Well, either The Rapture happened this weekend and I didn’t have a ticket to Heaven, or the asshole that made this up in California had his math wrong (he already miscalculated in 1994). I still see the people I see daily but I hang out with sinners, so I’m still on the fence about the whole Rapture thing. But we all know it was clearly bullshit.
The whole end of the world idea had given me some time to ponder some things, but clearly not the type of things most would (like getting affairs in order, making peace with people, trying to backdoor in my way into heaven, etc.). I do nothing but digress.
- My rapture party included some drinks at Ray’s Happy Birthday Bar (there’s no way I was heading to Hell without seeing Tony Coach for a drink), and attending the Philllies game. The Phillies told the Rapture to stick it by watching Cliff Lee dominate and trounce the Rangers 2-0 (my personal attendance record is 5-1 this year). Even though the Phillies offense has been shitting the bed this year, they still have the best record in the National League, so I really can’t bitch (even though the Philly media is acting like the sky is falling).
- Before the game, a lady and I attended a pre-game tailgate party. It was free food and beer from 3:30-6:30. Due to someone not being on time (and that someone wasn’t me), we didn’t arrive until 4:30. This allowed us to take advantage of free beer for the remaining two hours. Twelve Millers in two hours wasn’t half bad, but probably not the smartest move.
- I’m a little sick and tired of custom made jerseys. Unless you are on the team, don’t put your f*cking name on the back. You need to earn the name on the back of that jersey. When you put your name or a nickname (which is even more absurd, screw you XFL) on the back of a team's jersey, you look like an asshole. Other things I can do without at a game are visors, flip-flops and tank tops. Dudes, you’re at a sporting event, not the f*cking beach. Get with the damn program. Oh, ladies, you’re not out of the woods either. It’s a sporting event. Save the hoochie dress, gobs of makeup (which looks like war paint), and the bamboo earrings for the club. When you dress like that at a game you look like common street trash.
- I have a personal vendetta against two people; Kirk Cameron and David Spade. Cameron, because he’s a religious zealot assbag and Spade, because he’s an unfunny douchebag. Be on the lookout fellas. I got my eyes on you.
- Cleveland, I hate to disappoint you, but the Indians will not keep up this pace. The fact they have a 30-15 record is extremely surprising, but reality will set in. Josh Tomlin leads the team with six wins, but this is a façade. He’s a young pitcher that teams haven’t seen yet and as the innings pile up, so will his losses. The same goes for Justin Masterson. Enjoy it while it lasts, Cleveland. Aside from living in a city that is a marginal step up from Detroit and Newark, your baseball team will collapse in the second half of the season, your basketball team is a joke. And don’t get me started on the Browns. Also, put away those stupid dog masks. I get the fact Cleveland is full of ugly women, but you’re only making things worse.
- Former KISS guitarist Vinnie Vincent was arrested for beating his wife and then dragging her through broken glass (I guess she didn’t do the laundry). It's a good thing he isn't a black athlete; it might be front page news.
- David Spade is an unfunny douchebag.
- The city of Atlanta has the world’s worst fans. In an effort to save their hockey franchise, they held a rally for support. Only 200 people showed up. F*cking embarrassing. Any Thrashers fan in Atlanta should be ashamed of themselves.
- Nickelback is the world’s worst band. Not just because they are Canadian. Because they are f*cking terrible.
- Kirk Cameron is an asshole.
- I overheard someone on Sunday at a private Italian social club refer to basketball at “Tree Hockey”. I was mildly amused, yet it is still on my mind.
- Rumors are circulating people are going to sue that evangelist who predicted the rapture because they ran up a bunch of credit and now they have to pay it back. As funny as I do find it, there’s no lawsuit here. If you were that much of an opportunist scumbag to run up credit, actually believing the world was going to end, you’re a dumb bastard. Don’t run up debt and then blame Jesus.
There you have it. The Rapture has come and gone, and I’m still roaming Philly drinking and being a marginal f*ck up.
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