Sport or No Sport?

Maybe I’m feeling a little surly about the nice weather recently and these golf assholes thinking the 19^th hole is my corner bar. Maybe it’s that stupid green jacket you win at The Masters that has pissed me off, but I’m getting a little sick and tired of these so-called athletes talking about how grueling their poor little millionaire lives are. Personally, baseball, football, hockey, and basketball are sports.  The rest are on the fringe and should be in the category behind lawn darts.  Most of these “sports” are nothing more than over-produced leisure activities for people with too much money to waste, so I’m out to set the record straight on what is an actual sport and what is nothing but a mental health day away from the office.

Golf

Sorry to break your hearts folks, but golf is NOT a sport.  It’s a leisure activity for the rich (and currently not so rich if you get your public course on), who have no place to spend their money.  Granted, I’m sure it’s real grueling to walk around a field as you stroke your balls 450 yards just to try and sink it in a little hole.  Bullshit.  I don’t buy into it for a second.  As a matter of fact that description alone sounds like what a creepy bastard armed with duct tape and a white van does on a Friday night (which isn’t a sport either).  Besides, any activity that has a “mini” version isn’t a sport to me.

Maybe back in the 80’s when golf consisted of coked out doctors and lawyers  doing their best to deviate their septum’s, it might be a sport, but even then not really, it just added a dodgier side to an activity about as fun to watch as flies f*ck.

Two more words that prove golf isn’t a sport:  John Daly.  Does he strike you as an athlete?  I think not…

Bowling

This is 100% absolutely a sport.  If you can drink beer, smoke cigarettes, and compete against another man, you should never complain.  In fact you should embrace it.  It’s how bonds and rivalries are formed.  I want to see one of those golf fags bowl a 300 game.  It’ll never happen (the obvious excuse would be because their legs are so tired from walking the links). 

Lest not forget the bitchin’ shirts you wear, and polyester pants.  It’s like a late 70’s disco, only a lot f*cking better.

Also, if there’s a shot Walter Sobchek will pull a piece on you for going over the line, it’s damn sure a sport.

Tennis

Swing and a miss on this one.  Not a sport.  This is the hobby the coked up wives of doctors and lawyers in the 80’s did while the boys were playing a little small ball.  This of course when they weren’t taking advantage of the gardener in the pool house.  Unless you are from an Eastern Bloc country looking for a way out and weren’t man enough to play hockey, running back and forth hitting a little green ball is stupid.  When you see Jim Courier and Boris Becker do you think man?  I think not.  Billy Jean King and Martina Navratilova had bigger balls.

The one redeeming value of tennis is John McEnroe.  Only because he was such an asshole it made Wimbledon worth watching (and he also married Patty Smyth, so I guess John is “The Warrior”).

Poker

Although I do take part in card game from time to time (most recently in a van), this is not a sport.  This is a card game started by degenerate gamblers looking for a reason to come home and beat their wives (normally if they won or lost).  It’s now evolved into a phenomenon which has become a favorite pastime at frat houses all over the United States (slightly edging out date rape).  While it does take some skill (a good face and reading other people), and players think they have an edge by covering their face like they are ready to knock off a liquor store, 90% of the game is the luck of the draw.  If Gerry the retarded comedian from Facts of Life can have a shot at winning a Texas Hold ‘Em tournament, then it’s definitely not a sport.

Don’t even get me started on the “World Series of Poker”.  What a crock of shit that is.  First off, I swear this “World Series” happens four times a year, and outside of Doyle Brunson, consists of some of the biggest sleazebags in North America.  It’s the equivalent of five Mexicans playing dominos in front of a bodega in the South Philly, minus a TV deal from ESPN.

In saying all this, I do stand behind the World Series of Dice.  I’m a big supporter of Ashy Larry.

Polo

Polo is a crossbreed of field hockey and croquet on a horse.  I just wish there was a goalie on a horse too.  Are the polo players athletes?  I wouldn’t say so, since the horses do the work and most polo players are plagued with a disease called douchebaggery. 

The jury is still out on this one, but I might lean toward yes.   We’ll come back to this at a later date.

Bull Riding

Bull riders are the kind of guys you don’t want to fuck with, but is it a sport?  You’re goddamn right it is.  What is more balls out then riding a pissed off bull with one hand for eight seconds, knowing if you fall off that bull he can impale you with his horns or simply trample you?  Those are some hard facts to face before you get on that bull.  Is Phil Mickleson man enough for this task?  No shot.  I also guarantee Tiger Woods or Pete Sampras wouldn’t make the grade either (even Chad “Your Last Name is F*cking Stupid” Ochocinco only lasted 1.5 seconds on a bull).

Besides, it’s the only manly thing you can do in chaps.  Everything else involves sweaty men dancing to the Village People drinking daiquiris (which is also not a sport)…

Volleyball

Do you know what is great about volleyball?  Hot chicks, marginally dressed, whose bodies are glistening with baby oil and sweat, covered in sand.  Do you know what’s not great about volleyball?  Dudes who wear visors. 

Beach volleyball is a great beach activity, but not a sport.  It’s like building a sand castle, but a little more physical, and hopefully it involves a 12 pack and a couple fine looking little chippies. 

Indoor volleyball (you know the nine man team game you played in jr. high gym class or at some lame company picnic), is flat out stupid.  When I was in high school my girlfriend at the time played collegian volleyball for FIT (Fashion Institute of Technology), and she was a hell of a designer, but nowhere close to being an athlete.

Horseshoes

Yes!  Horseshoes is the BBQ sport of trailer parks all over Georgia, Florida, and Alabama.  Anytime you can wear cut off dungaree shorts, a Newport tee shirt, and toss shoes life isn’t half bad. 

I remember back in the late 90’s, I was Florida at a buddies BBQ and there was a horseshoe pit (when you play in a “pit”, it’s clearly a sport).  My buddy Matt’s drunk brother Mike showed up (I actually watched this guy get shot once.  It’s not what you think, but it’s for another time), with a Winn Dixie bag, with hooves hanging out of it.  Apparently a Mustang hit a deer in front of Mike’s trailer and he salvaged the good meat.  So yeah, I ate road kill (don’t judge me), and drank Busch Light.  But I did have 3 ringers in a hardcore horseshoe tournament. 

When you go to that level, you’re a mother*cking athlete.

Cheerleading

Just because you’re on ESPN doesn’t mean it’s a sport.  World Strongest Man is on ESPN, and that’s just a bunch of fat, marginal retarded Europeans carrying giant rocks.    Oh, and if you’re a dude who cheerleads, don’t tell anyone.  You’re not cool; you look like an emasculated asshole.

My ex-wife was a cheerleader.  Although she was in good shape, she wasn’t an athlete.

If you think I missed any don’t worry, I’ll be addressing this weekly.  If you have some requests you think I might miss, hit me up at shatmeself@yahoo.com, and I’ll be happy to address them.