Well Rioters! we are a quarter of the way through the 2011-12 NHL season and the league is beginning to shape up with who are the pretenders and who are the actual contenders. If you don’t believe me last season a study was done in Toronto and it found that 77.5% of the teams that are in the top eight in their division make the playoffs. This is the time of year when the men are separated from the boys (I’m sure Jerry Sandusky used that line often). In saying that, it’s report card time. I always hated getting a report card. What used to really piss me off was that it always came out right before a holiday break or vacation so it could f*ck up your time off (at least in my case). Normally I tried to hide it for as long as possible and tried to have one of my friends forge my mom’s signature (actually being a good student never really crossed my mind). In the long run it always blew up in my face but at least I didn’t get busted for my half-assed forgery until after the break. Anyway enough of my life as a shitty student, what grade does your favorite NHL team get in their quarterly report card?
Boston Bruins – Despite a slow start the defending Stanley Cup Champions have found last year’s magic and are back on top. Sophomore Tyler Seguin is leading the offense and Tim Thomas has been unbeatable over the past month. Bruins fans are currently shitting rainbows.
Grade: A
Buffalo Sabres – I honestly expected a little more out of the Sabres given the talent on their roster. The excuse could be the injury to goalie Ryan Miller but that’s bullshit because Miller currently ranks 33rd in GAA and has a losing record. Their offense is underachieving and they have no real physical game, which will hurt them in the long run.
Grade: C
Carolina Hurricanes – Carolina has been terrible so far. Cam Ward can’t stop a beach ball, Eric Stall couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn with a puck, and the defense is so bad it makes the Islanders look good. I’m sure they’re regretting the Thomas Kabrle trade. He’s an offensive defenseman who can’t play defense and forgot how to play offense. What a waste.
Grade: F
Florida Panthers – The Panthers are one of the biggest surprises at this point in the season. Kris Versteeg, Jose Theodore, Thomas Fleischmann are all playing way above their career averages and the trade for Brian Campbell looks like a steal (despite his big contract), since he’s playing like an All-Star. I’m still not sold on this team, but for now all systems go.
Grade: A
Montreal Canadiens – Sorry Habs fans, the Canadiens aren’t very good. Sure, Carey Price is one of the best goaltenders in the league, but the offense is non-existent (they are currently in the bottom quarter of the conference in goals scored), and it’s not going to get any better unless Erik Cole decides to earn his paycheck (which he won’t).
Grade: D
New Jersey Devils – The Devils are exactly where I expected them to be; spending the season around eighth in the conference. The goaltending is a big concern. Martin Brodeur and Johan Hedberg are senior citizens by NHL standards and are injury prone. This doesn’t bode well for a team that doesn’t score goals. Hopefully they’ll get a spark when Travis Zajac returns because every Devils fan knows that the cheap bastard Lou Lamarello isn’t going to open his wallet to bring in a superstar via trade.
Grade: C
New York Islanders – This team is a joke from the ownership to the shitty product they put on the ice. It’s a damn shame because the Islanders do have a great NHL history (even if it was 30 years ago). I can’t wait until I see Islanders fans start wearing paper bags on their head. I know I would if I rooted for them. Their style of hockey is an embarrassment to the entire league and it won’t change until there’s new ownership in place (which isn’t likely).
Grade: F
New York Rangers – Hendrik Lundquist has become the best goalie in the Eastern Conference and that’s a good thing because the Rangers have struggled to score goals. This is surprising given the talent on the roster. That tells me the Rangers are due for an offensive breakout. This team is a lot better than I have given them credit for.
Grade: B
Ottawa Senators – The Senators are playing better than I expected them to but they still aren’t very good. They are probably one of the most physical teams in the conference but their goaltending is junk (they’d be better suited to bring up prospect Robin Lehner and throwing him to the wolves), and the offense isn’t consistent. They are a punching bag for the rest of the division and that’s not going to change.
Grade: D
Philadelphia Flyers – I had high expectations from this team. A quarter of the way through I see a team that can score a lot and score often. They also give up a ton of goals and consistently turn the puck over. When Chris Pronger is not on the ice they are a different team (which happens more often than not). If they honestly expect to go deep into the playoffs Ilya Bryzgalov is going to need to take his head out of his ass and find his way out of the woods.
Grade: B
Pittsburgh Penguins – I hate the Penguins more than I hate the Devils, Rangers or Capitals and I wish I could rip them. Unfortunately I can’t. The Pens are among the league’s elite and they’ve done this without Cindy, I mean Sidney Crosby. I can only pray Gary Bettman’s wet dream will mess up team chemistry and they’ll crash and burn, but even I’m not delusional enough to think that will happen.
Grade: A
Tampa Bay Lightning – The Lightning look like a shell of the team that made it to last season’s Eastern Conference Final. The offense is still there, but the goaltending has been atrocious. Dwayne Roloson’s 3.47 GAA and .887 save percentage are among the league’s worst (it doesn’t help that he’s like 60), and while Mattieu Garon isn’t having a terrible season, the Lightning are going nowhere if he’s the starter. I think they’ll improve some but without decent goaltending, they’re screwed.
Grade: D
Toronto Maple Leafs – The Leafs have done nothing wrong this season. The league’s youngest team has the ability to score at will, and have had consistent goaltending despite multiple injuries. Things have been going so well for the Leaf’s I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop, but maybe they are the real deal. It’s been a while since the city of Toronto has had something to cheer for since the Jays, Argonauts, and Raptors blow; so good for them.
Grade: A
Washington Capitals – If the Ducks weren’t as piss poor as they are, the Capitals would be the biggest disappointment this season. I picked them to win the Stanley Cup, and they’re making me look like a choad. With Ovechkin, Semin, Backstrom, Green, and Vokoun, there’s no reason the Capitals should be barely hanging on in the conference (at the time of this writing, The Team 1260 is reporting coach Bruce Boudreau has been shitcanned).
Grade: F
Winnipeg Jets – My love for the Jets aside I have concerns about them. The offense is all or nothing, and the defense is real shaky at times. In saying that, it’s what I expected out of the Jets this season. I do think a step in the right direction would be moving Dustin Byfuglien to a forward role. He’s better suited there. I’d love to see the Jets make the playoffs this season, but I’m not going to hold my breath.
Grade: C
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