The RIOT! is Sick!!!!

No I don't mean in the "you those guys are sick" way.  I mean in the walking pneumonia/strep throat with 103 fever, hallucinating, thinking 6 foot squirrels are chasing you through the house way.  So as creator, and captain of this wreck, I would like to walk the plank, and take responsibility for the page being inactive for a week.  I don't know how you all survived without us, but rest assured, I've recovered from the Black Plague 2011, so there will be regular rantings from Jay, Ant, Deb and myself again.  However, due to an increase of shit in my throat, caused no doubt by my insane ranting at everything from the Jets to my dumb ass dog, the "mini-show" may be on hiatus for a few weeks.  I may produce some short flop for you to listen too, but I'm not promising anything.  Right now, talking to the people around me is enough work.  So I will be writing my insane rantings for a few weeks, so that ought to be fun you and for me.  So in closing, as CEO and captain of this rotting vessel we call "The Riot!” we will continue to spread our venom, and just spew our riotness all over the world.  Because the revolution doesn't stop because of pneumonia, or colds, or syphilis, does it? When George Washington had all his wooden teeth set on fire, did he lie down on his couch and watch VH1's "I Love the 80's" for 7 consecutive hours? NO! When Thomas Jefferson's cock fell off from all the poon he had, did he stop writing the Declaration of Independence to run from the 6-foot squirrel that's been stalking him through the house the past few days? <he's watching me now>. NO! When John Adam's realized he was possibly the shortest man ever and had no business being as important as he was considered back then, did he not shower for 4 days, and blame that smell on the kids? NO! They fought on...all of them.  And so will we.  So onward and upward! To Infinity and Beyond! And whatever other terrible cliché I haven't used yet, stay tuned....there will be more to come.  Because syphilis may hurt when you pee, but it will not take out my greatest weapon.....my mind.  Stop laughing, and go Fuck yourself, we're back...so watch out.

A**hole of the Week 2-18-11

Albert Haynesworth

In pondering this week’s a-hole of the week, I was distracted by a guy on the train.  Middle aged, balding, and wearing a suit, this guy was starting his morning off right, watching porn on his iPhone.  I immediately thought he could be the a-hole of the week, but considering he wasn’t remotely athletic, and no one knew who he was it would lack relevance.  Then I thought, watching porn on a public train, is a pretty bold move, so maybe he’s actually the hero of the week. 

So I decided to pour myself a cocktail, put on a Hot Water Music record (Fuel For The Hate Game, if you must know), and ponder it a little more.  It didn’t take too long to think of a-holes, but then I realized, who isn’t a bigger a-hole then the great Albert Haynesworth.

This overpriced chucklehead, who’s out of shape and has the intelligence of a bucket of Crisco, managed to get himself in legal trouble not once, but twice in 48 hours.

On Sunday, Haynesworth was formally charged with assault after a road rage incident.  Apparently the dipshit was driving in his pickup truck where he came upon a car in front of him that wasn’t going fast enough for his liking.  Instead of passing the car, Haynesworth thought it would be smarter to ride the guy’s ass for a couple miles.  The driver in front obviously didn’t like this, so after hand gestures were exchanged, both parties pulled over, and Haynesworth assaulted the man.  Of course Albert agent maintains his innocence (even though Haynesworth’s agent, Chad Speck is a slime ball, and even he knows his meal ticket is an a-hole).

But Fat Albert wasn’t finished, and was determined to continue his quest to be the biggest scumbag in DC.

Reports are that a waitress for the W Hotel in Washington DC is accusing Haynesworth of sexual assault.  According to the police report, Haynesworth was at the hotel knocking back a couple of cocktails Sunday night (most likely celebrating his assault charge), when he asked for his tab.  Upon receiving said tab, Haynesworth wanted to pay with his credit card.  The waitress in question had her hands full and said she would be right back for it.  Now while most people would be understanding of this, Al wasn’t down.  He asked if he could put the card in the pocket of her blouse (he is an important Washington figure after all).   The waitress obliged, but instead of Haynesworth simply putting the card in her pocket, he had to go all creepy on her and cop a feel of her boob (maybe in-lieu of a tip?).

I know athletes and celebrities get more perks then the average fella, but the last time I touched a tit when paying a tab, I was as a low end strip club in suburban Atlanta, and I still left feeling dirty.

I’d like to think Al is better than that, but in reality he’s not.  Given his history with his on and off the field antics, he’s clearly an a-hole.  If there’s one redeeming fact about him it’s that he makes Redskins owner Dan Snyder look like a bigger jackass for actually giving this ass clown a contract.

 I flaw both victims in one respect.  Had they dressed like quarterbacks there would be not legal issues.  Any average football fan knows if there’s one thing he can’t do well is getting to the quarterback.

Jay

Hey Mr. Pujols, Baltimore’s Calling

February 16, 2011

Dear Albie,

Do you mind if I call you Albie?  Since I see you on TV all the time, I feel like we’re almost friends, so 'Mr. Pujols' seems a bit formal.  You can call me Jay.  Um…  Actually, call me Mr. Platt.  Although you read my work, you don’t see me on  TV every day, so I don’t exactly feel comfortable with you using such loose terms when referring to me.  Once we know each other a little better, we can revisit this.

Now that we’ve gotten the formalities out of the way…

I know as you're asking yourself, “Jay from ‘The Sports Riot!’ writing me?  He’s a busy guy, with his writing, his beer, and his women.  How does he have the time?”

While I do have more going on than sitting in the Florida sun with a bunch of dudes, snapping towels in a locker room, and playing a child’s game, I wanted to take a minute to put the ladies and sauce aside, and give you a little pep talk.

It’s a real shitty thing what the Cardinals did to you and I’m sorry for that.  They essentially gave the best player in baseball the middle finger over a few million dollars.  You’re probably feeling like Latrell Spreewell right now.  I know you have kids to feed.  It’s inexcusable what they did, and you and I both know it will come back to bite them in the ass. 

Let’s look on the bright side.  Who wants to play for a manager in his 60’s, who still sports a quazi-mullet? If it wasn’t for the moustache, I’d get him and Dennis Eckersley confused.  Besides, aside from the country’s highest crime rate and the scene in National Lampoon’s Vacation where the Griswolds got lost, what good has come out of St. Louis?  It’s a crime-filled sewer that is still second rate to Kansas City in terms of barbeque (and head to head World Series play).

Here’s the good news, Albie. Jay, I mean Mr. Platt, has the perfect destination for you.  A little gem tucked away between Philadelphia and Washington.  That’s right, Albie: Baltimore.

The Charm City itself is where you could become a household name.  The birthplace of Babe Ruth and the home of Albie Pujth (we might have to alter your last name).  Tell me that’s not peanut butter and jelly right there.

Let me point out just a few non-baseball perks of the greatness of Baltimore:

-           It’s close to the motherland.  Just a 3 hour plane flight and you’re on the beaches of Santo Domingo drinking a pina colada.

-          Its home of The Wire.  I’ve done my research, Albie; I know it’s the only reason you subscribed to HBO.

-          Crab cakes.  Need I say more?

-          It’s John Waters' favorite city.  Don’t be shy, I know you’re a big movie buff, and word around the campfire is that Cecil B. Demented is one of your favorite flicks.

-          They have a water taxi!  That’s right.  For a few pennies you can stumble out of the Inner Harbor and wind up in Fells Point.  That’s where the ladies are Albie.

Now, let’s look at the historic tradition of your future franchise:

-           While the Orioles over the past 13 years haven’t continued the Oriole Way, this is a new time for the Birds.  Bucky Showalter has these kids playing for their jobs.  He’ll do the same for you and it’ll only make you a better person, both on and off the field.  After Buck took the helm in Baltimore, the Orioles went 34-23.  That was the best record in the AL East over that time span.

-          Look at some of the names in their lineup:  Brian Roberts, Mark Reynolds, Nick Markakis, Adam Jones, Derek Lee (well obviously he’ll be gone considering you’ll be at first base), Luke Scott.  I’m just naming a few, and while they are not the biggest names in baseball, they are a young, talented bunch.  They work hard on the field every day and just need the right leader to set the tone for the new Orioles Way.  That would be you, Albie.  You’re the Field General that's lacking in Charm City.  

-          I know the lack of household names might be a bit concerning, but you’ll never have to look over your shoulder for snakes like Matt Holladay or Lance Berkman.  You don’t play your cards right, you might end up like Nancy Kerrigan, if you know what I’m saying.

-          The Orioles have a young and very talented pitching staff.  Jeremy Guthrie was second on the team in losses with 14, but his 3.83 ERA led the rotation.  The Orioles lacked offense last year (Hell, Ty Wiggington was the Orioles' “big bat” in 2010 with his 22 home runs and 76 RBI’s.  We both know you can do that one-handed).  Brian Matusz won 10 games as a rookie.  He’s only going to get better and although he struggled with injuries, Brad Bergesen finished strong with 8 wins of his own.  Let's not forget Justin Dushscherer is primed for comeback.  After 3 injury-plagued years, he’s due for a Cy Young-type performance.

-          The bullpen is deep, anchored by Kevin Gregg, Mike Williams, Koji Uehara, and Alfredo Simon (pending his legal charges in the motherland, as he’s still in a Dominican Republic jail).  With names like that, you know a lead is safe.  If not, I know you’ll come up in the clutch and send the other team packing.

-          Also, you get to tell the Yankees and Red Sox to stick it for summers.  The Yankees are getting older by the minute (Jeter, Posada, Rivera), and A-Rod hasn’t been the same since he tainted his numbers.  The Red Sox still are trying to buy a championship, but the AL East will be going through Baltimore once you’re on the field.

There are some perks here, buddy.  The world would be your oyster, or should I say crab cake (get my little joke?), in the Charm City. 

Oh, I almost forgot the best part.  It’ll give us a chance to hang out!  How cool would that be?  You can send a limo, or maybe even helicopter to me, and we can spend the weekends bro’ing down.  You could hook me up in a suite for a game, then after we could grab a nice dinner, have a couple cervezas, and scope out some fine Baltimorean tail.  Occasionally I’ll even surprise you.  I’ll take the bus down, and I’ll check into my hotel (I always stay under the name “John Leggo”,  mainly to keep the scags away). I’ll head to the box office, where I know I’ll have tickets always waiting for me, and during the game I’ll send you a text.  Something like “guess who’s in town???”  Then we can tear the city up!

Hell, if you’re ever in town for an interleague game in Philly, you can crash on my couch (I’m sure it’ll be cool with my roommate), and we can grab cheese steaks at Pat's.  This is exciting stuff, Albie.  I hope you’re excited as I am about this.  You can play for a quality baseball team and hang out with your good buddy Mr. Platt (well, maybe Jay by then; we’ll have to discuss that).  I’m getting douche chills just thinking about it.

I hate to cut this short, but I have to run.  I  have a very busy schedule and I must tend to it.  I look forward to your reply (I’ll be checking my mail daily, or hit me up on Skype).

Sincerely,

Mr. Platt

P.S.  – Please tell Mr. Theriot that all here at “The Riot!” are huge fans and send our regards.

P.S.S – I’ll send that autographed headshot to you later in the week.  Would you rather I send it to the spring complex or to your home address (if it’s your home address, please provide)?  Either way is fine I just want to make sure you get it.

Sensitivity and Cockfighting

The late and brilliant George Carlin once said he can prove anything is funny.  To prove this point,  he went on to say that even something disturbing as rape is funny.

“They’ll say you can’t joke about rape.  Rape’s not funny.  I say f*ck you, I think it’s hilarious.  How do you like that?  I can prove to you rape is funny.  Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd.  See, why do you think they call him Porky, eh?”

Carlin went on to give other examples regarding the ridiculousness of rape.  He was pointing out (in a very funny way) that all comedy comes from tragedy.  That entire skit (well Carlin in general)  changed my life.

Today, too many people take life too seriously.  In doing this, they miss all the humor  heinous crimes can bring. Take Michael Vick.  Even here in Philly, where he has become widely accepted, a dog fighting joke will land you a dirty look or some shitty comment.  Don’t get me wrong;  what Vick did was terrible, but it doesn’t mean there’s no humor hidden in there.

This brings me to a little hidden gem I found about a cockfight that clearly went  wrong.

Cockfighting (not to be confused with Indian Dick Wrestling), you say???   

 I know folks here in the United States love dogs more than cock, but cock is more loved over the world than dog (except in Korea and the Philippines, where they eat dog).   In the US it’s easily proved by Michael Vick still being public enemy number one. But no one remembers when Pedro Martinez and Juan Marichal regularly attended cockfights in 2008.  Call me old fashioned, but animal abuse is animal abuse, whether it’s dogs, cocks, or PJ Carlissimo.

Let me get off my soapbox and tell you a story about Jose Ochoa.  As I started writing this, part of me wanted to embellish this story chock full of stereotype (Picking oranges, hanging in front of Home Depot, etc), but it would cheapen it.  It’s funny enough knowing Mr. Ochoa was killed by a cock.

Ochoa, 35, was attending a cockfight just outside of Earlimart, CA (for those of you who don’t know where Earlimart is, it’s in the meth belt of California, nestled between Bakersfield and Fresno), when it was raided by the Tulare County Sheriff’s Office.  The raid clearly spooked both the Mexicans and Cocks because as Ochoa was trying to elude police a cock flew into his legs.  But this wasn’t  an ordinary cock;  it was a killer cock.

See, the genius who owned said cock had knives attached to the cock’s feet. (This is very common among cockfighting community although I don’t remember seeing that on Seinfeld).  When the cock flew into Ochoa’s leg, a knife punctured his calf, severing a major artery, and he bled out.  Jose Ochoa went out for a fun evening of illegal gambling with his amigos and ended up in a body bag.

I guess there is poetic justice.  When you live by the cock, you die by the cock.

SIDEBAR:  I’d like to take a second to thank KGPE in Fresno for providing me with information pertaining to this article.  I’d also like to thank the Fresno County Sheriff’s department  for dumb comments made on KGPE, ever reminding me never to go to Fresno.

“There are a lot of things associated with cockfighting such as illegal gambling, illegal drugs, and animal cruelty.”

No shit…

“We believe this is the first time a man has died as a result of a cockfight.”

I’m going to have to call bullshit on this one.  Granted, there are probably more deaths from,  say, exploding meth labs than cockfights in the greater metropolitan area of Fresno, but I doubt this is the first death as a result of a cockfight gone bad.  Considering it’s illegal and worldwide, something tells me there might be more unreported deaths than the fine sheriff  thinks.

Stay classy, Fresno.  Thanks for reminding me that Philadelphia is a great city…

Arena Football is Back, and it's the greatest sport on the Planet!!!

Arena Football Returns!  Seven People Care...

Hey football fans!  Sad there's no real football for seven more months (that joke of an all-star game doesn't count, and don't get me started on the preseason)?  Well fear not, in a few short days the AFL is set to return!

After a one year hiatus due to pending bankruptcy, the AFL (Arena Football League if you're not in the know), will be back giving football fans the gridiron battles they have sorely missed.

I'm totally kidding.  Football fans will have to wait until September to see football.  Arena football sucks...

In case you don't know, let me break arena football down for you (and the excitement that comes along with it).  Played indoors (duh), arena football is played on a 50 x 25 yard field.  There are no sidelines, but boards (like hockey but without the glass).  The goal posts are much smaller than regular football (I didn't care enough to look up the actual width, but I'd guess it's smaller than the length of a Honda Civic).  Most of the games are high scoring (I mean even a chimpanzee can move a ball 50 yards on four downs).  Oh, and most players play multiple positions on offense and defense.

While the AFL does have franchises in major cities with real sports teams, a lot of the cities are better known for minor league baseball. The target audience is Middle American simpletons.  I compare it to indoor soccer or professional lacrosse (I use the term "professional" very loosely), but a step below the XFL (mainly because of Rod "He Hate Me" Smart).

Here in Philadelphia the franchise is named The Soul.  They are owned by Jon Bon Jovi (whose music has gotten progressively worse since 7200 Degrees Fahrenheit), and apparently the current league champion.  You don't see many people around the city with Soul gear on (mainly because no one cares), and when you do, it's usually some overweight slob from outside the city (aka Pennsltucky).

Part of what prompted me to write this was a debate I had at the bar last week.  I was sitting with friends, enjoying a cigarette, a cold Schlitz, a bit of whiskey and discussing the pending Super bowl when this guy walked in.

Looking like your stereotypical AFL fan (big belly, acid or stone washed jeans, sporting a Soul jersey and hat); he waddles toward the bar and proclaims the return of the World Champion Philadelphia Soul (thoughtlessly interrupting the current conversation).

After getting some strange looks from some regulars, he proceeds to continue his spewing of arena football.  As entertaining as it was, it gets annoying when you are talking sports with a guy who has no concept of sports.

Here's a few of this jerks thought provoking comments (I actually wrote them down so I wouldn't forget):

"The AFL has some of the most gifted athletes in the world."

Whiskey almost came out of my nose when I heard this.  While I will agree they are athletically talented, these people are not professional athletes.  At best it's a part time job or a slightly paid hobby.  Professional athletes don't need to supplement their income by working at Starbucks or as a personal trainer. They are a step above bar league softball.

"Arena football is the most physically grueling sports around"

So is bowling and badminton...  Would agree with an argument that REAL football is physically grueling or maybe even hockey, but 11 guys prancing around a field when they might get tackled in a padded wall, doesn't remotely come close.

"It's going to be the biggest sport in the world in a few short years."

This is what I mean when it's annoying talking with or listening to a clueless fool discussing sports.  Biggest in the world?  When you have teams based in Tulsa and Des Moines, you have a long way to go to reach the four corners of the Earth.  As much as it pains me to say this, soccer is the most popular sport in the world and it will continue to be that way as long as the world has third world countries.

I can continue, but I think I made a point of what kind of jackass this guy was.  He made the average NASCAR fan look like a member of MENSA. 

Going against my better judgment I decided to engage with this brain surgeon and let him know how full of shit he was.  I shot down all the bullshit he was spewing, and informed him the sport is stupid and the average player couldn't make the practice squad on an NFL team.  Of course he disagreed because you can never win arguing with an idiot.  Then I asked him to name one AFL star (being they are the world’s most gifted athletes).  After thinking for a minute, he comes up with one; Kurt Warner.

Ah...  Who can forget the AFL darling Kurt Warner???  One year struggling with the Iowa Barnstormers and working nights at a grocery store only to be the Super bowl MVP the next year.  Sure he's going to the Hall of Fame in a few years, but the choad at the bar totally missed the point.  No one knew of or gave a rat’s ass about Warner when he was a Barnstormer.  He was a hick playing a fake sport in a third rate city.

In closing, not is only the concept of arena football stupid, but most of their fans are highly functioning retards.  Do yourself a favor.  Watch reruns of The World’s Strongest Man on ESPN Classic until September.  You'll be better off...

Jay's Prediction Results and Much More

Jay’s Prediction Results

Unlike other blogs, magazines, and radio shows, we here at The Riot! will always, ALWAYS face the music when bold statements are made.  We will take the good with the bad because that’s what we do as fans right?  When the Jets lost, did I not get donkey punched like the bitch I am , by all who felt it was necessary.  I mean 2 weeks later and I was still getting poked…..by MY WIFE.  So Jay made some predictions last week.  He was man enough…or at least drunk enough, to stick his neck out when none of us wanted to, and take the hit for this one.  So let’s review these bold predictions and see how they panned out for the man.

- Whoever receives the ball first, will score on the first drive of the game. , WRONGSteelers went 3 and out
- At the Super Bowl party I'm attending this year (at Ray's Bar) I will quarterly make a rape comment about 'Ole Ben, and proceed to call a Steeler fan an a-hole. Well Considering he made one , at least every 15 to 20 minutes to me via text, I’m going to put this one in the win column
- At some point one of the Steeler fans I call an a-hole will threaten me with bodily harm. As you will see in a moment, this was correct-  If I see anyone with one of those stupid cheese head hats on, I will laugh in their face. N/A, I don’t think there are many cheesheads in Philly.  And if there are…good luck with that

- I will consider wearing a black Falcons Michael Vick jersey to said party.  This will piss at least one dog lover off and they will tell me about it. Didn’t happen that way, but he did make a Vick Dog joke to me via text, so I’m sure he did at the bar as well.  I’m giving him a win on this one.- None of my boxes will hit anytime in the game. True.  He had a shot in the 3^rd, but it fell short. Sorry Jay
- I will make a case for the return of Bud Bowl. I did, so I’m sure he did too
-  I will drink too much and have a suicidal headache Monday morning. The jury was still out at 2:44AM, we’ll follow up

- Beyond my stupidity, I do think this will be a good game. Although they were the Sixth seed in the NFC, the Packers proved they belong here. Rogers has come into his own and is the best quarterback in the NFC.  He can get out of his own way and has some of the best offensive weapons at his disposal (Grant Jennings anyone?).  MVP of Super Bowl XLV
- Rogers will be going to Disney World, 24-17 Packers. Almost dead on with this one.  Good Call Jay.

Now, while this game was unfolding, I’m in California and Jay is at a bar in Philly. He is texting me his thoughts on the game and all of the things around him.  And the drunker he got, the more interesting it became.  Here’s a sample of what I’m talking about, because showing all of them will….well let’s just say you might need therapy after this.

643pm - Nice to know Joe Buck knows useless information like the location of Chico, CA.  Way to earn a paycheck.  I know Google Maps too. Dickhead.

648pm - Ok...  Within the first 5 minutes I was threatened with physical violence.  Granted she's hot and swift prolly 85 pounds but did clinch her fist and ask me to take it outside...

708pm - Ben got picked...  I'm thinking he saw a 18 year old he could meet in the bathroom

731pm - Just ate a chicken wing.  Only because the folks called me names event too bad for this sight...  I might have had relations with a mom.  Also, I love chickens but never put them in my mouth.

736pm - Didn't win first quarter box.  Even though with good numbers.  Bill next to me who is 77, called Ben a bastard 19 times so far.

806pm - Bill, who is 77, proclaims Pittsburgh will win this game

810pm - Big Ben...  Can outrun a 300lb linebacker, but can't outrun an 85 year old woman in a Buick Century...

817pm - The Puppy Bowl beats this crap feat they call a half time show.

849pm - I heard a rumor James Harrison like young boys...

This unfortunately was the last we heard from Jay on this night.  I’m not sure if he succumbed to alcohol poisoning, or the relentless draw of a nice rack.  Maybe James Harrison got to him, we still do not know.  What we do know is Jay is F$%ked up, but he knows his sports.  I hope your Super Bowl party was as fun as his.

Jay's Super Predictions

It's that time again isn't it?  Everyone pulls out their crystal ball, and makes their annual Super Bowl predictions.  I've never been one to make Super Bowl predictions.  Mainly, since I'm an Eagles fan, so I never have anything invested in the game. So I'm more interested in what Super Bowl party I will be attending, what type of food and beverages will be provided, and what talent will also be attending said party.

This year in particular, leaves me genuinely disinterested because of who is playing. So my main concern is that my boxes come up quarterly at Ray's Happy Birthday Bar (in beautiful South Philly).

I don't like the Packers. I like Aaron Rogers as a player, but I can't get over how much I loathe Brett Favre (aside his Jimmy Swaggert "I have sinned" speech, when he came clean about his addiction to pills). 

On the flip side, I really hate the Steelers.  Any team with a fan base with bigger a-holes than the Red Sox, deserves no love.  The only thing that amuses me about them is Big Ben not being able to keep it in his pants (forcibly or not).

Anyway, enough of my ill feelings and on to predictions:

- Whoever receives the ball first, will score on the first drive of the game.

- At the Super Bowl party I'm attending this year (at Ray's Bar) I will quarterly make a rape comment about 'Ole Ben, and proceed to call a Steeler fan an a-hole.

- At some point one of the Steeler fans I call an a-hole will threaten me with bodily harm.

-  If I see anyone with one of those stupid cheese head hats on, I will laugh in their face.

- I will consider wearing a black Falcons Michael Vick jersey to said party.  This will piss at least one dog lover off and they will tell me about it.

- None of my boxes will hit anytime in the game.

- I will make a case for the return of Bud Bowl.

-  I will drink too much and have a suicidal headache Monday morning.

- Beyond my stupidity, I do think this will be a good game. Although they were the Sixth seed in the NFC, the Packers proved they belong here. Rogers has come into his own and is the best quarterback in the NFC.  He can get out of his own way and has some of the best offensive weapons at his disposal (Grant Jennings anyone?). 

Pittsburgh again has one of the league’s best defenses. The lost Wild Samoan Brother in the secondary is the best in the game, and guys like Parker and Farrior can put a serious hurting on an opposing offense.

The biggest difference I see between these two teams is Pittsburgh doesn't have the offensive weapons that Green Bay has.  While the Packer D isn't what the Steelers have, they can still hold their own and have played well this post season. So I think it might come down to the offensive edge, even should it be a low scoring game. 

- Rogers will be going to Disney World, 24-17 Packers.

Hockey Fights are awesome

So I heard someone call a radio station yesterday and say that they can't watch a game where it's ok to fight for 5 minutes, and then just move on like nothing happened.  I disagree.  I actually wish it was like this in real life, let alone hockey.  Don't you wish you could just smack your boss in the mouth if he/she gets out of line?  I mean, not all of us have the boss that you want to piledrive into the desk, but at least half of us do.  I feel that hockey needs to finally embrace this aspect of the game instead of trying to "clean up the game."  Maybe they should have a spotlight that shines on the 2 or 3 guys fighting, and a bell should ring....just for effect.  Maybe they should have friday night fights.  Like every friday, you get the 2 toughest SOB's from each game that night, and have them square off at intermission, and broadcast it.  Make it fun for everyone.  I guarantee if they do this, Vs. network will play a hell of alot more games.  They love them some fightin' on that network.  Then, we can have WWF style shit talking between periods.  We could bring "Mean" Gene Oakerlund back and make a show of it.  Look if the NHL isn't going to get ratings anyway, you might as well appeal to the meatheads out there, and grab a share while you still can.  The NHL is 2 more piss poor seasons away from not even making the sportscenter highlights anymore.  It's bad enough they get like 2 and a half minutes at the very end of the show maybe 3 times a week.  You know Barry Melrose gets stared at and snickered at when he hits the Sportscenter set.  When Trent Dilfer can look at you and laugh at your irrelevance, it's hard to come back from. 
Now I know what some of you are saying "What about the children? Don't you think this senseless violence sends the wrong messgage?"  As a parent I will say this.  Yes it is violence for violence sake, and yes it's probably not what the kids should see.  As a parent, I know what my kids are watching, and if a brawl does break out, I explain to my child that that is an uppercut.  That is a body blow.  That is a cheap shot.  Watch these fights with your kids and talk to them about it and teach them.  Like how to properly pull your opponents jersey over your opponents head rendering him defensless, so you can really do some damage. Teach him never to take your helmet off, and if you need to, use your stick as a weapon. (Nobody messes with Marty McSorley anymore)
So let them fight, let them fight, let them fight!!  If you don't think that fighting is maybe the best part of hockey, watch this vid and you be the judge.  This is a Rangers/Islanders tradition.  The full-on brawl. Even the goalies fight.  And boy, Dan Cloutier was willing to take on the whole Islander bench.  Wait for that scene, it's a classic. Enjoy.

All-Star Weekend Sucks

So this weekend marked the halfway point of the NHL season, and the end of the NFL season with their annual all-star festivities. So I tried to watch this drek on Saturday night beginning with the NHL skills competition and then on Sunday with the NHL all-star game and the Pro-Bowl. Now let me just say that my overall opinion on all-star games have diminished greatly since I was a kid.  When I was younger I used to love the all-star games in all sports.  I don’t know if it was the spectacle of it all, the stars themselves, the highlights that were just waiting to happen, I don’t know, but it felt like an event.  Now, it feels about as relevant as the WNBA.  I would rather watch a professional water polo match, or Indian Dick wrestling.

So I’m sitting on my couch watching the stars of both the NFL and the NHL….and I’m bored.  Scratch that, I WANT TO KILL MYSELF.  The Pro-Bowl was so bad, I resorted to watching “Clash of the Titans,” the one with Russell Crowe.  That wasn’t Russell Crowe?  Anyway, I digress.  So I started thinking of each leagues All-Star weekends and I’ve come up with some ways to make these experiences better for the fans, and give the athletes more to play for to make these things more like an actual competition.

NHL – So every year the NHL has a whole All-Star weekend.  Complete with a skills competition, a rookie game and the actual All-Star game itself.  The NHL has the right idea, and overall has the best All-Star experience.  There skills competition is the most fun, and the game is always competitive.  But this year, the skills competition felt like it was roughly 4 hours long, and the game was an 11-10 defensive struggle.  So when 21 goals are scored in a game, it begins to get a bit ridiculous, don’t you think.  So I think this is a good place to start.

1-      Since 21 goals were scored in one game, we need to do something to motivate these goalies and the defense.  I mean, it’s still hockey….F#%KING HIT SOMEBODY!!! So let’s take the goalies first.  How about every time they let up a goal, we take one piece of equipment.  So in this case, giving up 11 goals would cost you all but your jock essentially.  Strip hockey….that’ll make him stretch for that top shelfer.

2-      Now for the D, for every goal that the goalie gives up that is directly your fault, you have to wear the piece of equipment the goalie has to give up.  Imagine Zdeno Chara with a goalie pad on, trying to take a slapper.  Precious.

3-      Just for kicks, every once in a while, have a steel cage drop down from the ceiling and trap players inside.  Then spotlight them, and have Michael Buffer say “LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!” And then whoever is in the cage has to drop the gloves and duke it out until someone is dead, or they tap out.  Hopefully, every once in a while, the cage will fall on someone, and trap them.  Then not only are you fighting to win the fight, but to save a colleague.  That’s the type of motivation we need here.

NFL – So the NFL Pro-Bowl…..WTF?  Exactly when did defensive juggernauts like Ray Lewis and Darrelle Revis decide it was OK to stand around and let Michael Vick and Matt Ryan hang 51 points on them in one game.  What kind of “lay down and die” mentality is that.  It was like watching touch football in my backyard, with my children.  Hit somebody for God sake. I mean they stand around, and just watch Vick run.  Vick throw.  TD after TD, and nothing.  It is sad to see Ray Lewis just stand there and watch Michael Turner just run down the field. IT WAS 42-0 EARLY IN THE 3^RD!!!!!! I’m calm now.  So here are my solutions.

1-      Have a skills competition….sort of.  So since the NFL has decided to ignore every other league that does a skills competition, and just forgo what is definitely the best part of every all-star experience, we are going to make some different suggestions. Have a pass accuracy competition that resembles hot potato.  Expect when you lose…..your hand blows off.  How interesting would it be to watch Peyton Manning and Tom Brady tossing the ball back and forth……for there career.  I know the hope is the ball explodes in between the 2, but what if you’re a Jets fan.  You’re watching that with severe intensity.  Have a RB competition where they have to lineup, and run plays against a Defense.  Here’s the catch…..the defense are unfed Wolverines with rabies.  And no not Michigan Wolverines……they can’t stop a nose bleed. (“CAN’T WAIT!!!”) And now, this one is actually fun I think.  Have WR make diving catches like into water.  Have a giant pool, and launch balls out over the water, and who ever makes the best catch, wins.  I guess you could add some Great Whites to the water for extra motivation, but that is not necessary.

2-      OK, onto the game itself. Whichever coach loses the Pro-Bowl has to coach in the CFL next year.  Or the Michigan Wolverines….God they are bad. 

3-      For the 2^nd and 4^th quarters, they have to change positions.  So WR’s and RB’s become O-linemen and the O-linemen become WR’s and RB’s.  The Punter is the QB. That would make it very interesting.  Tom Tupa would be a Pro-Bowl MVP.

4-      Have there be an automatic QB. Like in the backyard, when you were a kid and only one kid could throw the ball well. It could either be the highest rated QB, or Joe Montana.  Or who knows, if you make Brett Favre the automatic QB every year in the Pro-Bowl, maybe he’ll stay retired.

5-      If a team goes down by a ton….like 42-0…..they can use the never-ending TD to try and get back into the game.  They throw a flag at some point during an offensive series, and then they keep the ball until they are stopped.  In other words, you get the ball, and score a TD, then start at the 1, and go the other way until they are stopped by the D.  That stat line could be fun.  “So here’s the drive summary.  They scored 3 TD’s on 42 plays for 175 yards. 50 of which were on the ground.”

NBA – So the NBA All-star extravaganza is in 2 weeks, and this show is just a complete disaster.  With a skills competition that has become just boring, and predictable, and a game that looks like the Knicks are playing the Knicks.  Apparently the all-star teams run the Mike D’Antoni defensive philosophy…..None.  So it would not be a stretch for the East to beat the West 175-170…..in regulation.  So here’s what I have to fix this failed abortion.

1-      Starting with the skills competition.  Why not have a half court trick shot competition.  Since they seem to be all the rage on youtube, have that be an event.

2-      The dunk contest sucks.  How many times do we need to see a f#$king windmill.  And, Nate Robinson won this competition a few years back and he wasn’t even an all-star. WTF?  So I understand the need for the dunk contest, fine.  They should have to do a dunk program.  Like figure skating.  All in a timed format.  You have to hit 5 elements, or you will get docked points.  Either that, or just have the basket move up ever so slightly as he’s jumping to dunk the ball, and see if he can adjust.

3-      The last and most important competition would be the traveling competition.  Whoever can actually complete a lay-up or dunk, without travelling will be the winner. I’m willing to bet  that some of these “pros” will lose in the “walk” competition.  There could be graphics every time one of them “walks.”  I see potential in this idea.

4-      The game itself, well I really don’t see any help for this.  Unless star players not named Kobe or Dwight start playing D, this game will continue to be 175-170 late in the 4^th.  I don’t think it can be helped.

My head hurts. I will tackle the MLB all-star festivities in July sometime.  I can’t possibly tackle that atrocity while I’m stuck right in the middle of this one.