Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Men’s Hockey Quarterfinals Predictions


With all the preliminary games finished over the weekend and today’s four play-in games complete, the matchups are lined up for tomorrow’s quarterfinals in Men’s Ice Hockey.  As much as I enjoyed watching the prelim games, now’s when shit gets real.  Prelim heroes like TJ Oshie, Phil Kessel, Drew Doughty, and Alexander Radulov won’t be remembered for squat if their respective teams fail to do anything moving forward.  The matchups aren’t what most fans expected as there were some upsets in today’s games, but it doesn’t mean that tomorrow won’t be a day full of some great hockey.  Let’s take a look:

Sweden/Slovenia – Sweden is playing banged up with injuries to Henrik Zetterberg, Daniel Sedin, and Johan Franzen.  If not for the play of Henrik Lundqvist, the Swedes wouldn’t have held on to the number one seed in the tournament.   Slovenia (wherever that is), is comprised of the Kings Anze Koptiar, and 24 guys you’ve never heard of.  They pulled an upset win over Austria this morning to get in the quarterfinals.

Prediction:   With all due respect to Slovenia, they probably couldn’t beat a Swedish Elite team, no less a team that still boasts Erik Karlsson, Alexander Steen, and Daniel Alfredsson (among others).
Final - Sweden 5 Slovenia 1

United States/Czech Republic – No team has been better on the ice than the USA, outscoring their opponents 14-4 in the prelims.  Phil Kessel has led the way, leading all Olympic scorers with seven points.  The Czech’s offense has been inconsistent throughout the tournament, getting shutout by Switzerland and then pouring on five goals against Slovakia. 

Prediction:  Seasoned vets like Jaromir Jagr and Petr Nedved will do their best to give Jonathan Quick a run for his money, but the Czech defense won't be able to keep up with the American speed and pressure.   
Final – USA 4 Czech Republic 2

Canada/Latvia – Heading into the Olympics, the Canadians were gold medal favorites, but they’ve yet to put it together offensively.  Sidney Crosby only has two points so far and the coaching staff hasn’t committed to any actual lines.  Latvia pulled the biggest upset of the tournament by beating the Swiss (their lone win).

Prediction:  There was a lot of talk about the Swiss giving the Canadians some trouble in the quarterfinals.  With the Swiss eliminated, Canada’s been handed a tune-up game before heading into the semifinals.
Final – Canada 6 Latvia 0

Finland/Russia – In the first two games of the prelims, the Fins were an offensive machine scoring 14 goals.  Then injuries set in, most notably Aleksander Barkov and their offense was lost.  The host country Russians have arguably the most talented roster in the tournament but have struggled putting pucks in the net which resulted in two overtime games (a victory against Slovakia and a loss to the United States).

Prediction:   Even if the Russians should get it together, they’re facing one of the better defensive teams with the best goaltending trio in the tournament.  It’s an upset in the making.
Final – Finland 3 Russia 2

On A Side Note:  Today is my brother Joe's birthday.  He's an amazing brother as well as father, son, and husband.  He's the reason I go to Long Island to see some of the best future NHLer's play.  I love him to death.

Jay Platt can be reached at gimmeasign@gmail.com.  Follow Jay on Twitter @JayPlatt.  It’s a third person-free zone…

Orioles Sign Ubaldo Jimenez


The Baltimore Orioles finally made a significant offseason move today by inking free agent pitcher Ubaldo Jimenez to a four-year, $48 million contract. Jimenez went 13-9 with a 3.30 ERA last season for the Cleveland Indians, including going 4-0 with a 1.09 during the month of September.

Jay’s Take:  I’m really not sure what to make of this deal.  If it was a one, maybe two, year deal it would be the ideal low-risk, high-reward signing.  Jimenez has high-level stuff except he lacks consistency; especially when it comes to his control.  He’s averaged roughly four walks per nine innings pitched throughout his career.  Also, while he went 13-9 with a 3.30 ERA last season, in 2012 he went 9-17 with a 5.40.  It’s hard to know which pitcher you’re getting.  I know some fans that like this deal will look at his 2010 season where he went 19-7 with a 2.88, but I’m not putting stock in what a pitcher did four years ago.  What he did the past two seasons is what matters to me more.

I think if Jimenez can repeat what he did last season or maybe be a little better (he will have one of the league’s best defenses behind him), the Orioles can compete for the AL East.  He should be slotted behind Chris Tillman and in front of Wei-Yen Chen.  The rest of the rotation will be a competition between Miguel Gonzalez, Bud Norris, Zach Britton, Kevin Gausman, and the newly signed Suk-Min Yoon.  This pitching staff will have depth, something it lacked last year (which is what was the O’s demise).

I’m just really hung up on the length of the contract.  I can’t remember the last time Baltimore gave a pitcher a deal more than three years (I’m thinking it was Scott Erickson).  I don’t have an issue with a pitchers contract that exceeds three years, but it needs to be an elite pitcher.  Jimenez isn’t that guy.  This deal reminds me of deals past like Erickson and Albert Belle.  Both of them bit the Orioles in the ass.  Although the first two years of this contact can help the Birds, the last two could hang them.  Personally I would have rather seen AJ Burnett in Baltimore for a year or two while Gausman, Dylan Bundy, and Eduardo Rodriguez further develop until they’re ready to work their way into the rotation.

I can be reached via email at gimmeasign@gmail.com.  Follow me on Twitter @JayPlatt.

Kevin Durant and Nicknames...

Oklahoma City Thunder forward Kevin Durant has had many nicknames over his illustrious NBA career.  He's been known as "KD" (obviously), "The Second Coming", "The Durantula", "K-Smoove", and "The Slim Reaper" (my personal favorite).  Well now he's decided he doesn't want to go by any of those names.  He prefers to go by "The Servant".

"I like to serve everybody. My teammates. Ushers at the game. The fans...I know it's kinda weird to make your own nickname, but I like that one better,"

Well it's a good thing you're not allowed to make up your own nickname (ask George Costanza), because this might be one of the worst nicknames of all-time; for obvious reasons.  Sure, I'm positive if announcers start referring to him as "The Servant" during broadcasts, Thunder ratings will go up in the Deep South, but it's just wrong on all kinds of levels.

I know there are some clowns out there who can't wait to refer Durant as "The Servant".  Don't do it.  Nothing good will come from it and you'll probably get your ass kicked if taken out of context (or not taken out of context).

As poor of a choice as "The Servant" is, it has me thinking.  I need a nickname (aside from asshole, dipshit, and dickweed).  From now on I'd prefer to go by "The Obnoxious Whitie".  If "The Slim Reaper" can do it, why can't I?  I think this has legs.

Follow "The Obnoxious Whitie" on Twitter @JayPlatt...




Saturday, February 15, 2014

America's New Tag Line...

America is the Richie Incognito of the world...

That is all.  Except my Twitter plug @JayPlatt

Friday, February 14, 2014

Quick Takes – Valentine’s Day Edition


Hey suckers!  By suckers I’m talking about those who are buying all kinds of cards, candy, roses, those stupid candy hearts, with campy phrases and take like shit, just to make your valentine happy.  Valentine’s Day is for suckers.  Don’t think I’m being bitter here, I’m naturally an asshole.  I just think if you need a day to show someone special in your life that you care about them you’re a piece of shit. 

Okay…  Now that I got that off my chest, let’s talk some sports.

Jeff Carter – As an American, I’m pulling for USA gold in hockey, but today’s Canada/Austria game was rad.  If you missed it, Carter scored three consecutive goals in twelve minutes, giving him a natural hat trick.  It was the first time this happened since 1988 in Calgary when some guy who’s name I can’t locate (I heard it on the broadcast and spent an hour looking for online), netted three in a row .  The last time a Canadian did it was 58 years ago when Paul Knox had his natural hat trick, ironically, over Austria.  Too bad Carter didn’t do that here in Philly.

Before Carter fans get on me, he had ONE great season with the Flyers.  The rest of his seasons were decent.

Richie Incognito –   Why is this guy still in the headlines?  Everyone knows he bullied Jonathan Martin.  He’s that kind of guy.  I mean, come on, look at him.  Homeboy looks like Baby Huey.  This is the same asshole in high school who would give dudes wedgies, snap towels in the locker room, and other high school forms of homoeroticism.  Do you want to know the best way to make him go away?  Ignore him!  He loves the attention!  Pay no mind to him and his fat ass will drift into the sunet.

Hendrik Zetterberg – So it was announced today that Zetterberg will miss the remainder of the Olympics, and probably some time when the NHL reconvenes, due to a herniated disk in his back.  I’ve got a serious fucking problem with this situation.  If he knew his back was bothering him before the Olympic break (which he did), why the hell did he to go to Sochi?!?  I get the whole Ra! Ra! patriotism nonsense, but his allegiance should ally with the Detroit Red Wings, not the Swedish Olympic Team.  The Wings are in a dogfight for the wildcard this season and they have no one on their team who could replace Zetterberg should he be out long term.

More importantly, why the hell did the Red Wings give him the green light to go to?  He has already missed 12 games this season because of his wonky back.  Maybe the Wings are getting what they deserve should Zetterberg miss significant time, but you bet your ass Gary Bettman is going to be looking into this before he makes his final decision if NHLers will participate in the 2018 Olympics.

USA/Russia Prediction – Team USA has a big game tomorrow against the Russians.  The Russians are the host country and a big favorite to take home the gold.  The Americans are no push over themselves, so this should be a good game.  I’m calling 4-2 ‘Mercan’s, the fourth goal is an empty netter.  Book it.

Jim Fregosi – On sad note, former MLB manager Jim Fregosi passed away after having a stroke.  Fregosi was in baseball for 53 years, including managing the Phillies, Angels, White Sox, and Blue Jays.  He holds a special place in my heart because he was the manager of the 1993 Phillies, my favorite Phillies team.  Our condolences go out to his family as they grieve this loss.

Have a great weekend.  Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do (which isn’t much).  For the suckers out there who picked up some grocery store roses and a box of Russell Stover, I hope you get a blowie (but you probably won’t).  I can be found on Twitter @JayPlatt.  Go USA!

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Jeter to Retire at End of 2014


An end of an era is on the horizon as Yankees captain Derek Jeter announced this will be his final season.   Jeter is one of the most clutch players in the history of the league, posting an astounding .321 batting average in his seven World Series appearances.  Entering 2014, Jeter’s resume includes a Rookie of the Year Award, 13 All-Star nods, 5 Gold Gloves, and 5 World Series rings.  His next stop, no doubt, will be Cooperstown.

Jay’s Take:  In no way do I like the Yankees.  In fact it’s quite the opposite, but I’ve always been a fan of Jeter.  I know there are anti-Jeter guys who say he was overrated, protected, etc.  That’s bullshit.  He was a leader on the field, always came through in the clutch, and proved an athlete could be a role model for today’s youth (fuck you Charles Barkley).  A few years ago I was at a charity event and unlike the other players who were there (it was a Yankees event), who just signed whatever item was placed in front of them, Derek (yeah, we're on a first name basis), took a minute to talk to every kid in line (ARod on the other hand was a total dick).  It gave me a new respect for the guy (that and the countless supermodels he nailed).

In saying all this, I hate when athletes announce they’re going to retire in advance of their actual retirement.  I know on the surface it appears to be for the fans to say one last goodbye (word on the street is tickets for the last Yankees home game this season are going for over $1,000), but in my cynical mind it’s nothing but masturbation of ones ego.  Farewell tours should be saved for shitty bands like KISS and Motley Crue, not professional athletes.

I’d also like to see a player of Jeter’s status go out on a high note.  He only played 17 games last season and in those 17 games he was awful.  Sure he was coming back from a serious ankle injury, but he should have called it quits once the ankle snapped.  I have a bad feeling this season's going to look like the days when Willie Mays was on the Mets or Hank Aaron was on the Brewers.  As great as both of those players were, they ended up retiring as has-beens who didn’t know when to hang up the cleats.  

Talk to me Jeter fans.  I know you're out there.  Drop a comment or hit me up at gimmeasign@gmail.com and we'll chat.  Follow me on Twitter @JayPlatt.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Burnett Chooses Philly


Reports out of Arkansas (rather bizarre source), are that free agent pitcher A.J. Burnett has signed a one-year, $16 million contract with the Philadelphia Phillies.  This comes after Burnett said he would only pitch in Pittsburgh, then retired, then unretired, then wanted to test the free agent market.

Jay’s Take – The fact that the initial report is coming out of Arkansas, made me initially doubt this report.  They can’t even pronounce their state correctly; no less use a computer to report baseball rumors out of Eastern Pennsylvania, but it appears to be legit (been confirmed by the Philadelphia Inquirer and other media outlets).

I was hoping Burnett was going to sign with the Orioles (he said he wanted to play close to home and he lives just outside of Baltimore), but I’m not surprised since Baltimore has done jack shit this offseason (aside from telling players they didn’t pass a physical).  In saying that, I’m not upset he’s here in Philly.  It’s a good pickup for them.  Burnett’s not going to blow you away, but he’s a seasoned veteran, who can go deep into a game.

With the addition of Burnett, the Fightins’ head into the season with a rotation of Cliff Lee, Cole Hamels, Miguel Gonzalez (he’s a Cuban guy), Burnett, and Kyle Kendrick.  Well on paper at least.  A report this morning came out that Hamels won’t be ready for the start of the season due to a wonky shoulder.  That news isn’t bueno.  Burnett is a middle of the rotation pitcher.  He’s not Hamels.

What’s your take?  Hit me up at gimmeasign@gmail.com and let your voice be heard.  Follow me on Twitter @JayPlatt.  Just because…

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Tracy McGrady to Attempt A Comeback. Well Sort Of...

Former NBA player Tracy McGrady has announced he is making a comeback.  No, he's not taking his wonky vertebrae back to the hardcourt.  Instead he's eyeballing the pitchers mound.  McGrady is currently working with Roger Clemens and will attempt a baseball career by trying out with the Sugar Land Skeeters of the Atlantic League.  T-Mac says he as always loved baseball, played it as a kid, and it's a dream of a lifetime.

Jay's Take:  To be honest, I'm torn.  I think it's pretty hysterical that a former seven-time NBA All-Star, with a bad back, really thinks he can try and start up a baseball career at 36 years-old; especially in the Atlantic League.  Anyone who follows baseball knows the Atlantic League is just a gimmick.  They'll sign any former athlete to put asses in the seats (some notable former Atlantic League players are Rickey Henderson, Roger Clemens, Jose Canseco, John Rocker, and Tim Raines).  It's about a legitimate of a league as Celebrity Boxing or the Puppy Bowl.

On the other hand I find it to be sad.  T-Mac is so desperate to be back in the public eye he's willing to embarrass himself by thinking he's a baseball player (which I really think he believes).  If he really wants to take the mound, he should just go to an MLB fantasy camp like every other pushing 40-something, not thinking he's a two-sport star with a real shot (no matter how slim it is), to have a baseball career.

What's you're take?  Are you going to shell out some coin to see Tracy McGrady try and be a pitcher?  For comedy sake, I will.  Drop me a line at gimmeasign@gmail.com and let me know.  Follow me on Twitter @JayPlatt and you'll hear about my comeback announcement (professional bowler?).

Friday, January 31, 2014

Top 5 Worst Super Bowl Moments


It’s two days before Super Bowl XLVIII and I can’t wait.  Not so much that I’m looking forward to the game, it’ll just be another year before I have to listen to all the bullshit that surrounds it.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love the Super Bowl; the game that is.  I’ve just never understood the week-long verbal masturbation that’s shoved down my throat until kickoff.  Maybe it’s because I’m not a degenerate gambler and I think betting money on how many times Peyton Manning yells “Omaha” is ridiculous.  It could be I don’t give a damn what Jerry Seinfeld or any other irrelevant celebrity thinks about Richard Sherman.  It really doesn’t matter.  The media force feeds fans with this nonsense on the fans and it’s almost impossible not to listen (it’s on every damn channel).

I thought about joining the party and giving my opinion on the game (which I’ve don’t the past few years), this year I’m not.  Instead I’m going to honor Super Bowl’s past with a “Top 5 Worst Super Bowl Moments”.

5 – Super Bowl XXV, Scott Norwood – Most people in my generation would probably name this one of the biggest gaffes in the Super Bowl history.  With eight seconds left in the game, Norwood, the Buffalo Bills kicker, lined up for a 47-yard game-winning field goal.  His kick had the distance, but it was wide-right giving the Bills their first of four consecutive losses in the NFL’s Big Game.  Norwood only played one more season before fading away.  If you’re curious he’s a realtor these days.

4 – Super Bowl XXXV, Quarterbacks – This might go down as the worst Super Bowl in history.  At least the Super Bowl with the two worst quarterbacks (Super Bowl XX being a close second).  The Ravens were led by the first-round bust Trent Dilfer and the Giants by the alcoholic-underachieving Kerry Collins.  The Ravens blew the Giants out 31-7, but the quarterbacks had nothing to do with it.  Combined they were 27 for 64 for 265 yards with 1 touchdown and 4 interceptions.  Well done boys…

3 – Super Bowl XXVII, Leon Lett – In the fourth quarter of the game, Lett recovered a fumble on the Cowboy’s 35-yards line and hauled ass toward the end zone.  When he reached the Bills 10-yard line, he began to celebrate.  Before his fat ass made it to the end zone, the ball was knocked out of his hands and was ruled a touchback.  It didn’t affect the game as Dallas won 52-17.  Still, it made Lett look like a jackass.

2 – Super Bowl XX, Super Bowl Shuffle – Technically this didn’t happen at the Super Bowl, but it’s still pretty bad.  The Super Bowl Shuffle was abhorred.  I know there are plenty of people who thought it was funny and maybe it was for some.  For me I don’t like my humor hacky and that’s exactly what it was.  I haven’t seen the video in years (no desire to), but I remember the team swaying to a terrible beat, with Jim McMahon leading the way in his stupid headband and glasses.  That’s something no one needs to see.  If it had any redeeming value it was that it was another time McMahon made an ass out of himself.

1 – Super Bowl XLV, Christina Aguilera – In 2011, Aguilera was set to sing the National Anthem to open Super Bowl XLV in Dallas.  During her performance she his every note right and sounded great.  The problem is she didn’t know the fucking words.  In the fourth line of the “Star-Spangled Banner” Aguilera should have sung “o'er the ramparts we watched”, but instead sung "what so proudly we watched.  Come on.  I’m not even that much of a patriot, and even I know the words to the goddamn song.  There’s no excuse for that.  At least she looked like a fool in front of the biggest worldwide audience she could find.

What are your worst Super Bowl Moments?  Drop a comment or hit me up at gimmeasign@gmail.com.  Follow this guy on Twitter @JayPlatt.

Classroom 101 - Bar Etiquette


It’s pretty safe to say I’ve spent my fair share of time in bars.  I went there to watch the game, to meet new “friends”, and to write.  Above all I observed.  A lot of the ideas I got were from people talking out of their ass when they’re six beers deep.  Mostly I just listened but whenever I heard something really idiotic, I liked to inquire and get a debate going.


In saying all this, I see a lot of things that happen in bars that should never happen.  There is unspoken bar etiquette and unfortunately most people can’t spell “bar etiquette,” no less know what it actually means.  So with Super Bowl Sunday a couple days away, a lot of you will be watching it in the bar (if you weren’t invited to a party), so it’s fitting I go over some etiquette (NOTE – This applies to all bar visits, not just the Super Bowl).

Flagging Down the Bartender
If you’re at a bar and it’s crowded you need to know a word called patience.  Simply wait at the bar and the bartender will get to you.  I’ve dated my fair share of bartenders and even if they’re busy they know who is waiting for a drink.  They will get to you.  You don’t need to lean over the bar to make sure they see you.  They know you’re there.  By doing that you’re only making an ass out of yourself.  Also, NEVER snap your fingers or try and page the bartender with a “yo” or “sweetheart”.  They’re bartenders, not your personal fucking servant.  Pulling a stunt like that makes you look like a giant asshole and almost guarantees you not to get a drink.

Please & Thank You
The basis of all aspects of bar etiquette comes down to respect.  Basic manners you were hopefully taught as a child go a long way.  If you use that as a rule of thumb there’s less of a chance you’ll look like an asshole. 

Now thinking with a childhood manners mentality, when ordering a drink, order it the right way.  For example, when the bartender comes up to you, and you say “Yo, can I get…” it is God awful.  Unless you grew up in a trailer park you should damn well know better.  The proper way is “May I please…”  As I stated earlier, bartenders are doing a job and they’re not you’re friggin’ slave.  Also, once you are given your libation of choice always drop a “thank you.” Bartenders remember these things and one thing you never do in a bar is piss off the bartender.  They’re your best ally.
Also, in a crowded bar, don’t bully your way through like you’re a fat man rushing to a buffet. Say “excuse me”.

Chiming In
If you’re sitting at a bar and people are having a conversation, don’t butt in.  If people wanted your opinion they’ll ask for it.  No one likes a Chimey.  If you are in the conversation say something that contributes to the conversation.  Don’t do shtick and attempt to sound witty. When you try too hard you look like a jackass.

The Seat
This is a big issue with me.  Just because there’s an empty seat at the bar doesn’t mean it’s available.  If there’s a beverage, money, and cigarettes in front of a seat; guess what???  Someone’s sitting there.  Odds are they’re in the bathroom, smoking a cigarette, or at the jukebox.  As obvious as this seems you’d be surprised how many highly functioning retards waltz into a bar and sit in an empty chair like it’s theirs.

I’ll give you a couple examples.

Last year I was out with a buddy watching the Stanley Cup Finals.  It was in first intermission so we decided to catch a smoke.  We grabbed our beers and headed to the patio.  Mind you we each left our cigarette packs, phones, and money on the bar, so it was pretty damn obvious that the seats were taken.  Anyway, we return from our smokey treat and some chucklehead is sitting in my chair.  The conversation went down like this:

“Excuse me; you’re sitting in my chair.”
“So…”
“So get the fuck up.”
“How was I supposed to know it’s yours?  Is your name written on it?”
“No asshole, that’s my phone, money, and cigarettes.  What did you think someone was tipping the bartender an iPhone and tobacco?”

At that point the chucklehead in question got up and moved to the open seat next to mine, and proceeded to give me random dirty looks.

Another time I was at a different watering hole with a different friend.  We went out to smoke a cigarette, (this time just my money was in front of my stool), and upon my return some toolbag was in my seat.  This had a bit of a different outcome but for different reasoning.

“Excuse me, you’re in my seat.”
“No I’m not we switched, I moved your stuff.”
“Come again?”
“You heard me I moved your stuff over.”
“Wait, you took my seat and moved my shit a little to the left of the seat?  Are you fucking kidding me?”

At this point I can no longer speak of the conversation in verbatim because it’s too crude for The Riot!.  To make a long story short I lost my head and said a lot of things that would make my mom blush (and it takes a lot for that to happen).  Not because this dickweed took my seat but because he put his hands on my things (SIDEBAR:  Never, EVER, EVER touch anyone’s belongings on the bar.  I don’t care if you even need a light for your cigarette.  You ask first.  Remember it’s about a mutual respect here.  You touch the wrong person’s stuff you’re bound to get your ass kicked.).

I eventually calmed down and ironically his buddy bought my friend and I a round.  So I guess there was a positive outcome.

On the flip side…  If you mistakenly sat in someone’s seat, don’t be a dick.  Simply apologize and get up.   You’re the one in the wrong and no one likes a barroom hero.

About a year and half ago I was at a bar where an ex-girlfriend worked.  It was a Friday night and the bar was crowded but I scored a seat at the bar.  After a couple beers I went to grab a smoke (there was a beer in front of me, my hoodie on the back of the stool and my laptop bag at my feet).  Upon my return there was some Jersey Shore Hairgel sitting in my seat.  This little exchange went like this (the quotes might not be spot on because it’s dated, except the last one because I still laugh when I think of it).

“Excuse me you’re in my seat.”
“How is it your seat?”
“Well that’s my beer, that’s my hoodie on the back of the chair and that bag you’re stepping on is my laptop.”
“I didn’t know there were assigned seats here.”
“Really dude?  Have you ever been in a bar before?”
“What are you a smart guy?”
“Well using your logic if I wanted to take a piss I’d have to take my chair with me.  Does that remotely make sense to you buddy?”
“Well you got up.”
“Look dude, don’t be an asshole, just get up.  This isn’t necessary and pretty fucking high school.”

At that point the dude got up and stood next to me, just staring at me (I should have “accidentally” stepped on his white Fila’s).  Then he dropped the line of the century.

“You must think you’re pretty fucking cool with your tattoos and beard and flannel shirt and drinking PBR you hipster f***ot.”

I laughed so hard beer almost came out of my nose.  There’s a lesson here kids.  Don’t be that guy.

Physical with the Ladies
Look fellas, we all want to get laid.  We’ve all went out on a Friday night looking for the group of girls playing “Bar Slut.” Shit, if you have a decent wingman the night usually ends well.  While it’s fun to hit on the ladies, especially when you got a load on, keep your hands to yourself.  Rubbing some girls back who you just met isn’t dapper or suave, it’s actually really creepy.  You can make plenty of time by just engaging in good conversation, providing you can hold a conversation and make someone laugh.

A bigger boo boo is touching the cocktail waitress.  Like I’ve stated a few times now, these people are earning a living and work their ass off for tips.  Palming the cocktail waitress’ ass is not considered a tip and will most likely get you flagged.

Children in the Bar
This is right at the top of my list next to the seat situation.  I’ll say this until I’m blue in the face, but kids do not belong in bars.  If you have a kid and want to grab a beer get a babysitter.  If you can’t find a babysitter get a six pack or a bottle of wine and stay home.  Whether you like it or not, bringing your kid in the bar is bad parenting.

Obviously a lot of people don’t agree with me on this stance. In fact there are more and more bars advertising “Mommy Happy Hour”.  This totally disgusts me.  Things are done and said in bars that children should not be exposed to (I don’t care of the time of day).  One time I was asked by a mother to put my cigarette out because her son was there.  Why should I have to change my behavior in a place where children don’t belong because children are there?  Most people go to the bar to get away from their kids.  They don’t need to deal with other people’s kids while they’re trying to unwind.

About six years back my buddy Andy bartended at this bar in Brooklyn.  (SIDEBAR: Andy currently owns a bar in Brooklyn called The Way Station.  It’s MINT to put it mildly.  If you’re ever in Prospect Heights, check it out and give Andy some love.).  Every Sunday around 5:00 a group of us would go there, have some drinks, and shoot the shit with Andy (we even once had the legendary “Jay-B-Q”, which needs to happen again).

Well one Sunday I’m walking toward the bar and noticed there were strollers lined up outside. When I walked in it looked like I was at Chuck E Cheese, not a bar.  Although bizarre, I sat down and grabbed a beer next to a buddy of mine.  I could only get half a beer down before I told Andy I’d be back once the day care center was shut down.

I eventually came back a couple hours later and was happy to see I was able to interact with adults.  Well this situation inspired Andy and prompted him to write what is now the well-known “Stroller Manifesto”.

The Stroller Manifesto is a one page document that basically said that children have no place in bars and that if you brought a child in the bar while he was working you were not getting served (damn right).  Well what started out as a laminated document that Andy would hang up outside of a bar he was working, caught fire and was picked up by The Village Voice, New York Magazine, Time Out New York, and The New York Post (among others), as well as many online publications (it was very big in the bad parenting blogs that endorse bringing their kids to a bars). 

Since I was one of the inspirations for the manifesto and have long been against babies in bars, I was contacted by The New York Post and was interviewed about the manifesto for a feature they were doing on Andy.  I made my mom proud when it read “Jay Platt, 31, barfly” after my quotes that were used.

The Jukebox
I can be a music snob; I make no qualms about that.  I know some bartenders who if they don’t like the song they will skip it.  As much as I hate “Don’t Stop Believing” (that seems to be one of the more popular songs that gets skipped), I think it’s a little fucked up to do that.  Even though I’m grateful I don’t have to deal with a bunch of drunken assholes sinking along with Steve Perry (well actually only the first verse and chorus, most of the douchers who play this song don’t know the rest of the lyrics), if you paid for that song you’re entitled to hear it.  I stand behind the idea you can play whatever music you want in the jukebox, but there are a couple considerate things you can do to make others around you less likely to give you shit for playing Jack Johnson.
  •           Don’t play the same artist twice in a row.  Mix it up a bit.  If you want to hear two songs by Oasis, space them out.  There’s no need to blow your Oasis load at once.  Oh, and NEVER pull the entire record card.  If you want to hear Bon Jovi’s Slippery When Wet, listen to it at home.  There’s no reason to torture everyone around you with your bad hair metal.
  •           Don’t jump songs.  A lot of these new internet jukeboxes have a “play next” feature for an extra credit.  I hate that feature.  If you didn’t get to the jukebox in time you need to wait you’re fucking turn.   The Strokes aren’t going anywhere, no need to rush it. Skipping songs just pisses off the guy who waited patiently to hear his song.
  •           This only works when the bar isn’t crowded, but it never hurts to ask the bartender if there’s anything they would like to hear.  Not a mandatory move, but a little kindness to the bartender never hurts.

One thing I do condone is bullying the jukebox.  If you’re out and some jackoff is reliving his high school days playing TKA and Stevie B, it’s perfectly acceptable to drop a ten in the jukebox and stuff it full of good songs.  Just make sure you follow the above rules.

Getting Flagged
Sometimes when you’re at a bar you might have had too much fun and forgot to know when to say when.  There’s no shame in it, it happens to everyone at least once.  What could be shameful is how you deal with it.

There’s one way to handle this situation and its real simple; get up, thank the bartender, and leave.  Don’t beg for one more drink and don’t argue with the bartender and make a spectacle of yourself.  They have the power and in most cases aren’t drinking, so they know how drunk you are.  If you argue you end up looking like an asshole and saying things you’ll probably regret (I’ve made this mistake before but have learned from my errors).

I’m not telling anyone what to do, but following some of these simple rules will make it less likely you’ll embarrass yourself.  Do you have any personal bar etiquette?  Leave a comment or drop me a line at gimmeasign@gmail.com.  Follow me on Twitter @JayPlatt