It’s tourney time folks, and your all- knowing omniscient sports prognosticator is here for another round of “Pick like me, and you are sure to be broke by the weekend.”
In the past during March Madness, I used to seriously strategize ways to win these brackets. Every year I would be what you would call a first round world beater. On average, I would win 30 out of 32 first round games. I would be in 1st place, riding high, and ready to roll to a championship win. Then the 2nd round would hit, and I would start the steady decline to near the bottom. Gwen in accounting, who can’t even tell you where Gonzaga is, winds up ahead of me by a large margin. I asked her one day how she comes to her picks. She gave me some bullshit about which school or region had the hottest guys. I wasn’t buying it. She was an insider. No doubt. But I took this new approach into my next tourney and sure enough, random things work. I went for the hottest guy angle. 3rd place, best finish ever. It was a Laettner year. Ever since, I’ve always chosen something to base my picks on that wasn’t sports based at all. From jerseys to cities, to hair styles and best diners. This year, I’m going with an obvious one, but I never really tried it. I don’t know why. Maybe it was too obvious. Well, here we go; I will win this tourney based on mascots. Which team’s mythical creature can kick everyone else’s ass? So without further ado, it’s bracket time.
2011 NCAA Tournament East Region
1 Ohio State Buckeyes
16 Texas SA Roadrunners
*Now this should be a slam-dunk right? A 1 seed vs. a 16 seed. The 16 seed has never, EVER won. Well, it’s not happening here either. Roadrunners are fast, but stupid little birds. So they may be able to run, but when up against a Buckeye, it doesn’t stand a chance. You see, there are many definitions for what a “Buckeye” is. In this case, I think the “Buckeye” in Ohio State stands for an Ohioan. A guy from Ohio. Not a tree or a type of bird, but a greezy, fat, 12 sandwich eating, Midwestern Ohio man. Big thick beard, flannel shirt, and work boots. You know, the kind of guy who wears his Carhart coat in June. Ohio, you know. Anyway, you dip a roadrunner in gravy, and that fucker is gone. Take the Buckeyes.
8 George Mason Patriots
9 Villanova Wildcats
*As a typical 8-9 matchup would be, this is a tough call. A wildcat is self-explanatory to a degree. It’s a cat that’s wild. But how big is it? Is it a tiger or a lion? Those are big. Or is it an Ocelot, or just your run of the mill alley cat? Those would be considerably smaller. More difficult to gauge would be the word “Patriot.” Being a “Patriot” is a state of mind. And does that make you tough. A child could be patriotic. So when you take these 2 things at their lowest form, an alley cat vs. a 7 year old patriot, I think the 7 year old patriot comes out the winner. He may be all scratched up, and whining, but instinct will kick in, and the cat will go down. Take George Mason.
5 West Virginia Volunteers
12 Clemson Tigers
*Finally a slam dunks. In the great tradition of 12 seeds knocking off 5 seeds, take the Tigers over the Volunteers. Because even though volunteering is an honorable thing, a hungry tiger doesn’t give a shit about you honor. Honor tastes awesome, so West VA is going down. Take Clemson in the upset.
4 Kentucky Wildcats
13 Princeton Tigers
*Well, here’s where my method hits a snag. A tiger is a wildcat. So should I pick Princeton for being more specific? What kind of cat is Kentucky’s wildcat. When I was dealing with Villanova, I broke it down to its lowest form. So should I look at it as a wild alley cat vs. a baby tiger cub? First off, that’s just adorable, isn’t it? Second, it will always comes up tiger in this case. I have to go with Princeton in this one.
2 North Carolina Tar Heels
15 LIU Pioneers
*OK, it’s getting very interesting here in the East Region. We have the people of North Carolina, Tar Heels, vs. Pioneers. Now throughout history Pioneers have always been considered tough and smart, and the first ones to do a lot of things. The People of North Carolina? Ehhh, not really sure about that. I guess the early settlers of NC were Pioneers. So maybe I will judge this one by numbers. There have been way more North Carolinians than Pioneers. So I think the Tar Heels may just overwhelm our best, and our brightest Pioneers. Go with NC.
7 Washington Huskies
10 Georgia Bulldogs
*Ahh, a battle Michael Vick can really sink his teeth into. Just remember Mike, you can’t be within 1,000ft of a dog fight, even if it’s Mascots. It’s the law. Now to the matchup, this one is actually pretty easy. Bulldogs are pretty tough, but they are small and dumpy. Whereas Huskies are just that, HUSKY. Washington is the pick.
3 Syracuse Orange
14 Indiana State Sycamore
*This might be the most ridiculous match-up yet. You have a color vs. a tree. WTF? First off, why did Syracuse change from the Orangemen to just Orange. It’s like being the Montana Air. How do you get behind a color? IDK, in this mythical battle of dumbness, I guess you can’t defeat a color. Especially if you are a tree. Go ‘cuse.
6 Xavier Musketeers
11 Marquette Golden Eagles
*Now we’re talking. Golden Eagles are badass. Have you ever seen one in person? Being in California for the past 3 years, I have seen some bird’s man. And the Golden Eagle is a huge, majestic, beautiful, vicious bird. This thing could rip an adults head off without question. Unfortunately, they can’t defeat a gun. Even a Musket. A musket is like an old school, revolutionary war type gun. Even so, I believe a gun takes out a bird, but it may take a few shots. Xavier wins this one.
2011 NCAA Tournament West Region
1 Duke Blue Devils
16 Hampton Pirates
*Ok, so here’s my issue with this one. Devils, or the idea of devils are scary and evil. Pirates these days have become fun and evil. I would take scary and evil to defeat fun and evil any day. Although Pirates know how to party. Go on the “Pirates of the Caribbean” ride at Disney, it’s a wholesome good time. Duke.
8 Michigan Wolverines
9 Tennessee Volunteers
*I hate to keep picking on the volunteers because we need good people to willing help out with stuff for no pay. However, a volunteer vs. a wolverine in a closed room, it’s ugly. That dude is volunteering to be lunch for the day. Michigan wins.
5 Arizona Wildcats
12 Memphis Tigers
*First off, the 3rd wildcat and the 2nd tiger in this tourney; let’s get some new names can we? I mean, there are Pumas, Ocelots, Cougars, Lions, Cheetahs, Lynx, Leopards, Jaguars, and bobcats….oh my. Stop with the Wildcats and Tigers. Anyway same principal applies here, Tigers kick generic wildcats ass any day. Memphis is my pick.
4 Texas Longhorns
13 Oakland Golden Grizzlies
*A longhorn, otherwise known as a Bull, may actually be able to take on a grizzly. Originally I thought, very few animals can take on a Grizzly bear, but a Bull…..maybe. Think about it, speed, strength, and it would only take one kill shot with a horn to impale a grizzly bear. I feel like the bull wins this one more often than not. Texas.
2 SDSU Aztecs
15 No Colorado Bears
*The Aztecs were a crafty bunch back in the day. As one of the earth’s first societies, the Aztecs were among the first to build things and create a society structure that endures today. Bears are just Bears. And I’m willing to bet, that the Aztecs hunted bears because my God, one Bear will feed a ton of people. SDSU wins this one.
7 Temple Owls
10 Penn State Nittany Lions
*Owls are smart and wise and awesome looking, but they are less then awesome when it comes to fighting a Lion. Penn State is the obvious pick here.
3 UCONN Huskies
14 Bucknell Bison
*Although a Bison is huge, and not very fast, I would imagine that a huskie may have a difficult time bringing one down alone. So let’s make a more specific prediction, the Huskies win a tight one. UCONN.
6 Cincinnati Bearcat
11 Missouri Tigers
*Boy tigers are hard to beat. Especially for generic wildcats and little tree hugging Bearcats. Sorry to say it, but another Bengal is moving on. MIZZOU.
2011 NCAA Tournament Southwest Region
1 Kansas Jayhawks
16 Boston Terriers
*A Jayhawk isn’t real. It’s a symbol of the struggles Kansas settlers endured in the early years of the state. A terrier is a really, little, fruity dog. There is no winner here. It’s a huge plight vs. a fruity dog. Go with Kansas and win one.
8 UNLV Runnin' Rebels
9 Illinois Illini
*Indians vs. Rebels. A classic tale. American to its core. Who won the battle historically? Well, how many American Indians do you see kicking around the states these days? ‘nuff said. UNLV.
5 Vanderbilt Commodores
12 Richmond Spiders
*Well, this one is interesting. I can’t help but think of Lionel Ritchie and the song “Brickhouse” when I hear the word “Commodores.” And even though the commodores were a group of tall, platform shoe wearing black guys. I think spiders are scarier in this instance. You take black widows and tarantulas, and then some of those just flat out creepy fuckers you find in your house. Richmond wins.
4 Louisville Cardinals
13 Moorehead State Eagles
*2 birds, going at it in a dog fight. Birds in a dog fight? Whatever. Not really a dog fight, more like a bloodbath. Eagles destroy Cardinals. Moorehead State.
2 Notre Dame Fighting Irish
15 Akron Zips
*Irish win…period. What in thee hell is a Zip? You lose just for having a stupid ass name. The zips? At least there not the Wildcats.
7 Texas A&M Aggies
10 Florida State Seminoles
*The title of Aggie refers to someone attending an agricultural school. I’m sorry, but this makes you queer. A Seminole is a badass Indian with a spear and shit. What do you have, a hoe and a rake? Florida State wins.
3 Purdue Boilermakers
14 Saint Peter’s Peacocks
*This is easy. Peacocks are beautiful, majestic birds who strut their stuff when they are wooing the opposite sex. A lot like “The Situation” lifting his shirt to show his abs. What a dick. Just a side note, what do you call a female peacock, a peac**t? Fill in the blanks and figure it out. Anyway, unfortunately, a peacock is just as effective in a fight as “The Situation,” not very. Not to mention, a boilermaker is like a steel welder. Those guys are sick. Purdue wins.
6 Georgetown Hoyas
11 VCU Rams
*Oh boy. Unfortunately, the Hoyas have come up against an actual thing. You see, Hoyas is from a term. It was something Georgetown fans used to chant back in the day when the Hoyas were called “The Stonewalls.” Many students took Greek and Latin and started yelling “Hoya Saxa,” which apparently means something. So this name stuck, and now I’ve wasted yours and my own time on this explanation. Rams win, because they are a real thing. VCU
2011 NCAA Tournament Southeast Region
1 Pittsburgh Panthers
16 UNC ASH Bulldogs
*Finally, a different cat, and I like this cat. A panther shreds a bulldog. PITT.
8 Butler Bulldogs
9 Old Dominion Big Blue
*Another bulldog? Do I need to start listing dogs now? These teams, starting next year, need to be more original. Anyway, how do you defeat a color? I had the orange earlier and now not just the blue, the BIG BLUE. Go ODU.
5 Kansas State Wildcats
12 Utah State Aggies
*Well, it’s another Wildcat. But this time they will win, because as I said before. Aggies=queer. ‘nuff said. KSTATE.
4 Wisconsin Badgers
13 Belmont Bruins
*A bruin is a bear. Unfortunately for the 4th seeded Badgers, they are just a snack for a bear. BELMONT
2 Florida Gators
15 UCSB Gauchos
*A gaucho is a person from South America essentially. And even though people are generally smarter than Gators, put them both in a small room and who do you think wins. I bet on the Gator every time.
7 UCLA Bruins
10 Michigan State Spartans
*Even though I think bears are badass, Spartans are more badass. Did you see 300? Rent it, and then talk to me. Michigan State wins.
3 BYU Cougars
14 Wofford terriers
*Well, we went through this before, Terriers are fruity little dogs. A cougar is either a 40 year old tramp, or a big fucking cat. In this case, it’s a big fucking cat. And big fucking cats eat little fruity dogs. BYU.
6 St. John’s Red Storm
11 Gonzaga Bulldogs
*Yet another bulldog, which is frustrating. When thinking about this, I began to think about what a Red Storm might look like. Shit, that would be scary. St John’s.
Well, that’s it. Good luck on your brackets.
No comments:
Post a Comment