This was an email I recieved yesterday from co-Rioter! Jay. He, as you well know by now, is an insane Phillies fan. When I last had contact with him he was not very happy. He had actually appeared to go through all seven stages of grief at once, while texting me. The Cards were celebrating, and Jay was frantically texting. The more traumatic part of this loss for Jay is that he couldn't even watch it happen (he was stuck a wedding rehearsal dinner for his cousin, a real challenge to anyone's Fandom). He had to get text updates from me, which as a fan you know is excruciating. So all day yesterday I got the silent treatment as I called and texted Jay all day, but radio silence was established. Now Jay is an Advanced Fan, so I feared the worst, but then I got the following email this morning. I hope you enjoy, it's a classic. So classic, I felt I needed to share it with you, The Rioters! I think Jay would've wanted it this way. (Disclaimer: This is an angry, bitter Phillies fan who just saw his team crushed by a less than stellar Cardinals squad who has no business beating them.This could get offensive and we promise to return to regular family friendly programming tomorrow. Thanks, mgmt)
Dude,
What the f&*k? Its sickening to me a bunch of overpriced dickbags can't even show up for a Game 5.
As you know I'm in San Diego for my cousins wedding so I figured the time differential could play in my favor but I couldn't even watch the abortion that happened in South Philadelphia.
The rehearsal dinner was at 5:30, so I was already frustrated I wouldn't be able to watch the game because the dinner was outside on the San Diego Bay and there was no indoor bar with a tv. I spent the entire night checking the game in my iPhone hoping the Phillies would not play like a bunch of no talent peckerheads. I was trying to figure some way to catch the game; faking an illness almost happened.
After what I followed, I'm actually glad I didn't see the f&*king game because I probably would have hurled a beer bottle at the tv after Howard again ended a Phillies season with a half-hearted at-bat.
At least I got to spend time with family I haven't seen in a while, eat some bitchin' food, and take full advantage of an open bar while tracking the Phillies shitting the bed.
Speaking of Howard, I heard he hurt himself in his final at-bat. Who the f$*k cares? It's not like it f$*king matters. The only thing it might affect is his golf game and his ability to troll for pussy at some douchebag Philly bar.
Dammit, I have to put the phone down for a minute. I'm back at my hotel and I need to run and grab one or eight room beers. Packing on a good buzz might stop me from randomly beating the s$*t out of the first a*hole who makes a comment about the Phillies.
Be back...
I'm back, beer cracked. By the way? Why is it so fucking cold in San Diego tonight? It's because the Phillies suck. That's why...
I still cant believe the way the offense played over the entire series. They couldn't even hit the Cardinals bullpen. I guarantee we can put together a team of tee ball players and retarded kids and they can hit the Cardinals bullpen. It's total s#*tbag.
Maybe if they gave the players "incentives" to play they actually would. For example, if you tell Carlos Ruiz (who batted .059 in the series) "Look Carlos, if you don't have a good series we'll make sure you'll have some serious visa issues come spring." I guarantee he'll bat over .400. Do you wanna know why? Because he doesn't want to be stuck in Panama picking goddamn oranges for a living!
The pitching staff did their job, but the offense is absolutely embarrassing.
On another f#*king note, Baseball Tonight is on the hotel TV, which by the way I had a better TV in my bedroom when I was in high school, and Nyjer Morgan is being interviewed. He just referred to the Brewers fans as "The Nation". Is he f#*king serious??? You know my stance on any "Nation". Its totally f%*king gay (not in a Wayne Simmonds/Sean Avery way), and makes me want to break things.
Another thing about the Brewers. What is that two handed mimmic of a bear the players do when they get a good hit? That's f%*king stupid and makes no reference to what a "Brewer" is. It's not a damn bear. A Brewer brews beer! Maybe looking like you're chugging a beer after a double might be funny and relevant but that bear, zombie, or guy who works in a haunted house at a carnival is stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
In the subject of chugging beer, let me do some of that.
The loss of this series is a massive disappointment and embarrassment for myself and the entire City of Philadelphia. It's inexcusable the way the offense performed and hopefully there will be a massive overhaul where the overpriced c%*ksuckers who don't earn their keep won't be here next season.
It's bad enough the Eagles have become a complete joke. Now the Phillies totally fail. F#%king ridiculous.
At least hockey just started and I can watch the Flyers and maybe they can give the city a reason to cheer. That, the Jets, and the Oilers. Hockey being said, I need to drown my sorrows in the bottom of a bottle and work on some fantasy hockey trades (I've dorked out to two keeper leagues this season).
Above all, it could be worse, I could be an Atlanta fan. We both know those shitheads are an embarrassment to all of sports.
F$%k the Cardinals, f#*k cold San Diego weather, and f$%k Ryan Howard.
I need a cigarette. Talk soon. Wedding is tomorrow night but I'll be around before then. Hopefully I won't have to cut a bitch because they have a smart mouth about the Phillies.
J
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