldog. Short, squinty eyed no neck. But he fights like a pit-bull, and can't be stopped until you just whack him in the nose. This man is a dangerous one in this field. With the ability to strike quickly and often, he can take down anybody with one shot.....and he will "F$%K YOU TILL YOU LOVE HIM....PRAISE ALLAH." Ahhhh, classic Mike.

The "Jay" Bracket is on the clock.

The first pick for the "Jay" bracket will be:

Mel Hall (Kid Touching) - My personal dark horse, the former Cubs, Yankees, Giants and Indians outfielder is currently serving 45 years for sexual assault. Hall is the kind of guy who makes R. Kelly proud. Aside from a having sex with a 17 year-old, he also tapped the ass of a 14 & 12 year old. Mel took "grass on the field, play ball" to a new level. Not since Gordon Jump owned a bike shop on Different Stokes have I been proud of a child molester.

The “Ant” bracket is on the clock.

With the 3rd pick in the criminal bracket draft, the "Ant" bracket selects-

Rae Carruth (Straight Double Murder) - Rae Carruth of the Carolina Panthers. I'll take your sexual assault of several minors and raise you a pregnant wife and fetus. Nothing says a sure win like double murder.

The “Deb” Bracket is now on the clock.

With the 4th selection in the criminal draft, the "Deb" bracket selects -

OJ (Double Murder) - I can't believe he slipped this far. First off, anybody who's on this list TWICE needs to be a 1 seed just by default. You really are a world class A*hole if you make this list twice. In an A*Hole contest, OJ finishes 1st and 3rd. Not to mention, I'll take your murdered fetus, and raise you 2 murdered adults, and an all-time chase scene through LA. Not to mention that trial. OJ hands down. He's #1 overall for a reason folks.

Fast and furious action here through round 1, 2 of the top 4 seeds have gone off the board with Michael Vick, the 3rd overall seed, still sitting there with his dogs, and Barry Bonds with his lawyer, waiting to join the fray. Mel Hall, a sleeper pick; you’ve got to give those analysts over at the “Jay” bracket credit for the Gordon Jump reference that was just classic. OK, onto round 2.

ROUND 2

With the 5th pick in the criminal brackets, the "Chris" Bracket selects:

Barry Bonds (Perjury, being an A*Hole) - First, with a head that size...he's going to be hard to bring down. I mean, we've all seen the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, it takes like 25 to 30 guys to hold those giant, big headed floats, and they aren't swinging bats. Not to mention, when you can just bold faced lie to people about being on steroids, when the only proof we don’t have is a crusty needle, or someone seeing you shoot up, that has to play out well in the later rounds. Watch for Bonds to go DEEP....get it....in this one. "Splash"

The "Jay" bracket is on the clock.

With the 6th pick in the draft, I've got to go with-

America's Sweetheart, Michael Vick (Animal Cruelty) - Although a millionaire, Mike got back to his roots, founding the Bad Newz Kennels, which trained pit bulls for dog fighting. Some gambling and some dog killing (Poor little feller kept up for about a mile or so), led Mike to spend 18 months in Leavenworth. People still hate Vick, but I cut him some slack. It's not easy being a black man stuck in Kansas for a year and a half.

The “Ant” Bracket is on the clock

7th pick, a bit of a sleeper, I'll take my chances with-

America's real sweetheart, Ms. Tonya Harding (Assault/Bad Hair) - She took competition to a whole new level. It’s safe to say she took her best swing when she got her chance. She’s forever condemned the name Tanya for all women everywhere. Since her assault on Nancy, no woman named Tonya has made one friend (besides a 16 year old Tonya who befriended a hall of fame Linebacker from the New York Giants). In a greater twist, her assault and attempted murder actually made figure skating cool for a time. That is only a true champion could do.

The “Deb” Bracket is on the clock

With the 8th pick, the "Deb" bracket goes way outside the box and picks-

Miguel Cabrera (DUI/Big Brass Ones)- Anybody who has the brass cojones to take a swig of your whiskey, while being arrested for a DUI...now that is balls. It's that kind of killer instinct that could get you far in this tourney.

"Chris" bracket is on the clock.





WOW, some stunners in the 2nd round. Vick and Bonds were expected to go early, but Tonya Harding, with no mention of Jeff Gillooly, keep an eye out for that. And Miguel Cabrera a late edition to the pool with his arrest taking place only 2 weeks ago, things are really starting to heat up here in the back room at the business annex. Round 3 is on the way, with the “Chris” bracket stepping up to the podium.

ROUND 3

With the 9th pick, the "Chris" bracket goes to the world of WWE.

Chris Benoit (Murder/Suicide/Bad Teeth) This dude murdered his wife, his kids, and himself. IDK how he competes, being dead and all, but that might give him an advantage going further. A fictitious athlete granted, but one with very real potential in this tourney.

The "Jay" bracket is on the clock.

In the third round, I've decided to throw the wild card.

Lawrence Phillips (Assault/Battery/scum) The sixth overall pick in the 1996 draft oozes scumbag. Aside from knocking his knocked up girlfriend down a flight of stairs, this superhero decided to mow down some teenagers in a park after a touch football game gone wrong. Currently this superstar is serving 35 years for assault with a deadly weapon and slapping around his girlfriend. I wish I had this type of class with my bitches...

The “Ant” Bracket is now on the clock

Without further ado, I give you Big Ben.

Ben Roethlisberger (Attempted Rape…Twice) Twice has he been guilty of raping a drunken teen (nice work) BUT has gotten off Scott free. Ben's a real charmer. The kinda guy you want your douchey/ toolbag ex- girlfriend to get anal sandwiched between, involving oft accused domestic abuser Brandon Marshall. With any luck he'll have a go at Miley Cyrus next, knock her up and they'll record a duet, country song "it ain't rape unless they can hear you."

The “Deb” Bracket is now on the clock

The 3rd round has certainly provided some wild card picks, that is for sure. This one will be no different.

Jim Leyritz (Vehicular Manslaughter/attempted murder) although eventually acquitted, killed a dude while driving drunk. Not sure how he got away with this one. But after many years, and all his money, to fight the charge...he is now a free man. But that doesn't mean he didn't do it. With that type of escapability, you have to give him a punchers chance in any match up.


That wraps up the 3rd round of the criminal tournament bracket draft, and we are off to a bang up start. The murderers, rapists, and scumbags are being positioned to do battle in our arena here at the RIOT! complex. The battles will kick off in less than 2 weeks and with your help, we will crown the greatest, sleaziest, nastiest sports criminal of all time with the coveted Sports Riot! medal of honor. String with a bunch of soda caps on it. But they are old school caps. No plastic caps here, all class, all the way. So check back tomorrow for more of the draft, and for more in- depth analysis. It’s the RIOT! I’m going to see if that Miley Cyrus/Big Ben record came out yet. (singing) “it ain’t rape if they can’t hear y…..