So this weekend marked the halfway point of the NHL season, and the end of the NFL season with their annual all-star festivities. So I tried to watch this drek on Saturday night beginning with the NHL skills competition and then on Sunday with the NHL all-star game and the Pro-Bowl. Now let me just say that my overall opinion on all-star games have diminished greatly since I was a kid. When I was younger I used to love the all-star games in all sports. I don’t know if it was the spectacle of it all, the stars themselves, the highlights that were just waiting to happen, I don’t know, but it felt like an event. Now, it feels about as relevant as the WNBA. I would rather watch a professional water polo match, or Indian Dick wrestling.
So I’m sitting on my couch watching the stars of both the NFL and the NHL….and I’m bored. Scratch that, I WANT TO KILL MYSELF. The Pro-Bowl was so bad, I resorted to watching “Clash of the Titans,” the one with Russell Crowe. That wasn’t Russell Crowe? Anyway, I digress. So I started thinking of each leagues All-Star weekends and I’ve come up with some ways to make these experiences better for the fans, and give the athletes more to play for to make these things more like an actual competition.
NHL – So every year the NHL has a whole All-Star weekend. Complete with a skills competition, a rookie game and the actual All-Star game itself. The NHL has the right idea, and overall has the best All-Star experience. There skills competition is the most fun, and the game is always competitive. But this year, the skills competition felt like it was roughly 4 hours long, and the game was an 11-10 defensive struggle. So when 21 goals are scored in a game, it begins to get a bit ridiculous, don’t you think. So I think this is a good place to start.
1- Since 21 goals were scored in one game, we need to do something to motivate these goalies and the defense. I mean, it’s still hockey….F#%KING HIT SOMEBODY!!! So let’s take the goalies first. How about every time they let up a goal, we take one piece of equipment. So in this case, giving up 11 goals would cost you all but your jock essentially. Strip hockey….that’ll make him stretch for that top shelfer.
2- Now for the D, for every goal that the goalie gives up that is directly your fault, you have to wear the piece of equipment the goalie has to give up. Imagine Zdeno Chara with a goalie pad on, trying to take a slapper. Precious.
3- Just for kicks, every once in a while, have a steel cage drop down from the ceiling and trap players inside. Then spotlight them, and have Michael Buffer say “LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!” And then whoever is in the cage has to drop the gloves and duke it out until someone is dead, or they tap out. Hopefully, every once in a while, the cage will fall on someone, and trap them. Then not only are you fighting to win the fight, but to save a colleague. That’s the type of motivation we need here.
NFL – So the NFL Pro-Bowl…..WTF? Exactly when did defensive juggernauts like Ray Lewis and Darrelle Revis decide it was OK to stand around and let Michael Vick and Matt Ryan hang 51 points on them in one game. What kind of “lay down and die” mentality is that. It was like watching touch football in my backyard, with my children. Hit somebody for God sake. I mean they stand around, and just watch Vick run. Vick throw. TD after TD, and nothing. It is sad to see Ray Lewis just stand there and watch Michael Turner just run down the field. IT WAS 42-0 EARLY IN THE 3RD!!!!!! I’m calm now. So here are my solutions.
1- Have a skills competition….sort of. So since the NFL has decided to ignore every other league that does a skills competition, and just forgo what is definitely the best part of every all-star experience, we are going to make some different suggestions. Have a pass accuracy competition that resembles hot potato. Expect when you lose…..your hand blows off. How interesting would it be to watch Peyton Manning and Tom Brady tossing the ball back and forth……for there career. I know the hope is the ball explodes in between the 2, but what if you’re a Jets fan. You’re watching that with severe intensity. Have a RB competition where they have to lineup, and run plays against a Defense. Here’s the catch…..the defense are unfed Wolverines with rabies. And no not Michigan Wolverines……they can’t stop a nose bleed. (“CAN’T WAIT!!!”) And now, this one is actually fun I think. Have WR make diving catches like into water. Have a giant pool, and launch balls out over the water, and who ever makes the best catch, wins. I guess you could add some Great Whites to the water for extra motivation, but that is not necessary.
2- OK, onto the game itself. Whichever coach loses the Pro-Bowl has to coach in the CFL next year. Or the Michigan Wolverines….God they are bad.
3- For the 2nd and 4th quarters, they have to change positions. So WR’s and RB’s become O-linemen and the O-linemen become WR’s and RB’s. The Punter is the QB. That would make it very interesting. Tom Tupa would be a Pro-Bowl MVP.
4- Have there be an automatic QB. Like in the backyard, when you were a kid and only one kid could throw the ball well. It could either be the highest rated QB, or Joe Montana. Or who knows, if you make Brett Favre the automatic QB every year in the Pro-Bowl, maybe he’ll stay retired.
5- If a team goes down by a ton….like 42-0…..they can use the never-ending TD to try and get back into the game. They throw a flag at some point during an offensive series, and then they keep the ball until they are stopped. In other words, you get the ball, and score a TD, then start at the 1, and go the other way until they are stopped by the D. That stat line could be fun. “So here’s the drive summary. They scored 3 TD’s on 42 plays for 175 yards. 50 of which were on the ground.”
NBA – So the NBA All-star extravaganza is in 2 weeks, and this show is just a complete disaster. With a skills competition that has become just boring, and predictable, and a game that looks like the Knicks are playing the Knicks. Apparently the all-star teams run the Mike D’Antoni defensive philosophy…..None. So it would not be a stretch for the East to beat the West 175-170…..in regulation. So here’s what I have to fix this failed abortion.
1- Starting with the skills competition. Why not have a half court trick shot competition. Since they seem to be all the rage on youtube, have that be an event.
2- The dunk contest sucks. How many times do we need to see a f#$king windmill. And, Nate Robinson won this competition a few years back and he wasn’t even an all-star. WTF? So I understand the need for the dunk contest, fine. They should have to do a dunk program. Like figure skating. All in a timed format. You have to hit 5 elements, or you will get docked points. Either that, or just have the basket move up ever so slightly as he’s jumping to dunk the ball, and see if he can adjust.
3- The last and most important competition would be the traveling competition. Whoever can actually complete a lay-up or dunk, without travelling will be the winner. I’m willing to bet that some of these “pros” will lose in the “walk” competition. There could be graphics every time one of them “walks.” I see potential in this idea.
4- The game itself, well I really don’t see any help for this. Unless star players not named Kobe or Dwight start playing D, this game will continue to be 175-170 late in the 4th. I don’t think it can be helped.
My head hurts. I will tackle the MLB all-star festivities in July sometime. I can’t possibly tackle that atrocity while I’m stuck right in the middle of this one.
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