Classroom 101 - Bar Etiquette

It’s pretty safe to say I’ve spent my fair share of time in bars.  I went there to watch the game, to meet new “friends”, and to write.  Above all I observed.  A lot of the ideas I got were from people talking out of their ass when they’re six beers deep.  Mostly I just listened but whenever I heard something really idiotic, I liked to inquire and get a debate going.

In saying all this, I see a lot of things that happen in bars that should never happen.  There is unspoken bar etiquette and unfortunately most people can’t spell “bar etiquette,” no less know what it actually means.  So with Super Bowl Sunday a couple days away, a lot of you will be watching it in the bar (if you weren’t invited to a party), so it’s fitting I go over some etiquette (NOTE – This applies to all bar visits, not just the Super Bowl).

Flagging Down the Bartender

If you’re at a bar and it’s crowded you need to know a word called patience.  Simply wait at the bar and the bartender will get to you.  I’ve dated my fair share of bartenders and even if they’re busy they know who is waiting for a drink.  They will get to you.  You don’t need to lean over the bar to make sure they see you.  They know you’re there.  By doing that you’re only making an ass out of yourself.  Also, NEVER snap your fingers or try and page the bartender with a “yo” or “sweetheart”.  They’re bartenders, not your personal fucking servant.  Pulling a stunt like that makes you look like a giant asshole and almost guarantees you not to get a drink.

Please & Thank You

The basis of all aspects of bar etiquette comes down to respect.  Basic manners you were hopefully taught as a child go a long way.  If you use that as a rule of thumb there’s less of a chance you’ll look like an asshole. 

Now thinking with a childhood manners mentality, when ordering a drink, order it the right way.  For example, when the bartender comes up to you, and you say “Yo, can I get…” it is God awful.  Unless you grew up in a trailer park you should damn well know better.  The proper way is “May I please…”  As I stated earlier, bartenders are doing a job and they’re not you’re friggin’ slave.  Also, once you are given your libation of choice always drop a “thank you.” Bartenders remember these things and one thing you never do in a bar is piss off the bartender.  They’re your best ally.

Also, in a crowded bar, don’t bully your way through like you’re a fat man rushing to a buffet. Say “excuse me”.

Chiming In

If you’re sitting at a bar and people are having a conversation, don’t butt in.  If people wanted your opinion they’ll ask for it.  No one likes a Chimey.  If you are in the conversation say something that contributes to the conversation.  Don’t do shtick and attempt to sound witty. When you try too hard you look like a jackass.

The Seat

This is a big issue with me.  Just because there’s an empty seat at the bar doesn’t mean it’s available.  If there’s a beverage, money, and cigarettes in front of a seat; guess what???  Someone’s sitting there.  Odds are they’re in the bathroom, smoking a cigarette, or at the jukebox.  As obvious as this seems you’d be surprised how many highly functioning retards waltz into a bar and sit in an empty chair like it’s theirs.

I’ll give you a couple examples.

Last year I was out with a buddy watching the Stanley Cup Finals.  It was in first intermission so we decided to catch a smoke.  We grabbed our beers and headed to the patio.  Mind you we each left our cigarette packs, phones, and money on the bar, so it was pretty damn obvious that the seats were taken.  Anyway, we return from our smokey treat and some chucklehead is sitting in my chair.  The conversation went down like this:

“Excuse me; you’re sitting in my chair.”

“So…”

“So get the fuck up.”

“How was I supposed to know it’s yours?  Is your name written on it?”

“No asshole, that’s my phone, money, and cigarettes.  What did you think someone was tipping the bartender an iPhone and tobacco?”

At that point the chucklehead in question got up and moved to the open seat next to mine, and proceeded to give me random dirty looks.

Another time I was at a different watering hole with a different friend.  We went out to smoke a cigarette, (this time just my money was in front of my stool), and upon my return some toolbag was in my seat.  This had a bit of a different outcome but for different reasoning.

“Excuse me, you’re in my seat.”

“No I’m not we switched, I moved your stuff.”

“Come again?”

“You heard me I moved your stuff over.”

“Wait, you took my seat and moved my shit a little to the left of the seat?  Are you fucking kidding me?”

At this point I can no longer speak of the conversation in verbatim because it’s too crude for The Riot!.  To make a long story short I lost my head and said a lot of things that would make my mom blush (and it takes a lot for that to happen).  Not because this dickweed took my seat but because he put his hands on my things (SIDEBAR:  Never, EVER, EVER touch anyone’s belongings on the bar.  I don’t care if you even need a light for your cigarette.  You ask first.  Remember it’s about a mutual respect here.  You touch the wrong person’s stuff you’re bound to get your ass kicked.).

I eventually calmed down and ironically his buddy bought my friend and I a round.  So I guess there was a positive outcome.

On the flip side…  If you mistakenly sat in someone’s seat, don’t be a dick.  Simply apologize and get up.   You’re the one in the wrong and no one likes a barroom hero.

About a year and half ago I was at a bar where an ex-girlfriend worked.  It was a Friday night and the bar was crowded but I scored a seat at the bar.  After a couple beers I went to grab a smoke (there was a beer in front of me, my hoodie on the back of the stool and my laptop bag at my feet).  Upon my return there was some Jersey Shore Hairgel sitting in my seat.  This little exchange went like this (the quotes might not be spot on because it’s dated, except the last one because I still laugh when I think of it).

“Excuse me you’re in my seat.”

“How is it your seat?”

“Well that’s my beer, that’s my hoodie on the back of the chair and that bag you’re stepping on is my laptop.”

“I didn’t know there were assigned seats here.”

“Really dude?  Have you ever been in a bar before?”

“What are you a smart guy?”

“Well using your logic if I wanted to take a piss I’d have to take my chair with me.  Does that remotely make sense to you buddy?”

“Well you got up.”

“Look dude, don’t be an asshole, just get up.  This isn’t necessary and pretty fucking high school.”

At that point the dude got up and stood next to me, just staring at me (I should have “accidentally” stepped on his white Fila’s).  Then he dropped the line of the century.

“You must think you’re pretty fucking cool with your tattoos and beard and flannel shirt and drinking PBR you hipster f***ot.”

I laughed so hard beer almost came out of my nose.  There’s a lesson here kids.  Don’t be that guy.

Physical with the Ladies

Look fellas, we all want to get laid.  We’ve all went out on a Friday night looking for the group of girls playing “Bar Slut.” Shit, if you have a decent wingman the night usually ends well.  While it’s fun to hit on the ladies, especially when you got a load on, keep your hands to yourself.  Rubbing some girls back who you just met isn’t dapper or suave, it’s actually really creepy.  You can make plenty of time by just engaging in good conversation, providing you can hold a conversation and make someone laugh.

A bigger boo boo is touching the cocktail waitress.  Like I’ve stated a few times now, these people are earning a living and work their ass off for tips.  Palming the cocktail waitress’ ass is not considered a tip and will most likely get you flagged.

Children in the Bar

This is right at the top of my list next to the seat situation.  I’ll say this until I’m blue in the face, but kids do not belong in bars.  If you have a kid and want to grab a beer get a babysitter.  If you can’t find a babysitter get a six pack or a bottle of wine and stay home.  Whether you like it or not, bringing your kid in the bar is bad parenting.

Obviously a lot of people don’t agree with me on this stance. In fact there are more and more bars advertising “Mommy Happy Hour”.  This totally disgusts me.  Things are done and said in bars that children should not be exposed to (I don’t care of the time of day).  One time I was asked by a mother to put my cigarette out because her son was there.  Why should I have to change my behavior in a place where children don’t belong because children are there?  Most people go to the bar to get away from their kids.  They don’t need to deal with other people’s kids while they’re trying to unwind.

About six years back my buddy Andy bartended at this bar in Brooklyn.  (SIDEBAR: Andy currently owns a bar in Brooklyn called The Way Station.  It’s MINT to put it mildly.  If you’re ever in Prospect Heights, check it out and give Andy some love.).  Every Sunday around 5:00 a group of us would go there, have some drinks, and shoot the shit with Andy (we even once had the legendary “Jay-B-Q”, which needs to happen again).

Well one Sunday I’m walking toward the bar and noticed there were strollers lined up outside. When I walked in it looked like I was at Chuck E Cheese, not a bar.  Although bizarre, I sat down and grabbed a beer next to a buddy of mine.  I could only get half a beer down before I told Andy I’d be back once the day care center was shut down.

I eventually came back a couple hours later and was happy to see I was able to interact with adults.  Well this situation inspired Andy and prompted him to write what is now the well-known “Stroller Manifesto”.

The Stroller Manifesto is a one page document that basically said that children have no place in bars and that if you brought a child in the bar while he was working you were not getting served (damn right).  Well what started out as a laminated document that Andy would hang up outside of a bar he was working, caught fire and was picked up by The Village Voice, New York Magazine, Time Out New York, and The New York Post (among others), as well as many online publications (it was very big in the bad parenting blogs that endorse bringing their kids to a bars). 

Since I was one of the inspirations for the manifesto and have long been against babies in bars, I was contacted by The New York Post and was interviewed about the manifesto for a feature they were doing on Andy.  I made my mom proud when it read “Jay Platt, 31, barfly” after my quotes that were used.

The Jukebox

I can be a music snob; I make no qualms about that.  I know some bartenders who if they don’t like the song they will skip it.  As much as I hate “Don’t Stop Believing” (that seems to be one of the more popular songs that gets skipped), I think it’s a little fucked up to do that.  Even though I’m grateful I don’t have to deal with a bunch of drunken assholes sinking along with Steve Perry (well actually only the first verse and chorus, most of the douchers who play this song don’t know the rest of the lyrics), if you paid for that song you’re entitled to hear it.  I stand behind the idea you can play whatever music you want in the jukebox, but there are a couple considerate things you can do to make others around you less likely to give you shit for playing Jack Johnson.

•           Don’t play the same artist twice in a row.  Mix it up a bit.  If you want to hear two songs by Oasis, space them out.  There’s no need to blow your Oasis load at once.  Oh, and NEVER pull the entire record card.  If you want to hear Bon Jovi’s Slippery When Wet, listen to it at home.  There’s no reason to torture everyone around you with your bad hair metal.
•           Don’t jump songs.  A lot of these new internet jukeboxes have a “play next” feature for an extra credit.  I hate that feature.  If you didn’t get to the jukebox in time you need to wait you’re fucking turn.   The Strokes aren’t going anywhere, no need to rush it. Skipping songs just pisses off the guy who waited patiently to hear his song.
•           This only works when the bar isn’t crowded, but it never hurts to ask the bartender if there’s anything they would like to hear.  Not a mandatory move, but a little kindness to the bartender never hurts.

One thing I do condone is bullying the jukebox.  If you’re out and some jackoff is reliving his high school days playing TKA and Stevie B, it’s perfectly acceptable to drop a ten in the jukebox and stuff it full of good songs.  Just make sure you follow the above rules.

Getting Flagged

Sometimes when you’re at a bar you might have had too much fun and forgot to know when to say when.  There’s no shame in it, it happens to everyone at least once.  What could be shameful is how you deal with it.

There’s one way to handle this situation and its real simple; get up, thank the bartender, and leave.  Don’t beg for one more drink and don’t argue with the bartender and make a spectacle of yourself.  They have the power and in most cases aren’t drinking, so they know how drunk you are.  If you argue you end up looking like an asshole and saying things you’ll probably regret (I’ve made this mistake before but have learned from my errors).

I’m not telling anyone what to do, but following some of these simple rules will make it less likely you’ll embarrass yourself.  Do you have any personal bar etiquette?  Leave a comment or drop me a line at gimmeasign@gmail.com.  Follow me on Twitter @JayPlatt