Quick Takes from the hard side…..”HARDSIDE!”

Good afternoon folks, and welcome to a special edition of Quick Takes.  You see, I’m not a writer by trade, I’m a talker.  I would usually be doing this on the radio, or in an audio blog format, but week 10 of the “my voice has disappeared and I don’t know why but I’m shitting my pants over it” saga has forced me to write this very bit.  Some of these columns have been very long “quick” takes, and some have been a regular amount.  I think today, we will keep this short and sweet, because its’ springtime, and I have some burgers to grill.

Canseco Wins Again

Just when you think Jose is going to do something fairly, he goes and pulls the wool over our eyes again.   The world’s most intriguing snitch since Henry Hill played what he called “The Parent Trap” in a boxing ring in Miami last weekend, when Jose, who was scheduled to fight Billy Padden, a British fighter with a career record of 1-5-2, sent his twin brother Ozzie to fight for him.  Ozzie, costumed in sunglasses and a t-shirt, was reportedly escorted from the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Miami by police.  The plan would have worked if he could’ve boxed in his shirt.  You see, Jose’s arms are adorned with tats, while Ozzie has not yet taken that plunge. Hey, Jose, the twin thing no longer works when your bro doesn’t have the same tattoos as you, dummy.  You know, this is really no surprise when you take into account that it was only a few months ago that this juiced freak of nature, and mental giant, told all of his 350,000 twitter followers that he was being evicted from his house.  Well, anyone who’s ever read “Juiced” knows Jose is not about pride or integrity, so these tweets are no surprise.

Do you live in a “Wife” or a “Girlfriend” City?

So the Barry Bonds trial began in San Fran last week, and it’s really beginning to heat up.  Yuck, is anyone else bored with this steroid crap.  We know Barry did them, and we know he lied about it.  The fact that in Pittsburgh he looked like a normal human being and then in San Fran a year later he looked like a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day float is irrelevant, the mountain of evidence against him is overwhelming.  But here’s the real story, Bonds’ ex-skank, Kimberly Bell, testified last week.  Oh, not about steroids, or needles, or clear and cream…but girlfriend cities. The most interesting story to come out of all this steroid drek is this little testimony about “wife” cities and “girlfriend” cities. So here’s the deal, apparently ballplayers have deemed certain cities good for their wives or steady girlfriends, and other cities for their side tail. WOW, how did Jose leave this tidbit out? Maybe he’s still doing it?  Ok, so Kim Bell referred to Miami as a girlfriend city, and we all stopped listening, and began to focus on that statement.  What makes a city a girlfriend city, or a wife city? Hmm, anybody? Is it the nightlife? Is it the proximity to the beach?  Is it the easy access to young whores?  WHAT IS IT BARRY? WHAT IS IT!? This is the only interesting question or topic coming out of the Barry Bonds trial, so ESPN…stop it with the updates, nobody cares.  However, we do want to know where to bring our wives and girlfriends.  So here’s the list I’ve compiled as girlfriend cities.

Girlfriend

*Miami - Hot ladies, spring break destination, which means lots of drinking, and it’s almost always hot a sticky.  What a great place to meet a skank. (Sorry Miami)

*LA – Fake breasts, celebs, perfect weather, plus some of the best beaches anywhere.  But beware; this could be a family destination with Disneyland being here as well. (San Diego also applies here)

*NYC –This one is weird.  NYC is so big; you may be able to juggle a doubleheader here.  And what’s better than a doubleheader, right?  It’s the city that never sleeps, so it can’t be topped for nightlife.

So those are the top 3 as I see it, so call your travel agents and get to it gentlemen.

VCU’s Run was unreal, wasn’t it?

Nothing makes me happier than when a selection committee such as the NCAA basketball tournament selection committee was lambasted for its’ selections this year.  Jay Bilas, Dick Vitale and the boys over at ESPN really let them have this year. VCU and UAB, over Virginia Tech and Colorado? VCU and UAB are one and done?  Whoops! As a side note, let me say this, nothing makes me happier than when ESPN analysts, who just spew “fact” all day long get what’s coming to them. When a team like VCU gives a big fat shit sandwich to the experts to swallow, I couldn’t be happier.  Even if it destroyed everyone’s Final Four picks, all the better for me. But here’s the most interesting part of this story, The Riot! has obtained an ultra-exclusive transcript from the selection committee’s final meeting.  Apparently someone was doodling on a pad, and words appeared, and these are those words.

Eugene Smith (Chairman) – So that’s all the bubble teams, I guess we can go home now; I could use a bear claw.  Anyone else up for some Krispy Kreme?

Lynn Hickey (Southland Conference Rep) – Eugene wait?

E.S. – (under his breath) f%^king b@#...., Now what Lynn, we already covered the mid-major thing, ok, ok…more teams next year…..

Lynn – NO! You forgot the last team.

E.S. – Did I?  Damn, I guess I just want me some Krispy Kreme!  Who do we have?

Dan Beebe (Big 12 rep) – Well, we have Colorado.

E.S. – And?

D.B. – Oh no, that’s it!

Ron Wellman (ACC rep) – Hey wait, what about Va Tech.  We had a great year and the Vicks are no longer PR poison.  That’s got to be worth something.

D.B. – yeah, maybe some kibble, that’s about it. Let’s take a look at Colorado.  A great season, plus we have John Elway and we even stole from the SEC, the great Tim Tebow.

R.W. – Great? We’ll see about that.

D.B. – Well, he’s better than the Vicks.

R.W. – yea, what place did the Broncos finish this year again?

D.B. – WE’RE REBUILDING! AT LEAST OUR DOGS AND DAUGHTERS ARE SAFE!

R.W. – HEY THE VICKS ARE ALL WE HAVE, TAKE IT BACK!

D.B. – (mockingly) bow wow, bow wow…..

R.W. – I WILL SHOW YOU BOW WO……

E.S. – ALRIGHT ENOUGH!  Children.  We need to settle this now because I have Bear claws on the brain, and I can’t think about this shit any more.  Any school have a bear claw as there mascot?

Secretary – No Sir, sorry.

 

E.S. – God, that would have been a slam dunk huh? Anyway, who’s left?

Lynn – Colorado, VA Tech, VCU and UAB.

E.S. – Ugh, these teams all suck.  Umm, let’s go with the ones with the longest names.

Lynn – Well, that would be VCU and UAB.

R.W. – That’s only 3 letters each…….(mockingly) southland conference?  Where is that... (sarcastic southern accent) in the south?

Lynn – umm VCU?  Virginia Commonwealth University?  UAB? University of Alabama Birmingham? Really, the Vicks?

R.W. – (growling)

E.S. – Stand down Wellman. It looks like we have our final 2.  VCU and UAB it is.  Now go tell Shaka and the boys the good news.

D.B. – Man, I know you’re black and all, but isn’t that a little racist?

E.S. – That’s his name, Shaka Smart?

R.W. – it sounds like a caveman sentence.

(Silence, and then a doodle that simply says “eat it ESPN”)

Cricket, WTF?

So I was just cruising the internet yesterday, and I came across this staggering statistic.  Do you know that over a BILLION people watched the World Cup Semi Final Cricket match between India and Pakistan the other day?  That is A B-B-B-BILLION! To put that into perspective, 111 million people watched this years’ Super Bowl, and that was a record.  Over a BILLION watched this particular cricket match. So I decided to look into this insect of a sport to see what all the fuss was about.  I have to say that it looks pretty interesting on the surface.  There is pitching and a paddle type bat that you have to use to hit the ball that’s pitched in, but then after that it gets confusing.  There’s all kind of running, and all kinds of ways to score.  So instead of hurting my head trying to figure it out by just simply watching, I turn to the internet to look up some rules.  The internet would have that info right? WRONG!  This was the best I could do.  From Wikipedia:

“The key action takes place in a specially prepared area of the field (generally in the centre) that is called the pitch. A run is scored when the batsman has run the length of the pitch after hitting the ball with his bat, although as explained below there are many ways of scoring runs.  If the batsmen are not attempting to score any more runs, the ball is dead and is returned to the bowler to be bowled again

WTF?  There’s quite a bit more, but that’s as clear as it gets.  It looks cool, but they need FOX to get a hold of this and dumb it down like it does everything else so I can understand it. BTW, India defeated Pakistan 260-231.  I don’t know what it means, but its’ 491 runs.  That’s about what the Yankees will score…..this season.

MLB Fan Cave

In New York City, Major League Baseball has opened something it’s calling a “first of its’ kind, immersive fan experience” that’s called the “Fan Cave.” Mike O’Hara, one of 10,000 applicants, will step into the “Fan Cave” on opening day and not leave until the final out is recorded in the World Series.  Sounds like everyman’s dream right?  Some of it does, but I don’t know if I can watch all that baseball. I’m as big a fan as there is, but outside of 9 innings per day may be a bit much for me.  I mean, unless I’m at the ballpark, or there is a division title on the line, I’m parachuting in on one game of a doubleheader, and staying for the other, you know what I mean? So watching every game, and having it be my job…I’m not sure about that.  Now from what I understand, this place will kind of be a media hub of sorts for MLB.  There will be players in and out of there, fans can visit, and Mike will be conducting interviews and broadcasting from the “Fan Cave” as part of this “job.” So that sounds like it could be cool, but I still can’t get over the amount of ball he needs to watch.  2,430 regular season games? That’s a lot. Especially when you consider that The Royals, Mets, Pirates, Indians and the Astros, just to name a few, account for 162 games each.  That’s a lot of crappy baseball to sit through.  Some of the perks are 15 Sony Bravia TVs at your disposal (3 60” and 12 32” screens), a fully loaded PS3 with the newest MLB “The Show” on it, and I would imagine the food will be awesome.  But with 32 gigantic windows looking in on your life, it could make working out, getting dressed, or getting a release a problem, if you know what I mean. It would be hilarious if fans come around during the dog days, and you just see him swinging from the rafters.  You know, after one too many Royals games. Yikes.

And finally……

I was doing my normal Sunday morning sit in front of my TV and pray that something cool appears before me on my electronic crystal ball routine, and I landed on the NHL game of the week.  It was the Rangers at the Flyers. Now, as I’ve said in the past, hockey used to be my favorite sports to watch and play.  But since my playing days a quite a ways behind me, and my Rangers have been after thoughts for the better part of 10 years, I’ve lost some interest.  My level of attention to the NHL is basically reserved to “well there’s nothing else on, I guess I’ll watch the Sharks and The Stars on a Wednesday night.” A side note, I live in San Jose, and it just always seems that whenever that scenario plays out, and I watch a random Sharks game, it’s either the Stars or the Red Wings they play.  Maybe I’m living some sort of Bill Murray “Groundhog Day” situation?  Who knows? Anyway, I put this game on and the tensions are running high, there was a brawl 70 seconds in and you know how I feel about fighting, playoff positioning in the Flyers case, and playoff lives in the Rangers case, were on the line, and it showed from the opening face-off.  This was the perfect game on a Sunday morning to get me interested in NHL again right?  The fact that the Rangers won in a shootout didn’t hurt my interest level either.  But then, as all things do in my fandom, the inevitable curse takes hold.  The next game, as I’m rooting for my Rangers for the 2^nd time in 10 years, one of their best players, Ryan Callahan, snaps his ankle and will most likely be out for any potential playoff run the Rangers might make. The curse strikes again. You know, I used to think that the teams were cursed.  The Jets, The Mets, and the Rangers have all had their hard times during my lifetime. Very hard times in fact.  The Jets have never won. The Mets won when I was 10, have only been to one World Series since and have had many an excruciating loss since. The Rangers have won once in my life, and haven’t sniffed a cup final since.  So hard times, I’ve seen them. But the more I go through this fandom of mine, I’m beginning to see that it’s me that’s cursed. You know how I know this?  Let’s analyze my fandom shall we.  BTW, a fandom is defined by what teams you live and die for, and those you love to hate.  Almost like a kingdom. So my list goes like this.  The teams I live and die for are the Jets, the Mets, and the Rangers. The teams I love to hate are the Yankees, the Braves, the Phillies, the Patriots, the Dolphins, the Islanders, and the Devils. So let’s really take a look at what my win-loss record is. SCOREBOARD PLEASE : 

Teams I live and die for – 2 championships in my lifetime

   Teams I Love to Hate  - 22 Championships in my lifetime

Now I’m aware that I hate 7 teams, and love only 3, so let’s narrow the field a little. So I’ll pick the teams per sport that I hate the most over the rest. That would be the Yankees, the Patriots and the Devils. That makes the score 13-2, still a mercy rule victory for the hated. It’s hard to be optimistic when the odds are so against you, and the deficit is so large. Unless the Mets, the Jets, or the Rangers go on some Yankee-like run, it’s going to be a very long time before I’m even competitive, let alone threatening a comeback. My best shot at A championship is the Jets. How many times in your life do you think you’ll hear that sentence?

Jay's 2011 Baseball Predictions

Okay, I know this should have been written prior to Opening Day, but I’m easily distracted by the sins of man (it’s a miracle I got my keeper league off the ground in time for last Tuesday’s draft).  Regardless, even though Opening Day(s) have passed it hasn’t influenced any predictions, so deal with it.  After thinking long and hard after too many libations, here’s my take:

AL East:  Red Sox, Yankees, Orioles, Rays, Blue Jays

AL Central:  White Sox, Tigers, Twins, Royals, Indian

AL West:  Athletics, Rangers, Angels, Mariners

NL East:  Phillies, Braves, Marlins, Nationals, Mets

NL Central:  Brewers, Reds, Cardinals, Pirates, Cubs, Astros

NL West:  Rockies, Giants, Padres, Dodgers, Diamondbacks

AL Wildcard: Yankees

NL Wildcard:  Braves

NL Pennant:  Phillies

AL Pennant:  Red Sox

World Series Champion:  Philadelphia Phillies

AL MVP:  Robinson Cano, Yankees

NL MVP:  Carlos Gonzalez, Rockies

AL Cy Young:  Jon Lester, Red Sox

NL Cy Young:  Cliff Lee, Phillies

I know I’ll get called a homer for picking the Phillies, but pitching wins championships, and the Phillies have pitching.  Every night a Phillies fan goes to Citizens Bank Park, they are guaranteed to see an ace on the hill.  The player on this rotation to watch is Cole Hamels.  Now a number four starter, Cole will be seeing very favorable pitching match ups, which will only boost his confidence and let him finally come into his own.

In saying this, the Red Sox are far and beyond the best team in the American League.  The Yankees age and rotation scares me, and the White Sox don’t have to lineup or pitching staff to keep up with the Sox from Boston.  If there’s a dark horse here, it’s the Athletics.  Billy Beane has again built a team with a young solid rotation and an oft-overlooked lineup.

Some other takes:

-           Andy Pettite will make a return mid-season and rejoin the Yankees, prompting Suzyn Waldman to have a second overjoyed meltdown on WCBS-AM.  Shortly after this meltdown, John Sterling chokes her to death.

-          The team that will be the biggest surprise in the league is the Baltimore Orioles.  A team with 13 consecutive losing seasons will win 85 games and finish in third place.  Owner Peter Angelos, seeing improvements in his franchise, fires Buck Showalter and offers six-year contracts to former fan favorites Albert “Don’t Call Me Joey” Belle, Brady Anderson, and Rafael Palmiero.

-          I will drink more beers by April 15^th than the Mets will have wins this season.  The Mess will lose over 100 games.  GM Sandy Alderson will blame this not on bad contracts and lack of talent, but Bernie Madoff.

-          Chase Utley will play less than 25 games this season.  The fans are okay because Wilson Valdez is batting above the Mendoza Line and female fans think he’s cute.

-          Tony LaRussa will not cut his mullet and continue to piss me off by batting the pitcher in the eighth spot.

-          Back to the Mets...  Due to injuries and underachievement in the starting rotation, the Mets will sign Mr. Met to a contract.  He will be the team’s lone All-Star representative and lead the team in wins with 10.

-          Not to be outdone, the Phillies, knowing Chase Utley will be out most of the season, sign the Phillie Phanatic to a contract.  After two games the Phanatic pulls a hammy and Wilson Valdez returns as starter.  An overjoyed Mr. Met gives the Phanatic the finger.

-          The Yankees will trade a refurbished Mark Prior to the Reds for Jonny Gomes.  Upon being reunited with Dusty Baker, Prior’s arm pulls a Dave Dravecky in his first start, forcing a long overdue retirement.

-          Brett Myers will still be an asshole.

-           The Royals will have the first annual Bo Jackson Night.  If you have an artificial hip, admission in free.  Men in convalescent homes and Eddie Van Halen are overjoyed.

-          The Mets, out of desperation for offense, convince Mo Vaughn to Come out of retirement.  Although he agrees, he never takes the field.  Not because of injury or a failed physical, but they couldn’t find a big enough uniform for him.

-          The Indians, who are in the basement of the AL Central, offer contracts to Charlie Sheen, Tom Berenger, Wesley Snipes, and Corbin Bernsen.  Apparently ownership believes movies are reality.

-          Joe Morgan will choke on a hot dog.

-          The Mariners announce the dismissal of mascot Mariner Moose.  No one cares.

-          Charlie Sheen signs with the Indians.

-          Upon hearing the lack of respect for Mariner Moose, the Milwaukee Sausages and Washington Presidents go on strike.  Still, no one cares.

-          Royals and Pirates fans finally have something to smile about.  They’re not Mets fans.

Philadelphia – World’s Greatest Fans

Originally I planned on writing a little feel good story about Opening Day, heading around the league, with a nice little “rah! rah!” feel.  That was until I woke up, poured a cup of coffee and opened the Philadelphia Daily News.

Upon flipping through the sports section, I came along an article about a Giants fan that was beaten into critical condition after leaving Thursday night’s Dodgers/Giants game. 

Three Giants fans were leaving Dodger Stadium Thursday, when they were followed by two Dodgers fans who started taunting them and yelling “Giants slurs” (whatever the hell those are supposed to be).  I guess the “slurs” didn’t get the point across, because they decided to beat the shit out of one of the Giants fans, to the point where he was hospitalized in critical condition.  As of today, Bryan Stow, 41, of Santa Cruz, lies in a hospital in a medical induced coma due to swelling on his brain.   Stay classy Los Angeles…

I’ll get back to these complete pieces of shit as I digress, but I want to address something first. 

I did a little digging about this incident, on sports websites and national news publications, and outside of the LA Times and San Francisco Chronicle, it wasn’t even considered newsworthy enough or it was buried pages back in a sports column.  This got me thinking.  If this happened in Philadelphia, it would make national headlines.  No you say?  It was but less than a year ago when a drunk Phillies fan (who incidentally was from New Jersey, not Philadelphia), vomited on a little girl while at a Phillies game.  This story made national news and was a featured story on CNN.

Although I’m a native New Yorker, I consider myself a Philadelphian.  Aside from the Knicks (who somehow let the Sixers pass them in the standings), my allegiance lies with the Phillies, Flyers, Eagles, Oilers, and Orioles.  Philadelphia is my home and is I don’t ever plan on leaving.  It’s a city full of history, culture, and great people.  Although everything I’ve stated is true, Philadelphia has long gotten a bad rap for being terrible sports fans.

Ever since Eagles fans booed and pelted Santa Claus with snow balls, all Philly sports fans are labeled assholes.  This stereotype, which is blatantly ignorant (especially since the Santa incident is a bit dated considering it happened in 1968), because Philadelphia has some of the most passionate knowledgeable fans in the world.  Are some Philly fans assholes?  Sure they are but my stance is they are assholes in every city (ask Bryan Stow should he come out of his coma). 

On the subject of assholes, let’s go back to these shitbags from Thursday night.  They are only but a piece of one of the worst fan bases in the country; Los Angeles.

Los Angeles is an absolute joke as a sports city.  You would think the second largest city in the country could hold a football team.  Nope.  They lost the Rams to St. Louis and the Raiders back to Oakland (that’s right, LA fans suck so much, Al Davis moved his Raiders BACK to Oakland).  This happened in the same year!  The biggest money making sport in the country couldn’t even hold down a football team.  As for the Dodgers, while they do have good attendance annually, no one arrives until the 3^rd inning.  Anytime I watch at Dodgers game on TV, I’m amazed at the empty seats when the game starts.  I suppose it’s cool to be fashionably late to a baseball game in LaLa Land.  Honestly the only team anyone gives a shit about is the Lakers (and surprisingly the Kings almost average a shutout per game), and that’s more about a fashion show then actual basketball (this is why I respect that Bill Simmons is a Clippers season ticket holder).

Let’s not forget about the violence.  When you have to worry about supporting an opposing team because you might get jumped, there’s a serious f*cking problem.  Oh, this isn’t the first time a stunt like this has happened.  After Opening Day 2009, Arthur Alvarez was arrested with assault with a deadly weapon, after he stabbed a Giants fan in the parking lot after the Dodgers beat the Giants 11-1.  Is it Dodger tradition to try and kill an opposing fan after an Opening Day victory?

It doesn’t end with Los Angeles.  What about Washington DC?  As much as I hate the Redskins, I really have pity for them.  Dan Snyder shouldn’t be allowed to own a dog, no less a sports franchise, so I’ll leave the ‘Skins and their sad sack fans alone (Do you guys still think McNabb is the QB to take you to the playoffs?).  Our nation’s capital has lost not one, but two baseball franchises in it's history, and after given a third still cannot sell out an Opening Day.

After opening Thursday afternoon against the Braves, the Nationals drew a pathetic 39,055 fans (this was the announced attendance).  This was the smallest Opening Day crowd since the Expos left Montreal.  There was over 2,000 empty seats (which did appear to be more in highlights).  I guess the addition of Jayson Werth didn’t really get the fan base excited. 

How about New York?  That’s right, you sons of bitches aren’t getting off that easy.  Being a native, I’ve seen this first hand.  I remember growing up and all you saw was Mets gear.  Could it be possible that the Mets were at the top of the league, while the Yankees were floundering?  I’m not saying they're fair-weather fans, but it’s amazing how in the late 90’s everyone became a Yankees fan.  Funny how that works.

I’ve had my own personal experiences being a fan of a different team at New York sporting events.  I’ve had beer hurled at me at a Yankees/Orioles game, and pelted with peanuts at a Phillies/Mets game.  While I’m smart enough to ignore assholes stupidity, not everyone is, so fights do occur, which is what the antagonizing asshole wants.

Let’s not forget about the John Rocker incident.  In case you forgot (New Yorker’s still haven’t), the former Braves closer gave an interview to Sports Illustrated in December 1999, ripping apart the Mets and the City of New York.  Granted a lot of the things he said were ignorant (but pretty damn funny), and made Rocker look like the hillbilly racist redneck he is, Mets fans were completely outraged.  Calls poured into WFAN with threats of pelting him with D batteries, quarters, and even possible death.  Not saying what Rocker did was right, but he made these moronic statements after being continuously hassled while warming up in the bullpen during the playoffs, and taking the mound to the chant of “Ass-Hole”.

This isn’t the first time New Yorkers have threatened violence on an athlete.  In 1985 the Yankees signed pitcher Ed Whitson.  After a rough start to his Yankee career, Whitson constantly received hate mail from fans and verbal abuse that was so vile; he wouldn’t let his wife attend home games.  Shortly after the numerous threats (and a bar fight with then manager Billy Martin), the Yankees dealt him back to the San Diego Padres.  Whitson’s next trip to New York for a series with the Mets he received a death threat to his hotel room and had to be escorted to the stadium with the commissioner’s security team.  New York doesn’t fight opposing fans; they’d rather go right after their own players.  Way to make the city proud New York.

I lived in Atlanta for a few years in the late 90’s, and it was the most bizarre sports city I’ve ever lived in.  Fair-weather isn’t a word in Atlanta; it’s a way of life.  I recall buying Braves playoff tickets at the window on game day, and sitting within 20 rows from the field. 

I remember Week 1 of the 1999 NFL season.  The Falcons had just come off a Superbowl loss to the Denver Broncos.  I was lucky enough to score sold-out tickets to Week 1 against the Minnesota Vikings.  Running back Jamal Anderson hurt his knee early in the game and the Falcons lost the game 13-10.  After the game it was found out Anderson was out for the season.  The Falcons didn’t have another sellout the rest of the season, and fans couldn’t watch home games on TV due to it not being a sellout.

Don’t even get me started on the Hawks and Thrashers.  The Hawks attendance was so bad my buddy Melvin and I would buy $10 rafter tickets and move almost court side on a regular basis.  I also attended the inaugural game for the Thrashers.  While it was sold out, it was obvious residents of “The Little Apple” (that’s what I was told they call it when I first got to town), had no idea what hockey actually was.  No wonder they lost the Flames in 1980.

I’m sure I can make points about every city that has a sports team, but what is the point.  The only real city that gets the wrap is Philadelphia.  While some fans do embrace it and jump on the stereotype (remember, assholes in every city), most intelligent fans will laugh it off because we know (I spoke to a few friends today about the incident in LA and the first thing they all said was “you know if it happened in Philadelphia it would be national news”).  If you live or have lived in Philadelphia, you know it’s true.

Here are a few little tidbits about what shitty fans we are here in Philadelphia. 

-           As Cliff Lee prepares to take the mound against the Astros tonight, it’s the 130^th consecutive sellout.  This is the second longest active streak in baseball.  Only the Red Sox have a higher sellout streak (which is somewhere in the mid-600’s).  Before opening day already over 3 million tickets have been sold.   It’s also nearly impossible to find a Flyers or Eagles ticket in the city, that doesn’t come from a scalper of Stubhub.

-          Speaking of Lee, he turned down the Yankees lucrative contract offer NOT because of the New York media or the rumor that a Yankee fan poured a beer on his wife during the World Series (another class move), but because he wanted to play in Philadelphia.  He made it clear he never wanted to leave here the first time and jumped at the chance to return because he wants to win, loves the city, and loves the fans.  He feels the fans are the 10^th player on the field, and here in Philly we embrace this.

-          Flyers forward Mike Richards and Jeff Carter both signed long term contracts to stay in Philadelphia (12 and 11 years respectfully).  Sure they’re Mexicans in sweaters, but they embrace the city and the passion behind it.

I can continue about Philadelphia (just as I’m sure people in other cities can make their own case), but I actually want to watch Lee dismantle the Astros offense (currently 2-0 in the bottom of the second), but if I can sum up the average Philly fan it would be passion and loyalty.

Do Philly fans boo?  Yes, name one city that doesn’t.  Do we chant opposing players?  Yes, it’s our job.  Do we get on our own players?  Yes, it’s part of the passion.  Do we live and die with our teams?  Without a doubt.

Don’t believe the media hype.  I’m proud to be a Philadelphia sports fan.  We’re the best fans in the world!

Baseball's All Time Ugly Team

“Peter Gibbons: What would you do if you had a million dollars? Lawrence: I'll tell you what I'd do, man: two chicks at the same time, man. Peter Gibbons: That's it? If you had a million dollars, you'd do two chicks at the same time? Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up, too; 'cause chicks dig dudes with money. Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks. Lawrence: Well, the type of chicks that'd double up on a dude like me do. Peter Gibbons: Good point.”   

Yes, I watched “Office Space” last night.  I actually probably watch it twice a week and each time, it fuels my hatred for Corporate America.  Anyway, the above scene, which takes place over a beer in Peter’s apartment, inspired me to make a roster of baseball players who found themselves in the same boat as Lawrence.  Fortunately for these players (and unlike Lawrence), they had the money chicks dig.  I pray each member on this 25-man roster used their money to do two chicks at the same time. 

Catcher:  Andy Etchebarren

Based on Andy’s “I have no idea what’s going on” expression, and weathered face, I think it’s pretty safe to say he subscribed to the theory that a catcher’s mask was optional.  Also, based on his gold medal winning uni-brow, I’m willing to place a wager that grooming and hygiene weren’t top priorities either.

First Base:  John Kruk

The ’93 Phillies on their own might make their own case for All-Ugly team. If I had to pick a whole team as an All-Time, All-Ugly team, it would be the ’93 Phils (with the ’86 Mets a damn close second).  Krukker is on the top of that team list.  A greasy permed mullet, a dick-do (that’s when your belly sticks out more than your dick do), and f*ck off facial hair isn’t getting you any player points.  Also, anytime Chris Farley portrays you in a skit on Saturday Night Live and looks better than you, you’ve got problems.

Second Base:  Mickey Morandini

The only saving grace for Mickey in this picture is that anyone standing next to Danny Bonadouche looks like Brad Pitt.  Another  ’93 Phillie, Mickey was against the permed mullet, but dug on the f*ck off facial hair, mainly to detract from his Jay Leno chin, boxers nose, and pock-marked skin.  If it wasn’t for Harry Kalas and how he would say “Mick-ey  Mor-an-din-I”, he probably would have never been a baseball player, instead hanging drywall in Charlotte.

Third Base:  Jorge Cantu

Cantu is no longer allowed to do autograph appearances.  His skin is so scarred from acne, he frightens small children, and that’s no good for team public relations.  It’s a shame the never had ProActiv Solution in Mexico.

Short Stop:  Honus Wagner

Here’s a little-known secret about Wager.  He was nicknamed “The Flying Dutchman” due to his ability to fly with his ears, not for his play on the field.  Also, check the nose.  Is it possible he’s the long lost great grandfather of Gheorghe Muresan?

Outfield:  George Foster

If this picture doesn’t scream serial rapist and janitor, I’m not sure what does…

Outfield:   Willie McGee

Willie resembles the interspecies by-product of a weasel and E.T.  Since Willie’s retirement, he has been mercifully out of the public eye.  Most likely because he’s being probed at Area 51.

Outfield:  Otis Nixon

Pay attention, kids.  If you smoke crack and bang hookers, this is the end result. 

Pitcher:  Randy Johnson

Mammas hide your daughters.  Combine a greasy mullet and skin so bad it makes Seal feel better about himself, with a really sketchy moustache and you have Randy Johnson.  He’s currently at the local Wal-Mart looking to get in your teenage daughter’s pants.

Pitcher:  Tim Lincecum

We all know Tim likes the reefer, but it’s a good thing he can pitch; otherwise he’s got a one-way ticket to Meth Mountain (he already has the teeth for it).  Another thing, I’m 12 years older than Timmy and I abuse my body on a regular basis and I have fewer  creases and wrinkles on my face.  Take care of yourself,  Ace.  Oh and by the way, Jackie Haley claimed that look in the Bad News Bears in 1976.  Be original. 

Pitcher:  Ezequiel Astacio

What the f*ck is on his face?  Seriously, what the f*ck is that?  I pray it’s not contagious.

Pitcher:  Fernando Valenzuela

Fernando is somewhere between a full sized Herve Villechaize (AKA Tattoo) and George Lopez.  The difference is that he weighs more than both of them combined.  I better stop now, though.  I’d hate to feel the wrath of “Fernandomania”.

Pitcher:  Don Mossi

When you have ears bigger than Honus Wagner, and a nose bigger than Jimmy Durante, you better be able to throw a curve ball.

Pitcher:  Steve Trout

I like when people look like what their last names are, and Steve-O is a perfect example of this (I’m also a fan of people who look like their dogs).  I hope he realized that trying to look like the singer of REO Speedwagon in this picture, with wavy hair and glasses, didn’t deter from his fish face.  It made him look like a bigger douche.

Pitcher:  Kent Tekulve

I hate Kent Tekulve.  Not because he was on the ’79 Pirates that after being down three games to one beat the Orioles in the World Series, but because he has no chin.  People with no chin have no souls (along with midgets and gingers).  While he had a decent career as a closer, he’s also the poster boy for why inbreeding is against the law.

Pitcher:  Zane Smith

How much wood could a Zane Smith chuck if a Zane Smith could chuck wood?

Pitcher:  Rod Beck

I was completely unaware that you can take mug shots in your uniform.  I thought the owners of baseball teams would frown on that sort of thing.  The original Kenny Powers looks like he has already polished off a couple fifths of Jim Beam to come down from his four-day coke bender.  R.I.P. Rod Beck.

Pitcher:  Dick Pole

Ok, Dick isn’t exactly an ugly dude.  He sort of resembles a poor man’s John Holmes.  But Dick has an outstanding name, so he made the team.  The only better name in all of sports might be former NBA player Chubby Cox.

On a complete sidebar, notice this is actually an autographed card.  Something tells me the only reason the person got it signed was to watch him write the name “Dick Pole”.  I know I would.

Pitcher:  Julian Tavarez

With all due respect to burn victims, give Julian a striped sweater, fedora, and a glove with razor blades in the fingers and he’ll haunt you in your dreams.

Bench:   Jeffrey Leonard

If I had to put a caption on this photo it would be “Bitch, what you mean I’s ugly.  All the ladies call me penitentiary face.”

Bench:  Ron Karkovice

Karkovice looks like he shaves with a weed whacker (I know it’s hard to see because he’s also a step down from albino).  This is probably where his pocks and scars on his face came from.  If you see this man driving a white van with a box full of candy, please contact the local authorities.

Bench:  Jack Clark

Every time Michael Strahan sees this picture he kills a kitten.  The man who prides himself on not going to an orthodontist as a kid wasn’t the original.  Mike, at least you don’t have a uni-brow.

Bench:  Yogi Berra

All I have to say is, watch Planet of the Apes…  ‘Nuff said..

Bench:  Lenny Dykstra

“Nails” is a fitting name for him.  Aside from looking mildly retarded, with a clump of chew in his jaw, this financial guru  looks like he took a swan dive in a pile of nails.

On a sidebar, another ’93 Phillie.

Bench:  Hideki Matsui

How can we have a team without a representative from the Orient?  I’m not sure what Matsui did earlier in his life but aren’t the Japanese known for their silky smooth skin? Maybe that’s why they call him Godzilla.

Some honorable mentions who didn’t make the cut:

Joel Youngblood, Pete Rose, Alan Trammell, Hubie Brooks, Pete Vuckovich, Early Wynn, Greg Maddux, Jeff Montgomery, Alan Wiggins, Kevin McReynolds, Steve Jeltz, & Gorman Thomas