Well we’re balls deep into Movember and the facial hair is no longer limited to dirty hipster kids. If you’re unaware what Movember is, every year during the month of November men do not shave and grow out that wonderful facial feature made famous by 70's porn stars and Burt Reynolds; moustaches. The reasoning behind it is to raise awareness for prostate cancer (moustaches and facial hair are pretty manly). Chris hasn't shaved since August, so he's got some caveman shi*t going on and I myself haven’t shaved since the first. Although I don’t have a moustache I am sporting some facial patches that are intended to be a beard (damn I’m smooth). Maybe on Thanksgiving I’ll shave it into a dick duster of my own, but for now I’m quite content with my sketchy beard.
In sports players love to express themselves and facial hair is one way they do so (except if you’re on the Yankees and are tied to the stupid Steinbrenner no facial hair rule). So what would be better to honor Movember then a Top 5 of the best moustaches in sports?
5 – Keith Hernandez - “The John Holmes” – This was a toss up between Hernandez and Don Mattingly. Both players graced New York with some fine moustaches in the 1980’s, but I gave the edge to Hernandez because he still sports the ‘stache. Straight out of a late 70’s porno, Keith saw John Holmes and raised him a better moustache. Hernandez’s moustache was so well groomed, the moustache itself could have won an MVP award. What's not to like about this moustache? Except for the fact that I’m sure it got in the way when he was blowing lines off a stripper’s ass (the ‘stache’s namesake John Holmes had the same complaint). That being said, if the moustache was good enough for Elaine, it’s good enough for me.
4 – Dave Babych - “The Don’t F*ck With” – Babych’s moustache is so legendary, there are hockey blogs named after it and Facebook fan pages devoted to it Thick and bushy, this patch of hair just didn’t make Babych look bad-ass and kept him out of bar fights, it also helped him block shots. If you ever encounter anyone with this moustache, keep them at arm’s length as they can snap at any time. They are ones not to be f*cked with (hence the name of the ‘stache). They can be found at local bars in the Midwestern United States and Canada, NASCAR races, and state fairs. If you should encounter one, do not feed them whiskey. It only aggravates the moustache which only makes matters worse.
3 – Sal Fasano – “The Stitches” – If it wasn’t for Fasano’s bitchin’ moustache he would have been out of baseball five years ago. The perennial backup catcher who can’t hit his weight had an advantage for any runner trying to score from second. Before rounding third, they had to think twice about the ‘stache. He’s not the only one sporting a “Stiches” (because it’s shaped like stitches on a baseball), but he also had the balls to sport a mullet that would make Kenny Powers jealous. Similar to “The Don’t F*ck With”, the combination of “The Stiches” and a mullet can be dangerous.
2 – Rollie Fingers – “The Greaseball” – Closers tend to wear facial hair in the style of the job they would have if they weren’t playing baseball. Think about it. Brian Wilson would be a pirate, Goose Gossage would be a carnie (specializing in moustache rides), and Jon Axford would (or possibly is) be white trash. This brings us to Mr. Fingers. What would he be you ask? Clearly he’s a greaseball organ grinder. A ‘stache like that is waxed to a tee and would make any barbershop quartet jealous and any organ screaming to be grinded.
This reminds me of an old joke. Why does an organ grinder have a monkey? Someone has to keep the books (I’m aloud to make Italian jokes since I’m a quarter Guinea).
1 – Lanny McDonald – “The Walrus” – This moustache speaks for itself and no words can give it proper justice. I only can dream to have a moustache like Lanny (as well as that cool of a name). I’ll go as far as saying that his moustache is so bad ass it should be in the Facial Hair Hall of Fame (along with the boys in ZZ Top). That makes every Canadian proud. Sure he loses some points for being a ginger (which means he also has no soul), but if you can find a better moustache in all the world of sports, feel free to let me know.
Honorable mentions:
Don Mattingly
George Parras
Dennis Eckersley
Dale Earnhardt
Did I leave anyone out? Who is in your Top 5? Hit me up at shatmeself@yahoo.com and we can discuss it. Remember to follow us on Twitter @TheSportsRiot. If you’re not following us you have a higher chance of getting cancer.
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