Top 5 Things The Riot! is Thankful For

Happy Thanksgiving Rioters!  Thanksgiving is a day we awake and recover from the hangover from the night before, spend the day with friends and family, and become so gluttonous that we consume more food in one sitting than an African village does in an entire month. 

Personally it’s my favorite holiday.  It gives me  chance to reflect and be thankful for the things I have.  There are the trivial things like having a job, knowing my bills are paid (well most of them), a roof over my head, family, friends, and my significant other.  Then there’s the important things; the meat and potatoes of life.  Of course I’m talking about beer, sports, and music.

When Chris and I discussed each doing a top 5 of what we are thankful for in sports, it really got me thinking.  With all the gratitude I have when it comes to sports how could I possibly narrow it down to five things?  Well after taking a shower, putting away laundry, and chain smoking seven cigarettes I managed to narrow it down.

5 – Thanksgiving Day Football – When I think of Thanksgiving I think of turkey and football (although I probably should think about pilgrims giving thousands of injuns small pox, but that’s not the American way).  For years now it’s been great to watch the football games after a belly full of grub, but it still has its annoyances.  First off the Cowboys play ever year no matter how bad they are (I hate the Cowboys).  Secondly due to poor scheduling the games were nothing more than average.  This year is finally different.

The Detroit Lions are finally a relevant team and that make me as happier than seeing Wayne Fontes inhale a giant bowl of pudding.  At 7-3, they’ll host the undefeated Packers.  I’m expecting a high scoring game with Matthew Stafford and Aaron Rogers gun slinging the pigskin down the field.  My prediction 42-38 Lions.  Book it.  Kevin Smith will have another big game (he better since I’m starting him in fantasy football this season), and the cheeseheads will be crying in their beer.

There’s one BIG issue I have with the Lions/Packers game; the halftime show.  Nickelback is the “talent”  (I use that word very loosely), and is scheduled to perform.  I HATE Nickelback and my hatred runs deep.  Their music completely sucks.  I put it on a shelf with Three Doors Down, Puddle of Mudd, and Stain’d.  I file this under “White Trash Rock”, and there’s no room for that shit in my music catalog. Then there’s their cheesy pyrotechnic show.  It’s so campy and overproduced even KISS finds it offensive.  I hate Nickelback so much I’ve walked out of stores if I heard one of their songs playing (I know I have problems, don’t judge me).  My hatred for this second-rate shitty band isn’t my issue (well it really is).  My other issue is they’re Canadian!

I have plenty of love for my friends North of the border, so this isn’t some type of bullshit “I don’t want them there Can-a-dian’s playing my football game.”  It’s not a “these colors don’t run” speech either.  My issue is Thanksgiving is really an American holiday.  I think it would be more fitting it was played by Americans (just like Three Doors Down shouldn’t play a Boxing Day event).  An American from Detroit would be a plus.  I think clowns like Kid Rock and Eminem both suck, but at least they have some roots in the city where the game is being held.  If I had my way, I’d love to see Ted Nugent tear shit up during halftime at Ford Field (I’ll overlook his facist political views).

4 – NBA Lockout – There’s still no NBA and quite frankly I don’t care.  In fact I like it.  Although I have love for the Knicks and was looking forward to seeing Amar’e Stoudamire and Carmelo Anthony finally turn a great franchise around, I’m not going to lose any sleep over it.  The big plus it’s less I’ll have to hear Charles Barkley.

 I loathe Barkley.  I didn’t like him as a player and I can’t stand him less as an announcer.  He really contributes nothing.  He likes to hear his own voice by trying to be a tough guy or telling a poorly thought out joke.  I used to find it entertaining because the guy is such a choad, but now it’s just annoying (he’s on par with the Skylar Brothers).  The only thing that makes him appear entertaining is that Ernie Johnson has the personality of a cigarette butt.  Unfortunately I still have to hear Barkley’s monosyllabic nonsense on the radio from time to time but it’s a lot better than his shtick on TNT.

I actually have benefitted from the lockout because of an encounter I had with Kevin Durant.  A few weeks ago I went to the Mitchell & Ness Store here in Philadelphia with the intention of buying a Quebec Nordiques hat (the next city to return to glory with an NHL franchise).  After looking around for a bit I saw a bitchin’ Kansas City Scouts hat (if you don’t know who the Scouts are, look it up).  Since I’ve never seen one before, it was a score for a hat dork like me, so I picked it up.  As I headed to the counter I saw this giant black guy.  He too was looking at the Scouts hat.  The register girl told me it was Kevin Durant.  So I had to go introduce myself (I wish I had business cards because I’m the kind of guy Kev wants to know).  We took a few pics (those to follow), and I went on my merry way.  It’s nice to know that even though Kev is unemployed he’s still contributing to the economy.

3 – Winnipeg Jets – Big surprise here.  Chris and I have never hid our love for the City of Winnipeg and the return of the Jets.  We campaigned for their return for a long time now and it’s great to see them back.  I listen to them on the radio and watch the game whenever I can (which isn’t exactly easy in Philadelphia unless I have the Center Ice package, but I’m a starving artist).  Saturday I was watching the Jets/Flyers game with the better half and her brother came over.  He asked me if I was really a Jets fan or if I just liked the hat.  I think he knew the answer when he watched me cheer every time the Jets beat Sergei Bobrowsky (eventually the channel was changed to college football).

While the team does still have some questions, the Jets are only going to get better and I’m looking forward to 2012 when they return to Philadelphia (hopefully they’ll score 10 goals this time).

I’m also thankful that as a result of the Jets returning to Winnipeg, that Atlanta no longer has a hockey team.  Like our love for Winnipeg we have also never hid our disgust for the lack of fandom in the “Crab Apple” (when I lived there the yokels would tell me “You’re from the Big Apple, now you live in the Little Apple.”  After about three hours living there I dubbed it the crab apple).  Atlanta is a terrible sports town and doesn’t deserve a hockey team when there are cities out there that are dying to have one.

2 – No John Madden – I think I’m beginning to develop a pattern here.  It’s appearing I’m only thankful for things in sports I won’t have to see (with the exception of the Jets).  What can I tell you, I’m an angry guy, but it only fuels my fandom.  There are plenty of things I love but I guess I might take them for granted.  Anyway, enough of my digression, let’s get angry.

I know it’s been a few years since the slob Madden graced with his Thanksgiving coverage on Fox.  I’m thankful for this every day but more so on Thanksgiving because I know I won’t have to hear his dimwitted insight.  Aside from him lending his name to one of the best video games ever made I have no use for the guy.  He was a poor announcer with bad long-winded stories.  That’s if you can understand what he was saying.  Half the time it sounded like he was trying to get words out between bites of a ham and swiss hoagie.  It’s no surprise Pat Summerall was a drunk.  I’d need a bottle of Jack Daniels just to get through the first half of a game if I had to sit next to that fat bastard.

Then there’s that stupid turkey he would waddle out with (well or get someone to bring out.  If he had to do it himself he couldn’t get 10 steps without starting to nosh on it).  Although ridiculous, it taught me one thing.  Fat Johnny only liked white meat.  Think about it.  If you go back and look at pictures of the turkey it consists of eight legs and thighs, thrown together.  There were no breasts.  What he didn’t shove already down his gullet was waiting for him on his tour bus.

A little known fact about John Madden:  He was never really scared to fly.  He was blacklisted from the airlines because his fat as couldn’t fit in the seat.

1 – Not Thinking About The Phillies Collapse – This still haunts part of me every day, although it’s slowly getting easier.  The fact that the Phillies dominated the entire season, only to shit the bed in the playoffs killed me.  After going through all seven stages of grief at once, which lasted about 10 days (Chris did post a nice email rant I sent him after the Phillies collapsed like a folding chair supporting John Madden’s ass), then I would curse Ryan Howard every day.  I almost felt what it was like to be a Mets fan (except the Phillies collapsed AFTER they made the playoffs).  It didn’t help either that the Eagles have played like a Division II Jr. College.

Now that the World Series is over and baseball’s second season has started it’s getting easier.  I love the offseason.  It’s where Ruben Amaro Jr. will figure out what went wrong in October and make sure it doesn’t happen again (in theory).  They’ve already added a new closer (Jonathon Papelbon), and two big bats off the bench (Ty Wigginton and Jim Thome), so things are moving in the right direction.  Next is to re-sign Jimmy Rollins (or bring in a shortstop who is proven and more talented), and sign Mike Cuddyer, and I’ll be a happy guy counting the days until February when pitchers and catchers report.

It could be worse.  I could actually be a Mets fan.  Then I’d know what it was like to root for a team that has been run into the ground.  It’s not going to be pretty next year when they’re looking up at the Nationals in the standings.

As you can see I’m pretty thankful.  What are you thankful for?  Drop me a line at shatmeself@yahoo.com and let me know.  I don’t want to hear about the trivial crap like your dog, kids, Jesus, lawnmower, or wife.  I want what really matters.  Your fandom (well if you are really thankful for your lawnmower, I’ll accept that too).  Oh, and if you’re really thankful, you’ll follow us on Twitter @thesportsriot.  Have a happy and safe Thanksgiving.