So on to Round 4. Let’s see what goes down here at the San Jose business annex, 4th floor conference room, left side divided by a partition.
ROUND 4
Marty McSorley (Assault with a deadly weapon) - The "chris" bracket is proud to be the owner of one Marty McSorley. This dude is the only guy on this list to be convicted of assault...while playing hockey. His crime is also the only one that happened during a game, and he comes with weapons. That hockey stick is a hardcore advantage against any of these guys.The “Jay” bracket is on the clock
Plaxico Burress (weapons possession) - In the fourth round I've got to go with Plaxico Burress. Although this douchebag was convicted of carrying a concealed weapon, the real crime here is wearing sweatpants in public (take that Canadian stick stickhander). I'm not the dapperest guy, but I personally won't leave my house in sweatpants, and rolling it up with your "bling" doesn't make it any classier. The fact this A*hole shot himself in the leg proves my theory about karma and has some legs in this tourney.
The “Ant” bracket in on the clock
Maurice Clarett (weapon’s possession) - Buck's 4th round pick has to be maurice clarett. When it comes to criminals one must remember their criminal potential as well. Upon his arrest, Clarett was found with an arsenal of weapons just shy of the American 1st battalion on D-day. The damage he caused was nothing compared to what could have been done. His revenge was cut short by a lucky pull over by the police. He was willing to pay the ultimate price. He's a hero to criminals everywhere. Furthermore, upon his release he's returned to Ohio State to get his life back together, get his degree and is playing 'professional football' again. Sounds like a real Hollywood ending, right? Wrong. This makes Clarett all the more dangerous in the earlier rounds. With early parole his criminal potential is endless.The “Deb” bracket is on the clock
Steve Howe (Drugs) - The "deb" bracket would like to get serious for a moment and say that drugs are a serious problem in this country. Especially for athletes. It's an epidemic. And I'm not talking about steroids and performance enhancement drugs. I am talking about those recreational drugs. Coke. Crack. Weed. The "fun" stuff. Luckily for you young athletes out there, there are no more drugs, because Steve Howe did them all in the 80's. Steve Howe has to be the Keith Richards of sports. This guy is like the Motley Crue of sports. AND HE WAS A MIDDLE RELIEVER! This guy wasn't a star. He wasn't even that good. So with that type of ability to make yourself a rock star, when you're actually just a roadie.....that's impressive. Go with Howe.So round 4 saw 3 different sports and an arsenal of weaponry. Not to mention an on-the-field assault, does this get any better? Let’s see.
The “Chris” bracket is on the clock.
ROUND 5
Dany Heatly (vehicular manslaughter) - Apparently, we here at the "Chris" bracket are obsessed with Hockey players being in trouble. I guess it's because it doesn't happen very often. But Dany Heatly, pulled a Vince Neil, when he drove recklessly and killed someone, a teammate, and never saw the inside of a jail. Alot like Jim Leyritz, I have no idea how he got away with this. All I can say is Dany, 10 and 2 man, and Hanoi Rocks. Just remember....Hanoi Rocks. (Look it up)The “Jay” bracket is on the clock
Yo Deb, I'll see your drug addict and raise you an attempted murder. With the 5th pick in the draft "Jay" bracket chooses the one man on this list you don't wanna cross.
Ugueth Urbina (attempted murder) - It all started when the former Phillies closer arrived at his Venezuelan ranch to find his farm hands swimming in his pool. Uggie didn't dig on this but keeping his cool, he gave them a stern warning and went to bed. The next day Uggie realized his gun was missing and believed it was one of his farmhands. This time a stern warning wasn't in order. Urbina grabbed a machete and chased down the 5 farm hands. F*cked up shit right? Uggie wasn't finished. A good hacking wasn't enough. Uggie wanted these sons of bitches to pay. Doing what any normal thinking man would do, he proceeded to soak them in gasoline and set them on fire! Aside from being the only one in the field who attempted to barbecue a man, the original "Machete" has the best name in the field of 64.
“Ant” bracket is on the clock
Ray Lewis (murder) - Ray Lewis. Took part in murder with notorious rap crew only to become face of the NFL that suspends everyone including mascots gone wild. Unlike other murders, lewis re-lives it each time some 170 lb receiver comes across the middle.
“Deb” is on the clock
Marv Albert (Assault) - WOW, it's getting heated in here. The "Deb" bracket would like to slow this down a little, and lighten the mood. I know this guy is not an athlete, but he is very big in sports. He's even a legend. And his crime is beyond funny. An off the board, bubble pick, Marv Albert. Marv, not only was rumored to be with a prostitute that resembled LT, and singing show tunes with said pro, but bit the back of a female hotel worker while she was trying to fix something in his hotel room. It really makes that 1994 highlight video of the NY Rangers Stanley Cup victory so much more interesting. And what was with the lady who entered the room in the first place. As Denis Leary said "if the door opens and you see Marv Albert, toupee askew in a garter belt, and LT singing show tunes....you walk away, and don;t ask questions." " If the toupee doesn't fit....you must acquit."Marv Albert!? To close out the 5th round? What wonders will cease in The Riot! criminal draft. Marv Albert? Is anyone else shocked. I think he can take the whole thing. You’ve got back biting, and a prostitute that looks like LT? That’s tough to beat. Although, Uggie “the machete” Urbina couldn’t mow down hitters, but gardeners are no problem.
“Chris” is on the clock
ROUND 6
 Tank Johnson (weapons possession)- In the 6th round, the "Chris" bracket has decided to bring out the big guns. And that means literally. You had dumbass Plax in his sweats shooting himself in the leg, but now you have a dude who is driving around with enough weapons to take down Al-Queda himself. And his name is Tank. Tank Johnson also did all of this while on probation.....for weapons possession. Nope, he's not a brain surgeon. That's why he's a Defensive Tackle, and they call him Tank. Sure, he's big...but there is something else happening there. Yikes. "Jay" you're up.  Mike Danton (conspiracy to commit murder) - The "Jay" bracket has to add some white folks to his bracket. Not all criminals are minorities (just most). So I'm going with former Devils and Blues forward, Mike Danton. Danton was found guilty of conspiracy to commit murder. Apparently planning to kill your agent via murder for hire is frowned upon. But this wasn't just trying to murder a bottom feeding agent. There were rumors that Danton was giving him a little more then 10%, and gave him the rest in his ass. While homosexuality isn't illegal, it's not the most macho move in the National Hockey League. "Ant” is on the clock  LT (statutory rape) - Going Lawrence Taylor in the 6th rounder. This guys got a rap sheet like the 86 Mets. Arrested most recently on bagging a minor, LT has a few brush-ups withsk the law. With speed around the edge, LT is a formidable pass rusher with Hall of Fame credentials and a series of crack addictions. Despite his Super Bowl prowess and unparalleled skills, LT went on to play huge roles in films like 'The Waterboy,' where his 'never smoke crack line' wasn't lost on anyone but himself. “Deb” is up next  Adam "Pacman" Jones (assault) - In the 6th round of this abortion, the "deb" bracket would like to take "pacman" Jones. Now I know "pacman" would like everyone to call him Adam from now on, but that's just not going to happen here. Listen to what this class A, A*Hole did. "Pacman" floats into a strip club with 80,000 pellets, and sits down at a table. A ghost, let's say Sue, comes over and "Pacman" showers her with the pellets. Sue goes to pick up the pellets for exposing under her sheet, and "Pacman" gets upset. He eats a power pellet and before you know it, Sue is just a set of eyes behind the stage. Who the hell brings 80,000 pellets to a strip club, only to get upset when an accommodating ghost chomps it up. On top of all of that, on the way out "Pacman" made some other ghosts into eyes also. One even ended up in a wheelchair. "Chris" is on the clock |
6 rounds in the books, and we have rapists, murders, and even kooky fetishists who now creep us out when we hear them speak. "YES.....Patrick Ewing!" <quiver> More to come in the later rounds, because if the first 6 rounds are any indication, we are just hitting the topsoil when it comes to the depths of depravity we may see here at The Riot!'s Criminal Bracket Draft.
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