As I wrote about earlier, I went to a Katy Perry concert earlier this week in Oakland and not only did I see a half naked, gorgeous pop star prance around the stage for two hours, I witnessed quite a bit more. I had the opportunity to witness Fandom on a whole new plain; the likes of which this Advanced Fan has never seen before. You see, I’m a fan of many things; my teams (Jets, Mets, Rangers, etc.) and my music (RUSH, 3, KISS, anything progressive, etc.) just to name a few. But what I experienced on Monday night at the Oracle arena was something I had never experienced before; pop music Fandom. This animal was untamed, and off the hook. You would think this list was just 16-year-old little girls and maybe some parents, but no, this list was way more than that, and a little frightening.
The Teenage Girl – So this one is self-explanatory and probably accounted for 75% of the audience and rightfully so. Katy Perry is a little edgier than your typical pop star, and her lyrics are not something I would want my teenage daughter singing (“I wanna see your Peacock-cock-cock, your Peacock”) but that aside, your average 13 to 19 year old girl is what I would expect to see at this concert. This group is rabid, and crazy and apparently drunk. Let me tell you, I haven’t seen that many drunk teenage girls since Big Ben Roethlisberger stopped slipping mickeys at dive bars. I’m willing to bet if the Oakland PD had the manpower (they are currently to busy dealing with Occupy Oakland) they could have had one of the most massive fake ID raids of all-time. How did all these girls get so wasted? Unless they are all super young looking 21 year olds? I don’t know, but what I do know is these banshees can scream, WOW! Sloppy, drunk and loud….sounds like my kind of night, but be careful boys sometimes these girls look 25-years-old and that is a trap you don’t want to spring.
The 20-something girl – I don’t think this group exists. It’s either teenagers who look 25, or cougars that look 25. Either way, be careful with this group.
The Cougar – Now, being a man in his thirties, nothing is hotter than seeing a 35 to 45 year old decked out in fish-nets, bousteir, glittery make-up, blue wig and skirts so short that this portion of the article can be part of our moustache conversation. Of course, I’m being sarcastic. Ladies, I don’t mean to put you down, and make you feel insecure because most of you were very pretty and downright hot, but grab a notepad and take a lesson. Katy Perry herself would not dress like that to go to a concert. It is sad to see a 40 year old dressed like that. I’m not going to go into it any further, it just is.
The Dignified Woman – Well, there are very few of these, I was lucky enough to be with one of them. They are beautifully, appropriately dressed for their age, and just excited enough to make the show fun. They sing loudly, and scream when necessary. These girls are usually with someone on a date and are just a joy to be around. I wish I was sitting next to a few more of these people. Instead, I had teenagers in front of us, and a 10-year-old behind us. UGH!
The 10-year old and their parents – As obnoxious and ear-piercing as the teenagers were, the 10-year-old and their parents are ridiculous. Look, first off why are you bringing your 10-year-old to see a half naked girl sing about kissing girls, and going all the way for two and a half hours? I mean, I will probably do the same thing and defend myself at that time, but right now I have to tell you, it’s bad parenting. Secondly, if you are going to bring your child to a concert, please keep them in line. I mean, this goes for all venues (restaurant, movies, train, airplanes, etc.); control your child. As a father of roughly 2,000 kids I know that it’s not an easy task to keep your kids in line in public. Mostly because you can’t hit or threaten to hit them in public, but for the sake of the people around you, and your own safety you have to. I say this because my wife was continuously blinded and had her head violated by this little 10-year-old boy, of all things, shining a flashlight in her eyes and ass-butting her head for two and a half hours. Multiple times I turned around and glared at his parents, and being a parent myself I know the glare of people swearing off pro-creation because of the punishment your child is inflicting on their senses, but to no avail, the ass-butting continued.
Guys – OK, so there are some sub-catagories here and since males made up maybe 5% of the 15,000 people that were there I feel safe putting them all together.
*Gay guys – DUH, most female pop stars are loved by gay men I think. Since Madonna, I think most of them play to that demographic. Now, I’m not a gay man but I feel Katy Perry would definitely be a fav of that community and judging by what I saw on Monday night, I think I’m right.
*Gay guys posing as straight guys – Yes I saw you, you’re not fooling anyone.
*Guys there because they want to get laid – This happens at every concert. It’s either a date situation, or a group of single guys hoping to score with some girl high on the sexuality of the performance and drunk enough to not care that you are a straight guy at a Katy Perry concert without a girl (which means you’re there to score, get it). You can see these guys from a mile away. They usually have their shirts off, and are being overly masculine. This is to separate themselves from the gay guys, so there is no mistaking them as gay. These guys don’t even know who’s performing, they just stick their c*cks in the air and pick up the scent; like a coke hound.
*Guys there because they want to make their significant others happy – That would be me. Although I enjoyed the show, I would never have gone if it were just me. These guys are sprinkled about the arena. You can usually spot them via radar, and connect with them through eye contact and a simple nod of the head.
Adults who don’t know why they are there – OK, this was an odd one. I’ve been to concerts before where people obviously didn’t belong (I saw an infant at a Pantera show once, no sh*t) but some of these were just uncomfortable. I saw four senior citizens in blue wigs. No, not wigs they were trying to pass off as actual hair, and no not a bad dye job, actual Katy Perry sanctioned blue wigs. WTF!?
“Grandma, where are you going?”
“To play bridge with Ethel.”
“What’s with the blue wig? Halloween was weeks ago. Uh oh, did you forget your meds again?
“No, dear, just trying something new.”
“OK, well be careful, we don’t want to have you accidentally commited again. Remember when you went to play bridge at Ethel’s with KISS make-up on, that didn’t go so well did it?”
“ Ok Dear, don”t wait up, it’s going to be another late night at Ethel’s.”
All this time, Grandma and her friends are sneaking off to arenas going to teeny bopper concerts. What an odd sight, but go for yours gram; get your “Teenage Dream” on with your blue wig.
All in all, it was a pretty harmless crowd; the gay boys kept to themselves, and the gropers were usually there with a gropee to keep them occupied. The dangerous spots in this crowd are the shirtless, Abercrombie crew who think they are tough and the stealth teenage girl who looks 25 but is actually 17: BEWARE OF THIS.
I have to say, I’ve been studying fandoms for years now and this one was a tough one to get a hold of. I’m not sure if it’s a formed unit yet, I guess only time will tell. I do have to say though, most of the people at this show truly love this artist, and I can see why (check out my piece from earlier in the week http://thesportsriot.blogspot.com/2011/11/and-now-for-something-completely.html).
Anyone one else who was at this show or have seen Ms. Perry in another city, drop me a line and let me know what your thoughts are thesportsriot@yahoo.com. I wouldn’t call myself a fan, but I can why I would be.
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