....and now for something completely different

So Monday night I, your fearless leader, took a break from my regularly scheduled life to take my wife to an event in Oakland, California. What event you ask; none other than the pop-music stylings of Katy Perry (you know the uber-gorgeous singer who brags about kissing girls and liking it). Now let me address the elephant in the room that prompted Jay to ask, “what the hell are you doing at a Katy Perry concert?” Like I said, the wife is a fan, and who could go wrong when making one gorgeous woman happy by taking her to see another gorgeous woman sing and prance around the stage all night; it’s your standard win-win situation.

So with that being said let me briefly say a few things because I know you practitioners of Advanced Fandom are having a hard time being off book here. So here it goes.

1-     Katy Perry is hands down one of the Top 5 most gorgeous women I’ve ever seen in person.

                       5) Scarlett Johannssen

                             4) That chick I met at my friend Katie’s choir camp in ’96 (I think her name was Alex)

                              3) Katy Perry (maybe up close and personal may have brought her to 2)

                              2) Jay’s mom (she was legendary in the ‘hood)

1)      my wife (brownie points).

2-     Despite all of the sugary pop goodness that Mrs.Brand produces for the masses, she showed during this show not only to be a great performer, but a real musician. She went out and did a whole tune with just her and an acoustic guitar and did it flawlessly. Let’s see X-Tina or Britney do that.

3-     She’s a real musician on top of being a sexy, gorgeous, pop sensation, that is true, but she’s also hilarious and just flat out cool. I know most of you guys out there see her as this teeny bopper who is only loved by those 16 and below, but I’m here to tell you that you can love her too. Just tap your foot to the music and watch her go. She’s kind of dark at times, sarcastic and just downright hilarious. With lines like “he had kids with that ugly bitch. Oh, I shouldn’t talk about my sister like that” when introducing a song, she showed a comedic flare that is refreshing. You’re not getting that out of Lady “I take myself entirely too seriously” GaGa.

4-     Finally, and most importantly, she seems to really love and appreciate her fans and as a practitioner of Advanced Fandom, I can appreciate that. I wasn’t a fan when I arrived at this show, and you won’t catch me jamming to “California Girls” anytime soon unless it’s David Lee Roth (you can’t deny that ass clown) but I felt like I was glad to have been there and she was happy to have me.

Overall an amazing production, the stage show and performances from dancers to musicians and singers, to KP herself, it was a joy for all involved. I totally understand why Katy Perry fans love her, she seems like the genuine article.

Top 5 Moustaches of All-Time in Sports

Well we’re balls deep into Movember and the facial hair is no longer limited to dirty hipster kids.  If you’re unaware what Movember is, every year during the month of November men do not shave and grow out that wonderful facial feature made famous by 70's porn stars and Burt Reynolds; moustaches.  The reasoning behind it is to raise awareness for prostate cancer (moustaches and facial hair are pretty manly).  Chris hasn't shaved since August, so he's got some caveman shi*t going on and I myself haven’t shaved since the first. Although I don’t have a moustache I am sporting some facial patches that are intended to be a beard (damn I’m smooth).   Maybe on Thanksgiving I’ll shave it into a dick duster of my own, but for now I’m quite content with my sketchy beard.

In sports players love to express themselves and facial hair is one way they do so (except if you’re on the Yankees and are tied to the stupid Steinbrenner no facial hair rule).  So what would be better to honor Movember then a Top 5 of the best moustaches in sports?

5 – Keith Hernandez - “The John Holmes” – This was a toss up between Hernandez and Don Mattingly.  Both players graced New York with some fine moustaches in the 1980’s, but I gave the edge to Hernandez because he still sports the ‘stache.  Straight out of a late 70’s porno, Keith saw John Holmes and raised him a better moustache.  Hernandez’s moustache was so well groomed, the moustache itself could have won an MVP award.  What's not to like about this moustache? Except for the fact that I’m sure it got in the way when he was blowing lines off a stripper’s ass (the ‘stache’s namesake John Holmes had the same complaint).  That being said, if the moustache was good enough for Elaine, it’s good enough for me.

4 – Dave Babych - “The Don’t F*ck With” – Babych’s moustache is so legendary, there are hockey blogs named after it and Facebook fan pages devoted to it  Thick and bushy, this patch of hair just didn’t make Babych look bad-ass and kept him out of bar fights, it also helped him block shots.  If you ever encounter anyone with this moustache, keep them at arm’s length as they can snap at any time.  They are ones not to be f*cked with (hence the name of the ‘stache).  They can be found at local bars in the Midwestern United States and Canada, NASCAR races, and state fairs.  If you should encounter one, do not feed them whiskey.  It only aggravates the moustache which only makes matters worse.

3 – Sal Fasano – “The Stitches” – If it wasn’t for Fasano’s bitchin’ moustache he would have been out of baseball five years ago.  The perennial backup catcher who can’t hit his weight had an advantage for any runner trying to score from second.  Before rounding third, they had to think twice about the ‘stache.  He’s not the only one sporting a “Stiches” (because it’s shaped like stitches on a baseball), but he also had the balls to sport a mullet that would make Kenny Powers jealous.  Similar to “The Don’t F*ck With”, the combination of “The Stiches” and a mullet can be dangerous.

2 – Rollie Fingers – “The Greaseball” – Closers tend to wear facial hair in the style of the job they would have if they weren’t playing baseball.  Think about it.  Brian Wilson would be a pirate, Goose Gossage would be a carnie (specializing in moustache rides), and Jon Axford would (or possibly is)  be white trash.  This brings us to Mr. Fingers.  What would he be you ask?  Clearly he’s a greaseball organ grinder.  A ‘stache like that is waxed to a tee and would make any barbershop quartet jealous and any organ screaming to be grinded. 

This reminds me of an old joke.  Why does an organ grinder have a monkey?  Someone has to keep the books (I’m aloud to make Italian jokes since I’m a quarter Guinea).

1 – Lanny McDonald – “The Walrus” – This moustache speaks for itself and no words can give it proper justice.  I only can dream to have a moustache like Lanny (as well as that cool of a name).  I’ll go as far as saying that his moustache is so bad ass it should be in the Facial Hair Hall of Fame (along with the boys in ZZ Top).  That makes every Canadian proud.  Sure he loses some points for being a ginger (which means he also has no soul), but if you can find a better moustache in all the world of sports, feel free to let me know.

Honorable mentions:

Don Mattingly

George Parras

Dennis Eckersley

Dale Earnhardt

Did I leave anyone out?  Who is in your Top 5?  Hit me up at shatmeself@yahoo.com and we can discuss it.  Remember to follow us on Twitter @TheSportsRiot.  If you’re not following us you have a higher chance of getting cancer.

When Skip Meets Tebow

Holy Sh*t the world may just end. I think ESPN has finally jumped the shark on this one. They are taking a man's sport (football), a pretty tough athlete (Tebow) and a prominent personality on the network (Skippy Bayless) and setting them up for a meeting of love, not competition. WHAT?! They actually have a countdown clock in the corner of the screen during ESPN 2's "First Take" whose new title should be the "Love Connection;" are you kidding me with this crap? When Skip meets Tebow? Now I have to say, if I wasn't paying attention, and I was just your average sports fan, parachuting in from time to time, I would think that this was some kind of contentious meeting; BUT IT'S NOT! Skip is in love with this guy, and my God ESPN is facilitating this gross meeting. What is going to happen here? Is Skippy going to just stare quietly and clam up? What if Eric Mangini asks him a question that Tebow has a hard time answering; will Skippy come to the rescue? What if Hugh Douglas criticizes Timmy; will we see Skip defend his boy toy? This might be the most disturbing TV since I saw Michael Jackson describe having his genitals photographed because he was being investigated for touching kids. I'm actually disgusted and intrigued at the same time. I want to turn this crap off because I know by watching all I'm doing is giving credibility to Skip Bayless and his QB fetish, but like a good train wreck, I can't turn away.  So I'm going to sit here and watch, and laugh and get douche chills while I watch Skippy kiss the ring, and potentially do something grosser. I have to say, there has never been two less deserving "icons" in this culture to get this much attention. Skip Bayless getting credit for driving the sports conversation in this country is worse than Rebecca Black getting credit for setting the bar in pop music this year with that failed abortion of a song "Friday." It’s less about substance and more about shock value with Skip, and as for Tebow, his ride will come to an end soon enough. Anyone who has watched these games knows it’s less about hi and more about that defense and the teams he plays not getting the job done (as a Jets fan I saw this first hand). So I think since these two are finally going to meet and see if they can make a love connection once and for all, I will leave Skippy be. Not because I feel bad for him, or I want him to find love, but because I'm not going to waste any more space on this obvious ratings whore, who will just say things and do things for shock value. I have to say that there have been a few before him that have done the "shock value" thing for ratings and it worked for them (Howard Stern, Matt Stone and Trey Parker, Opie and Anthony) but Skip falls very short of those legends. So Skip, I hope you enjoy Tebow (yuck), and your moment because I feel it's coming to an end, and if it's not, I will be paying attention no longer. Skippy and Tebow sitting in a tree.........Ha Ha, one more shot before I go. 25 minutes to go…….hang in there kiddies.

Hey Cheeseheads, Pay Attention

So the Green Bay Packers are having a potentially historic season thus far starting off 9-0 after spanking an inept Minnesota Viking squad on Monday Night. You have Aaron Rodgers looking like a world-beater, and an offense that looks like it can score at will in any situation regardless of how bad their defense is (they are pretty bad). I’m here to tell you Green Bay faithful that although the road to the Super Bowl looks like it’s paved with Velveeta (smooth and delicious is what I’m going for here) it could be very tough and rocky if you let it sneak up on you. What I witnessed on Sunday in San Francisco was a team that can definitely beat the Packers, and that team is the San Francisco 49ers. It’s interesting because coming into the season it was widely thought that the Saints, who always seem to be in contention during the Drew Brees era, and the Eagles who were dubbed as “The Dream Team” during the pre-season, were the teams that were supposed to challenge the Pack in the NFC. Well here we are, into the second half of this season and another team has emerged. The Saints are still around standing at 6-3 after an OT victory that was handed to them by the Falcons on Sunday. As for the Eagles, well their playoff hopes came to an end when the Arizona Larry Fitzgeralds beat them in Philly (yikes talk about dreams turning into nightmares).

I’m willing to bet that very few people outside of San Fran thought that this team would even be in the “potential Super Bowl” discussion at anytime during this season, but here we are about to kick off Week 10 with the Niners positioned at #2 on most Power Rankings. #2! What? I have to be honest I picked the Niners to make noise last year not this season. This season I thought they would win this failed abortion of a division in the NFC West, and then make a spirited but early exit in the playoffs. That, to me, was a fair prediction. But upon further review, I vastly underrated this team. They have talent galore, and it’s finally starting to show up in the form of wins. Jim Harbaugh has to be the leading contender for Coach of the Year in the NFL; him, or John Fox (that’s if Fox pulls off a miracle playoff run with Tebow at the helm, that would be award worthy). I mean what the Niners are really proving is that Mike Singletary (as much as I loved him as a Linebacker and are afraid of him) was an awful head coach in this league. Sorry Mike, it’s true.

Harbaugh has people saying that Alex Smith might actually be a viable starting quarterback in the NFL after all. Now how many times has that happened in the history of this league? How many times has a QB started for 6 seasons, posted a career 75.3 QB rating and then, out of nowhere become a top 10 passer in this league. Not many. Harbaugh has an already decent defense looking like the Jets or the Ravens defense, stingy and punishing. And forget about that running game. For a guy that had the luxury of a QB the caliber of Andrew Luck at Stanford, this guy has brought the Ground and the Pound to San Fran and he’s got these guys believing they can push anyone around on that field.

The Niners vs. Packers match up, if it were to come about, is very reminiscent to the match up in Super Bowl 25, when the Giants beat the Buffalo Bills 20-19 in perhaps the greatest Super Bowl I’d ever scene to date.

You had the ultra high-powered offense of the Bills, with a wealth of talent and Hall of Famers at QB, running back and two wide receivers. An offensive line that kept Jim Kelly upright, and opened huge holes for Thurman Thomas, and an opportunistic defense that had a Hall of Famer on the line in Bruce Smith.

On the other side, you had the Giants with a journeyman QB who never really lived up to potential in Jeff Hostetler (Phil Simms was injured late in the season), a veteran running back who may have been playing his last game every time he laced them up in OJ Anderson, and one of the best defenses led by LT, Pepper Johnson and Leonard Marshall.

In that game if you recall, the Giants played possibly the perfectly planned and executed game of football that I’ve ever seen. They kept Jim Kelly and his explosive offense off the field for nearly 40 of the 60 minutes played. It was game planning perfection; the game Bill Parcells actually won from the sideline. And I know what you’re thinking, even then it took a missed 52-yard FG to seal that win. That’s what has to happen to beat a nearly flawless football team. Sometimes it’s the hand of God.

The Packers would play the part of the Buffalo Bills in this play, with the high powered O, and the opportunistic D. The Niners would play the role of the New York Giants with their weary but able QB, strong running game and solid D.

Now, in no way am I saying in Week 10 of the regular season that these are predictions, or even solid comparisons (there’s way too much time left in the season for that) but the similarities are there and with a historical reference to look back on, it’s something that came to mind……I’m just sayin’. They’d need to mount the perfect effort, but I feel it’s the best shot any team in the NFC has of beating that Packer team.

So I just wanted to send the message to the cheeseheads in Wisconsin right now. You are great there is no doubt; you may even go 16-0, I can see that happening. However, don’t sleep on the 49ers come playoff time, because like the ’90 Bills, you don’t want to hear those magic words “wide right, wide right” and be sitting in your seat at Lambeau wondering what the f**k just happened.

Just a side note, if the Jets lose to the Denver Tebows tonight, I may kill myself. Jets fan, OUT!

Top 5 College Mascots

If I had the power to change one thing in the world of sports it would be to ban all mascots. I’m sure if you were given that power you would abolish the designated hitter, remove the shootout in the NHL, forbid sports reporters for verbally masturbating the words Tim Tebow, or removing the instant reply.  Not me.  Rules are rule as much as I don’t like them, but mascots serve no purpose.

Ok, there are legendary mascots like the Phillie Phanatic or the San Diego Chicken, and although tolerable their novelty wears thin.  Then there are the ridiculous mascots like the big orange guy in Syracuse or The Blue Blob at Xavier.  Those mascots, although absurd are at least funny because they make no sense.  I hate mascots, especially college mascots, so instead of bitching about it to my friends at the bar, I’ll torture you with what tortures me.

 5 – “Uga” – University of Georgia.  Oh look, a cute little bulldog.  Fitting right considering they are known as the Georgia Bulldogs?  Here’s my issue.  It’s an actual dog!  Maybe things are different in Georgia then the rest of the country, but an animal isn’t a mascot; it’s a pet (or lunch if you’re Korean).  Where’s PETA when you need them?  Have you seen that little bastard on the sidelines?  He’s constantly panting.  Maybe some third string linebacker should make sure the puppy has a bowl of water instead of sexually harassing a cheerleader.

While I do agree it’s better than some frat boy asshole in a stuffed bulldog costume, a live dog is better suited sleeping on some redneck’s couch than strolling the sidelines panting.

4 – “Billiken” – St. Louis University.  I know what you are thinking.  Aside from the nickname of St. Louis University’s athletics, what the hell is a Billiken?  Well after doing some research I found that a Billiken is a good luck charm that was developed in 1908.  The mystique behind it is that if you buy one you would receive good luck but if you were given one you had even better luck (and who says you can’t learn anything at The Sports Riot!?).  A Billiken looks like a cross between a garden gnome and Buddha.  I actually find it to be a bit creepy.

This brings us to Billiken the mascot.  If you’re wondering why Bat Boy hasn’t graced the cover of the Weekly World News lately it’s because he got a job at St. Louis University cheering for basketball.  That creepy bastard cheering on the University of St. Louis basketball court looks nothing like a crossbreed of Buddha and a garden gnome.  Frankly I can’t see cheering for an albino bat with a shit-eating grin.

3 – “Chief Osceola” – Florida State.  If you’ve seen a Florida State football game you’ve seen Chief.  He’s the guy dressed like an injun who comes riding horseback on the field with a spear.  How many levels of f*cked up is this?  Take a bunch of Indian stereotypes and make it your mascot.  They might as well have him ride out drunk and change his name to Chief Firewater; at least that way they are covering all of the Indian stereotypes.

I know Florida; especially the panhandle it’s real loose when it comes to racism.  I also understand most people don’t think it’s racist using Indian names and stereotypes in sports, but it is (as funny as it might be sometimes).  What would the public opinion be if some community college in Mississippi named their team The Spooks?  The Spooks mascot is Sambo.  It’s a white guy in black face with a nappy wig and big fake lips leading the crowd to the chant “massa set me free.”  There might be a problem right?  Like it or not, there’s no difference between Sambo and Chief Osceola.

Yeah, I just went there.

2 –”Sebastian the Ibis” – University of Miami.  I have a theory here when it comes to Sebastian.  I don’t think he’s really an ibis.  Hear me out, apparently Howard the Duck fell on hard times.  His life as a crime fighter eventually led him to the dark world of pornography.  This porn addiction led him to star in a few feature films (most notably “The Spy Who Ducked Me”), but once producers realized he was an actual duck, he was unable to find work.  This caused Howard to go into a downward spiral where alcohol, hookers, and cocaine became his world.  Once Howard ran out of money he was forced into panhandling and turning tricks in the Chelsea section of New York.

In 2000 Howard was busted for male prostitution, bestiality, and possession of crystal meth.  After a brief stint at Rikers Island, followed by rehab, Howard found Jesus and lived a sober life.  This is when Howard turned to the life of a mascot.  The University of Oregon needed a new duck mascot and Howard fit the bill (no pun intended).

Howard flourished at U of O and even got engaged to a sexy mallard.  That’s when the university felt that Howard wasn’t tough enough for the school.  He was edged out and replaced by RoboDuck (one third duck, one third robot, and one third Peter Weller).  Howard called off his engagement and fell off the wagon.  It was on December 13, 2010 when Howard, in an alcohol and meth-filled rage, stormed the field and attacked RoboDuck.  He was arrested on the spot and thrown back in jail.  After serving 90 days Howard was released on one condition, he does work release for the University of Miami as their mascot.  Although an ibis is a rival of the duck, Howard accepted this deal to avoid more jail time.

Unfortunately for Howard the entire duck community shuns him for portraying a lesser fowl.

1 – “The Stanford Tree” – Stanford University.  Ok, this mascot is just plain stupid.  I understand when your logo is a tree and your team name is the Cardinal your hands might be tied, but to make the mascot a tree is pretty lame.  To make matters worse, it doesn’t even look like a tree.  The costume looks like it was made by a bunch of pre-school kids with construction paper and glitter.  At least the asshole in the costume could at least wear brown pants to appear to be a trunk when he prances around on the field.  He’s wearing band pants! If I had a child, I wouldn’t allow them to go to Stanford (or Penn State for that matter), based solely on their stupid mascot.


They would have been better off spray painting Grimace green and gluing leafs to him.

Honorable mentions:
Little Boy – University of Nebraska (he looks like the sexual by-product of Bob the Big Boy and The Staypuft Marshmallow Man).

Mayor McCheese – University of McDonalds (I find it hard to believe anyone can be a mayor when their head is a sandwich)

Which mascot do you hate?  Which do you love?  Hit me up at thesportsriot@yahoo.com and we can discuss it.  Be sure to follow us on twitter @TheSportsRiot.  You’ll be glad you did. Ok, I’m done with selfless whoring on myself.  Until next time…

The Michael Jackson Defense?

Did I literally just wake up and hear Jerry Sandusky on the phone denying all of these charges? Well, that's not unusual. I think if I were facing life in prison I would take a "deny till you die" stance as well. But Sandusky is using the Michael Jackson defense? Sandusky has said that he has "horsed around" with kids, and that maybe he shouldn't have showered with those kids. What? Maybe? Look, I have a 10 year old boy of my own, and I have to tell you that the thought of showering with him makes me feel very wrong, and he's my son. That's the first thing. The second thing is McQuery said he saw Sandusky in the shower with a kid, the kid had his hands against the wall, and he heard rhythmic slapping. What was the rhythmic slapping Jerry? F#*king grotesque man. And now McQuery has come out and said that he even stopped the rape as it was happening. Ok, a conveniently placed hero story a week after the fact? It was originally reported that McQuery ran away and told his daddy.
Sandusky says they were "horsing around?" Unless a horse's idea of playing is to be anally raped, sorry I don't think so. And as for McQuery, it's interesting that he waited until the fecal matter hit the spinning blades, the place was cleared out and the pitchforks were turned on him for being a coward before he decided to claim he was actually the hero that day. Sandusky is a kid-toucher, Paterno is an enabler, and McQuery is just that, a McQuery; like a gay McDonald's sandwich. My God, as this Penn State thing plays out it looks more and more like a Law & Order: SVU episode.
I mean, of all the things to choose to defend yourself, you choose the Michael Jackson defense? Really? How'd that turn out for Michael? "I just love children; I would never hurt a child. I would just take them to my bed, what's more beautiful than sleeping with a child?" That of course is paraphrased, but you get the picture; it's creepy, and it did Michael in. Michael was forever looked at as a freak from that point forward, and even though he never faced jail time, the damage was done. Hey Sandusky, the jury's back and you're a creep. You can try to explain this away by claiming it's a "boys being boys" situation and that boys horse around and some contact may have happened. Yes, between two 10-year olds, fine. Not between a creepy old man and a single 10-year old. Couple that thought with the sentence "I shouldn't have showered with those boys" and you have a visual image that will haunt all of us for years to come. It's more like a "child abuser being a child abuser" and Sandusky would have a better shot with the Twinkie defense (look it up, it's interesting).
This makes me so irate, that I need to stop this right now before I say something that I might regret (if I haven’t already). This piece of trash took advantage of "at-risk" youth and now he's trying to play it off like these kids are making it up? These kids have an up hill battle to begin with, and now this guy is going to make them out to be liars? What a soulless human being.
As for JoePa, dude your legacy is forever tarnished man. How does it feel? How does it feel that you defended this animal and that your legacy is forever linked to this less than human, soulless kid-toucher? Man, I'm sad for Penn State faithful. Those people put all of their faith into the institution that was Joe Paterno. He was pure, moral, ethical and a part of the fabric of that whole region. I'm sad for sports fans too. We have now seen yet another beacon of truth and integrity fall to the dark side of life. I think it just goes to show you that no one is perfect, and perhaps we as fans need to stop putting these figures up on the pedestal where the fall is so steep, because it seems that each time this happens to a legendary sports figure, the drop is that much worse. We've had everything from minor drug possession, to accused murderers and now add to the list defending kid-touchers. Wow, we should build a sports figure gallows where the busts of the guilty will hang. Instead of a Hall of Shame, we will call it the Legends Gallows. Hall of Shame is entirely too nice of a phrase to describe these people. Shame is only the beginning of the feelings Sandusky should feel. Ugh, I’m sick to my stomach.

The Quebec Islanders? One "fan" says Nay!

The other day I got into a discussion at the bar with someone in response to a post I put up last week about the NY Islanders being moved to Quebec. This guy claimed he was an Islanders fan (but strangely he was wearing a Bruins shirt).  I could see this guy had good fandom, but was unable to get his point across and stay focused due to his consumption of half a bottle of Canadian Windsor and six National Bohemian beers; so he just wanted to argue.  The conversation went as follows (I did record this on my phone, and there was a lot of incoherence, so I’m going to just pick out the highlights):

Drunk Guy:  Whaddya mean the Islanders should move? (I should mention that he chimed into a conversation I was having with a friend of mine that started with discussing the Jets)

Jay Platt:  Just what I said.  The team is a joke and they’d be better off in a place where people actually appreciate hockey.

DG:  But Quebec?  F*ck them.

JP: (gives blank look)

DG:  They had their shot and couldn’t keep a team.  They blew it.  That’s not the Islanders fault.

JP:  Atlanta had two teams, so did Colorado, and now Winnipeg.  Do you know why the Nords even moved?

DG:  Because they’re a bunch of French a**holes.

JP:  (mild laughter), wait the team was all French a**holes?

DG:  No, the country.  Quebec is a bunch of French a**holes.

JP:  Okay bud.  First Quebec isn’t a country as much as they would like to think so, it’s a Canadian Providence.  Secondly they actually moved because of financial distress due to the NHL lockout and Canada’s economy at the time.  If you’re going to talk to me at least make a f*cking point.  Besides, what’s your hard-on with the Islanders?

DG:  They’re my first love.  I’m from Long Island.

JP:  Me too, where abouts?

DG:  Bethpage

JP:  Nice, I’m from Shirley.  So what’s up with the Bruins shirt?  Did you break up with your first love?

DG:  Nah man, I still love the Islanders, they’re just tough to watch.  What’s with the Jets hat?

JP:  I like the Jets, hence the hat.  So if your first love is so tough to watch, wouldn’t you want to see the best for them?  Moving the Islanders to Quebec would be the best for the franchise and for the NHL as a whole.

DG:  Not to Quebec.  They can turn it around in Long Island.

JP:  Are you out of your f*cking mind?  Management has run that team into the ground.  It’s a shit run organization that doesn’t even have a real arena.

DG:  What’s wrong with Nassau Coliseum? 

JP:  In comparison to other arenas in the league it’s like a double-wide trailer.  I haven’t been there in over ten years and it was a sh*thole back then and they haven’t done anything to improve it.  If it blew up, that would be an improvement, and no one would care.

DG:  Why were you there?

JP:  A Nickelback show, but that’s not important.

DG:  You like Nickelback?

JP:  No, it was a joke, no one should like Nickelback, but back to the Islanders, no one should like them either.

DG:  The coliseum isn’t a trailer park.  It might be old but do you know how many memories Long Islanders have?  Oh, they are going to build a new arena for the team.  Once they build a new arena the team will turn itself around.  Even if they don’t build an arena I read they might move the team to Brooklyn or Queens.  At least they’ll stay in New York, which is where they belong.  It’ll keep them out of Canada.

JP:  I had a lot of good memories in my first car.  It was a 1984 Chevy Cavalier, in high school. I had a ton of great memories in that car but eventually I got a new car.  That’s why they are memories.  They’re fun to visit, but you can’t live in them, it’s not realistic.  I can’t see…

DG:  But you still…

JP:  Don’t interrupt me.  I’ve done a bunch of research and writing on this and there’s a better shot of me starting for the Eagles next week then Long Island funding $400 million dollars for a new stadium and unrealistic complex in a neighborhood that’s a sh*thole.  Moving the team to Brooklyn or Queens won’t help the situation either because no one there gives a shit about the Islanders because they’re all Rangers or Devils fans.  It’s the same with the whole song and dance about moving the Nets to Brooklyn.  Some people might go to check it out, but people already have allegiance with the Knicks and that’s not going to change.  Also, what’s your deal with Canada?  You know the whiskey your drinking comes from there.

DG:  This isn’t from Canada (drinks his shot)

JP:  It’s called Canadian Windsor for a reason buddy.

DG: Huh…..I..

JP: Anyway, back to what I was saying.  Now while people on Long Island will not publicly fund the dog and pony show that Charles Wang want. In Quebec City they are currently building their own $400 million arena that is publicly funded with the intention of getting an NHL team and possibly an Olympic bid in 2022.

DG:  That’s not going to happen.

JP:  You’re right, I’m making it up just to watch your face get red.  Read a little, maybe you’ll learn something, like that the Whiskey you’re drinking is actually from Canada.

(More awkward silence as DG looks at his glass)

 The Islanders rank last in attendance every season and in 2015 when their lease is up with the double-wide in Uniondale, the new arena in Quebec City will be opening.

DG:  There’s no way Quebec will be able to sell out an arena.  I’ll bet you a million dollars they won’t be able to do it.  They’re too small.  They have to be the smallest city in Canada.

JP:  First off I doubt you have a million dollars to bet (a very 2^nd grade comeback, I know, but it had to be done).  Secondly, Quebec City was the smallest city in the NHL when the Nordiques were there, you’re right with that.  In saying that, the fans were passionate about their team.  Hell, you’re Mr. Islander, and you don’t remember last season when busloads of people from Quebec bought 1,000 tickets and came out in their Nordiques gear?  These fans are hungry.  They Islanders probably doubled attendance that night.

DG:  It’s still too small.

JP:  Are you f*cking listening to yourself?  You aren’t making a point just repeating yourself.  Edmonton is a small market and the Oilers sell out every game.  Before even knowing who would be on the roster this season in Winnipeg, the Jets sold 13,000 season tickets in the blink of an eye.  It’s so tough to get a Jets ticket they team is having online lotteries for the chance to buy single game tickets.  The Islanders are lucky if they have 10,000 fans on a given night.  Besides how is the Islanders market not small?

DG:  I think you’re the crazy one.  The Islanders are in New York, the biggest market in the world.

JP:  Louie, can I have another one, just a beer please. 

DG:  Don’t interrupt me!

JP:  I wasn’t talking to you

DG:  As I was saying.  A small town in Canada in no way an ever compete with the mecca New York is.

JP:  You make a valid point if we were discussing the Rangers, but we’re talking about the Islanders.  The Islanders are located in New York but you can’t tell me people in Manhattan and The Bronx really give two sh*ts about the Islanders, unless they are playing the Rangers.  Using your logic, the Sabres are in the mecca of New York. Buffalo is in NY, yes, but it’s more Canadian than Mecca.

DG:  You’re an a**hole.(one of the three typical responses you could expect from an Islanders fan. The other would be “Four Cups in a row” or “Mike Bossy would have been better than Gretzky”)

JP:  It could be worse; I could be a French asshole.

DG:  I just can’t see it happening.  You make no sense.

JP:  I never said it was going to happen.  I said it was my idea and it would help a franchise that has been run into the ground and the dates on stadium leases happen to match up and maybe the Quebec Islanders will have fans that actually give a sh*t about them.  Who knows if it will ever happen.  Hell, Gary Bettman has made it clear he hates French a**holes too, which is why Quebec is taking it upon themselves to build an arena.  This is something the people of Long Island have no interest in doing.  I applaud Quebec for doing this and they’ll eventually get a team, be it the Islanders, Coyotes, or Panthers.

DG:  I’m gonna grab a steak at Pat’s.  Do you want anything?

JP:  No I’m good.

Okay, it might have been a little wordy Rioters!, but I engage in this nonsense for you (well not always).  Everything I said to Drunky I stand by.  The best thing for the NHL can do would be to relocate the Islanders to Quebec and give a franchise that has fallen into pieces some respect.  With young players like John Tavares, Matt Moulson, Nino Niederreiter, and Travis Hamonic, there is a young core that with the right leadership can have a bright future.  Why not give them a city that actually appreciates them.

Top 5 Things that Died Yesterday (11/8/11)

It is very unusual to have a day like we had yesterday. We had so many things perish in a 24 hour period that I had to make a list (it actually shows that I have no soul...at all). But seriously, we all grieve in our own ways, and this is mine so just deal with it.

5- The Eagles Playoff hopes - The team that back-up QB Vince Young proclaimed 2011's "dream team" has fallen on hard times (that's why he's an f'n back-up). The Eagles blew yet another 4th quarter lead against the Bears late Monday night into Tuesday morning, dropping them to a 3-5 record and placing them a full three games behind the NY Giants. Further more, it is the big names that are costing the "Iggles." Huge free agent pick-up Nnamdi Asomugha hasn't been huge at all. As a matter of fact, he was flagged for a pass interference late in the game that cost the Eagles perhaps a victory and hasn't played very well as a whole; BTW, you don't see that out of Revis island, just sayin'. Things are looking bleak in Philly, and this was only the beginning of a very grim 24 hours for the great state of Pennsylvania.

4- The NBA bites it - I mean really, these bitches are fighting their battles in the press now. They can't even set up a f'n meeting without whining about the other side. There were at least 27 conflicting reports leading up to the meeting they were supposed to have on Saturday night; and I still don't know if it happened or not. And here's the best part, while all this is going on, LeBron James is tweeting and challenging real football players to flag football games. WTF? Doesn't this ass-hat care that his bread and butter, the game he's supposed to be passionate about, is pissing away any hope it had of being a relevant part of this years sports story. Anybody miss the NBA right now? Anyone? Yeah, me neither. It would be amazing if Ray Lewis accepted LBJ's challenge and then f**king decapitated him as he crossed the middle.

3- Heavy D Dead at 44 - This is just tragic and sad. Even though I'm not much of a Hip-Hop fan, I've grown to appreciate old school Hip-Hop as I've grown up a little. I've also, like most 30+ year olds, grown nostalgic about my childhood, especially my high school years. Well Heavy D and The Boyz were very much a part of the fabric of my high school years. The song "Now That We Found Love" was on every Top 40 station, and played at every Sweet 16 party I went to. Then possibly one of the best shows on TV at the time was "In Living Color" and Heavy D did the theme song to that. It's always sad when a 44 year old dies, especially one that seemed to be a class act and not into the negativity of all of that "gansta" non-sense that seemed to be going on at the time. He was positive, and fun, and those are the memories his songs will always bring to mind for me. Heavy D (Dwight Arrington Myers) RIP.

2- Joe Paterno's Legacy - Boy, I can't even joke about this. This whole story is distressing on every level. I'm not a big fan of change, and Joe Paterno retiring alone is too big a change for me. Now add in the fact that he's going out like this? It is very upsetting. First off, I need to say Joe, what were you thinking? A kid-toucher? That's who you're going to protect? You've been coach long enough that I'm sure you went through extreme racism, sexism and most of the other "-isms" that could possibly happen to a culture (he's been coach for a very long time) and this was the mountain you chose to die on? A filthy kid diddler? It is disgraceful. Penn State, who as an institution, has tried to be the good, clean program for so long have now tarnished it's image forever more. You can't wipe away the image of a child molester that was protected by the powers that be at that institution. Ohio State and all that Jim Tressel did last year looks like a dream now compared to what happened in Happy Valley. Yuck, that name even has a creepy overtone now. Happy Valley? Sounds like "kid-toucher central." It's very sad that a career that has spanned 60+ years has to end this way. Joe wanted to go out on his terms. Maybe a championship run or a top 10 finish, but now he will be linked to this monster forever. This topic hurts my head, time to move on.

1- Smokin' Joe Frazier - It happened quickly, like a George Foreman phantom punch. Last week, news surfaced that Joe Frazier had Liver Cancer and was not doing very well. Well, yesterday, one of the greatest fighters ever lost his bout with cancer and past on at the all too young age of 66. I unfortunately was entirely too young to remember ever seeing Frazier fight, but the stories I would hear from my father about the man who posed the biggest challenge to Muhammed Ali were thrilling and make me wish I had seen them when they happened. Frazier boxed when boxing was legit. When boxing was THE event. Today, it's almost poetic that as guys like Frazier, Ali, and Foreman enter the twilight of their years here on earth, so is the sport of Boxing. It almost feels right to me, because Boxing will never reclaim the status it had in the 60's, 70's and 80's. Mayweather-Pacquaio may prove to be a big deal if it ever goes off, but it will never rival "The Thrilla in Manilla," Hagler-Leonard, and definitely Frazier-Ali at MSG. I've heard more about this fight than any other, and it took place 5 years before I was even born. I've seen it hundreds of times, but it's makes me wish I was around to catch it live. Joe Frazier was a great boxer, and a legend in American sports and he will be missed. Joe Frazier RIP.

Hey Joe, If It's So, It's Time To Go or This Week on Law & Order: SVU

I actually don’t even know how to begin this article because quite frankly I’m sick to my stomach.  All I know is I’m calling for the entire Penn State football staff to resign immediately, including the grand-pappy in charge Joe Paterno.  In case you live under a rock, or were too stoked on ESPN’s hard on with Tim Tebow or a great sports weekend (which it was but sometimes even sports take the back burner), Jerry Sandusky, former defensive coordinator at Penn State was arrested for molesting eight teenage boys from the mid-90’s until 2008. 

To make matters worse these initial allegations are the reasons Sandusky stepped down from his position in 1999, but Penn State covered it up and allowed Sandusky to use Penn State’s facility to run his charity “Second Mile”, a charity set up by Sandusky  which is a home for wayward boys to learn football (talk about a child molesters dream, setting up a house full of fresh meat).  This sick bastard took children to football games, as young as eight-years-old, then had overnight visits with them where he eventually coaxed them into oral and anal sex.

So let’s recap:

-          A defensive coordinator for Penn State is accused of molesting a child.

-          The defensive coordinator is given the option to resign or retire.

-          Although knowing the allegations the school still allowed the person in question to still work with children on Penn State’s campus.

-          These children are already children who have severe emotional problems, and are already vulnerable.

-          People at Penn State then knew about new allegations and never went to the proper authorities, essentially turning a blind eye.

Are you f*cking kidding me???

Oh, these aren’t blind allegations for a family looking to make a quick buck.  The person accused wasn’t an overly rich and creepy pop star who was feeding kids “Jesus Juice” out of a Diet Coke can.  This is a scandal that was swept under the rug from one of the country’s biggest universities and it goes all the way to the top.  In fact according to grand jury transcripts after Sandusky retired and was STILL allowed to use Penn State facilities as his personal pleasure palace a janitor, high school principal, and an assistant football coach all reported inappropriate behavior that they WITNESSED.  Yeah, it’s not hearsay when you see it with your own two eyes.

Last night Athletic Director Tim Curley was put on administrative leave and senior vice president Gary Schultz retired after both were arrested for lying to a grand jury and failing to report accusations of child sexual abuse.  They both claimed that they were never told of actual sex acts but it was just “horsing around”.

Again, are you f*cking kidding me?

Anytime an adult is showering or wrestling with a boy in a locker room, there’s a big problem.  There’s no such thing as “horsing around” when it comes to a grown man and a young boy.  It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to know that behavior is all sorts of wrong and sick.  Shit, all you have to do is watch Diff’rent Strokes and you’ll see what Gordon Jump did to Dudley.  In my opinion Shultz and Curley are just as guilty as Sandusky because they looked the other way when this shit was going on.

I wonder if it had anything to do with the $120,000 a year that Second Mile gave to Penn State for use of the facilities and food.

Now this brings us to JoePa.  The all-time Division I wins leaders has made Penn State football irrelevant for the past ten years and should have resigned years ago, but ego got in the way.  Now a struggling football program is an afterthought.  He has to do the right thing and resign (before he gets fired), because he knew what was going on.

A few years after Sandusky resigned, former Penn State quarterback and assistant coach Mike McQueary (not to be confused with shitty Pearl Jam guitarist Mike McCready), witnessed Sandusky “rape” a boy in the locker room.  He went home and told his father what he saw and the following morning McQueary notified Paterno.  Paterno claimed he reported it, but it again went unnoticed.

In a released statement JoePa said the following regarding the incident:

"If true, the nature and amount of charges made are very shocking to me and all Penn Staters. While I did what I was supposed to with the one charge brought to my attention, like anyone else involved, I can't help but be deeply saddened these matters are alleged to have occurred.

"Sue and I have devoted our lives to helping young people reach their potential. The fact that someone we thought we knew might have harmed young people to this extent is deeply troubling. If this is true, we were all fooled, along with scores of professionals trained in such things, and we grieve for the victims and their families. They are in our prayers.

"As my grand jury testimony stated, I was informed in 2002 by an assistant coach that he had witnessed an incident in the shower of our locker room facility. It was obvious that the witness was distraught over what he saw, but he at no time related to me the very specific actions contained in the grand jury report. Regardless, it was clear that the witness saw something inappropriate involving Mr. Sandusky. As Coach Sandusky was retired from our coaching staff at that time, I referred the matter to university administrators.

"I understand that people are upset and angry, but let's be fair and let the legal process unfold. In the meantime, I would ask all Penn Staters to continue to trust in what that name represents, continue to pursue their lives every day with high ideals, and not let these events shake their beliefs nor who they are."

Wow Joe, that’s a crock of shit if I ever heard one.  Did Joe say he was never told of specific sex acts?  Hmm…  Isn’t that what Curley and Schultz also said (I guess they are on the same page). 

By the way, thanks for going the extra mile when it comes to protecting other people’s children Joe because Sandusky no longer worked for you.  It’s sick and disgusting, and guess what Joe, this I on your conscience too. 

Sandusky worked under Paterno for 23 years.  How did he not know of any inappropriate behavior, especially when his assistants are notifying him about it? If it comes out that Paterno knew what was going on at his football facilities he needs to put his tail between his legs and resign.

Look, I know here at The Riot!  we like to see the lighter and more twisted humor in things (like George Carlin taught us, everything can be funny.  Just imagine Donald Duck raping Porky Pig), but even I can’t do it in this case.  It’s sickening.

I know Penn State alumni and fans are on sports radio today defending Paterno saying he’s only a coach, but that’s bullshit.  When children are put in harms way, any administrator who knows about this needs to do all they can to make sure other children’s innocence is spared EVEN if they don’t work for you (Joe Paterno).

My stance on this is hard lined.  If Paterno knew about what was happening he needs to resign and any other administrator at Penn State (who right now are doing all they can to protect their own asses), be it some trustees or even the president, they need to resign too.  Hell, I’ll go as far as if more information about a cover up comes out, the NCAA needs to step in and suspend Penn State’s football program.  For once I’m not in the minority here.  According to an online poll from Philly.com 77% of readers think Paterno needs to vacate his position as head coach of Penn State football.

Sorry Nittany Lions fans, Penn State fumbled this one big time and action needs to be taken to ensure this type of low-class, scumbag behavior never happens at a college university again.